I hope someone can give me some advice on this huge problem I've just encountered. My husband of eight years just came back to me after a two months separation. He said he wanted to work things out because he realizes after being gone how much he loves me. He swore he didn't sleep with any females while he was gone. Everything was good the first three days until the fourth day when I woke up with pain in my pelvic area, I got up at 4 am to research my symptoms. I figured it out and scheduled a doctor's appointment right away. I'll save myself more embarassment by not being too detailed about the disease. So that is how I found out last week that he slept with two females in the short two month time that he was away. Make a long story short, I want to make things work with him. I've never been unfaithful to him. He tried explaining things as if we weren't together therefore technically he didn't cheat BUT we were still married!!!! I feel so much anger. To make things worse this girl was eight years younger than me, making me feel and unatractive. My main problem is this...... I can't get so many questions about the affair that I have out of my head. I want to know if he enjoyed sex with her, how it started, and so many other things. Everytime I bring it up he gets mad at me. He tells me that I'm not trying to make things better, I only want to torture him with my stupid questions. I do want to make things better, but I don't know how to get rid of these feelings and questions. I really am not trying to fight. These questions run through my mind all day and when I finally ask I do it in a civil way, I don't lash out. I feel I need to know these things, he feels it's not going to help to tell me. I feel so confused. This isn't the first time he's done this to me either. We separated two years ago for six months and he lived with another female the entire time. We don't have the money for marriage couseling right now, we can hardly pay our mortgage. I called catholic charities and there's a waiting list to get in for the free counseling. My only other hope is getting accepted for public assistance. Can someone please tell me weather my questions and feelings are typical?

Quick answer: yes. They are VERY typical. I suggest getting your hands on a copy of "Surviving an Affair". It help you understand what you, and your H, are going through at this point in time.

Chiquis,
First of all, welcome to MBs and I am SO sorry for what you are going through. You didn't go into detail about your physical condition, but I would gather that you may have an STD. Wayward spouses say many things that are ridiculous and irrational when they are in the fog. My DDay was 14 months ago and some of the BS he was slinging then is still coming back to haunt him.

I guess what comes to my mind is why would you want to stay with him after the second time? My H had two affairs in a short period of time but since he has come back to me he has been faithful and remorseful. I just hope you are doing the right thing. When my H was in the fog he was very defensive about his actions and didn't want to talk. Sounds kind of like your H. We had to get to the point where he would talk. I gave him time because I needed time for it not to be so close to the surface. When I was strong enough, I finally confronted him in a non-threatening way and just discussed it. I promised him I would listen and I wouldn't get too upset, but that I needed to know the details. I also told him that if I did get upset that I needed him to help me through it.

Our separation was due to a relocation 1000 miles from where we had lived all our lives. I moved there because of work and he stayed back to fix up our house to get it ready to put it on the market. We were separated by circumstances for four months, although we were able to see each other three long weekends while we were separated. He had two affairs and lied the whole time. He had an EA with one of the OW and tried to continue the A when he moved here. So, I sympathize with you. When I first found out, I was devastated. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. Now, 14 months after DDay, I am much stronger. Yesterday I found out one of the OW was texting him and he erased it because he didn't want me to be upset. I told him that I was sick and tired of not being considered and that he either maintained strict NC or he needed to get out. I am tired of being the only one giving 100% to this marriage and I told him so. He said he took care of it and she won't be calling again. But he told me the same thing over a year ago and obviously she didn't get the hint. I did a dumb thing and called her to tell her to stop calling my H. She hung up on me when she heard who it was. Imagine that. I called back and left a nice VM and told her in no uncertain terms not to call him again and to earase his number from her phone. He also texted her and told her how wrong he was to text and how he now realized how much it hurt me, that he loved me and he is happy here and she should never contact him again. FINALLY. I think after much drilling it in, he finally understands. It took a long time for him to understand after me telling him numerous times that his affairs devastated and nearly destroyed me and he never once stopped to think about ME.

There is hope for you, but you have to help him to understand and he truly has to understand and want to rebuild your relationship. He has to swear to protect your marriage. We had to rehearse time and again what he would say if someone came on to him or tried to seduce him. And he had to be the protector of our marriage. Your husband has to do the same. I finally told mine that if he couldn't do this for me, he needed to go. I am that much stronger now. I love my H and don't want to be without him, but if he can't commit soley to our marriage and to protecting my heart and our vows every day from this day forward I don't want to be with him. Once he knew that I was serious about leaving, I think he woke up. I don't know if there is a quick fix to any of this. I have been in recovery for 14+ months. Some days it's two steps forward and one back. Other days it's one step forward and twelve back. But first and foremost, tell him if he isn't ready to stay for good and FAITHFULLY, he needs to hit the road for good. And MAKE HIM GET TESTED for STDs....regardless of what your doctor has told you about your condition. He may be a carrier for something else. Besides, it's pretty uncomfortable for men to go through STD tests and I felt no compassion for him when he told me the discomfort that he felt with one of the tests. Can't compare to the shattered heart that you or I have, but it's a start. If they had to go through that every day for a year it couldn't compare to the pain and misery of what we have gone through and continue to go through every day.

My heart goes out to you. I pray for your recovery and that God gives you the strength to make it through each and every day. Take care and be blessed.

SS

He needs to answer your questions openly and honestly, and WILLINGLY. That is the only way to recover the marriage. If he refuses, see a marriage counselor.

I hope you also got tested for HIV. Sounds like his affair partners were kind of skanky.