I am former unfaithful husband who cheated on my wife for an extended period of time four years ago. We have tried to move forward since then, and it has often been a bumpy road, but everything has been OK for awhile and getting better all the time.

We recently went to a 25-year class reunion and, among other people, I spoke with a couple of women who I had known. My wife wife was concerned that I was paying too much attention to one of these women and simultaneously ignoring her and became difficult. I acknowledge that my past actions are responsible for this reaction from her, and rather than remain in an environment that was tense for both of us suggested we leave.

A few days later, a male friend asked why we left two hours early and I responded with the following, not expecting anyone but he would ever see it (name have been excised):

<< Hey XXXX,

Yeah, well ... DDDD took one look at AAAA and CCCC and then started to have a meltdown. I was lucky to stay there there as late as 10 as it was. Might have made it to 11 if they were not collectively fairly stunning, but they were, so that was that.

Tell DDDD I am going to move to [where she lives], convert to [another religion] so I can take more than one wife, and marry her and CCCC. Then, I will work as a mercenary or something in order to maintain a decent household for us.

Just kidding. Don't tell her that. Just send me her email address and I'll write her myself.

Thanks, brother. Good seeing you, too, as always.

Best,


SSSS >>

I never followed up with either of the women, believing even social contact would be inappropriate considering my history. My wife found the message, however, was very hurt by it, and says it alone is an example of betrayal. Now, the life we were rebuilding seems shattered, and she is pretty distraught and demanding, amdist an unending stream of threats and insults, a divorce. I obviously made a terrible mistake and wanted to get some feedback from others on how they thought I/we should proceed at this point.

You want to explain to me how ignoring her at your reunion and then sending this backbiting, b*tchy little email to your girlfriend shows caring to your wife? What a shameful slap in her face. You owe her an apology.

I would then concentrate on finding ways to show her that you cherish and care for her, because your behavior here shows the exact opposite.

Sugar coat this all you want. You were fishing. Of course you wanted AAAA and CCCC to know this.

Sorry dude but I just don't buy it and certainly understand why your W would want a divorce. I know I would.

You didnt think your wife "would see it" so that made it ok??

Not only was your email out of line, your post demonstrates a fundamental lack of respect for your wife. "she is difficult" and "having a meltdown" etc....

IF you were protecting your wife and your marriage, perhaps a more appropriate response might have been "We left because my wife was uncomfortable and I was concerned for her"

Frankly, after reading your post, if I were your wife, Id divorce your sorry A$$ in a heartbeat and find a real man.

And your wife is correct, this email was a grievous betrayal. To gossip about your own wife is a stab in the back. This was not a "mistake," but a demonstration of your true attitude towards her, which is thoughtless, unloving and uncaring. NOW SHE KNOWS.

Oh no, this is no "mistake." This is a REVELATION.

So, she is right to consider divorce. Most women would not be attracted to a man who acted so shabby towards them and would not settle for crumbs. Especially one who had an affair in the past. There are too many good men out there who will treat a woman decently to settle for crumbs.

Got to be honest boss.....considering everything in it context, I am afraid that you are kind of screwed here. This little email probably feels like another full on affair to your scarred wife.

Sorry to be so grim.

LM

Ditto Melody Lane's remarks!

Now that that feedback is taken care of: welcome! You are in a good place to find solutions on actions you should take.

First, study all of the basic concepts on this web site, purchase Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and prepare for marriage coaching with Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers.

Above all, avoid inventorying all the ways your wife is not meeting your needs. Too many wayward or "former"ly wayward wannabees (you'll find that the "former" identifier is hard-earned here) focus on any number of excuses for not focusing on themselves. The way the "former" is earned most is when the wayward loses all sense of "entitlement" - ESPECIALLY at the expense of the betrayed spouse.

I just changed my signature line because your post inspired me to remember just what it was that my husband did that turned our marriage around. Yes, I've worked hard to meet his needs, but he's been the wayward - and he matured during our time with the Harleys and here at marriagebuilders to the point where he not only has no complaints, but he frequently expresses appreciation for little things and big things.

Women,

As a man, be careful reading this guy. Don't let him play your heart strings. He is a predator. No man writes a message like that without a purpose. This guy is going through an intermediary hoping he can see if these women have any interest before he commits. "fairly stunning"?

I agree with Melody. What are you doing?

When there is other people around in this type of environment, you gotta be proud of your wife. These are old acquantences of your that deserve to see the woman you've chosen to love, you don't park her in a chair and go check out the chicks...


What's your goal here? Did you write this whole email to your friend with the intention of reconnecting with one of these women?

I don't get the feeling that you learned much from your past infidelity, and that's unfortunate.

He has a wayward mind; that comes through loud and clear.

Piojitos is so totally on the mark. This guy was trolling, trying to see who snapped up the bait and spinning it as "innocent" and his wife as being "demanding and needy".

Give me a freaking break.

Justkim:

Interesting post. So if you found out your husband broke NC (in place since 5/6 correct?)...would you divorce his a$$? Just curious to know.

Lem

Lemon

Breaking NC? dunno. Depends on the circumstances. Fundamental lack of respect for me? yeah.

But, thanks for asking.

Marriage is a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY care.

The email was a betrayal whether she saw it or not.

Considering your history (which YOU should be more aware of constantly than your wife) you need a PLAN to protect yourself from, well, yourself.

Dr. Harley just happens to have such a plan. Perhaps you should consider attending the Marriage Builders weekend conference this summer or, in the alternative, at least pick up AND READ some of the books available on this website.

This is YOUR problem...that you CAN fix.

Only YOU can prevent forest fires. Life doesn't have to be this hard...you can find all the love you could ever want with your very own wife in a MUTUALLY satisfying relationship of extraordinary care...if you just try.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

This is EXACTLY why I asked you this. Your WH having renewed contact with his OW would be the ultimate sign of Fundamenatl Disrespect to you and you are not certainly sure you would divorce him...yet in this case you are advising that the posters wife divorce him??????? Just trying to understand this.

I'll state it more cclearly for you. IF your WH emmailed his OW and just got in friendly contact, what would you do?

Lem

You should rename your thread to "telling message"

It says a lot about you. We are three years into recovery and if I found an email like that written by my FWH... after all the ****** we went through... it'd be over. Done. Finished. No questions asked. No explanation necessary. The email "tells" it all.

Well guys,

Maybe this clarifies why I have had such a tough time achieving recovery, this is my FWH.

Who

LemonMan, there is a fundamental difference here. Sometimes good ppl do allow themselves to get sucked into an affair and have a hard time quitting, hence contacts after D-Day. Is it disrespectful? Sure it is. But is it any more malicious than an alcoholic having a SLIP who is trying to quit? NO. In fact, it is pretty routine. If we divorced every WS who had contact after D-Day many good marriages on this forum would never have happened.

That is very different from this guy who is clearly on the HUNT for a new OW. This is not a SLIP related to an old affair, but an aggressive, deceitful, cruel troll for chicks. It is night and day.

Even so, if my H had contacted his OW after D-Day, he would be divorced today, because my personality could not tolerate that. But others here do not feel the same and there is nothing wrong with that.

What is the "F" for?

ML:

Well, I do understand what you are saying and see the difference...and actually have come around a slight bit on this issue, but I still see the "slip ups" used as excuses for WH/WS....What would be your view on a WH who is "recovered" for 3 years and recontacts a Former OW? Would that be just a slip? At what point do we make people fully accountable? I think contact after D-day probably happens in 99% of all cases here, so that is not really anything new, but the wanton excuse for it still bothers me. Again, I do accept that what is right for me may not be right for someone else.

Lem