Just wanted to let everyone know that my WW threw in the towel - we are done.

She will be filing this week - it hurts, but I will be ok - we did not have a good marriage, and I cannot change her thoughts about working on the marriage.

I could drag my feet, but I do not want to prolong the pain anymore - it is time to move on.

Thanks for all your guidance and advice - it may a very hard time slightly more bearable.

NW74

So what else is going on? You went from "in for the long haul" to "we are done" pretty quickly.

NW74,

If she files this week, I would be surprised, unless you are putting pressure on her to make up her mind.

She may be different, but saying it is time for divorce is nothing new from a WS who has been confronted.

As for changing her thoughts about working on the marriage....You haven't given Plan A enough time to say it won't work. Plan A is not about working on the marriage, it is about saving it so you can work on it in recovery. That's the time to work on things.

Plan A is about working on you. It is about NOT getting anything in the way of promises from her or having your own ENs met. It is about ignoring the fog-speak alien babble blah, blah, blah....

It's about hearing her say ILYBINILY and saying "What would you like for dinner?" instead of responding to it. It is about listening to her say things that cut deeper than any knife and rip at your heart and responding with only compassion and love.

Dr Harley even suggests that the window of opportunity to recover the marriage can last up to two years AFTER a divorce. It is only you that can close that window before then.

BTW, don't agree to leave the house yourself and don't simply agree to DS leaving with her. If she wants out, let her go, but you don't have to make it easy for her to run to OM and certainly don't want DS exposed to him.

Mark

I will clarify - I am in it for the long haul - unfortunately, she threw in the towel - she will be filing this week - one person can try to fix a marriage, but it takes two to be married, and she does not want to be - and it is not to be with the OM - it is to live alone. She already knows nothing will happen with him.

NW74

Friend, you better rethink that it is not to be with the OM, and that she just wants to live alone. That is what they ALL say. That is a hallmark of the WS.

If you have thought this through and really wish to not prolong the pain... and recovery involves a lot of it... I will wish you well and hope that you are able to get through the divorce process pretty well.
Although your wifes threats are typical, I think that you are making a healthy decision so long as it is well thought out.
Best of luck to you and from someone one the other side of the coin... things do get better and you will meet someone that repects and cares for you.

MEDC

Get a good MEAN attorney and don't cave in lest you wish to relegate yourself to a every other weekend father to your 2 year old. IF you acquiesce to an easy quickie divorce and don't put up any fight you will likely NEVER get the divorce custody order modified.

If she truly wants to live alone (which like Believer, I highly doubt) then the consequences of a very public and costly divorce/custody fight might just get her to reconsider. Just don't make making the WRONG decision for your family an easy alternative.

Further, a good fight, even if you lose, will forever document to your young child that you tried and that it wasn't your fault. Otherwise, in time, your then XW can spin the story about what really happened and your child will grow up completely confused about the truth of his life.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

NW,

Ws' throw all kinds of things, towels, $$, pets, people, their values, morals, cars.... yep, they have little regard for anything or anyone.

So don't let that be your decision maker.

Get your mind and heart in sync, complete your plans, get your finances and support group in order, move forward and kick up dust for the WS when you can.

Confusing a WS is a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Leaving a light for your real spouse to see is also a good thing.

Learn how to communicate with your W vs the WS.

L.

My experience.
My WH came home in Feb. False recovery apparent within about 2 weeks. Within a month, WH was seeing OW AGAIN. He stood right in front of me and said he wanted a divorce. He couldn't do it anymore, he didn't want to be married.
He left, moved in with OW. He emailed May 5, he wanted his family back, and has been taking the proper steps since.

I'm just showing you that my WS SAID "I want a divorce.", with very poor follow through toward that end...

Mr.Wondering is giving you some great advice. Don't give in if she files, get a good lawyer, and fight for your rights.

I will tell you what I told my now EX WW and suggest you do the same now.

"R, you can have a divorce but know this up front I will not stand by and be an every other weekend dad to our son and I will not stand by and watch some losing, POS, OM see our son more than I do." She said; "What do you mean by that?" I said, "I think you know full well what I mean". She said "Ain't no judge in this country going to take my son from me for what I have done". Fast forward to August 31, 2006 and she is an EVERY other weekend mom.

Listen to Mr. W and don't make this easy. She will want to pretend that you can be friends after all of this. You cannot. Only if she ever truly gets the devestation she has created and is humbled by it will there be hope of this. Protect that son and yourself and leave WW to life.

NW74,

Well, I think the rest of the board has spoken. As I was trying to tell you last night, ALL WSs say and do the same things. Her saying she is filing is right from the script. Even if she does file this week, it does not mean the end of your M...Unless that is what YOU want it to mean.

She has made a choice. You have the option of making a different choice.

You are correct; no recovery can happen unless she participates, but she will not participate as long as she is a WS. That is what Plan A is for, to show the WS what M can be if they return to being a real S.

I can tell you from my own experience that at the two month mark there were days I wanted to kill my W. By then she had committed, at least in theory, to recovery, but it wasn't until around eight months that I actually saw any signs of it. I did get glimmers of hope now and then, but even now feel that she still has an attitude of entitlement that drives me nuts at times.

Mark

Hi NW,

The others have already said it, but I'll tell you what my WS said and it sounded very similar. She went to an attourney soon after the A started, as did I when D day arrived days after she had the A. She's said everything from divorce to loving me deeply since then. When they say roller coaster ride, they aren't kidding. I've seen similar in the span of 2 days, or over weeks. When they're in withdrawl from seeing the OP, they think they have to leave the marriage so they can work harder to get the OP back, or find someone else, or who knows what they're after. They are confused and say everything.

What's going on in their mind is a big mess, think of a horribly messy room, that's what's in their mind. On the one hand, your WS wants to be married and with you as long as you don't do any anger or demands, no love busting, and trying to meet their ENs. On the other hand, they want to be with the OP for the same reason, but they're not getting all their ENs, and there's often times big problems they haven't thought about that they've avoided thinking about with that OP. The WS also doesn't want to be with either you or the OP for much the same reasons. It's a huge battle going on in their head, a confusing battle that leaves their mind like a messy room.

Continue to put in talk time, find and fulfill the ENs, and ignore the WS fog. The OP if he's still around will be getting fog talk too at some level as she starts to come back to her senses. For sure, let your WS do all the work and thinking it through. Confused people take a lot longer to do things because there's so much mess to clean up in their head. Let her take all the time she needs to figure it out. She still loves you, or she'd have moved out D-day.

God bless,
CS

NW74,

Way back when I first came here to the halls of MB , some wise PRO (dare I say pro?) told me "DO NOTHING RASH IN THE FIRST 3 MONTHS!!!"

My friend your 2nd Dday was just over 1 month ago!! This is just a blink of an eye on this roller coaster.

And speaking of the roller coaster, you are hitting the bottom of the track, feeling exceptionally blue right now and giving it up. Just wait a couple days, and you will be wanting to fight for the M again. At least fight for it for the child.

I believe you are giving up the fight wwwaaaaayyyyy to soon.

Plus on your sig line you show NC since 04/30??? You sure about that?

""and it is not to be with the OM - it is to live alone."" And you sure about that??

She is also on a rollercoaster and you can not let her make any rash decision either for at least 3 months.

IMHO

kirk

All WS's say stuff like this. And, while she would desperately like for you to believe that she's not moving out to be with OM, she is. She wants to believe it herself. Probably she does. But she's wrong.

It's up to you. You said it was a bad marriage before, but you have a son, right? Like krusht said, it's awfully early to throw in the towel.