Hello everyone!
I have been married for 7(together for 4 yrs) months and this is the first time I post on the site but have been reading for a while.
Recently a distant relative (I'll call her R) told me she saw my DH at a store with OW, who at first appeared to be DH friend but R saw them acting too friendly so R followed Dh and saw them kissing. R said she doesn't think DH saw her until they were kissing. At that point they stopped kissing and left the store. When R was walking to her car she saw Dh and OW walking in front of her, with DH pushing the cart and holding OW waist by one hand. DH first put the items in his car and then proceded to drive the cart to OW car and that gave R time to go get her car and drive by them,R turned around honked her horn and waved, as to make sure DH knew it was R who saw him.

When R approached me with this news I asked her questions as to what DH was wearing and what DH had in his cart and such. She answered them all correctly. She even gave me a perfect description of what OW looks like that matches that of DH close friend.R has never met or even heard of this woman.

This OW is someone DH dated while we where broken up before getting married. When we got back together I asked DH to stop talking to her. DH talked to OW behind my back and a month into our marriage I confronted him about it because I found dirty text messages they had been sending each other.

He said it was just a game and that it would stop. BUT he didn't want to loose OW as a friend because it was one of the only true friends that he had(this is true).
I said it was ok(yes I know stupid) for him to be friends w/ OW and things were ok for a while( in fact I was very supportive of DH helping her out, with rides and picking her up from hospital, while she underwent terrible surgeries and sickness.)
I did never meet this woman and one time asked him why he had never introduced me to her. He responded by saying that she was very interested in meeting me and that she was also very grateful that I let him be by her side while she was sick.
But he NEVER has brought up the subject of us meeting again.

Back to present I told him about what R had seen and he said it was all a mistake that R saw something that didn't happen. He actually called me after he left the store and said he had ran into a friend from a long time ago and had chatted with her for awhile but he sounded a little nervous but I didn't pay much attention to it until R told me what she had seen. DH said it wasn't his close friend he was with but a friend from tha past like he told me and that nothing happened. BUT the csualties are far to many that I am 100% sure it was her.He is hiding her becuase he doesn't want me to ask him to stop this friendship.

It has been 2 weeks since this happened and I told DH that I would get to the bottom of this and find out what had happened.
I also told him I didn't believe him. He countered by saying that if you don't trust some1 you don't love them, So I said if that theory is true than he does not love me either, becuase he doesn't respect me
I told DH that if he respected me and what R said was false, the texts weren't and I saw those with my own eyes. He said he respected me now, which I said when did you start respecting me.
After all this has happened I don't want to divorce my DH as I know we both Love each other. But I want to change things around and show him that this behavior will no longer be tolerated by me anymore. He has been acting like nothing has happened. He is always very sweet and loving even when we have problmes, which is rare, I am a student a nd he pretty much does everything in the house including taking care of my kids(not biological father) but has raised them since they where 1 and 3 so he is a father to them. So I want to try to solve my marriage.
I am not sure how to do this but this are my steps I want to take so far:
CUT ALL contact with OW
Have ONE Joint bank account(we have separate)
Have ONE Joint e-mail account
Once phone contract ends have one shared account(again separate)
and most iportant got to Marriage Counseling and have him look for one if he wants to keep marriage together.
Dh says he is very afraid I am going to leave him, but somehow I thinl he knows I won't leave him because my reaction to the texts was just forgive and let go.

S25:

Will this work out?

Maybe.

But you need to buy "Surviving an Affair" (SAA) from this website.

Also buy His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN).

Your husband has been involved with an A with this Woman since before you met.

This OW is willing to accept the scraps that your H gives her. Because she knows he married you.

That can make for a very difficult M to save.

Not introducing you?

His only true friend?

Yep. Serious long term A going on there.

You ready to fight?

Do you think your H is strong enough to seperate from this OW and become an honorable person?

If not, then not much fighting is required.

Check his cell phone bills.
Check his email accounts.

You will find out that he is talking to her a whole lot more than he is letting on.

Stay around. There is alot of assistance here, it just doesn't happen all the time in real time. Sometimes it takes a while to get responses.

LG

If your M is going to work, your H needs to cut off ALL contact with OW FOR LIFE. Accept no less. He lost his right to be "friends" with OW the moment he started kissing her. Right now he has a wife and a mistress. It is time that he be forced to pick just one.

Thanks for ansewring it helps a lot.

A couple of others things I wanted to say is that he will not admit to this. He says it is all a misunderstanding on R's part and such. Since I questioned him as to when he had encountered this friend from the past and his answer matched the place R saw them kissing it reasures me that he saw R until that point and this is why he made up the story of finding an ol friend and told me about it without realizing R had seen them before.

If DH is not willing to accept to this will he ever do so?
All he wants to know was if I was going to leave him or not.
I told him no but i said I did want to get to the bottom of this and work on our marriage. As soon as i told him I wouldn't leave he seemed somewhat releaved and doesn't ask questions about it or mentions anything unless I bring it up.
I am going to talk to him today about NC and see how he reacts.

You need to stand up for yourself and be strong. Tell him that there are 5 conditions for you working on the M with him.

1) You know he kissed R. It was not a misunderstanding. You are not stupid. He needs to be completely honest with you, and tell you EVERYTHING that went on between him and R. This was not a one time event. You don't kiss out in public grocery shopping unless you are REALLY comfortable with each other. My guess is that he's been fooling around on you all along. If he wants to continue to deny, you can call up your local private investigator and he can probably find someone that will administer a polygraph.

2) NC w/ R FOR LIFE. He needs to send a NC letter to R and change his phone number.

3) MC for the two of you.

4) STD testing. There is no telling what diseases this skank could have given your H.

5) Accounting for all his time.

If he does not agree to these, you use your best weapon against this affair - EXPOSURE! You tell his family, his friends, and OW's family. This will kill the fantasy of what they have together. I'm sure she doesn't want everyone to think of her as a homewrecker and your H doesn't want everyone to think of him as a cheating dog. This will take all the fun out of the relationship and put pressure on both of them to end the A.

S25:

Your H doesn't want to talk about it?

DUH.

I didn't...

Allowed me to have two women for 4.5 years.

Jim has given you an outline of what you have to do.

If H asks "will you leave me?" The answer is "YES, If you continue to see OW and continue your hurtful behaviors"

Next:

How old are you?
Kids?
Do you work?
How old is WH?

That's to get some background.

LG

I am 25. H is 34
I have 2 kids 6 and 4 from prev relationship.
H raised them since 1 and 3
I work at night, go to school full time in daytime( while he's at work)
He stays w kids at night.
He denies that OW is the friend he dated while we where broken up before marriage.