Hi everyone,

I sent off my Plan B letter two days ago via my lawyer. WH is sitting on the fence saying that he wants to come home, but at the same time still living with OW. I generally only have seen him in the past every other weekend and then he's come home crying about everything, but doing nothing to change the situation. A couple of weeks ago, he went so far as to tell his lawyer that he definitely wants to get back together, but he's still with OW.

So, I have gone dark now. Tomorrow he is supposed to pick up the kids and I will not be at home. I have already spoken to the children and they know that I will not see or speak to their father right now. They don't know why, but they respect my decision. I did have to contact my lawyer today to have him inform WH's lawyer that he will not be getting the garage remote tomorrow. He was under the misconception that he would be able to come and go throughout his time here. NOPE. Not going to happen. Sadly, he doesn't know it, but my lawyer has talked to his lawyer and even his lawyer is routing for us to get back together. His lawyer was pleased to finally see the Plan B letter.

I guess I am just wondering from all those Killer B's, what is/was the hardest part of Plan B for you.

I like to know of those things that might be out there for me to avoid.

Thanks!

Seperation anxiety, a strong feeling of attachment, and wondering if you did the right thing.

It lasts about two weeks (it did for me, anyway) and then after that it slowly gets better to the point where you realize that you will be ok whether he comes back or not.

I find a lot of people on here are real scared of dealing with the pain and the hurt and the sadness.
I was the opposite. I sought out triggers. I felt extreme pain, but it is key to recover in a timely fashion.
If you hold the pain inside, or try to avoid it, you will extend your healing process.

I have gone through so much pain already, it's crazy. Because of him picking up the kids and dropping them off, I have seen him plenty and he's been coming back just sobbing, but then he goes back to her. It's so hard to deal with. It messed with my mind every time. I am sure that Plan B will be better for me and will keep me on a more even keel. I am a bit nervous this being the first weekend though. Last time he had the kids, he came and sought me out when I took myself fishing. Later on that same day, he invited me to join him and the kids fishing and invited me to go shopping with them. Those were all very new things he had tried to get me to do with him. Of course, I turned him down flat. Told him that as long as there was OW in the picture, there could be nothing between us.

As far as the separation anxiety, it doesn't seem to be a factor right now.

Be prepared for it. I felt a huge sense of loss around day 4. I felt great just prior to that.

Thanks for the heads up.

And when it hits, you will want to pick up that phone, or email or TM or whatever.
Resist. Have a support network of people available to you who understand what you are doing. It REALLY helps.

I hope our friend Jim has some minutes left...lol.

I caved on day 7. His dad had complications from by-pass surgery so I felt it was the right thing to do. I also gave him money in my moment of weakness, that was the wrong thing to do. Anyway, I am back in the dark and hoping I didn't screw things up too much.

I have felt pretty good through this, but only because I haven't seen much of WH in two months. When he left that day, he began avoiding me as much as he could.

The first few weeks, he answered my phone calls, and was really great. But, he started to get pissy when I found out. Then, he tried to immediately butter me up, then just took everything out on me.

I went dark because he told me not to contact him anymore, and I know my H and he means the opposite. He threatened me with another letter from his lawyer (like that would have done anything) but still has not followed through.

I figure, what better way for him to get that he needs me, by me not being there to tell him I love him, miss him, etc.

He asked for freedom, he got it. He has only himself to blame this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And, I feel good about it. Because I know it is doing it's job. I am happy. Lonely, but happy. Because I know, deep down, it is bugging him that I haven't called. That I have vanished.

The feeling of loss goes away. The sadness too. I have not shed a tear over him in a week. I don't know what to expect in the next little while, but, I am well, so thatis all that matters to me.

Pretty sure they are not all used up!!

Not DOING things to fix the relationship, especially in the face of triggers. It sounds easy, but it is hard for me.

Do you know what triggers are? And how to respond to them?

sdguy...and Xetta...and Dog...and TWBD...and MMH...

Here's an even BETTER question. Do you know what YOUR triggers are? See, not all triggers are alike. For me, music is a big part of my life, so the song, "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Bros. just TORE ME APART. I mean TORE ME APART. At first, I avoided the song because I just wasn't strong enough to take it or face it. Then one night, I was alone (the kids were staying overnight with friends) and I went for it. I listened to that song 100 times at least and just CRIED from the depths of my soul...until I could listen to it.

