I think the root of all of our arguments with me has been your self doubt and self anger over having stayed with a spouse who has repeatedly betrayed you.
Great. I was going to go back and find the original thread you created for me. I still might because I very clearly stated my POV and you never responded. Go back and read it and save yourself some time.
What I quoted above is the crux of the matter. You say my WW repeatedly betrayed me. I say she betrayed me once but for an extended six month period. She didn't have multiple affairs - she had one affair that she didn't want to stop. But she did stop.
Okay your WW betrayed you. She swore the A was over. You bought it hook, line and sinker just to find her after a car wreck with her OM. Pretty humiliating I know. So did she betray you twice or once? You say in your thread that you had already made up your mind what you would do if lied to again. You had already decided that you could not remain married to your WW in the event of another infraction. Any further indiscretion would be divorce. Your way or the highway. I think many if not most people are like that. I think the smaller percentage even bothers with the M. So you gave her one opportunity. That's more than most give IMO.
Does MB suggest that the BS stay in Plan A only if the WS has firmly established NC and does not break it? Does MB say if WS violates NC then it is an immediate Plan B? How does this relate to the "addiction theory"?
A lot of my residual anger these days actually originates from keylogging. This is why I don't much care for it. I still remember all the things my WW wrote to others. These days she dismisses it saying she made it up to justify the A. They were still very hurtful words. But thanks for deciding for me why I still have anger issues.
I believe FLB caught his WW in a romantic A. I believe she is torn between the A and the M. One option for him would be to kick her out, send her packing to OM, go to Plan B and let the A die. It would devastate the kids.
I appreciate the fact that you are a crusader for all wounded BS's everywhere and want to protect them from harm. Whether you agree with the Harley's or not doesn't matter a rat's eyelash to me. I sometimes wonder if your vehemence is more founded in you justifying your own decision to yourself. Safety in numbers and all. Reinforce your belief that you made the right decision. You see yourself being saved from all the pain and disappointment that your WW surely would have given you if you had not cut her off. It is helpful to project other BS's sitches onto what would have happened to you. But I'm no expert and only your IC knows for sure.
I recall at one time you "banned me" from your poster list because you didn't like my opinions.
Your doormat speech to me almost sent me to Plan B/D. I'm glad another poster pulled me back from that. In short, I'm glad I didn't listen to your advice. That is why I had blocked you - because you were harmful at a time when I was really down. I was really torn when you posted doormat. Then I learned from another poster that you had never saved your M. I preferred to listen to people who have been there - done that. I am rereading the story of Jon, Sue and Greg. Jon was told to remain in Plan A for six months even though everyone knew Sue was still seeing Greg. So how does your invariant "kick em to the curb" advice coincide with SAA and MB exactly? What should Dr. Harley have told Jon to do? How is it you are the Cliff Notes version of MB (more blunt ... less filling but same great flavor)? I mean the poster above DID say you say exactly what MB says but more bluntly. So was Dr. Harley simply wrong in his advice to Jon from your POV?
The other thing that was, to an extent, unfortunate in my case is that my WW's romantic A did not die a natural death. I'm not sure I would have stuck around for that to happen. I'll never know. But I took my WW's A away from her and I believe that it lingered as a result. Unrequieted love and all that.
Am I recovered yet? No. But at least I'm still in the batter's box swinging away - not on the bench.
You gave your WW one chance. She failed. You told her it would be over and you lived up to your word. That was a personal choice and it was your right to do so. But you had already made the decision (in your words) that you could never have a M with your WW if you found she had cheated on you again even before you found out that she had. She didn't cheat on you again. She had never stopped - she just hid it better. Yet you had already made the decision. No fog for you. You're too proud for that. A man of your word. Nobody can fault that because you had every right to cast her off.
No offense boss, but you almost seem like someone who is cycling on and off manic episodes.
Thanks for the constructive analysis but, if I have a problem with my foot, I'll go see a podiatrist.
Since you have no basis of experience to remotely comprehend what it is like to be in this position and work this hard to try to recover a marriage, I'll prefer to get advice from people who actually have. I'm sure you have gained tremendous insight reading others' experiences but there is nothing quite like being there in person. The textbook just doesn't quite capture it.
I also wonder how you resolve the dichotomy of being able to be an expert by reading posts on MB while at the same time condemning phone counseling because a person can't read body language. It appears to be divergent thinking to me.
You have achieved your personal recovery in a different way. Good for you. I believe you are now remarried. Great. I hope your new marriage never ever suffers this tragedy. If that unfortunate event should ever befall you again, you will find no better friend on this board than me. Why? Because nobody deserves that kind of suffering.
