ZP called today and asked about moving back to our trailer. She wants to set up some rules (boundaries in my thinking) to living together. I also want to to come up with consequences if a boundary is broken.

I am still unsure if I am ready to live with her yet. Depending on the boundaries we agree to will help me decide. One thing that did upset me was she told the kids that they may be moving back home before I agreed to the arrangment.

If she reads this before tommorow this will be the first time she sees this list:
Church attendance
Joint counseling as well as continued IC
limited internet time for both of us
shared housekeeping and cooking
shared finnacial responsibility
No LB's by either

I have no idea on consequences.

All talk, no action?

When is she going to give proof?

R u going to take her back w/o proof?

Why the change?

Make sure you are NOT a number.

L.

Why the sudden change of direction? ZP is going to get whiplash doing 180's like that.

I would be chompin' at the bit for a chance to get my kids back but, that's just me. You almost seem inconvenienced at the idea.

If you are truly an abuser, I can not imagine why ZP would come back and place herself and the children in that environment once again. Based on what she's posted to date, something doesn't smell right. Maybe running off was just an attention grabber. She does seem to have your attention.

The move is her idea. She has not been able to find a job or an apartment on her own. My sister's family is getting to stressed with her and the kids living there. My sis only agreed to a week when ZP first left. It has been a month since she left.

The plan ZP told me was that we would live like roommates. With no work on our marriage. She feels she needs to continue school. Which I am in favor of. I want her to get her degree.

There is still the fact that we were investigated by DCF (child protective services). I don't know if they are willing to let the kids live in our trailer yet. I am going to try and have them inspect the trailer on Monday

One other boundary is I would like her to work at least part time.

I am thrilled with the idea of living with the kids. I am just on sure of why the change from her.

Ba109.

Leaving was out of necessity, as my father threatened to take the kids.

The agreement was that I would be back. Then, his sister mentioned I could stay up here, find work and have support.

Well, the job market is rather poor here. I don't have much choice.

Before I left, we both agreed that my getting my degree would benefit all of us, especially the kids, because they wouldn't have to rely on my low income as a non-degreed person.

Can you keep each other safe? Is there enough room in the house for the both of you to have separate spaces? If not, ZP are you prepared to sleep in the same bed, next to him?

What other options do you have?

Mys

I guess I'm just as confused...as everything that has been posted thus far has said your husband was the threat and that is WHY you left, nothing was said of your father taking your children being the threat that caused you to leave.

those are two completely different things..

But even with that, what has changed to make you feel
there is no longer a threat of your children being taken away?

I'm curious why you would consider moving back in, given the severity of abuse that you've noted, ZP.

If the abuse is as severe as you claim, then I'd suggest you seek out a women's shelter, or some other means rather than returning to that environment.

I agree with Myschae...I hope that you both are coming up with appropriate measures to safegaurd yourselves from the other.

I also would caution BH against taking you back 'as a roomate'. In my opinion, the 'safest' thing to do for everyone here would be for you to work out another living solution while the two of you work out steps to repair yourselves, your family, and your marriage. Moving back together BEFORE considering any kind of true reconciliation sets the stage for a lot of anger and resentment...which sets the stage for further violence.

ZP, have you considered other options of any kind?

Just curious.



Frankly, I am so confused by both your threads that I cannot offer effective advice for either of you. Details are sparse and what is said by both sides is clearly self serving as near as I can tell.

This is normal in that everyone sees things from their side, yet there is normally enough information to the end that someone can get a fingernail under something and offer help. Wish I could help.

Larry

Hey everyone,

Please leave this alone. A message board full of random internet surfers cannot possibly help a woman and her children in very real physical danger, but it can take the partial truths and outright lies posted by her abuser and use them to give him support and justification for his coercion, threats, and other abuse.

Rest assured that what you see here is about 1% of the story, if that much, including what ZP's "returning" may or may not entail.

Okay I have an idea, Why don't BH and ZP hire Mineownself to counsel them. She seems to be the only one in the know.

If these people don't want help on this board they should stop posting, ZP, BH included and then you will not have to tell everyone to butt out since they don't have all of the information needed to help.

Just a thought!

Works for me!

The latter part, not the first part, that is. I'm not sure anyone could pay me enough to counsel this mess, even supposing I were qualified.

MOS-

If they post here, why on Earth would we NOT respond? Sheesh...get real already.

