Here is an update of sorts from me. I also posted this on the In Recovery board P/A thread, but I don't think anybody saw it there.

Never, ever forget that some experts really do consider this behaviour to be an addiction of sorts - the P/A person has got to get their fix from time to time and will do just about anything to get it.

And they WILL sledge-hammer you again and again if that's what it takes, even when you *think* you know what to expect and what to look for. They'll just find a better way to sneak up on you.

Things have been going pretty well at my house lately, so I had relaxed somewhat. But I should have realized that "things going good" with a P/A are absolutely no help at all, because that only means they aren't getting their fix of you being furious, crazy and powerless while they sit back smug and reassured that THEY are in control and you are not.

One thing I've discussed with WH is his habit of sitting in bars with female coworkers while on business trips. This is especially true of his new-found sophisticated look-at-me-I'm-a-big-shot pleasure of sitting in fancy sushi bars drinking sake.

So, after several weeks of things going pretty well, he goes on a business trip to Chicago. On the second night, his cell phone is off until well almost 11:30 p.m. Chicago time. He is not answering the phone in his room. Around 11:30 he rolls in, obviously sloshed (a man who NEVER used to drink at all), to happily let me know he'd been in the fancy hotel's fancy and expensive sushi bar drinking sake all evening long with two attractive female coworkers "conducting a business meeting".

I should have known better. I should have known something was coming. He had not gotten his fix for quite a while and so he scripted the perfect weapon to push my buttons. I had talked to him specifcally about sake bars and so instead of remembering that so he could protect me from it, he used that as a roadmap to hurt me.

And since one hit just isn't enough -

He thought I was going to be out of town from yesterday (Sunday) through Wednesday helping my daughter's family move. But the plans were changed and I ended up staying home. Saturday, after the plans were changed, he breezed in and told me that well over a week ago he'd made plans to go to a friend's house on Sunday afternoon for a graduation party, followed by dinner out with this same (male) friend on Monday night. He said that since I was going to be in town, oh yeah, well, he could check and see if it would be okay if I tagged along.

Again, this was something that I had very specifcally asked him not to do - make plans and decisions without me and socialize without me.

So he went right straight out and did EXACTLY those things.

This time, though, I said nothing. Yesterday afternoon, when he went out to run errands, I packed a suitcase and checked into a motel. After a few hours he called my cell phone mad as h*ll, shouting that oh yes he DID tell me about the party well ahead of time and "YOU ARE FULL OF SH*IT, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU ARE FULL OF SH*T FULL OF SH*T FULL OF - "

I shut off the phone and left it that way all the rest of the night.

This is a sickness. It's a sickness and it's an addiction and unless and until the P/A makes the conscious choice to do something to fix it - to learn to behave in relationships like a grownup instead of with the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old who thinks Mommy is trying to tell him what to do and he is DETERMINED to thwart that - there is NO hope for this.

Calling them on it is the best thing I've seen, as long as you have dead serious consequences to back it up. The worst thing you can possibly do, as I learned before I understood this stuff, is to try to reason with them and explain to them and tell them how it hurts you. You are only giving them a roadmap of how to punish you best so you will lose it and THEY can get their fix of feeling smug, secure and in control.

The only thing I'm going to do now is simply get the h*ll out of his way when he wants to go off and pull this sick stuff, which is exactly what I did yesterday.

He will either go get some serious help for this OR he will simply move on and find another target who will dance the dance with him, since I will not dance any longer.

I told him that in the end, I would have nothing for him but pity. And it's true. You will probably end up the same.
Mulan

P.S. Wednesday morning, as he was getting ready to leave for work, he dropped it on me that he and DS19 had tickets to a pro basketball game that night. I just said, "Okay," got my purse, and left for a while.

These people get sadly, pathetically obvious after a while. It doesn't even make me angry anymore. It's just about the most transparently pathetic thing I think I've ever seen. Instead of suffering panic attacks over what he might do next, I'm just sort of idly curious about it.

Now that I've moved my buttons and he can't affect me anymore - the party, the dinner and the basketball game normally would have sent me right over the edge but this time he got no reponse except to see me leave - I just wonder what sadly obvious effort he will make next. My money is on just ignoring me to death, since that always worked before and he hasn't tried that one in a while.

But it won't work anymore. I am finally at the point where I know that for a fact.

