Could any former wandering spouses offer some of their experiences shortly after d-day and NC letter sent? WW is currently in the fog deep--disparaging marriage as an institution, not in love with BH, hopeless about her M, NO remorse about the A, eratic behavior with her children. The NC email was sent 5/10 with a threat to contact OMW with the truth if any additional contact ocurred.

I have been the BS and remember some of this type of behavior, but hearing it from the other side would help! Thanks!

Although I'm a relative newbie and BS, I KNOW from recent firsthand experience that blackmail threats will only prolong the A.

Expose to the OPS immediately without warning.

Ace

All checking on cell phone, emails etc. show no contact is in place. BH is not willing to contact OMW right now.

Since you replied so quickly, did your FWH respond to d-day in the way his WW did--cynical, hopeless etc.? Doesn't this mean she is now in withdrawal? I would worry more if she didn't show these signs that perhaps contact was still happening.

BH is having a hard time holding on while WW is acting like this--very difficult to be around, no remorse and his taker is starting to activate.

According to Hartley's book, it will take three weeks of absolute no contact for WW to settle down. After that, WW should have NC with OP ever again.

During this time of withdrawal, the WW will be irritable, depressed, angry, resentful. She will go through withdrawal.

HL

sisterinlaw, that sounds like a pretty typical withdrawal to me, but he is just asking for trouble by delaying the exposure to the OMW. The OMW has to be told sooner or later, and the sooner the better so they can all get on with recovery. Might as well get all the hard stuff over with right now and recover ONCE, instead of numerous times. The OMW has a right to know, firstly, and secondly, telling her decreases the odds of a resumption with 2 people watching from both ends.

SIL - seriously, if BH won't expose, YOU SHOULD DO IT.

I have been urging BH to expose, but he believes that the A is over and has all that is needed to ensure NC. Supposedly, the OMW is from another country and could/would take the kids there and disappear. This is the threat and of course WW doesn't want to have her OM lose his kids. Never mind how much things hurt her BH.

If the A was still ongoing I would feel that I was justified in telling OMW. I know she has the right to know, in fact I am sure she is quite suspicious. BH is poised to expose if they have the slightest contact.

No doubt WW will be testy--this is normal. Guess it is a waiting game at this point. Is there some kind of indicator that the WW is finally coming out of the fog?

SIL - would you want to know? would YOU care who told you? Would YOU consider someone who hides this vital information from you a person of good moral character? Would you find your excuses compelling reasons why someone failed to help YOU when you needed them?

That poor woman probably wonders if she is crazy.

You can alleviate her anguish by telling her the truth, that it is not her fault.

Yes, that opens a whole new can of anguish, but that is her WH's problem to deal with. She will at least have the comfort of knowing that she is the sane one.

It is the right thing to do.

You are justified in telling the OMW NOW, she should be told regardless of the state of the affair. Which will change from day to day, I assure you. Exposure to the OP's spouse is NEVER contingent on the state of the affair.

Really, she has to be told. It would cruel and heartless to not tell her. If his neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him, would he hestitate for a minute to tell him? It is the exact same principle. The OMW needs to know she can protect herself and her children.

Sister:


The key word is supposedly.

Affairs are built upon lies and betrayal. At the same time they are calling each other soul mates, affairees are lying their faces off to each other, themselves and spouses. This is especially true with males. I personally wouldn't believe a word he ever said and frankly the story about his BW sounds like a complete fabrication.

Affairs can go dark for short periods of time to let the heat die down. A fully exposed affair has a much rougher time getting started back up again. In a less than completely exposed affair, the affairees find better ways to hide their activities. Failing to expose completely increases the risk of it starting back up again at some point in time.

The betrayed spouse owes exactly nothing to the OM, less than nothing actually. The OM did what he did and paying the price for an affair is justice. If he gets away with it, you can bet he will do it again; affair emotions are like an addiction. He needs to feel the full impact of the down side to affairs. Not only that, his wife needs to know who she is married to; he made a decision without her consent or approval. She needs to know as a right to know.

Sure WW will get mad. So what. She is mad anyway because her fantasy got busted. Exposing her OM helps insure that the fantasy will die more quickly and more effectively. Exposing tells her that her BH is serious about restoring the marriage and his relationship with her. If the BH allows his WW to manipulate him, he will lose even more respect in her eyes, in my opinion. Exposing is a fair warning of how he views things - it is the right thing to do. When and if she starts to exit her fog, she will then understand she is married to a man of principle.

Larry

Larry

Apparently, the OM, who KNOWS HER BEST, is not worried about this or he wouldn't have had the affair. Since he is not worried about it, y'all should not worry about it either. And remember, he knows her best.

