Also... my H's first A, was someone who played up being my friend. She even threw me a baby shower AND came to visit me in my hospital room days after sleeping with my H. But I knew... OW#1 simply got away with A's (she's had multiple A's) because I had nothing that I could pin on her. OW#2, on the other hand... I nailed her a$$ to the wall.

Confrontation is a personal thing. I confronted only once to OW#2 let her know what she was up against. For me, it was important for her to know that I MEANT what I SAID. Believe me... she knows now.

So my H packed his bags and rented a 1 br apartment about 45 minutes away. I'm sad and lonely but also somehow relieved?!?

We still commune daily because of our dogs, since both of us need to be responsible for their care. I am traveling alot as well because of rowing racing season.

I was just wondering what I should do at this point about the situation? There has been no talk of divorce. This seems like a bit of a cooling of period. What do I do? Help!!

I just wanted to mention that I have seen doubt in his eyes. The other day we took the dogs to the park and had a really great time. The dogs were really really happy for the first time in a Loooonnnggg time and I think it got to him. This is something I think I can work with. Any advice.

Hi Zora,,

OK granted him moving out is not what we were hoping for, BUT, at least he is living alone not with the ski bunny.

I feel what your parents did was a good thing, you can't deal with things if they are unknown, every thing has to be brought out into the open to be dealt with.

I think that you are doing a good job working on Zora, you can only control the things you do, you can not control what hubby chooses to. As far as what your hubby is saying to you, don't take it to heart he's trying very hard to justify what he is doing, my hubby brought stuff up that I did over 20 years ago when we were first married,, I was like 18 then. It was crazy. This is going to be hard and for every good day you have, you'll have 2 bad it's going to rough and its going to hurt. I know what you feel when he says "she gets me",, I used to hear "she's just such good company, she so easy to be with" (yeah I know just ask the rest of the guys at work) oops sorry was that my outside typing??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />lol,, Anyway keep working on you no matter what ever happens ok?

I wish there was a magic formula that if you followed it would work 100% of the time, but there isn't one. Please don't give up hope, try the 180 list it helped me stay focused on what I needed to do. ((hugs)) F-26

So as you might know from reading my posts, I have taken up competitive rowing once again. Today I had a time trial on the rowing machine with a bunch of other testing.

My H knew that I had that today and talked to me last night before I went to bed to wish me luck. he then called my early this morning to find out how I did.

He also called me later to let me know that I left my cell phone at home. He saw it when he stopped by to feed the dogs.

Now, I have rarely been calling him at all. I am kind of shocked at my lack of restraint.

Why is he calling so much and acting like he cares now. He moved out.... Why couldn't he do this a few weeks ago? Why now? Is this man nuts?

I'm trying to stay strong on doing my 180s. Maybe its working so far... One can only hope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It's probably because before he thought you couldn't live without him. Now, you're being YOU again and he's finding that attractive and he can't understand why you aren't falling at his feet.

Great job! Keep it up!

I agree with Will. My hubby did the same thing as soon as I started not being as available to him it started bothering him,, he started calling alot more,, started "popping" in at the house unexpected. He didn't like the fact that just maybe I was moving on. Men are funny and they say we are hard to understand (LOL) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. My advice,, just keep doing what your doing stay busy, try to have fun, when you do talk to him keep it light and friendly, don't ask anything that involves the marriage(unless he brings it first, then try to just listen). Try to sound upbeat its hard I know when inside you want to scream but right now you need to hang in there ok?? hugs and prayers for ya!!!!!! F-26

So my H has been acting quite the clinger as of late. Calling, texting, IMing, e-mailing me several times a day. I'm trying to only get back to him on the ocassion and it seems to be working out pretty well. He's even been buying me lunch and leaving it for me in the fridge. He invited me to his place over the weekend to go to the beach (he lives on the beach now).

We met up early with our dogs, went for lunch and hung out at the beach and had a pretty good time on Satursday.

Though all his actions point to try and working things out, everything that comes out of his mouth makes no sense. here's an example. I purchased a new desk for the house because our old desk was in sad shape. It was an L shaped desk that was built for 2, so we both could sit at it together. But now, I bought a large non L shaped desk that still sit 2. He looked at it and said, "I see you only bought a desk for one. I can see that you've already decided". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Then later on he says something along the lines that "I shouldn't wait for him". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The POW is still in the picture however. She's been to his apartment several times since he moved there. She's even stayed there overnight on the weekend with a group of people, not alone with him, or so he says. He still denies there is anything going on.

On the plus side thought, one or our mutual friends who didn't know anything that was going on called the POW a homewrecker to her face in front of alot of our mutual friends at my H's B-day party. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Can't say that I'm too upset about that.

Anyway. He is finally going to see a therapist Tuesday. It's about time I say. He really needs to get his head sorted out.

As far as how I'm doing, well my rowing season is well underway. I am getting in the best shape of my life. I am going to US Rowing Masters Nationals in the middle of August in TN. I have been entered in 6 events. I can't wait! It will be a blast.

Zora:

Nice little love-nest your hubby has there.

"Spent the night, but only with other friends"

RRRIGGGHHTT!!! That's the only day HE HAS to admit to.

So, go down and sit outside the apartment, especially on a night when you will be elsewhere, and he knows it in advance.

Say Thursday Night...Your at a "Rowing" thing and will not be home till midnight, leaving at 4. And you told him that today.

So Thursday, you drive to the lovenest, and guess who shows up?

You betcha.

Your out of the picture, and he knows it.

So lets party.

I would show up at 6:15 and just say..."It was cancelled" and if OW ain't there yet, watch his efforts to get her not to show up. And if if she is, just go with it....

HE is deep with this OW.

Sorry.

And you need to start working a firm plan to destroy it.

LG

For some reason I can't edit the title of the original post. Oh well.

Anyway, I was wondering if it perhaps it were time to implement plan B for me?

My H refuses to stop being 'friends' with the POW. He however calls me, texts me, IMs me and emails me everday to see how things are going. He also bought me a gift the other day for no reason. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Alot of the anger has gone away from our meetinsg since we separated. Which is good I guess.

He just started seeing and IC which is excellent. I guess she's given him things to think about. Though he hasn't said what.

Bottom line is that he will only commit to 'friendship' with me right now. And still says he can't work on the M. He also refuses to stop spedning time with POW because he says that they are only 'friends'.

Regardless of whether or not they are only 'friends', i believe she is getting in the way of our marriage.

Is plan B appropriate at this point.

I think I would go to Plan B. If your hubby isn't having an affair, I'll eat my hat. I would write him a Plan B letter, and move on with my life. When the affair is over, you may be able to save your marriage, but not until then.

What did your parents PI have to show you?

I think your husband is in a full-fledged affair. I'd want to see that evidence in a big hurry.

Other than tha amount of time they spend together, there is no evidence that they are anything other than friends. Things including e-mails IMw, text messages, cell phones and even seeing the 2 of them together (by mutual friends) have been watched.

Close mutual friends have told me that there appears to be nothing going on at all. The only thing that is suspect is that amount of time the spend together doing activiites such as running, biking, etc....

I am at a loss.

Well, this could still easily be an EMOTIONAL affair that hasn't escalated into a physical one...yet.

Its still clear that this 'friendship' has severely damaged your marriage. Its clear that he places more value on that than on his marriage to you.

I agree with Believer. Given that he's calling/texting/etc...its clear that he wants/needs you to meet some of his emotional needs. Given that, he'll suffer the loss of that if/when you go to plan B. It sounds like you may have done an effective plan A...then turning that into plan B will put him into a withdrawl state at the loss of you...at the gap created when you no longer fulfill those EN's.

I'd write a short, carefully worded, LOVING plan B letter. Tell him point blank that you love him and want your marriage, but that you are no longer willing to "share" him with ski bunny, or anyone else. Until he meets your specific requirements for recovery (NC with bunny, MC, IC, openness and honesty, etc...), you're going to take a step back and remove yourself from this situation to protect yourself and the love you currently feel for him.

Then go dark like Carlsbad Caverns in a power outage.

I think that plan B stands a chance of both helping YOU to recover, and to cause him to reconsider what he's doing as he'll see what life is like without you.

Zor,

How are you doing now?

L.