Men, you really don't want your wife to start seeing as a pathetic figure. You really, really don't.
Mulan

Hi Mulan,

{{{{Mulan}}}}

I do know what you are dealing with. I don't think full on active PA understands the concept of love. To be Passive Aggressive in itself requires SUCH an incredibly selfish attitude; you cant 'love' (verb) if your entire focus is on yourself.

My exH could reign it in when I'd reach my limit, but it was not sustainable. Like a dry-drunk, a lapse was surely to come. They can adjust their behaviour, but the attitude remains. I truly believe that without a SERIOUS rock-bottom type awakening, they cant change. They don't want to change. And like everyone else, until they want to change, they will not. My exH found another target before the ink was dry on the D papers. I am very sure that finding someone else was MUCH easier for him than changing his entire method of thinking. Getting out of PA mode would require a global shift in his thinking. Universal! This was a way of life for his entire life.

I think PA's are different than standard WS's, in that the WS-attitude/status is often a temporary thing. I think the PA is ingrained from childhood. You're dealing with decades of 'it's Me vs. Them' bad attitude. They may have been PA so long they don't remember anything else. That's a big nut to crack <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />.

Not meaning to 2x4 you, but you know that if you had packed your bags after Sake Night, you would not have had to take Hit #2 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. That was much more egregious (to me) than planning dinner while you'd be out of town. Bet you wanted to...? Do you know what stopped you? I am proud that you have now reacted. You have deserved better for a long while.

What is your plan, now? I'm not sure what a Plan B letter would look like for this situation, or if it would be effective. What do you think?

Hang in there! I wish you well! - Dru

The Solo Partner


Chapter 1 The Pain of Change
Put pain to constructive use to resolve your relationship problems.
The only person you can directly change is yourself.
By changing yourself, you can indirectly change your partner.
The key to change is maintaining effort.

Chapter 2 Self-Deception: Our Inner Enemy
Accept responsibility.
We deceive ourselves by overlooking, rationalizing, justifying.
False hope is the belief that the cause of and solution to our predicament rests outside us.
We become open to change after a period of hopelessness.
Emotional reactivity is progressive.

Realization is when we begin to focus not on our partners but on ourselves.
Before realization, we have a complacent, unrealistically hopeful attitude.
With realization, we liberate ourselves from self-deception. This involves grieving, and these are the feelings involved:
1) Denial: this can’t really be happening.
2) Anger: hurt; anger directed at partner; why was I so stupid?
3) Despair: unhappiness as we feel the full weight of the loss of our dream; self-doubt, loneliness, and fatigue.
4) Acceptance: stronger sense of personal responsibility; no longer see ourselves as innocent victims.
The last glimmer of false hope has been extinguished.

By seeing through our own self-deceptions and facing any personal shortcomings, we upset the status quo in our relationship.

Chapter 3 Emotional Reactivity: An Endless Cycle in Troubled Marriages
Act: something we do of our own volition
React: behave in opposition to our natural behavior or in response to pressure from someone else

Pattern for emotional reactivity:
1) Emotional triggers can lead to a reaction based solely on immediate emotional impulses and without thought of future consequences.
2) The partner needs to be drawn in; baiting can then occur and the provoker is satisfied by the response.
3) Escalation occurs when each partner focuses on the other. The goal is not to resolve an issue. It is to hurt, defy, spite, attack, defend, patronize, or provoke.
4) Recovery may not happen.

Nonengagement starves emotional reactivity.
High emotional reactivity will shut down communication and low reactivity will open it up.

Stages in the process of change:
1) What needs changing is identified, and an alternative behavior is planned.
2) When the situation comes up, the behavior is the same.
3) The situation is recognized, but the behavior is the same.
4) The situation is recognized, and the alternative behavior is followed.

Keep your plan and goal to yourself.

When your partner starts a reactive exchange, identify the baiting behavior. People usually have only about 6 – 10 baiting behaviors.

Chapter 4 Being Defensive: The Illusion of Self-Protection
Being defensive is one of the ways we cover up certain of our recurrent behaviors rather than trying to change them, and denial is one of our most common mechanisms. Our defensiveness keeps us from seeing ourselves realistically, in spite of he feedback we receive about our need to change. Denial followed by attack moves the focus off ourselves and onto our partners, so that we can see their every shortcoming, and none of our own.