Secondly, if the OMW wants to leave him and go back to her home country, that is her God given right. She is not the OM's PET DOG, but a human being who has a RIGHT to decide where and with whom she will live. The OM and the WS are the LAST people qualified to decide what is best for anyone, much less their victims.

The OM has no right to keep her in a marriage based on a LIE. Knowing that she would want to leave him in the case of adultery, makes it much more IMPERATIVE that she be told so she can leave him. She has a RIGHT to dump him if she wants.

Sorry for the delayed reponse, SIL


As a BW, I didn't want to contact OPS initially either. Fear ruled in those early days....wondered if he would pummel my H if he knew.

Also, the phrase "as far as I know" is missing from your first sentence. I checked my H's email, cell bill etc. and found nothing either. He had a new "draft 'N delete" email acct. and was arranging for OW to call him at work, which was virtually untraceable.



Which D-Day? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I had four. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

After the first 2 D-Days (found secret email accounts), WH was sorry for getting caught, (but seemingly not for the A) but I didn't realize it until my BS fog dissapated after finding MB forums 8 weeks after D-Day #4. Withdrawal differs somewhat IMHO so it's hard to judge....I wouldn't want to guess.

My H is very remorseful now, but when he was in withdrawal he was defensive, hopeless, self-condescending, suicidal and tried to sleep all day and all night. Remember, withdrawal also started over with every D-Day....6 months --pre-MB---for us.

It would be good to expose to minimize the chance of renewed contact. Hate to say it but I'd guess it's just gone further underground......sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


Can BH post on MB? IMHO that would be better.

Ace

OK, I know what you all are saying is right. I wanted to tell OMW long ago but said that I wouldn't IF my sister, WW told her BH. Before she told, he found out, confronted, she denied. He called me to see if I knew and I confirmed everything, including setting him straight on the fact that it was a full blown affair. I have been trying to help him. I told him right away that he needed to contact OMW. He did not want to and once he got the truth from WW he agreed not to tell OMW if she cut off all contact and ensured that NC continued. He has a keylogger on the only computer she has access to. She has a new phone and number and he can check it online anytime.

Since my FWH also kept going with contact after our d-day I am fully aware of all that can happen. I AM trying to help WW and BH to avoid this in their situation.

At this point BH feels telling OMW would just be punishing his W because this would hurt her that she was the cause of their marriage falling apart. Yes, ridiculous logic and when she gave me that line when I threatened to tell OMW I told her that the telling wasn't what was ruining the M, the Affair was, she was off in fogland.

Maybe I could anonymously get a message to OMW about the A that wouldn't implicate me or BH?? I know that OMW has a right to know. WW has said that OMW suspects an A and has told her WH that he is just "too smart to get caught." Perhaps I could open my own secret email account and send her an email about the truth? Would she be able to trace it? It would help on many fronts and of course, is the right thing to do.

If she is still acting like a Ws, expose for the BS & family's sake. If she is an Xws, the Xws would want to clear the air for the OMW & family and w/b pushing for exposure regardless of the difficulty.

Anything less is not acceptable for recovery.

Exposure to the OM'W s/b a requirement for recovery. The details of how it is done, when and by whom is where the real concentration s/b.

JMHO,
L.

The only worse than making a BAD PROMISE is keeping a bad promise. Keeping this promise INCREASES the odds of a resumption of the affair, DRAMATICALLY. The WS bargains to keep the affair secret so they CAN RESUME IT. Agreeing to help a wayward HIDE THE AFFAIR from her victim is a DREADFUL MISTAKE that can only be rectified by telling the OMW the truth.


Do you want me to tell her? I will.


He is just being silly. NOT protecting his WW from the consequences of her affair is not "punishment." That makes no sense.

And that is a lie that she feels bad about being the "cause" of their marriage falling apart. If that were true, she wouldn't have had an affair with her H. The affair ruined the marriage, telling her the TRUTH gives her a chance to SAVE HER MARRIAGE. If she really felt bad, she would tell the OMW the truth and apologize. But she isn't sorry, she is sorry she got busted and is covering her [censored].

Agree with Mel - and in any case, no one knows WHAT will happen to the other family. It's all just suppositions.

I also would be happy to tell (in fact I have done it before)

Why do people struggle so much with morality? This is totally beyond my comprehension.

Actually, I'll go a bit further here on reflection.

People, so called "friends" that knew about my wife's affair but didn't tell me, are now, permanently off the christmas card list and have been subtracted from my list of friends. These days they aren't even acquaintences.