im very confused atm, i partly need some advice and partly just need to vent. This has been ongoing for most of the relationship but has gotten gradually worse (especially lately).
Me and my GF have been together for over 2 years now, and at the moment were put in to a situation where we had to move back with our parents so we do not live together at the moment. I am 25 years old and she is 24. Normally things between us are great. She is not only my GF but my best friend by far and I know the feelings are mutual. I dont want to give the wrong idea - she is a great girl and I have way less serious problems with her then most of the others on these forums. But this is the most severe problem in my life at the moment and is making me miserable for hours of the day to the entire day almost daily.
We are both givers and that works very well for us. We typically get along great.... Except when she gets mad. I wont lie - she does have anger problems. I Never felt any kind of physical abuse, only mental from her anger. It has progressively gotten worse and lately I am unsure what to do. It's like she randomly gets mad - we will be having a friendly conversation (for example earlier today we were talking awhile and she was saying she needs to set up a budget and maybe she needs to get some software for it or something, to which i responded "yeah we can actually do that on paper or wordpad or anything but the hardest part of setting up a budget is to is to not overspend", to which she responded "just shut up ur pissing me off now". it just shocks me and its confusing... i duno where it comes from so i jus feel bad and get quiet. Right after she apoligized to me about this whole thing, so everythings fine with it now, but this type of thing has been happening sooooo much lately. Its hard to deal with, and the worst part of this happening alot is our personalitys/responses to this..
She is the type of person that when shes mad, she does whatever she can to just get her mind off of it and ignore it. She dont want to hear anything about it because she gets mad if she does. I am the type of person that feels bad and lose all inspiration to do anything and end up just laying down in bed depressed and waiting for things to be back to normal. The time that I have to wait is torture and it seems like more and more, she gets mad, and makes sure I have no way to get in contact with her almost like it is a punishment for making her mad. But most these times its not even me making her mad, its usually either something like my above example or her mad at someone or something else and the lashing out always comes towards me. To add to the anger problems, she is easily frustrated, and to be completely honest she is immature alot of the time (which is what leads to a good portion of the frustration).
Where these 2 come in is my story from earlier tonight. She has to get a new car and was searching listings on-line and we were talking on the phone. Her having to work to do something for herself for a few hours was frustrating her (this is one place where I feel she displays immaturity). She randomly says "f_ _ k it I dont want a car no more" then ends up looking again in a min, and I was trying to do what I could to help but mostly it was between her and her mother (they are the ones actually spending the money for it). Her mother is asking questions etc calling people for her cuz she was getting frustrated calling people, and during her mom calling, my gf is telling her the info but getting extremely frustrated with her mom askin questions like what kind of car etc.. She first gets so angry that she starts making wise comments back at her mom, just like a little kid would. I do admit her mom is hard to deal with, but this anger and wise comments are going to be brought up again shortly. Anyway, it is like she dont want to help herself and lashes out at the people helping her making them as miserable as she is, almost like the ppl helping are being held responsible for her frustration. In the middle of me trying to look up somethign for her at carfax.com she was reading off a Vin# to me to look up and i said "huh?" and she responded "HUH??" mocking me, also like a little kid does their parents. One of the many ways she randomly lashes out at me unprovoked. Anyway so we were sitting there and she sighed and kinda groaned like she was upset and about to cry, and then says "i need to marry someone that is rich so I can just sit home and not have to go thru any of this". Soon as she said that it hurt and I wondered again why shes doing this when im doing nothing but help her? But I dont want to say anything and start a fight so I was just quiet. Then a few secs later, she says "baby?", I was still kinda hurt by what she said before so I was pretty quiet, but i responded "yeah?". she did not hear me tho, and again was like "baby?!" louder this time, so I said "hi" a little louder. again even louder she says "BABY?!" so im like "babe??". then she starts yelling and i dont remember all of what she said but it was a barrage of yelling and cursing at me but I do remember she ended it with the key part of "SO FINE F U IGNORE ME THEN". So in response to being yelled at, I inadvertently raised my voice as I said "what?! i responded all 3 times!". She responds "well sorry then i didnt F'n hear you!! now shut up ur being a d _ _k". im like "me? u said something completely hurtful and disrespectful to me, then try to get my attention and i respond all 3 times and u didnt hear me and then lash out at me n im being a d _ _ k?". she responds "i didnt mean the marriage thing I was just joking and u r being a d _ _ k" (which I was afraid to say but i doubt it was a joke, i know she didnt really mean it she was jus frustrated, but it wasnt a joke), so I replied "how am i a d _ _ k I responded 3 times??". she says "well im gona say it 3 times, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!", followed by her laughin. hurts so bad that I'm being hurt by what shes doing and shes laughin at me. So realizing that (again like almost every day) im in a situation where I'm not supposed to talk, n hating that I have to take this kind of thing, i ended up throwing a mic off of my desk. Which hearing that hit the wall, she found it hilarious. She was seriously cracking up at it. I feel like I am dealing with a young teenager. This all adds up on top of the prior feeling of hurt of her laughing at me. So it goes thru my mind that maybe I should hang up. But I didnt do it, even though I thought I probably should distance myself from someone who wants to hurt me at the moment. I was scared to hang up cuz i didnt want to make her even more madder at me though. Then I hear from her... "ur bein a d _ _ k so il talk to u later" n hangs up on me. This was 10:15 tonight. It is 1:39 now and I still have not heard from her (and we are night creatures lol so I know for a fact shes gona be up at least a few more hours, especially since she had a nap till bout 8 or so tonight). I was laying down for the first couple hours even though im not tired, but I couldnt sleep so I actually came to this site and put in yahoo "why does my gf like to see me in pain" and it led me to this site...