I've had better days. I found out that my H drove back overnight from a wedding just to spend time with the POW today sunday. So I am pretty upset. I had a fight with him about it cause I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

I've tried everything from exposing to his family, friends, and neighbors and even coworkers and this hasn't done anything to keep them from spending time together. On top of it, he doesn't buy into the EA or that he is having and EA.

I've seen him weaken at times, but there are still so many hurtful things that he does to me at this point. I know that I did many things wrong during the last 2 year of our marriage, but now I am feeling like I'm being punished, or that this is payback somehow.

At this point I am thinking that plan B is definitley the way to go. I just don't know if I have the strength or the courage to implement it.

Holy roller coaster ride folks. Thanks for all your guidance along the way.

So I talked top the H today. He said some things to me today that well, I'm not sure how to take them.

1. He said he would not have moved out if he thought he was coming back.

2. He said that I should go on with my life and not wait for him. i.e. do what I need to do to get over the hurt even of that means date...

3. He also said that he is working with his IC to get over his ambivalence. What he basically said is that his head gives him reasons a, b, c, d.... to not come back, but his heart is telling him to come back and stay in the M.

4. He says he still loves me.

5. He said that though he doesn't think about the things that I did to hurt him everyday, when he does think about them, they still hurt the same.

6. He keeps apologizing for the pain he is putting me through.

7. I asked if his head is telling him to get a D, why hasn't he said he wants a D anymore? He responded that it's too hard a decision to make.

8. We talk almost every day and we have some good talks and some bad talks.

9. He helped me through one of my anxiety attacks yesterday, which normally he would have run away from.

10. He has started noticing the little things that I changed, like I ironed some of his shirts and left them for him. (depositing units in love bank?)

11. He still continues to spend time with the 'friend' but not daily as it was before.

My question is with all of these things added up together is seems we have begun to make progress, yes? Thoughts? Anyone? Or am I fooling myself?

Keep 'em confoozed'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Then go dark. R u done with plan A? Ready for plan B?

Time is ripe.

L.

Well this week is US Rowing Master Nationals in Oak Ridge TN. So this is a pretty good peak to my plan A as I can get. I am about as fit as I was in college to boot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> I am hoping to come home with some medals. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It's looking like the next step is plan B if I don't see more of my old H soon. But I do think he's cracking.

I am going to be away for almost 2 weeks, so he won't be able to see me at all like he does now. And he won't have too much time to talk to me either since I will be racing and unavailable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I'm hoping that I don't have to go to plan B. We shall see....

I need some advice here. I have a few questions.

1) My H and I have now been separated for a month. We talk every single day over the phone or over IM. We are more than civil, even friendly. But it feels like we are going nowhere because of his fear of working on our relationship. I have put the olive branch out and am trying to do things that I think will make him happy. But he says, no matter what I do, his feelings aren't changing. Is he still in withdrawl? Or is he in conflict?

2) The reason we mostly communicate daily is because of our dogs. We both love them very much. If we took that away, there would really be no need to talk to each other except perhaps for bills.

He keeps saying, no matter what happens, he wants to remain friends and could never imagine me out of his life. Right now he doesn't see how it acctually would be if we didn't stay married. This is because we have to communicate because of the dogs.

I said that maybe we should give the dogs to his parents for the time being and see what happens. This is threading along the lines of plan B I know. Taking that away may give him a glimpse of how life would be. Would that be a good idea? I guess I'm still looking for a reason to go to plan B.

3) He has been going to his own IC sessions. The counselor is basically talking to him about what he wants out of life and what makes him happy. It doesn't seem like this counseloris into saving marriages. Is it dangerous for him to be going to an IC that isn't necassarily focused on saving an M?

4) BTW, it seems that the time he was spending with his ski buddy is growing short. He has started gaining weight again and started smoking. He was into bein fit and doing all this stuff with her for so long. Now it seems to have died down. What could this mean?

5) Is it a good idea to put a time limit on separation? Note that this is not a legal separation.

6) Edit -- Oh and one more thing. When I proposed plan B to my H, he said 'I would still appreciate an e-mail or something from you to know that you are ok', because of my (me) mental health situation, or so he says. What does this mean? Is this just his way of keeping tabs?

I guess I'm mostly looking for reassurance and different things, because I don't like this limbo that we are in.

*bump*
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