Hi Zora, I haven't posted in a long while, I still pop in and "lurk" from time to time. I read your post and I just wanted to tell to hang in there and please don't lose hope no matter how bad things look.

I am glad your working on you, I am glad your going to AA, how about church? I don't remember what you said about that. God and my church family are the only things that got me through my seperation (unfortantaly I didn't have this site when I was seperated, but it's helped me so much to keep going once he came home) My sitch was simular to yours in that do to my issues I pushed my Hubby away, that in combination with a lot of family problems and hubby going through a mid-life melt down. So my hubby was having a pity party and throw in a new woman at work who was willing to bring cake and ice cream to his pity party. And well he decided he need time to think,, so he rents a room from this woman, and of course it turns from a EA to a full blown PA fast. He lived with her 8 months it was awful. At times it looked impossible. Then he moves back home and for almost a year he fence sits,, it was hard, it sucked and I wanted to quit so many times. Fast forward 3.5 years we are doing good, we have both changed allot and it wasn't easy, there was broken NC several times and allot of tears but its good now. So no matter how dark it gets and it will get dark, just keep your faith and come here often, and work on Zora.. We are here for you. F26

Last night I was feeling pretty good and pretty happy. I worked out, went for a bike ride and walked my dogs. Today I woke up with such anxiety. I have to meet with H at 1 pm for lunch and to give him bills and a few things. I am so dreading it right now. I am going to try and act happy, but I can tell it's not going to be easy.

Thanks faith for the hopefull words...

Hi Zora, I am glad you had a good night,, you are doing good! When you see him today just be as happy and calm as possible, don't let him upset you, try to bite your tonuge when you get home you can scream and let it all out,and if things do go bad don't beat yourself up. Its a long journey,remember one day, one hour one minute at a time. ok? . I'll be praying for you. F-26

Well we had our lunch date. I played it off so cool. I am very proud of myself.

We talked about how I was doing and why he left. We talked about the person he is staying with and how I feel about their relationship. We talked about the bills, our dogs and the situation with my parents. Not one argument.

We also talked about him moving back in..... mostly he is reluctant to because the things he is doing right now set me off.... and I go into these out of control psychotic episodes where I drink and become well you know... nuts.... He doesn't want that to happen anymore.

I think right now he regrets leaving but doesn't understand how to deal with my situation since I become so aggravated by his actions...

He told me today that I seemed different the last 2 days, on the phone and right now.... I think it got to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

He is still looking for sublet apartment for the summer because he thinks it would be best to live apart until I get better.

Anywho, I KNOW I need to work on myself right now. SO that is what I am going to do. I realized the other day in one of my crying/sobing/oh woe is me my husband left episodes that no one else will love me if I can't love myself. So just working on loving me atm.

Thanks gang for reading.

hang in there girlie

we're rootin' for ya !

ZO,

"" mostly he is reluctant to because the things he is doing right now set me off.""

Oh you mean like having a very close friend of the opposite sex and the one that he goes skiing with, and now just happens to be staying at HER PLACE???

Hhhmmmm....well this seems kind of NORMAL to me. Now getting drunk and getting set off is not the way to handle it.

By plan Aing your A$$ off, being the best W you can be to him and plan AAing to get sober and stay that way is the best way to get him away from her and at the same time SAVE YOUR LIFE! Emerse yourself in the rowing and exercising.

Getting back to your boy staying at the skibumettes' place. Is there not an A going on here?? Does that ever come up in the discussions?

kirk

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Well, my H adamantly denies there is anything going on between them. He says they are just friends and thats it. He told me she was staying with her parents while he used her apartment so that I wouldn't get mad. I drove by and didn't see her car... so he SEEMS to be telling the truth. But who knows.

I trying to not get upset about this nonsense because it's just not worth it.

So.... my friends keep telling me that I should hire a PI to find out if my H's relationship with his ski buddy is an A or not. The problem is now he is not living at home.

They do work together. But if there is anything going on, my H's boss is like his best firend so I cannot reveal to him. Should I go to HR at my H's company? Will HR go to him directly and talk to him? Will they mention that I called to ask about it? I'm just wondering what to do here so I don't upset my H anymore.....

The other issue is that my H is in IT and can monitor/delete all e-mail traffic going in and out of anyones account at his company... so any e-mail evidence of an A probably would be deleted.

Hi Zora,, Good job on lunch yesterday.

Hey for what it is worth here is my 2 cents, personnally I would not go to his work about this just yet for several reasons. 1) You have stated that he is reluctant to move back home due to your flipping out over things he has done, well if you involved his job right now he could say see you haven't changed, and push him closer to the snow bunny, feeling totally justified in what he is doing 2) What does your gut tell you? is he telling the truth that they are not having a PA? I feel right now you need to stay put, put on your best face and keep working on solving your issues.

