Well. here it is 2 years after dd. I found that I miss the feeling of being "treasured", in love and completely blind. I miss the feeling of being special in someones eyes. I am still hurt, confused, and totaly f'ed up. I feel cheated and stupid. I am facing 43yrs old in a week, and feeling 65. I am tired and used up. And yes this is sounding like a pity party. He works nights and I am here alone. Part of me wants the pain to end and part of me wants to take off and run. He says he is in love with me, But he is such a good liar.

I must say... he has done nothing to make me feel that something is going on, but that part of me, deep down knows, that given that oppertunity, he would think that he could do it again, yes cheat, to make it short and sweet, he would. I want to know how to end a 16 year marrage, how to block the feelings of betrayal. How to start over at 43 years old. I am so lost.

Please help me find my way.
Kat

Kat - how much of Dr. Harley's stuff have you read?

Have you printed two copies of the emotional needs questionnaire? One for each of you?

Is no contact in place?

Have you investigated to see if anything is going on? Look at the cell phone bill. It will tell you. If the hair is standing up on the back of your neck - then you need to find out why. Trust, TRUST that instinct.

You gotta take care of yourself. Work on your own self esteem.

I have not read any of your other posts - forgive me if you have given more info elsewhere.

Have him fill out the EN sheets. Then talk about it. A lot.

Pray a lot.

Keep us posted.

far

I miss it too Kat. I miss feeling unconditional love for someone that I knew loved me unconditionally. I miss the trust. I miss being able to talk to my W and know I'm talking to my W. Now I have to remind myself that she may or may not be my W, she might be in WS mode and feeling like she's not married anymore. It's strange. Very strange. I miss having a normal marriage.

I knew where I stood before, now I don't.

I knew she love me before, now I don't.

I miss knowing how things are.

There are so many times lately when I want to walk off and forget it all. I have never cried so much in my life. I have never missed my W so much in life. She's right there, and I miss her like she's thousands of miles away.

I look around now and see people in a light I've never seen before. Now I see relationships as more whatever they are right now, and don't feel any trust that someone will hold to what they said was dear to them. I miss being able to have deep feelings for someone and be able to trust they'll still be there. They might not.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, I'm sorry anyone had to.

Keep trying to put in the ENs, ignore the WS attitude and try to hold out as long as you can. Give your best shot at the plan A. No anger or demands. If you can't continue, go to plan B.

This isn't easy, but it's worth it if you love your WS and want to say you tried and did all you could to save the M. It was their choice at that point, whatever they wanted, happened.

God bless,
CS

Just to let you know, I was pretty well lost at about the two year stage too.

It was like what the????

With our recovery,I carried on regardless...kept on marchin on. Then I hit...one mother of a hump...just as you described

In the big picture: the decision is yours

What is it you want?

Max

How would you describe "opportunity"?

We are apparently all capable of cheating given the right circumstances. You H has proven that he is certainly capable. So, by your definition, he has not cheated again because he has not yet been given the opportunity. What opportunity (from your POV) are we talking about? I do have a reason for asking this so please give it some thought.

I believe that you are waiting on him to cheat again. Part of you actually wishes he would to prove you right. You don't want to trust him again. That would save you the effort.

You are 43, I am 53 and was asking myself the same question. Since my head is a bit clearer now, I see that I still have at least 20 good years left on this earth so why can't I start over again. If in the end I am single, I will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sugarland's new song will be my motto. I have a lot of love to give and if my WH doesn't want it, that will be his loss. I know now I can go on and that I am not too old to have another relationship. However, you don't always choose who you fall in love with. I want very much to spend the rest of my time with my WH so when he decides to come back to our marriage I intend to not waste one day worrying about what might happen. Instead I'm going to focus on making sure that I am doing everything I can to make him happy and content. If he can't do the same then God's will be done.

I am almost to the 2nd anniversary of d-day, as well.

What are the two of you doing together for recovery?

My husband changed jobs - he no longer works long crazy hours. He makes himself totally transparent in all his communication methods.

We know each other's ENs and work to meet those. We have check up every few weeks. We honestly talk about how we are doing meeting them.

Did you get everything you needed from him at the beginning as to details, etc? If not, is that something you are needing now?

What have you done and what are you doing for you? I get my nails done, I go to the gym, I have much more self confidence that I did. I have lost weight and bought clothes I like. You are important- are you treating yourself as such?

bump^^^

are you still around?

I am still here, He has been home for a few days, and I havent been able to spend time on my computer. Hes been on it. I want to take a min. to thank al of you and I will give you an update tomorrow after he goes back to work, hes stroling around me now.

K.

YES I AM STILL HERE!

Katlo:

Have him sit down next to you next time.

There is nothing here that won't help you to build a better M.

Believe Me.

LG

I agree with LG. Have you told your husband you are feeling this way?

Would it be possible for you to call the Harleys or to maybe attend a Marriage Builders weekend?

bumping again - how are you?

I'm going to go back to my original question. What would you consider an opportunity? Do you think he is just waiting for you to turn your back so he can get away with it? Is "opportunity" being trapped on a desert isle with a beautiful woman with no chance of rescue? He is probably not nearly as likely to cheat as you assign him capacity to do so. Is the problem really him or is at least part of it your perception of him? A perception now skewed by the A? I ask because I happen to have some personal experience with this.