I've been reading his site on and off since my husband told me a few months ago that he thought our marriage was over and he wasn't in love with me any more.

I know that most of the issues that we have together are my fault because I didn’t' care about the marriage for so long but I am wondering if there is a chance that I can bring him back in.

I met my husband in college about 12 years ago and we have been together since pretty much the day we met. We will be married for 5 years in June.

The trouble really started 3 years ago. Both of us got heavily involved in playing the online game Everquest2. We would play together for countless hours at a time ignoring each other, the dogs (we have 2) and our real lives.

After about a year and a half my husband tried to back away from the game and tried to work on our marriage. Our main problem was sex. I just didn’t have the appetite for it and he wanted it all the time. I’m still not totally sure what my issues are with sex, but it’s not because my husband is unattractive, but more because I have never felt confident about myself and my body.

He tried everything to get me interested in sex. He read all kinds of books, stuff on the internet and so on and so on. I was just never interested. The focus of all my energy was in that damned game.

He also tried us to get to do things together like biking and kayaking and all these outdoor activates that used to love so much before I started playing that stupid game. Again, I was never interested.

My denials for sex left my husband feeling inadequate as a man. I also in the past told him to lose some weight (because he was overweight) and maybe it would interest me in sex more. But hat just wasn’t the case. All of this again made him feel terrible about himself. And for a time I think he went through a depression.

In addition, I now admit to myself that somewhere in the middle of my gaming that I did have an emotional affair with another online gamer for a short period, maybe a few months. There were no phone calls or anything, mostly flirting in the chat channels. But I must admit I did like the attention. My husband knew it was going on at the time and he did confront me about it. But our gaming patterns changed so the online affair stopped eventually.

Here we are in February of 2007 and I am realizing now that my marriage is falling apart. My husband started to spend countless hours away from home, avoiding me. Spending a lot of times skiing again staying away from me.

At this point I realized something was wrong and I started playing that stupid video game less and less. Then I realized the I was in some sort of depression myself. I didn’t like to go out and do the things I normally would do. I don’t call my friends or my family. I had totally withdrawn from society.

Also in the timeframe, my husband broke his hand. I was so depressed with my job, my body and my relationship with my mother, that I didn’t help him to try and get through his recovery. I didn’t do any extra work around the house and I didn’t even take him the toe emergency room when he got home with his broken hand.

I was so angry with him because he was spending so much time away from home that I didn’t care that he broke his hand skiing. One of the things that I didn’t mention before was that he spends more time with his ski partner (a woman he works with) than anyone. And I was jealous of the time they were spending together. He tried to get me to be friends her but I had withdrawn from society and just couldn’t.

Then in March 2007 I went through a period in my work life that was very very stressful, so I had no time to spend with my husband to try and improve the situation. I was working all day at working and then coming home spending countless hours working at night.

At one point I asked my husband if he would consider marriage counseling and he did agree to it. So I set out to find a marriage counselor, all the while I had been coming to this site on and off to try to seek advice. Well we didn’t have the chance to get the ball rolling before the next set of events occurred.

All this time I was still very angry and depressed that my husband was spending so much time out of the house. He changed his diet, started excercising more. Starting reading books by authors I would never even think of him reading. He used to cook a lot and was not cooking anymore. He just changed completely. I had it in my head that he was having some sort of affair maybe with his ski partner.

At this point he was also sleeping on the couch so he could keep is broken hand more easily elevated.

So several weeks into March 2007 I was really low and down in the dumps. I was spending a lot of time at home by myself. I wasn’t playing everquest really anymore so I really had an empty whole in my life. So I started hitting the bottle. I was never ever a drinker. Only socially and very rarely. There was a periods of 2-3 weeks that I would get drunk every night and my husband would have no clue.

Then one night he went out again and I was so depressed about it. So again I drank. I drank so much that I passed out. I woke when he got home. That night I heard that he was texting on his cell phone with his ski partner. I got very angry and violent.

I don’t remember a whole lot, but I guess I attacked him and scratched the crap out of him on his back and his arms and face. I also threw things and said things that were awful. So he tried to pack up and leave. Needless to say I am told I called 911. That night I was taken to the ER where I was given a psych exam.

