Hi all. Don't know what made me click over here tonight but I'm glad I did... think I will start lurking about again...
A brief update for any who are interested.
Lostsheep has discovered a recovery group that is based on Biblical principles and is really helping me get in my own face about my stuff... boundaries and what led me to cross them and what a piece of scum I was for the longest time, yet somehow still a loved child of God. Grace is beyond comprehension.
My divorce was final in March... when we signed the papers, H asked me over to have lunch and go over the paperwork... it was kind of strange but good - we were pleasant and then fought... and it was the fight that led me to be able to say all of the things he has deserved to hear from me, in person, for a very long time. I was able to share my remorse, AND, I shared with him that although divorcing was not what I wanted, not what I ever wanted, I understood that my behavior even up to recent months had been reflective of a completely different view... and that at the end of the day, the most respectful and loving thing I could do was sign the papers and let him go - after all, he had tried for three years, through DDays 1, 2, and 3... and I scoffed at his every attempt to make things better.
So, we are divorced, but getting along very well. Every now and again, I will check in with him - see if he is feeling any differently... he struggles with forgiveness and trust (big surprise! imagine that!), and he is happy to not be feeling emasculated at every turn. And who can blame him for that?!?!
We are both back at church - I am invloved in this recovery program, and he is meeting with a small group of other men... we have discussed and agreed that if we are both seeking God's will for our lives, if what he has for us is to be together again, we will be.
I have learned so much about myself since coming here. And, most importantly, I have been able to share with others things that I learned through all the 2x4s here.
In fact, recently, a friend who was in my circle of "tell me I'm not doing anything wrong because I want to do the same things" friends, came to me for advice. She was, I know, expecting to hear me say, "Your H is an a$$ who doesn't understand you and you should leave him for the other person." But what she heard instead was that she needed to get her relationship right with God, and she was going to have to take a hard look at herself, roll around in the sh!! of her own making for a while, see how ugly she had made her life through her choices - which would hurt and suck and be awful... BUT that what the other people in her life were feeling was much worse, and on the other side of all that was healing. She was irritated, but did comment that I was probably the only person from whom she could hear that message - as she knew I had been rolling in the same filth. One more thing I have to make ammends for -dragging others into the pit with me.
I have to work every day to not make stupid choices, to be disciplined. BUT - I don't do the "box" thing anymore. That was a big part of my getting involved with this recovery group - my way of saying out loud, "Hey - I've got lots of worms crawling around here... and some of them are really nasty... " I have realized that we all have "stuff" and it was, for me, my sense of needing to be "perfect" that kept me spinning around in the ick for so long... or rather my fear of failing to be so.
Anyhoo... this little sheep is learning much. I wish I could say I have saved my marriage - I have not. BUT, I have learned how to see what is going on with my choices... "self-actualized" is the word my shrink used I believe... and I have started making better choices, and noticing more quickly those that aren't as good, so I can correct more quickly.
I want to thank everyone here who chimed in on my thread from time to time... and especially those who delivered some serious 2x4s. I absolutely would be still diligently destroying myself had it not been for you all. And I am forever grateful.
Best,
Jennifer (a.k.a. lostsheep)
p.s. If I can figure out how to attach a link to my initial post I will, but for now that is WAY over my technologically-challenged head! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