Sooooo...what are YOUR triggers? My triggers were dates, her haircut (short, black pixie--silly I know) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> and music/songs. What are yours? My buttons were [Being Ignored] and [Being Falsely Accused] and [Threatening the Kids]. Push those buttons and I go BALLISTIC...so I knew that HE knew that and I had to figure out a way to respond to those buttons.

Get it??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Mama Bee CJ

Yes, I knew what my triggers were. Music was a HUGE part of that, as well as movies, locations, and even television shows.

Music played a large role because we both shared a love of it. Both of our taste varied from one extreme to the next. And road trips were quite enjoyable because of the diversity.

What I did during my first two weeks was sought out these triggers and just let the pain flow thru me. I grieved my loss as if it were a death, as opposed to a seperation.

I wouldn't say that I am completely thru the healing process, but I have accepted my fate and the decision I have made.

Life is fantastic and I have never felt better.

Xetta, be prepared for this first two weeks to feel like an offshoot of the rollercoaster you have already been on. Withdrawal, YOUR withdrawal, will take you by surprise. You will get a sense of desperation, of needing to control things. Just let it pass, call someone else, do some task around the house, start changing the home to your liking.

I caved a number of times in Plan B, and it only lengthened the timeline for me to heal. I'm not sure if it lengthened the timeline before WH came home, but I've heard that meeting some need of the Waywards can elongate the process. Detaching and letting go of the notion of control was a big part of Plan B for me.

I felt lonely, but I came here to fill spaces in time. I started to joke and vent and cry here. It really is a great place for the conversation need during Plan B.

Oh, triggers will abound, and you will, soon enough, see what yours are. I love music, and movies, and had a lot of shared interest there with my husband, so just about every movie or song touched me or triggered me in some way. After some time, though, I began to feel better and wasn't triggered so often, or wasn't so severely triggered that I cried or broke down.

Xetta, you sound pretty good. If you can avoid even SEEING your WH, do it, even if that means no eye contact, or not even looking in his direction when kids are dropped off. Close curtains and be somewhere else (as long as the kids are old enough to enter without assistance).

Ill be on stand-by and I have much experance with 2x4 from dog using them on me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Next couple 3 weeks will be tough but you will Make it I promase!

Jim

Thanks everyone...

Yesterday was hard. I will grant you that because I knew he was in the area and was going to be picking up the kids. I left the house as planned. I came home after about a half hour after he was supposed to pick up the kids and he was leaving. I kept driving and never looked in his direction. Kept my eyes on the road. He called me a few minutes later on my cell phone and I didn't answer it. Just kept driving.

Today I will keep myself busy with a seminar for divorcing parents. I need to plan someplace to be when he picks up the kids tomorrow. I will find something to keep myself busy tonight.

Thanks for all of the warnings. No, I haven't identified all of my triggers yet, but the one that I do know of happens to be a southern accent. She answered his cell phone one evening and it tore me up. Other than that, I have never seen her or spoken with her.

I will start keeping a list of triggers and begin to tackle them one at a time.

Thanks again.

Today the kids called. I wasn't here, but saw D14's cell number on caller ID. I called her and she called back. I was worried and the kids called just to say "Hi". They have never called me when they are with their father, so I am not sure what is up with that. Not sure if he is asking or encouraging them to call. I listened to each of the kids and told them I loved them and to have a nice time with their Dad. That's about it.

Tomorrow he's bringing the kids home and I will make sure that I am not here when he drops them off. I will try and make sure I leave the house plenty early just in case he tries to show up early.

Your doing a good job..hang in there.

LM

Thanks Lemon. I needed that. Today I had the state mandated divorcing with children class to attend. A lot of the push in the class has been on co-parenting and it is extremely hard to do with a spouse who is out of state and has minimal contact with his kids. I have always encouraged the kids to pick up the phone and call their dad, but generally, it's out of sight, out of mind. I end up dealing with all of their problems. Fortunately, they do respect that I am there for them. My daughter wrote a paper for school recently and she named me as her hero. Dang, I cried so much when I read it and she definitely got a huge hug and a thank you.

So anyways, I am down right now, but I know that this is the best thing for me. Just trying to distract myself with things to do and pamper myself on my weekend off from being mommy.

Xetta,

Now that's quite a compliment! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.