I had had thoughts of suicide that day and 2 days prior. So the staff at the ER decided it would be best if I go into a mental health clinic for a time and I did. There I was diagnosed as being depressed. They put me on anti-depressants and also on some de-tox medication.

I was hospitalized for 6 days. The most peaceful 6 days of the last 4 months. My husband came to visit me everyday to bring me whatever I needed.

Once I was released I started seeing a counselor for my own therapy and we also started with a marriage counselor separately. He said that my hospitalization has perhaps given us a second chance.

Since I was released I have tried to be a wife. I have tried to cook and clean and do all the little things I never did before. Complements and being thoughtful and initiating sex. But I was getting no response or feedback from my husband. I felt like I was really putting myself out there and felt like crap that he didn’t respond back. He has been cold to me for some time now. It was not easy doing all of this because I am so depressed.

I am still paranoid that he is having an affair, so I followed him and his ski partner to lunch one day to see how they interact with each other. Well, he saw me and got really upset saying that I didn’t have a reason to not trust him because he is the one that always tells the truth.

Now I need to back up a little bit here and tell you what this means. I have lied to my husband about things before that he found out later were fabrications. Not about cheating or anything but about really stupid things. And he just doesn’t trust me anymore.

I have always had a problem with telling the truth. Always, lies flow out of my mouth as easily as butter on a hot stove. My parents were very overprotective when I was a child and it was always easier to tell them a little white lie so I could do what I wanted instead of telling them the truth and I still do that to this day. It’s something I know I need to change.

I didn’t think this could get worse until I got my parents involved. I showed crying on my mothers’ doorstep the day I followed my husband and his ski partner. So that weekend my parents actually confronted my husband about our situation. Just so you know, my parents have always loved my husband and treated him like a son. But they didn’t like they way I was being treated with the condition that I was in. They were not so nice to him. Especially my mom. And my husband was very hurt and he will not speak to them now.

I have had a couple of more episodes with alcohol since my hospitalization. One 2 occasions my alcohol use has actually kept me away from work. I was asked to take medical leave my work performance has been so bad.

As if everything weren’t bad enough at this point, the day before yesterday I had one more episode with alcohol. On that night my husband had an appointment with our marriage counselor. Needless to say he went to a going away party for someone he works with and skipped the appointment. He did try and call to reschedule before hand but had nothing available for this week. He then did call me and tell me that he did not go and tried to reschedule.

Well I was very angry. One thing that I have always felt about my husband is that he always puts his friends first. Always. If he had plans with me he would try and change the, if something came up to go out with his friends. It has always been like this since the beginning of our relationship and I always resented him for it. Missing this appointment was just another example of that to me and it sent a clear message in a way.

So that night he left work at 5pm to go to this party. He called me a 7 saying he missed the appointment. I was angry but I tried to deal. Then at about 9 pm I was done waiting for him to come home. I called his cell phone which he didn’t pick up so I decided to go and drive by where the party was to see if he was there. Well he was not.

Then I drove by his ski partners’ apartment to see if he was there. He was not. At this point he called me to ask me where I was because he just had gotten home, so I told him. Of course he was angry.

So what did I do, in my rationale state of mind, I stopped by the liquor store and bought a bottle of rum and started drinking it in the car. When I got home we started arguing and I kept drinking.

I some point in the evening I spoke to my parents on the phone and got them really worried about me.

By the time the night was over I had consumed 1 liter of rum. Again, I don’t remember much of what happened, but I got violent again and said man many hurtful things that my husband said he could never forgive, though I do not know what they are because he has not told me.

He left yesterday, woke me up to make sure I was ok and told me to go to work. E said he could never forgive me for the things that I said. He also looked me straight in the eye and with greatest sincerity told me to take care of myself.

Also yesterday, my mom kept trying to call me because she was worried. I didn’t answer the phone cause I was still passed out drunk. She was so worried she called my husband but of course he didn’t pick up. So then she called my husbands and left a really nasty message on their answering machine about how he hangs out with the wrong people and abandoned me. His parents played it for him.

After that he showed his parents the pictures of what I had done to him with the scratches. They now hat me I suppose.

He didn’t come home last night. I’m not sure where he stayed nor am I sure I want to know. I have barely spoken to him except for a few e-mails and text messages and the chat we had on the phone about him not coming home.

