So we had our date...and I listened and the outcome was a seperation. My H is very angry at me for neglecting him for so long and very angry at my mother. He is wondering how we can ever go back to the way it used to be. He just doesn't feel the same right now.

I am very very sad right now but I think it's the best thing for both of us. All that ever happens when my H comes home right now is that I get angry or sad or crazy and it's not good for either of us.

We are going to set a day a week to get together to talk and have dinner or lunch. But he just wants me to get better. He also said he still cares and this isn't easy for him either.

My heart is in my stomach. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I thought that was what would happen. You need to work on your issues. Next you can work on the relationship. And your issues may have started because of your relationship with your husband. But it is still up to you to change. Only then can you get to the bottom of this.

One thing I am wondering is whether or not I should still keep going to the MC even though my H won't be going for the time being. I will be doing both IC and MC. Is this a good idea?

My H is considering seeing his own IC for the time being as well.

If it were me, I would concentrate on the IC. The MC won't be too much help until you have a grip on this. But please don't give up. You need to keep reading and posting here.

Z

thinking of you ....

praying for you ....

stay strong and stay straight.

I think you need to focus on yourself the most right now, you can't save your marriage if you don't save yourself first.

First you need to make sure you are doing this for you.

Second, you need to make sure you are doing this for you again.

You can ask him that you would like to attend the bike race, if he says no, you simply respond I understand and good luck.

This is a long long long road for both you and your marriage.

Thanks gang. I really appreciate the messages of good will and support. I'm trying to take it one day at a time at this point. Off to more AA meetings for me today. With all these meetings I'm not sure I'll have too much time to be sad. :P

I am feeling to horrible inside right now. My H told me he was staying at his ski partners apartment. He said she was staying with her parents for the time being until he found an apartment for the summer. I don't know what to think.

My H abandoned me at the worst point in my life when I needed him most. I feel like I'm being played a fool. I know that I've made many mistakes but so has he. I didn't even get a phone call today from him and I thought we seperated amicably.

Z

how is your anxiety?

Anxiety... lets see. I feel like my blood is boiling through my veins. I actually wake up this way in the middle of the night.

I have an appointment with my IC tomorrow. I took anti-anxiety meds when I was in the looney bin and didn't like the way they made me feel. But I will talk to him about it.

Against all odds I woke up at 5 AM today to go out and row, a sport I love. This is something I should have done when the ice melted in the winter..... Maybe things wouldn't be the way they are now if I did.

zora, just hang in there and focus on your meetings and taking good care of yourself. By that I mean, get into the habit of exercising and eating good and staying sober. That will keep your thinking clear and strong at a time when you need it most. Many alcoholics start eating sweets when they stop drinking and it screws up their blood sugar, which fogs out their thinking. So please stay away from the junk food.

Have you found a sponsor in AA yet?

Secondly, I wanted to address this:


Everytime you act like this, it makes the OW look more attractive, just keep that in mind when you feel like blasting him. You have full control over your emotions as long as you aren't drinking, so this has to stop. Your interactions with him should be ATTRACTIVE, not repellant.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint, but if you patiently and strategically work on a) improving yourself and b) a program of ATTRACTION, I bet you have a chance to turn this around.

Please forgive me but I'm not sure accusing your husband of abandonment is entirely accurate.

If I had someone being both physically violent and verbally abusive to me over and over, I'm not so sure I would hang around either.

Just focus on your alcohol addiction first and foremost. Once you get that under some sort of control, the other things will begin to come as well.

May God give you strength in this situation.

I have attended a couple of different AA meetings. I am working first to find a 'home' meeting that I am comfortable with. I think I did find one last night directly in my home town. I also did talk to a few women in the group who were willing to be sponsors. Hopefully I will find a match soon.

I am trying to keep myself super busy by attending AA meetings daily. I am also trying to find a women's support group.

I also made a bold move last night and sent an e-mail to a coach of a competitive rowing program in the area to see if they still had space available for me. I'm hoping since she knows me I will have an in (*fingers crossed*). Training will keep me super busy with traveling/competing and get me in better shape to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

Thanks goodness for this website. It is helping my anxiety so much by coming here and reading this stuff.

The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. For a long time, I kept hoping my husband would meet some of my needs - I should have forgotten that idea. He was so consumed by the affair that I was just like a piece of the furniture to him.

So stay busy, and work on YOU. The fact that he is staying at her place sucks, and just makes me think that there IS an affair. Plus, he should realize that he is only adding fuel to the fire. But that is out of your control. Work on making your life a good one.

So.... I just talked to my H on the phone. Mostly because I need to make plans this weekend for him to take care of our dogs since they are living with me and I am going away to see a friend.

I tried to sound super chipper.... I think he was suprised by it, maybe even a little ticked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, we are having lunch tomorrow so I can bring him some stuff and some bills and to 'talk'. I will 'try' to 'grin' and bare it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

This will be a great opportunity for you to show your best side and behave in an attractive manner. You could help ZORA instead of the OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Be attractive, ACT attractive. Be prepared for him to try and bait you into a fight, and be prepared to RESIST this at all costs. That is very hard for an alcoholic, but just tell yourself if you ALLOW yourself to react in anger, you HELP THE OW and you hand your H ammunition to use against you.

So...what will you do if he says that makes you angry?

Heh, he already tried to bait me on the phone. He expressed anger about some of the things my mother said to him, mostly because she was worried about my well being... parents....

Anyway, I said in the nicest, calmest voice, "you are right, she should never had said those things, I'm sorry she got involved" and left it at that.... Then I changed the subject <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> and swallowed hard.

GOOD!! Also, be sure and leave your pistol at home when you meet with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pistol? What pistol? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

With a little practice, wou can deflect without giving credence to the subject of his objection. Your mother was probably RIGHT, so you wouldn't want to kick her under the bus. Another way to do it would be to day "I am sorry you are so upset, but she is very upset too."