I gave WH a few rules the other day for while he was still living in my house. Though he said he would, he has so far obeyed exactly 0 of them. He is planning to leave July 1. The main things I want are (a) let me know what time he's coming home and to call if it is going to be different; and (b) stop treating me like the OW by not saying things like "it's not fair to her". So far, he has not come home even close to when he says he will and he hasn't called. He has also said I could call him on his cell any time - even promised to have it on him turned on, yet today when I called just to find the sprinkler, the phone was ignored. I left 3 voice messages over the course of 2 hours, then it was shut off. Eventually, he did call back and (of course) lied about it. I know he was with OW. He also said he'd be back at 6 and it is now 7. I know he is STILL with OW. I can't take this until July.

What can I say, and how can I phrase it to get him to show me some respect. He knows I am hurting. He's seen me cry and, at least until Friday when OW moved out on OWH, he was saying that he wanted to try to ease the pain as much as possible. I have since found out that he is a pathological liar, so I know this isn't true. But there must be some civil way I can ask him to cut me some slack and stop treating me like this.

asking ain't getting



you cannot control him

the phrasing won't matter

You can ask all you want...and the point of a request is that the other person has the ability to say, "no". Apparently you asked your WH for those two things, and his actions said, "no". No matter how you "phrase it" you can not get him to call you if he's going to be late or stop treating you like you are the OW "because it's not fair to HER."

SOOOOOO...I suggest that you set a boundary FOR YOU. You can not control him--he will do what he will do--but you CAN control what you will and will not accept in your life. If he says he's going to be home at 6pm and he says he'll call if he's going to be late...yet it's 7pm and no phone call, I personally say, "Cool. He decided to treat me without respect and I do not accept that in my life. Therefore, I am locking the door." You have options such as: he either calls or shows up within 1/2 hour of when he says he does, or I lock down the house and don't let him in that night -OR- I go to my room, lock my door, and do not interact with him that night, -OR- I take the kids and go to my mom's for the night... You get the drift, right?

You do not have to choose to accept his disrespectful treatment, but you can not stop HIM from acting disrespectfully. Get it??

Soooo...wanna brainstorm your ideas on what your boundaries will be??



--CJ

Can't lock the house - lawyer already warned me about that.

I could not interact with him, but that's what he wants.

I'm open to ideas. I seem to have run out.

Tabby, what in the world are you thinking? Whyever in the world does it matter what time he gets home and WHY are you focusing on that?? Do you not think its a little disrespectful for him to screw another woman while married to you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


Of course you can lock the house! It is not illegal in any country to change your locks.

Tabby:


Exactly what did the lawyer say?

Larry

Here's my story:

As WS was crawling out of son's bedroom window (he was too ashamed to face his best friend and family), I was having dinner with that family. BF & wife came over with their little baby for dinner and to change the locks on my door'. I keep the deadbolt lock the same but changed the door knob and lock.

Legally, I wasn't supposed to do it. That is why I kept the deadbolt the same. But the police said if I needed t/d it t/b safe, then so be it. Safety came 1st.

When the WS was 'arrested for domestic violence', he had a 10 day RO from our home.

What I recommend is you up his move out date to a time convenient for you and inconvenient for him. He wants July, you say June 1st. He may balk or leave. As long as you can handle it, it may put pressure on the A.

JMHO,
L.

Well, we talked again and I explained that I am not asking this to check up on him, but just so that I don't freak out when I wake up in the middle of the night and he is not home. He knows I haven't slept in weeks and he keeps playing his sob story that he's trying to do this as nicely as possible. It has been a big help to talk with the OWH. I have come to see what a pathological liar WH is and frankly, I'm disgusted. He is still lying. OWH has asked me not to do anything drastic until he gets his papers signed tomorrow. He is also helping me with mine. I will bite my lip until WH signs mine and once it is done, I will let him have it. I don't think I want this man back anymore. It's bad enough to have the A, but the lying is too much. He's lying when he doesn't even have to lie.

Anyway, he did call today to say he wasn't coming home tonight. He lied about where he was staying - I know that the friend OW is staying with is out of town tonight. But somehow, I think I'll sleep better knowing he's not coming than hoping that he does.

I just can't believe I lived with this man for 17 years and didn't know how despicable he really is. It's one thing to stop loving someone and to cheat on them, but he doesn't have to rub it in my face and play me like a fool. I'm done with him. I want him out.