I really hate this, I feel like shes playing mind games, shes doing things abusive me and then telling me IM being mean? I thought maybe shes mad cuz she thought I was ignoring her, but she acknowledged that she didnt hear me and even said sorry, and she didnt say it sarcastically either so I know its not an issue that she didnt believe me. She finds humor in hurting me, but IM mean? it seems sick when I think about it now. Not to mention she does all this after saying something disrespectful and hurtful towards me, followed by a barrage of hurtful things.How am I the bad guy? I helped her all day for what, to recieve this? Shouldnt I be the one hanging up on her, not the one getting hung up on?
I think I am too much of a giver and too nice to her and i think it hurts me. I've had that problem in the past and here it is again. That should be one of the things I am most appreciative with about myself and sadly I am not, cuz I feel that I am setting myself up to be taken advantage of, and in the end I just recieve unhappiness becuase of it. I always forgive her without question for whatever she does. When she avoids me I sit here wondering why in the world am I laying here waiting and wishing to hear from her, when she likes to hurt me, and when right now she is having fun doing something to keep her mind off stuff not really caring how horrible she made me feel. I am soooo nice to her almost 24-7 and do almost every thing for her, and she reguarly snaps on me and hurts and abuses me from her anger. I dont deserve it, if any one of us deserves to be in this spot it should be her - not that I want her to - but it is just not fair for me to feel this way when she even tells me I dont deserve it. it makes me hate my life and wonder why I deserve this.It makes me debate if I should leave this relationship because I truely feel I dont deserve this, but I do not want to do that. Not only one I be losing my GF, but I would be losing my best friend. I lost contact with pretty much all my good friends in the world as I just moved out of state and cant bear with losing my only close friend left.
I dont even think its worth trying to talk to her about any of this anymore. We've had so many talks about this and things get better for a day or 2, then back to this again. No matter what I do it always ends up with her becoming mad at me because, as I said earlier, she is the type of person who likes to avoid things when upset and get her mind on something else, and I am the type of person who is miserable until things are back to normal. When I feel like that, I desperately need her to snap back in to her normal personality because she is the only person who will make me feel better again. ****** when me and her are having problems I swear that is the only time I am not happy. So I always end up trying to talk to her, and it makes her even madder at me because it dont let her ignore things. Nowdays her avoiding me is more of a habit though. Sometimes I can find her online but as I said if I try talking it is most likely going to turn in to a fight. So all I can do is wait until shes ready. At times I feel like this is "her" relationship not "our" relationship. She has all the control. If I tried what she did, id be "punished".
So my only choice is to be quiet and suffer or else fight. I cant even force myself to eat when shes upset with me and it hurts so much I can hardly take the pain and cant wait for it to end and minutes seem like hours. On top of that, nowdays she typically avoids me from at a minumum 1-2 hours, to a maximum of not hearing from her till the next day (hopefully). This is a big problem in our relationship considering when shes not mad at me we normally spend most of the day in contact with eachother. And its not the seperation that is causing the problem for me - its the circumstances. If we parted on good terms I would be fine - knowing shes upset with me I am miserable. Theres nothing I can do besides give up on her which I refuse to do
When shes mad she gets controlling and gets madder no matter what I do. As I said I have no control over this relationship. Even if I am just upset and crying I am not allowed to do that she gets madder and tells me to stop or shes gona hang up. What else am I supposed to do when shes abusing and hurting me? Not even cry? I cant act like things that hurt this much dont bother me, thats like sticking ur hand in a fire and trying to act like it dont hurt. It is either let her hear me n her get mad or hang up, which I am scared to do cuz the one time EVER that I hung up on her I never heard the end of it and she repeatedly told me that was the worst thing I have ever done to her. But it is a regular thing for me to get hung up on. There in a double standard on nearly everything when it comes to this type of thing
I swear I feel like if she gets mad at me, she gets so out of control that, if I do something that she doesnt like, shes gona punish me for it, her punishment = ignoring me. Thats the single thing she can do to hurt me most and she knows it, as I have told her many times. She is allowed to get away with what i feel is complete abuse, but if I raise my tone, if I feel bad about what she does to me, if i cry and she dont want me to - if i mention the wrongdoings I feel shes done to me -im gona be punished. How come she is allowed to get away with complete abuse, and I'm being punished for raising my voice in response to being yelled at? Its not even like I said anything bad, and if someone is yelling at you, you naturally start talking just as loud as they do. It's like im the one thats supposed to be wrong for things she is responsible for, and being hurt and abused more for the abuse that she did.
I understand its hard for people to change so im questioning if its even worth trying to talk to her about it anymore. I dont feel like theres anything else I can do. It hurts so bad to feel like this for hours almost every day or every other day, but it would hurt me so much more to lose my best friend. what else COULD i do? What else SHOULD i do? Maybe I should just be strong and learn to live with it. I ask myself why can I not even be allowed speak up when something bothers me? the fact that god feels I dont even deserve to defend myself in life it shatters my self esteem. Is there something I'm missing where im doing something to deserve what I get? I need honesty badly right now. Should I really regret raising my voice and throwing a mic with all the things she did?