Good luck Zora keep us posted ok? F-26

So my H and I met for dinner again... and i tried to put on my best face.... But it didn't work out so much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We talked about us and questions came up like:

'how could we ever be happy together?'
'what do you want from a spouse?'
'ILUBINILWU' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
'how can we go back?'
'why did we ever get together?'
'i just don't know if i can try anymore'

Blah, blah, blah....

*sigh*

So I cracked and I cried.... only a little though. He even made me doubt how I feel about him... That's just great. I mean WTF? Now I feel more messed up than ever.

Meanwhile all his friends are telling him to leave me. How can I fight that?

Anyway, after our dinner I came home and thought a little more. One of the things that always pissed me off about my H is that he always walk in front of me. Like you know when going into a restaurant or store or something.... he never walked beside me and that always bothered me. I asked him if it meant something more. He couldn't answer me....

Sorry for all the babbling, but now I'm just pissed off....

I'm 99.999% certain he is having an affair. All of the signs are there.

You need to stay calm and be smart. Don't get emotional and clingy. If you can't do that, take a break and do some fun things with friends.

Settle down and get a plan.

Zora....i think believer is right....the signs of an affair are definately there. but dont lose hope, you have come so far from the "neck scratching" phase <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ......like believer said, stay calm and dont say or do anything rash....take a deeeeep breath....

(((((Zora)))))

Hi Zora, please don't beat yourself up over dinner, you are only human and can only take so much, your not a machine.

I would like to ask a question about your last post you wrote...
All of his friends are telling me to leave him.
What are they saying to you and what do they say is going on? I don't know if you husband is having a PA, but at the very least it feels like a EA. Please if you really want to try and save your marriage don't get discouraged by what he has told over dinner, right now he is trying to justify what he has done (moving out and maybe having an affair) he can't blame himself so he has to blame someone and that's going to be you.You have got to be strong. Its a long, long road and your dealing with alot. Are you still going to your AA meeting? And what about counciling?

hey gang. thanks for all the support. I am still continuing my AA meetings. I am doing about 3 a week. I still need a sponsor though. There are 2 women that I met that could possibly become my sponsor.

I am also still doing my own IC once a week.

Right now I'm in NJ visiting a friend and it feels good to get away. My H has called my every day since I've been here. We've had some really good conversations on the phone. It felt kinda like the old days....

Anyway, I'll keep ya posted!

Nothing like getting away to put things in perspective. Hang in there and don't give up until you have a good life back again.

So.... last night I came back from my little trip from the nj shore. And my H was kind enought to pick me up at the bus station.

He actually came home yesterday. I think probably because he did not have a real place to stay yet.

When we got home the first think he picked on my about was the fact that I did not wear my wedding ring. He was really upset about it and said that this shows alot about how I feel about our marriage.

Now, I didn't stop wearing the wedding ring until he stopped wearing his. He hasn't worn his wedding ring since he broke his hand (februaryish). His hand is all better now and he can wear it, but he won't. He says it doesn't 'feel' right to wear it.

Since he told me that, I was very hurt and angry, so I stopped wearing mine. I didn't stop wearing because I wanted to, but because I was so hurt.

It seems to me he was trying to pick a fight. What do you think?

Needless to say he accused me of going out partying and trying to pickup guys as a single girl. Which didn't happen, since I didn't go out at all except for a few restaurants to eat dinner. Meanwhile he is spending 90% of his quality time with his ski partner.

Oh I didn't mention this, but I had to wait at the bus station for almost an hour so he could bring his ski buddy home first. I called him with plenty of time so he could come get me.

I would read up on the 180 plan and try that. It seems your husband is still interesting in what you are doing and who you are doing it with when it doesn't involve him. I would do a 180 on him even if I had to fake it.

OK, So now H is back at home. We have a deal right now that we will try and not get into fights/bicker for a week and go from there. We are communicating and things have been going alright for a couple of days.

We are sleeping in the same bed and have been intimae a couple of times. But, he says he feels uncomfortable sleeping in bed. mostly because he says he can't fall asleep and we end up staying up half the night talking. He wants to sleep in the other room.

Hi is till also working out with his ski buddy every day. He says they are just friends still. I'm still pretty upset that he spends so much time with her.

I am still continuing going to AA, my IC, and I have now started group therapy, which I am really loving alot. I am excercing alot more now incudling rowing, biking and running. I am trying to get geared up to race this summer for rowing. I am in alot better state than I have been for months. The prozac is kicking in full force and I am regaining some confidence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, at this point I feel like I need a plan to draw my H back in somehow, to get hime to spend more time with me. So experts, where should I start?

start with yourself

keep yourself self soothed

MANAGE your anxiety

ask him this question twice a day

"Is there anything I can do for you at this moment?"

Okay, he's back, but you still have the same problem. He doesn't want you to "flip out" while he spends 90% of his quality time with his ski buddy. He made you wait an hour at the bus station because he had to take his her home first.

He needs to end contact with her. It is causing problems in your marriage. Please go to some counseling together with a counselor who understands affairs.