Well, I'm getting close to the day I make a break. This is my story. A few months ago, I started struggling with my feelings towards my husband...I realized that I wasn't happy and felt I didn't love him, that I wanted to be somewhere else. I spent a couple of months trying to get things sorted out...is it a woman's mid-life crises, finally buying the house in the country, now what, or what else could it be? I finally had taken some advice and seen a counselor after spending the weekend writing down all the thoughts in my mind of what my life has been for the past 14 years. After listening to me for a while, he gave me the advice to go somewhere quiet and go over everything. A lot of what I wrote were all the red flags of an abuser. Even though he hasn't roughed me up for a while (since I made it clear if he ever hit me, I'd leave), there was a lot of isolation and emotional abuse... obsessiveness... getting me to move to another state...etc. I also met with a pastor and gave him a lot of details of my husband's past, and he told me sometimes you need to chose between an evil and a real evil and I knew what he meant. He told me for my 11 y.o. daughter's sake, I needed to get out. As I try to get ready to leave, it has been really hard leaving a double-life...playing like everything is cool, and covering my bases so he doesn't find out. I have an advocate who is going to help me get the Order for Protection that I will need (but have many other protections in place)...he made it very clear he will kill me if I leave, or make my life a living **** (which is a bit more optimistic...at least I'm alive in that scenerio)...so, on the last day of school, I'll pack up, file for protection, grab the kids, and hide out until he hopefully cools down.

I don't believe I ever loved him, that I was manipulated into marriage...now, this past weekend, I found letters from 14-17 y.o. girls to him while he was 27-28y.o....in the letters, they obviously were having relations and he was trying to convince them to move to Texas and marry him. The mothers of his other 2 kids were 16 when he was 20 and 28. I can't believe he fell for an old 25 y.o. like me! The past couple of months have been a real eye opener. We have an 11 y.o. and a 5 y.o. son...I feel so guilty for doing this and feel like I'm going to destroy my kids' lives and his...it was my bad decision that I should live with, but I can't stay married to him anymore.

((Wen))

Good luck on your journey. It sounds like you've thought this out carefully and have all your ducks in a row. Good for you.

In support,

JinGA

Thanks,

The one thing I thought about is the amount of time I've spent in the decision process...at least 60 days. I wish I would have spent 10% of that time deciding whether or not to marry him, and I would hope I would have decided against it...but I do have 2 wonderful children.

So, if I ever think about marriage again, I've resolved not to give a quick answer, but to make him wait 6 days for it....so I can do some soul searching to make sure it is really what I want. Sounds silly, I know, but if it was to be a yes, it would be a yes on day 6 anyways....

He feel for a 25 year old like you? What's 25 old? Compared to him being with teenager's illegally? Jeeze. What do you mean you are waiting for the last day of school to leave this guy? Do you have an advocate that's listening to you talk like this, is she helping you? If so she's likely tellling you to be very, very careful, it's when you leave that it's the most dangerous. What do you mean by "hiding out?"

Why do you feel guilty for taking your kids away from a horrible situation? From abuse? Why do you feel guilt, he DID THIS to HIMSELF. You aren't going to destroy your kids lives. You made a poor choice, life will go on for you and your children. You'll rebuild your life, but likely you'll need lots of support - friends, family, church, counselors.

You don't even need one thought about remarrying right now. And six days isn't enough time to decide about marriage for goodness sake. You'll need to have some time to do some serious healing, to build your self esteem, to figure out who you are without a man - before even one date.

Life works out in the end. You'll make it. Get some help please though.

yes, I've been seeing a counselor and talking to supportive people...fortunately, I have a very decent job and am highly educated...so my self-esteem over the past few months has been being re-built...esp. after I was getting things figured out...tho' I do hit times when I do feel very little hope and get very down at what the worse that could happen...esp. since I don't want to be even near him anymore. Fortunately, he got a job last week that is makng him work long hours, so my time with him is limited, which is nice. But, of course, he is already having "issues", like he always has, so he might end up being fired again or quitting before I leave...but I do have alternate plans in case that happens. I'd like to be out right now, but my lease doesn't start until June 1st and I want the place to be stocked with food and stuff, even if we don't have furniture...cuz' I do not know how this will go down when he finds out...yes, I'm scared and terrified...but all I can do is the best I can to get out and stay out safely...

You can get cheap furniture at a thrift store to start with, heck I had nothing but a matress on the floor and a beanbag chair when I left my husband. I bought plastic silverware. My boy wasn't even one though so he won't remember that. Your kids are older. What is your counselor saying about this? How do you plan to leave and what contact will you have with him? Sounds like your advocate really needs to help you with a plan, and a backup for safety, a shelter to go to just in case you get scared. I dont' know your husband, only you do. But people can get hurt planning what you are planning. Taking children away and leaving. I called the police when I left and I'll admit I half regret that, it was a nightmare, they have too many cases of DV, it's on his record so he has a hard time getting a job - and if he doesn't have one there's no child support, which I don't really need anyways but you'll appreciate some financial help. I'd hate to say don't get a restraining order unless you feel you really have to, your advocate can help more with that. But involving the government adds a new can of worms to an already bad situation. If you can quietly leave and you feel safe I'd personally suggest that having been through what I've been through. - yet our situations could be completely different. I wanted my boy to have a father and once one calls the "system" they start making decisions for you, almost treating a victim like they have no brain. So just be careful about the "help" you ask for. It has nothing to do with education or good jobs, it's true those of us women who make more and are more educated think we are above "this" and perhaps it's more shocking to be in a horrible marriage with such abuse. Maybe we try to overthink it more then those who don't think as much as us. Life goes on though, you'll pick up the pieces one by one. One step at a time you'll rebuild your life. It'll be different, you'll be a single mom - you'll want to go back at times - you'll need lots of support to get through this if this is really what you are going to do. You need to know all of your options and be careful please.

I've thought about the advice on whether or not to involve the system...I think I will go ahead, as he made it very clear that he didn't even know what he would be capable of...I'd rather have a lot of safeguards in place. He already has an extensive criminal history and I'm not going to seek any child support...he's critical of the other mom for getting it from him, and I know by himself, he will have a hard time paying on that one. When I ran the numbers, I calculated that financially, I'm much better off without him...which was quite surprising. He got fired from his new job yesterday for being hostile to a co-worker. He can't understand why the boss blamed him! wow, he is really blind to the person he is. He lost his previous job for making a comment about putting a target on a guy's head, and the job before that, he was suspended for telling this guy who was missing a couple of teeth that he should have the rest of his teeth kicked in. The comments he makes to me about how he could knock me out cold if he wanted to and how he could snap my neck...etc, etc...there is no chance I will ever want to go back! I finally told one of my brothers yesterday and he told me how he has worried for my safety for years after seeing the way I was treated by him....
Now, with no job, I'll have to just leave with the clothes I have on I guess...but oh,well, at least I'll be free soon...