I am not sure if he ‘left’ me last night or what.

I spoke to our marriage counselor last night after all of this and she said that I should try and make a last ditch effort and apologize. I don’t have the guts to do it right now. I am very unstable.

Through our time in marriage counseling my husband was sending very mixed signals saying that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in the marriage and whatnot. But the counselor told me that he confirmed that he wanted to work things out in their meetings together.

I have always loved my husband very very much and would like to stay with him. He means the world to me. At this point I have no idea what to do. I am in such a bad place mentally that I don’t feel like I can do anything. I know there are a lot of things that I need to work on myself.

Could someone please offer me any advice? Is there a chance for us?

I am so lost. What is the first move I should make?

Everything seems to be spiraling out of control at this point.

Wow, that's tough. It's good that you're taking responsibility for your part. I think that you need to get yourself straightened out completely before you can even think about working on your marriage. Get to an AA meeting ASAP! Do you go to church? Call your pastor and ask for help. If you don't go, maybe you should consider it.

STOP DRINKING...PERIOD!

That is the first move you should make. Concentrate on this move and only this one move.

When you are blotto you are violent.

When you are hung over ""I am in such a bad place mentally that I don’t feel like I can do anything.""

Going into a rehab facility will show your H that you realize you have a problem and are serious about fixing it.

YOU DO REALIZE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, CORRECT?

You will not be able to do any of the other steps until you take this first step and get SOBER!

IMHO

I know I have a problem with alcohol at this point in time even though I never did before. I am trying to find an AA meeting to attend today if not tomorrow.

I am wondering however if I should do something similar with my gaming addiciton, because this is not the first time I have been addicted to a video game and it ruined my life. Could I do this through AA?

You can use AA principles with your video game addiction.

I agree with the others that the first thing that needs to be addressed is your drinking. Your H is right not to consider coming back until you do something about your drinking.

I would find some good AA meetings and find a good sponsor. Look for a female who has some years under her belt who has worked the program successfully. [stick with the "winners"] Don't choose the NICEST one, but the one who will tell you what you NEED to hear, rather than what you WANT to hear. You will get better, faster with that type.

I have begun going to church. I have never been a very spiritual person but I think I need all the help I can get.

you said:

"I am very unstable"

you may need medical help with alcohol withdrawl

do you misuse prescription drugs too?

Exactly... it's a vicious cycle (one feeds the other) that will keep on until you're completly spinning out of control and you've lost EVERYTHING.

Church in and of itself won't necessarily help. Get on your knees right now and honestly ask God to help you. He will if you will.

(((Zora)))

Your words at this point are meaningless to H. SHOW him that you're serious about getting help. Just do it.

In the meantime, we're here for you when you're ready.

I have abused over the counter sleeping pills to some extent but that's it. My problem is definitley alcohol.

Here's an additional bit of information today. I did talk to my husband on the phone after I posted this. I apologized profusly and didn't know what else to say. I asked him if he was coming home and he said 'I doubt it'. He said the things that I said when I was wasted hurt more than any physical scars that I may have given him. He said he could never forgive me.

In addition here are some e-mails we exchanged throughout the day. It all started when he sent me a link to the job site below. And then I called and left a message for him to send my sympathy to his family because his aunt died.

I guess my big question is, he is showimg me he still cares and is worried. Right?

Now I guess I need to take action for myself.


From: HIM
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 12:05 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:


And you don’t need AA, in my opinion. You need to learn how to be happy and how to cope with problems in a non alcoholic non violent way. That’s what I learned after years of being mostly unhappy and drinking when I got sad. I learned how to have fun again, how to be happy, and how I care about myself even when you don’t. If you want to hit something, try hitting the punching bag instead of someone else.



For example, I was shaking I was so pissed off after I listened to your mothers message to my parents. So I had a drink with Mark who calmed me down, and then I went and ran hills for 90 min just like I planned to before the other night. It’s on my training schedule I made for myself, so I did it. I will race and do well this summer, and nothing you say or do will stop that. Cause its I want and it’s good for me. The one thing you have is rowing and your coffee with Ruth and you are not even doing that. You are putting yourself into this hole deeper and deeper. You need to do positive things like rowing. It helps you in so many ways that ever quest, drinking, or sitting home never will.