Once we are defensive, we see all information as threatening and attacking. We cannot distinguish between a valid complaint and a hostile retaliation. We do not evaluate the truthfulness of the message but rather dismiss the criticism so that we are protected from immediate emotional discomfort. Interpretations and assumptions are made that support what we want to hear rather than what was actually said. If some information was taken in, it is explained away, simply denied, or the subject is changed. Then we counterattack and escalate.

Your real power for improvement lies in unraveling your own defensive mechanisms. Try to accept that there will be pain when you start coming to terms with the truth of what is being said to you, and remember that you will benefit in the long run. If a criticism was accurate, the fastest way to get over your pain is to start working on changing the criticized behavior. Observe, listen, and reflect, rather than automatically dismissing, blaming, or attacking the messenger.

Chapter 5 Togetherness: Balancing “I” and “We”
The ideal balance is for the partners to develop an ability to act together as well as apart, and to feel part of a “we” without feeling they are giving up their individuality and uniqueness. When agreements are forced, it often means no longer expressing true feelings because doing so would leave the person open to attack or ridicule. This in turn leads to resentment. True “I” statements are made as an action and are open to new information and input from others. Reactive “I” statements are made to defy, hurt, spite, placate, manipulate, or intimidate the other person or to defend oneself.

When people do not respect each other’s opinions, the thing they have the right opinion and try to force that opinion on others. Real communication ends as both attack each other’s opinions and defend their own. The key is to learn to express our opinions while not defending ourselves against attack. By not defending yourself against attack, you alone can create an atmosphere where differences will at least be tolerated and at best will enrich both lives. There is an old saying – “Never answer an angry word with an angry word – it is the second word that makes the quarrel.”

No victory can come from intimidating someone into agreeing with you. No victory comes from keeping silent and giving in to placate your partner. If you lie either to yourself or your partner about who you really are, both you and your relationship will suffer.

The key to success lies in confronting yourself and in not confronting your partner. Long-lasting improvement in any relationship comes more from changing negative behavior than from expressing negative feelings.

You will need to learn how to express you opinion as a subjective view rather than as an absolute truth. When you find yourself under attack, concentrate on not defending your opinion; simply state your view and say nothing more. Do not explain why you feel this way, or answer your partner’s charges, or try to reason with or persuade him. Nothing more needs to be said or done. Your opinion is simply a statement of what you think, feel or believe. Always keep in mind that your goal is to express and respect your mutual differentness. Learn to state your position without being drawn into an argument.

The stages of success are:
1) a mutual cessation of attack or retaliation when differences emerge
2) each of you are more open to the differences between you
3) a mutual respect for your differences will emerge.

Chapter 6 Dealing with “Who is to Blame?”
Blame is most frequently communicated in the form of “you” statements, such as “Why did you” and often implies that the partner had ulterior motives or intentionally did something injurious. Laying blame will always cause a reaction.

Assume that each of us is responsible for our own actions. Trying to force your partner to see his own faults will only worsen the relationship. When we focus on ourselves and work on our own problems, our life with our partner improves. It is counterproductive to vent. Release your feelings on another way. Learn to not react to your partner’s retaliations, no matter how provocative and malicious they seem to be.

Decide ahead of time what point you want to convey. Plan to convey that point in a nonreactive way by making brief “I” statements. Stay away from statements about what your partner is doing to you. Instead, concentrate on what you have allowed to be done to you. Focus on specific behaviors rather than a condemnation of your partner in general. Take responsibility for change where it can have some positive outcome.

Learn to identify the area in which your partner blames you and observe exactly what is said and how it is said. Before you react, try to understand what part is truly your own responsibility. Then try to distinguish between what your partner is blaming you for and what you are responsible for. Never try to convince your partner to accept your view; never ridicule or attack your partner in reaction to a provocation. If your partner reacts, say nothing. Not reacting to blame is what will ultimately reach your partner. It’s OK to say “I don’t want to talk anymore right now. I’m too upset.”

