What happens when the OP is bashing the BS?

What feelings does the WS have listening to this?

Is it dependant on how wayward they are?

Just curious.

I never bashed my BS, I never bashed his BW, he never bashed my BS, he never bashed his BW.

Not once, not ever over an 18 month A. Quite the opposite on all fronts.

MMH, I am a BS, but perhaps my experience here may offer you some insight ?

When Squid and OM would discuss their partners, they would da[i][/i]mn us with faint praise.

When Squid wrote "Bob just isn't exciting anymore" OM would reply " not everyone stays young at heart. I am sure he doesn't mean to let you down".

See ? By doing that he gets to stick the knife in me, and praises himself but does so while appearing to an adoring, fogged out WS to be oh so very decent.

I have much more of this to report.

It seems to have been a theme of Squids affair that she would bundle up devastating criticism of OMs GF in soft-seeming sympathetic wrapping that served to inflame OMs "respect" for this woman who was trying to seperate the parents of his child.

There are many ways to "bash" BS' in an affair MMH. And be honest nothing that could possibly be siad between affairees about us could possibly be worse than them soiling our marriage vows with other partners.

Even if every moment with OM was a waking eulogy to my husbandry, for them to end such talks with affair sex pretty much rendered words insignificant IMO.

What is most important MMH, is that however fervently some WS believe their rewritten version of history during an affair - how bad their spouse is, how unsatisfying and unrescuable their marriage certainly is - the GREAT MAJORITY come to change their minds when given the chance to withdraw from their affair-addiction and confront reality without the rush of brain chemicals to skew it.

Whether your H is praising you or slating you during his affair , his true opinion can only be known when he gets the opportunity to withdraw from the rush of the affair.

Study MB and apply it - a good plan A to remind your H what he is giving up then if necessary a black plan B to make him miss you while you protect your dwindling love for him. These actions are VERY well indicated to help change your terrible situation intoa better one.

Have faith and try to practice " loving detachment" to protect your heart and your sanity at this time.

All blessings.

feed'in frenzy.

coz it's good for survival

Max

Thanks all. Was just curious.

I know WH has not once said anything to people we know about me. He has made remarks about things he "thinks" I am currently doing, but has been set straight very quickly. My curiousity stems from the affair itself, as I can see the affair friends saying things to make me look like a monster.

I've done my best to be rational and the only affair friend I have spoken to, I very calmly told him that I was disappointed in him (for lying to me when I went to him crying over my WH being gone)

I alson know that WH lawyer has tried to not put me in a good light, and of course, he believes her. It seems though, it has been pretty easy to pursuade him once he did let me in on the info she was giving him (maybe because he just wants to give me the world so he can continue on uninterrupted?)

Anyway, I've been out in a dark B by my WH Bob. He told me to not contact him anymore, so he is getting his wish. I know him, and I know he thinks he knows me. Saying do not contact me would normally throw me into a fit of crying, then I would call him begging, etc.

It's been three weeks now. Not a peep to him.

Anyway, I was just curious because it seemed to me, they would probably as the OP, say things about BS to encourage them in this mess. And, how far is too far when this happens?

how far is too far

Well, for example, Mortarman's WW was dragging him through the courts after a long long seperation and a very dark plan B from him.

Now, she's back, working on their marriage and expecting their next nipper. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It seems to be how long YOU the BS will wait before moving on rather than your WH. Virtually ALL affairs end but if BS invest in themselves they might find their givadam's broken long before the WS comes to their senses.

Invest in yourself to move on in EVERY way but fidelity. And stay very dark. Don't be teased out of plan B.

I've never been a quitter. I don't give up on things when I put my mind to them.

If you've read my thread, you can see I am so devoted to this man. He is my best friend, and life without him has sucked to say the least. But, I've slowly started to realize I have other friends that also love me, and will not let me give up hope.

I guess I just wait. I realize that living my life is the biggest threat to this affair. And, that is my priority.

MMH

I spent 18 years codependent on my dear Squid. When she pulled away in her affair, I smashed to the floor like a tray of glasses.

Now contrary to current opinion I LIKED codependency. It's good to need and be needed IMO. But it became clear to me that I needed to find an identity away from the various "hats" I wore in my life : husband, father, friend, employee, manager etc etc.

I have studied and applied the tenets of self-actualization over the years since Squid's affair. Not with any great enthusiasm to be fair - but the relief it has given me is incredible.

I am now free to WANT Squid without needing her. That is pretty much the only platform for fair marriagebuilding to take place IMO.

I think it would be wise for you to look to become more self-sustaining. That, amazingly, provokes fear in many active WS. Moving on in all but fidelity is a regular motivator for WS to reconsider their actions.

That is what I have been doing Bob.

Two months ago, I never thought it at all possible. I believed that I would just crawl up into a ball and die.

I met my H when I was 18, and we have been inseperable ever since.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and I know that God has done this so that *I* can become my own person. I needed to be free from my co-dependancy.

As a result, I have found a new place to live. Chose it myself. I have done things that my H used to do for me. I stood my ground when it came time for our softball season to get it's start up. WH assumed I would just quit and not play this year. He was wrong, and that ticked him off to no end. Now, he has quit our team, and is whining about how unfair *I* am.

I have also learned to stand up for myself, and not back down. Last night, I went out for awhile with some friends, and despite being the oldest person in the bar (at 27... can you imagine that?) I had a great time!

I have learned to laugh, even when I am feeling like crap.

This is the gift my WH has given me (as sadistic as it is to think of it as a gift...) and the best one I have ever received from him. (Of course, I will never thank him for it lol) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's true Bob. I too liked my life the way it was. But, I think I can like the new one just as much if not more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />