A few weeks ago, I had suspicion that my wife had something going on. She had worked a 2-10 shift one evening and said that she was going to work out at her job after work. That didn't make sense to me because we have fitness equipment here at the house. Well, at time went on, I confronted her about this and she confessed that she worked out with a male co-worker. I later found out that it was the same male co-worker she had be calling, texting and emailing. She deleted all of these so that I wouldn't know about them. Needless to say, I confronted her about all of this and she admitted to doing this, but stressed that they are only friends and she did it all because she knew that I would get mad. So, I called him on the phone and tried to get to the bottom of this. It ended up that I arranged a dinner between him, his wife, and my wife and I. The first 10 mins was horrible. We just argued back and forth. His wife totally took his side saying that I just don't know her husband. I in turn said, that I don't appreciate your husband doing these things while I'm not around. I further asked him to respect me as he would want me to respect him and no longer do this. My wife thinks that I went over board. We have been married for 5 years now and have 3 beautiful children. He is also married for 10 years and have 3 children. My wife tells me that I'm trying to control her by imposing these demands. I did also request for her to change departments. She said that her ultimate goal was for him and I to become friends. Now, let me mention this as well. For the past 5 years, I worked with all women. My wife would get so angry with me and would make comments like, you need a man job. She also said back then that men and women can't be friends. Now that she's working with all men, she says that men and women can be friends. And the last thing, she changed her password for her email at work so that I can no longer check it. But she says that she did this because I sent him a letter of apology and signed my name to it. We went to counseling last Thursday and on our way home, my wife said that she doesn't need counseling, I do. HELP!!!!!!!

I think you both could definatly use some counceling on jelousy issues. Personally I agree with you. I feel it is inappropriate for a married person to engage in activities with the opposite sex no matter what the reason is about. I believe it just leaves an open dorr for bad things to happen.

I could understand if she wanzted the both of you to get together and do the double date thing, but when it only involves her and him it is just a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

The fact that she wants the two of you to be friends may be a suign that she thinks the man is nice and that you two wouyld get along well, may be good intentions on her behalf but I am not there and I do not know either of you.

There are times in which spouces can do things that make you suspisicious even when they are not doing anything wrong.

My H has always been a very private person. He has never welcomed me to looking through his belongings or phone... While I on the other hand am more than willing to allow him to search search search.

Try to think back and see whether she has always been a little reserved, maybe she is also just angry at the fact you do not trust her after 5 years...

That is one of the issues with me and my H, I would search his cell for no real reason. He did not care I was searching but it was the principle that I did not trust him. I have never found anything...

My IC has given me a method to help me overcome my jeloucy issues. Whenever I think "Is my H cheating? Is he talking to a female? blah blah blah..."

I am supposed to imagine a HUGE stop sign. Works... Anyhow, the stop sign enforces your self control and you can then think why ij the world would I say that? sure it may be starnge but I know my spouce is honest and faithful. Does she have a history of A's?

I would back off on the accusations. Instead of saying it is inappropriate and stuff may or may not happen just ask her NICELY why her friendship with this coworker is so important to her.

Use reflective listening (repeating what she says to you to ensure you have gotten the right message: I.E: You say "why is the friendship so important?" She says "Well, his is a nice guy and I think the two of you would really get along." You then say "Let me make sure I understand, you enjoy his company and think I would enjoy his company as well?" )

This allows for her to hear what she has just said as well as you better understanding what is going on, allowing you to gain more knowledge of the situation.

I would make sure she knows there are boundaries and you do not feel comfortable with her spending all her time with this male, ask her since ya'll have exercize equipment at your house if she could just start inviting him there to work out.

Marriage is about comprimise, and this means both of you. You may find the guy is nice and likeable and your wife and he had no inentions of making the friendship romantic.

Considering he is also married and his wife was defending the friendship I tend to believe it is just a friendship, although as I said I do not condone the "chilling" of the opposite sex alone together, but that is something you and your wife will have to work out together. Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out !!!!!

Thank you so much for this advice. I am just so confused right now. She doesn't have a history of A's. It's just the fact that her habits and views have changed. That worried me. I do want to trust her because I love her so deeply. I am just trying to get her to understand that her actions are not appropiate. So, it's a work in progress. Hopefully between counseling and surrendering our lives to God, things will get better.

S&C,

Sounds like what you guys are feeling around are healthy marital boundaries.

Have you read Dr. Harley's "Surviving An Affair" yet? Gives great insight, IMO, about how A's happen and how to affair-proof your marriage.

A solid marital boundary is to have no close relationships with members of the opposite sex. What's close? Contact...time spent means relationships develop. Take that as the precaution and the cure...more time spent together, especially RC time...15 hours of UA...and following the four rules of marriage are how you have a thriving marriage.

Next, read up on why blind trust kills marriages. It's not real...not for adults...get to know that the trust you may be yearning for can be exactly what unravels your marriage.

Seems you have read, to my way of thinking, a lot. That partners share all passwords, access to communications...because you're in a partnership. Her changing her password and not giving it to you is a red flag. You mis-using this access by sending an email to OM (did I understand that correctly) as if you were her, isn't Open and Honest at all.

I'm not comparing...highlighting where you may do a lot of Love Busters (LBs) and only you control your choices. Clean those up so you guys can have a way to be connected, to be intimate in your marriage.

You also identifying where her habits and views have changed is important, as well. Seems like you are really invested in your marriage. A wayward state of mind comes from entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Use that as your guideline for YOU...identify where you create and nurture resentment in you; get the signal of entitlement as just that--a signal to help you see where you are resenting...and understand what respect really is...

Where you end and she begins.

What you control as a human, and what you cannot.

If you can see where her resentment built because you crossed this boundary...forming relationships with other women you worked with...where you may have put work, coworkers or something else ahead of your marriage...get to it and own it. It was yours. We cannot enforce boundaries which we cross ourselves.

Have you read a lot about A's? They begin in the mind, with that formula...another component is giving to get, and the flip side of that is tit for tat. Sounds as if your W is now where you are...working with all men, just as you did with all women...

Next, do not educate your W, ever. She's your equal...she knows. Focus on where your actions have not been appropriate...share what you realized, why you changed your choices. If you haven't done this...changed your choices...made your marriage your highest priority, then do so.

In counseling, are you learning about listen and repeat? About using "I" statements? The difference between sharing and discussing? Communication exercises are great...ask for them.

The fog for a wayward state of mind is real...respect it. Ask your MC about doing resentment timelines (both of you).

You can have a thriving marriage, S&C. You really can. Your children deserve all your efforts to create and live that way. "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend is another "must" on my booklist. Educate yourself...share what you find out, where your beliefs change...and own your past choices, share with your W, and keep checking on her level of contact with OM. Emotional Affairs (EAs) are real...they will break a marriage in half...same for just fantasizing about others outside your marriage even without contact.

I know, 'cuz I lived it. And we've recovered. We're living examples of knowing more of ourselves strengthens our half of the marriage...get your focus on you, your stuff...and act intimately with your wife by sharing it, 'k?

Not educating her. You're in this together, if you choose to see yourselves that way...learning to partner, not parent each other. You're not alone.

Please consider posting on Infidelity General Questions II forum...there's a lot more traffic and I believe you qualify for being there. SSW posts over there, as well.