Chapter 7 Using Your Anger Constructively
What to do with anger?
1) Express it, and the result is reactive confrontations or alienation from partner
2) Do not vent it, and you are drained emotionally and physically

What are forms of anger?
1) Shouting or screaming
2) Not saying anything
3) Bodily reactions
4) Delayed behavior
5) Tone of voice

Different stages of anger:
1) Unresolved anger can turn into resentment and then bitterness
2) There is a need for a reactive encounter regardless of future consequences
3) The reactive infection stage
4) Escalation

A common source of anger is our expectations. There are three things you can do:
1) Smolder in your anger
2) Lower your unmet expectations
3) Leave the relationship
If you lower your expectations, you can honestly reevaluate both your relationship and yourself. You need to deal with reality. When you lower your expectations, you also must see your own faults as well and move toward a solution. By focusing on your own shortcomings, you can learn that your partner has a great deal of justification for his complaints. The less we expect of our partners (and the more we expect of ourselves), the more we receive. When an attitude of “expect nothing, get nothing” dominates a relationship, people stop doing something for their partner unless it is angrily demanded.

Nothing constructive comes from out-of-control anger. Start thinking along the lines that your partner may not change. The focus then shifts from your partner to yourself. Then you reach the point of realization where you begin to find solutions to your problems. Your pain is due to the death of your self-deception. Work at getting behind the anger to the hurt, disappointment, and finally the loss you feel. When you accept this loss, you will also eliminate your anger. The bigger the fantasy and the longer it was held, the more time it is likely to take to give it up.

Having accepted that the problem is not going to go away, you must ask yourself what you are going to do about it and whether you are willing to settle for this situation.
It is easier to vent at the partner than to look at your own shortcomings. We may try notdealing with reality, but reality will deal with us.

Chapter 8 Pursuit and Distance Between Partners
The pursuer seeks togetherness at the expense of personal autonomy and individuality. She feels emotionally secure only when her life revolves around others. The distancer feels crowded. She emotionally pursues him by wanting to know what he feels, wanting resolution of their problem, and wanting it at once. Concurrently, he distances himself emotionally from her, seeking space to think about it, hoping the problem will go away by itself or that she will wait until he comes up with a solution in his own time and way. For every step she takes toward him, he moves one away from her.

The pursuer gives up and looks for other ways to fill the emptiness. The distancer’s self-centeredness and isolation lead to boredom and emptiness. He also seeks ways to relieve his discomfort. Pursuit and distancer problems often start when a legal or emotional commitment is made to the marriage. The pursuer needs to acknowledge the gap between her expectations and reality.

Both pursuit and distance are reactive behaviors which become progressively worse over time, unless one partner’s efforts succeed in putting a stop to them. Change will be initiated by the person who is most uncomfortable. He will change only when he fears losing the pursuer. Distancers tend to change in direct proportion to how much their pursuers modify their pursuit.

These are the pursuer’s options:
1) continue the pursuit in the hope of emotionally engaging the partner; this is a fantasy which ultimately leads to frustration, exhaustion, and emotional bankruptcy
2) separate
3) stop pursuing

Pursuers are addicted to togetherness and the need to stay in a relationship – even a bad one. They settle for very little and express their disappointment, frustration, and anger in hostile, critical ways. They become responsible for other people’s problems. This caretaking can become manipulative and controlling, and can backfire because people resist efforts to change them. They find it easy to blame others.

Pursuer can only reach the distancer by distancing herself from him – emotionally and physically. The only way to catch a distancer is to be more distance than he is.




Chapter 9 Stopping Pursuit: Guidance for Pursuers

Never pursue a distancer. Do as little as possible for him and with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. Learn how to fill your life in new ways, seeking other people who will meet your emotional needs. You will be forced to develop some emotional autonomy. Change your expectations and give up the pursuit. Your improvement can occur only after your illusion of finding happiness and completeness through someone else collapses. Pursuers tend to follow, but distancers tend to procrastinate, so it is up to the pursuer to make changes.

THIS IS MY HUSBAND. Mulan I completely understand where you are coming from. And no, unless you firmly stand your ground..which also gets you in trouble..nothing will change.

These people are unbelievable. Living with one can really be like living in he77. They are so selfish and so vile. Even to their own kids!

remind me again

why are you still married?

I don't think you like/love/respect each other anymore ...

As soon as I figure that out, y'all will be the first to know.
Mulan

Pep..

Was that for Mulan or for me? Or for the both of us?

Dear Mulan knew it was meant for her ... not the first time I've asked....

Gotcha...Because I can say after dealing with this the ONLY reason I am thinking about trying with my WH is because the angry outbursts have more or less stopped. He has only had 2 in the last several months. MUCH better than before. The control thing really sucks though.

Mulan has he ever admitted to having an anger issue?