I've heard that usually within the first month of a relationship the thing that is going to break it up, down the road, reveals itself and it did in this case

Right from the very beginning of my 7 year relationship with my partner, I had reason to believe that he was still into his ex wife. There was something about the way he said her name, with near reverence, that clued me in.

In the beginning he told me that although she left him and moved in with another man 2 years before he wasn't actually divorced. He told me he didn't even know where she moved and therefore couldn't proceed with a divorce. It took me exactly one hour, by use of the internet and phone book to locate her. I presented him with the information (after being together for a year) and said well, now you can go ahead with your divorce. He told me it wasn't a priority.

We stayed together anyway even thought he wasn't promising me anything and I believed if his ex ever came back he would return to his first love. But, I still hoped that time would change things.

For our first two years there was a shadow over the relationship because even though this woman wasn't in the same room, or at that time even the same town, the bond between them was just palpable.

Then one day he informed me that his ex wife had come to his house to visit. I was uncomfortable with that and only later found out, by accident, that the visit started a series of "dates". In fact, she became more and more blatant in her visits, often late at night, which I discovered when dropping in at the same time.

He began to collect magazines, brochures, articles, various gifts for her in a pile by the door. When the pile was gone, I knew that they had seen each other and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it but leave. I left.

But, I loved him so much that I came back thinking that someday he would realize he just wanted to be with me. The way he justified the dinners out and the alone times together with her was to tell me he was doing it all for his children (they were 25 and 27 and out of the house). He said that he had to get close to his ex wife so he could get close to his children.

In fact, he told me, I have to be alone with her so she will open up to me and I can read her face, (for the kids) and later, "nothing and no one is coming between me getting as close to ______ as I can (for the kids) On 4 different occasions, twice in front of counselors I said, "choose me, or choose her, and he replied I choose her (for the kids)I still stayed.

She came back, she seduced him emotionally, he got infatuated and they both walked all over me in their rush to be alone with each other as much as they could.

Here I am today. Last night, I said I'm done, its over because even though he no longer sees the ex (she met someone else again) the fact that he spent 5 years of our 7 years together, still in love with this woman, is too much for me.

I don't want to "get over"it. I don't want him to have his cake, (the companionship of his ex wife) and eat it too (my slavish devotion).

I wasted 7 years of my life, got an ulcer, lost the best job of my life because i was such an emotional wreck from the rollar coaster. I have made a fool of myself all over this town having actually confronted the two of them at a restaurant where I caught them having a late night dinner. I did things where I was debased and humiliated in the name of making this relationship work

My conclusion is this: if you have even the remotest suspicion that the person you are getting involved with is still hung up on their ex, walk away without looking back.

This thing, this nightmare, wrecked my life in all kinds of ways and I believe that the ex wife was done with him until she heard he had gotten together with someone else. That made him just irresistable as she pulled out all the stops to seduce him (and he went willingly)

His love bank wasn't empty by the way. I knocked myself out in every conceivable way I could to please him. But, if someone is still in love with their ex, it doesn't matter what you do.

I'm done now, 7 years of trying to make a relationship work when they still love someone else is like shooting your foot off.

I think I could have tolerated two ex's getting together on occasion to talk about the kids, but it was the sneaking around behind my back and the statement over and over again of "I'm going to be alone with her and if you don't like it go find someone else"

K, welcome.

Your ex-boyfriend is a JERK of the first order. Sorry, it's true. You are well rid of him because he has acted in a very selfish manner for 5 years. Given his dishonorable behavior to you, I suspect he is not capable of the kind of care necessary to sustain a relationship long term.

BTW, I acted in a similar way once. I actually had the other girlfriend punch me in the nose! I'm glad I only wasted 2 years on that guy. He was charming, but not the type to have only one womnan.

“It is through being wounded that power grows and can, in the end, become tremendous”
Friedrich Nietzsche



“Courage consists in the power of self-recovery.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes


And my favorite of alltime:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" Joe to Mia in The Princess Diaries - Anne Hathaway is teh hottness


Never let anyone have power over you. Relationships should be partnerships.

Threadjacking--Gekko, don't you find Hemingway's motto just a little ironic?

When I was in college, I KNEW Hemingway and Fitzgerald were sick - just from reading their short stories. I knew nothing of their lives but, from their writings, I could tell they were SICK men.

But I loved F. Scott. And Zelda. She was nuts, but I adored her. And I have a love-hate relationship with Papa Hemingway. He's soooo testosterone intensive, yet, he's just not my cup of tea, literature wise.

Beware of the ex...

Even the friendship for the sake of the kids when there isn't anything romantic is an issue...

In my case, the ex was always real close with my third wife. It seemed unnatural to me but I didn't feel threatened. I thought I was being insecure. In fact, if anything I encouraged them for the sake of the kids.

Well, he later got arrested for computer aided solicitation of a minor. My wife was devastated. He then became so ill they put him on the street from prison and said he was too sick for them to care for him. He didn't post bond or anything, they just turned him loose.

My wife had to be at his side in the hospital day after day. Like a fool, I went there with her, stayed at her side, etc.

After he got out, their friendship became too invasive and when I mentioned it, I wsa told point blank, much like you that she would choose friendship with her ex over her marriage.

She hated him as a husband but they were best of friends outside of the romantic arena. She swears up and down to counselors even after we divorced that she doens't want him back, will never be with him, etc. And he is a jerk and walks all over her and she's left in tears regularly by his actions.

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