If you want to be the only person that's 'allowed' to give them advice, maybe you should go get their internet connections cancelled? Lock them both up in a room so that they can only hear YOUR advice???

Heck...I don't agree with a lot of poster's advice here sometimes...but it still makes sense for people coming here to get advice from the variety of people that post here.

What makes you the only person capable of giving them advice?

BH - I would personally be quite hesitant to let ZP come back home at the point. ZP is getting unqualified advice from her friend MOS that you are a batterer/rapist, and seemed/seems? to believe that herself. I'd be worried what accusations or threats will come next.

She wants to continue school; that's great. How will she be financing that endeavor?

If you do allow her to move back in, I hope marriage counseling is the first order of business.

With all due respect, IF she is in as much physical danger as you seem to pro-claim...WHY in the world would she even consider going back now that she is OUT?

If you have that much fear of physical danger you SHOULD go to an abuse shelter for help, not go back to the person your afraid will hurt you and your children.

Have you checked into low income apartments or low income housing? At least as an option?

Have you checked into the various services the state offers for low income families?

So please don't say you don't have any other choices, because there really ARE other choices...if you have as much fear (as MOS says) of going back.

What have you done to try and figure out what your real choices are, because you really do have them.

I would tend to agree with this...

I think I would need some assurances that counseling continues for both parties before this should be considered an option, especially given she has no desire to work on the actual marriage itself.

And if I lived in that much fear for my life, finishing college would be the last thing on my mind...I'd want to ensure my safety and the safety of my kids first and foremost..

More of the same, I see, which isn't surprising.

From where I'm sitting, it's pointless to try to give an accurate picture on this board of what's happening, because there is too much information to get it all out. Instead what happens is randomized stuff like this thread, where everyone's busy posting about something that isn't even happening.

It does work beautifully for someone who wants to tell half-truths and get support for a situation that does not really exist, as BH apparently does.

So I'm curious, everybody who wants to keep meddling in this one, what is it that you want? You know you're only going to get about 1% of the situation, if that, and misinformation mixed in with it. What's the point of hashing all that over here when this is plainly a case for professionals, and according to the MB materials, seperation for some time while working with the professionals? What's to be gained by pawing it over here except feeding some sort of gossip hunger?

I am utterly bewildered by this question.

Why would you not respond? For the same reason any ethical person recuses themself from a situation with which they are not qualified to deal. It happens all the time, and has happened time and again on this board in abuse cases. Why would anyone *not* insist this is one for the professionals only?

I am sorry, but the only real impression that I am getting now is that you somehow feel that you are the only one in a position to comment. I feel that this is typical "appeal to authority" forum tactics that I have seen in just about every type of discussion board out there - from cars to politics. "You guys don't have the information that I have, so you have no basis for a legitimate opinion."

How about we all just let BH and ZP decide that for themselves. If they want to solicite ideas and thoughts from others, then they have that right. If BH wants to solicite opinions on his own, then he can choose to do so. I don't see the value of your continued attempts to intercept his threads and to discount his efforts. At least, that's what it seems to me what you are doing.


Your cynacism is noted. I believe that you have been very clear that BH is not to be trusted to tell the truth in any objective way in this matter.

I am curious as to what you hope to gain when you post in his threads. Do you want to discount his efforts? Do you want to shame him away from here? Are you simply trying to publicly punish him? I'm not saying that's what you are doing - I am asking. If it's something else, please say so.


What's to be gained from ANYONE posting here? From my brief time on this site, I have read literally dozens of stories involving trauma, abuse, neglect, infidelity, and just plain lack of fulfillment. All scenarios are complex and I doubt any of us have the full story on any of them - even for those people who have been here for years.

That said, there can be some value to getting opinions from objective third parties who have BTDT. I know that talking with people here who are strangers has helped me immensly. It is rare that the thoughts and ideas discussed here contradict the counsel I am getting from my IC and my A. So far, all of the advice given in THIS particular thread has been cautious, or at least simple requests for additional information in order to give better advice later.

Please bare in mind that I am in NO way trying to defend BH. I certainly wouldn't want to see any person reengage in an abusive R without specific safety controls in place. Frankly, I have NO idea whether or not these two people should be under the same roof right now. Not with the information given so far. If anything, I would counsel against it because of the seeming lack of controls and information.

Actually, I guess THAT is counsel in and of itself.