LA

Actually, the email that I sent to him, I signed it with my name. I didn't disguise myself as her. Also, in the years past, she did have trouble with me working with all women. I didn't understand why she was so bothered at times, but I did know that she comes first in my life. The thing was is that my co-workers were just that. Nothing else. I'm a multiskilled guy, so whenever someone needed something fixed, they called upon me. One day, I went to a female coworker's home. At the time, she was a single mother of three. I did tell my wife that I was going over there. My purpose there was to run cable lines from her attic thru her house. She lived about an hour away from my home at the time. I came home around 11pm that night and my wife was angry with me because she had tried contacting me but was unable to reach me. I had purposely left my phone in my car because I was crawling around in this lady's attic. I realized after the fact that it was me who made things look way worse than what they were. In my wife's eyes, she thought I was having an affair. So, on this occasion, I messed up. I take pride in my marriage. She is the first person that I can honestly say, I have fallen in love with. That's what makes this so hard. After all of these years, she had these wild ideas(because I worked with women). Now that she's working with all men, everything is cool in her eyes. She sees no fault in what she has done. She says that the only thing she did wrong was hiding it all from me. I hope that our counselor can give her a better understanding although she thinks I'm the one that needs counseling, not her.

I find it important to never put myself in a position to be accused. Suspicion could hurt a marraige as much as an affair. If you are uncomfortable with her friendship she should end it.
Also, I wouldn't confront him or his wife. Your wife is the one committed to you. Her actions are what concern you. She should be telling him what you told him.

I don't care what anyone thinks......WHAT SHE DID WAS DOWN RIGHT DISRESPECTFUL!!!

there is no excuse for it! she actually said she erased all the texts and emails because she KNOWS you would be upset, but continued a secret relationship anyway?!?

If the friendship is no big deal and not an afair, then she would not have to LIE ABOUT IT!

do not make excuses for her, go seek counselling if you both want to stay married. and start giving your wife the attention she is obviously not getting!

I think she may have erased her emails because she fears her husband and his insecurities over her friendship with this employee. If she was really having an affair, do you think she would go out to dinner with his wife? This man sounds like he has some controlling issues. Also self esteem seems very low. What ever happebed to trust in a marriage? awithout that there is no marriage.

Ok, here is the deal. I have never been like this until my wife created this whole situation. We had always had our small flaws, but nothing compared to this. Ok, so I thought we were getting over this until this past Monday. She didn't really call me all day and that was strange. She did call me at 12:57pm, but she had to return to work at 1pm. When she got home, I checked her phone and realized that she had spoken to the guy for about 10-15mins right before she called me. Then to top it off, I looked thru here cellphone a little further and noticed that she placed him number under her uncle's name. I then flew off of the handle and took her cellphone and broke it in half. I called her a few choice words and proceeded to leave with our son. Her excuse for hiding his number like that was because her sister in law didn't have anything to write on and didn't have her cellphone with her. I'm not buying that. Now, she has gotten her own cellphone plan even though I told her that she has a replacement on the way. She keeps her call history clean, as well as text messages and contacts. She has turned the situation around on my saying that she's tired of me spying on her. I never did this before she created the situation. I did notice that she obviously has been talking to someone on her phone because her call timer wasn't erased. She says that she's confused and is unsure if she wants to remain with me because of the things i said and the attempt to take our son away. Oh, and the spying. She doesn't even want to go to counseling anymore. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First - your discomfort with her friendship is totally understandable. Right? Wrong? Those are up to individual opinion. What does Harley say about extramarital friendships? He says they are affairs waiting to happen and should be completely avoided at all costs.

But, allow me if I may to change the topic a bit.

Are you meeting her emotional needs? Do you know what they are? If your love-busting outburst you just described is indicative of how you handle conflict you may also want to consider other love busters you may be engaging in without even knowing it.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that your wife is getting her needs met to some degree by her co-worker. Your account in her love bank is leaking money. Maybe your love boat is sinking. You can bail water out (demanding she not she this guy, being confrontational, breaking her phone) or you can stop the leak (re-spark the crazy-love by learning how she wants to be taken care of, what she craves in a mate and being that man.)

Food for thought. You can fight fire with fire or something softer and less deadly. Love her back to you. I'm not saying you should tolerate an affair, of any sort. It is not unreasonable for you to request your wife cut all ties to this man - but you CANNOT demand it. Dude, you're just pushing her further away.