I will call you at work when I get on the road to CT if you want.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 12:01 PM
To: HIM
Subject: RE:



I'm not doing well at all. I think I need to go to AA for real.



How are you? Have the wounds healed?




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From: HIM
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 11:57 AM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

OH, I though you meant they were staying at a hotel.



Ok. How are you.




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From: ME
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 11:52 AM
To: HIM
Subject: RE:



they went to do a few errands, and my dad had to go to FR to collect money from some lady...




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From: HIM
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 11:45 AM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

Why are they not staying in the house?




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From: ME
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 11:38 AM
To: HIM
Subject: RE:



They are not back home. They are still in NA but not in the house.




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From: HIM
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 11:34 AM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

Thank you for message. I will send your condolences.

Where are your parents? Are they back home or here in NA?




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From: ME
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 10:54 AM
To: HIM
Subject: RE:



thanks




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From: HIM
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 10:42 AM
To: ME
Subject:

http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/art...nking-budgeting

OK I found an AA meeting I can go to tonight. I am heading out to my SECOND ever AA meeting as I write this. Am I scared.

And that's exactly what AA will help you do.

Good for you on finding a meeting. Listen to what's said and don't be afraid to speak up. Ask for help. Do what Melody suggested about finding a sponsor.

Don't be scared. You will get a lot out of a 12 Step Program. I did one twice, and still practice it to this day, and have made amazing changes. It will give you some hope for a wonderful life.

your underlying problem is likely to be anxiety related

most people who abuse "downer" pills are self-medicating anxiety

think it over

there are ways to treat anxiety

Well I went to my second ever AA meeting last night. I could not bring myself to speak about situation yet. I am going to try and do 5 meetings in 5 days and am in the process of looking for a sponsor.

As far as the downers go, I think you may be right about the anxiety. I have had a lot of anxiety in the last few months with my husband not being at home much. But my use of downers has stopped for about a month.

Today I sit here with a hole in my stomach. I am so so sad. I never tought that this would happen to me.

Tomorrow my husband has a bike race to support ALS. I don't know whether I should go or not to support him. I'm not sure if he wants me there or what kind of reaction there would be if he saw me.

I was so blind for so long and I think I realized finally too late how much I love him and want him in my life. All the things I am doing now are just pushing him farther and farther away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

treat your anxiety (for the moment) with AA meetings/readings (buy the BIG book at a meeting)

exercise

go for walks
do jumping jacks

add in some laughter (watch silly movies)

and
journal
journal
journal

keep a journal of your thoughts/fears/insights

you WILL see progress in yourself in very short order

I promise

Well my H just called me. We asked how each other was and so on. I aksed him if he found a place to live and he said no. I asked him we needed to talk to see what we were going to do about stuff. He asked me if I wanted to have dinner today to talk. I said yes.

I need advice on what to say to him. I don't know what to say. I know I need to make changes in myself. I know he hates me right now but I want another chance because I think we can make it.

Anyone have any advice?

I would go to dinner, but I wouldn't try to discuss things just now. You have a lot of problems that you need to work on as an individual. Whether you are with your husband or not, you must take care of them.

I suggest you go to IC.

Also I think your husband will need to unload the ski partner. Sounds like she is meeting some of his needs, and that is never good for a marriage.

I hope you will continue the AA meetings. That will really help.

I am already going to IC. I was doing well for a couple of weeks until the other night when my H missed his MC meeting.

I am planning on continuing the AA meetings because above all else, its better than being at home alone like I am now. And that's when all of the drinking takes place.

I am wondering how I should tell him to ger rid of the ski partner. I have asked him to stop spending so much time with her to no avail. When they are in a group it does not bother me, but the amount of time they spend alone does. I honestly don't think there is anything going on with them....yet. But their relationship makes me nervous.

Try to do two things tonight at dinner.

First, apologize.

Then, LISTEN to him.

Because at this point, you need to hear what he has to say. And I'm sure he needs to say some things to you that will be hard for him to say, and hard for you to hear. But for tonight, listening and trying not to overreact, to just listen to his heart, will probably be the best thing you can do - for the both of you.

SB