After years of trying to not be on this forum, here I am. I started reading and writing on this site years ago when we were trying to recover from my H's affair. Obviously we never recovered and now I'm trying to move on.

Incredibly, I find I'm still struggling with the letting go process. With all that has happened I should be so over him but I'm not. I'm frustrated with myself that I still care so much. He was repeatedly unfaithful and so disrespectful yet here I am - still sad that it didn't work out.

XH is intelligent, good looking, charming and successful and he's always had such a hold over me. I know that our relationship was a very unhealthy one. My tendency is towards co-dependency and I am continually striving to have clear boundaries.

So, I want to move on. It's way past time for that. I just need some help getting there. Did any of you struggle with feelings for your ex-spouse and how did you get past them? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Perhaps what might work for you is to accept your feelings for your XH, and still move on. Accept that you still have feelings for him and that those feelings may never go away. Accept that you are still sad that things didn't work out and that you may always feel that sadness, to some degree.

Instead of trying to "get over" these feelings, can you allow yourself to feel this way, yet also allow yourself to move forward into the next stage of your life?

Just my 2 cents worth. I hope in some way that helps.

-Chris

Thanks Chris - That sounds reasonable. I guess to some extent that is what I'm trying to do. I feel like I'm going on with life. I just need to work on the part about accepting my feelings for him. In thinking about it, I guess I don't want to care because I feel stupid that I still do. Everyone else thinks I'm nuts to give two cents about him. But I really like your suggestion. Thanks!

I was married for 12 years to an active addict who treated me like crap - made my life miserable - caused a lot of anxiety in my life, etc., and I still give two cents about him - it's that simple. I spent a part of my life with him - so of course it's impossible to "turn off the switch".

But as your other response hit it - acknowledge those feelings and still begin to build your new life.

Leah,

I was married for almost 20 years and had 5 children with my XWH. For most of the 20 years he was a good husband. Then midlife crisis hit and he became a stranger to me. He started having A with a good friend of mine (now X friend), she was also married. He lied and started looking at porns and drinking heavily.

I tried hanging onto our marriage for 1 1/2 years. I had a very hard time letting go. There were times when I disliked him and then there were times when I loved him so much that I didn't want our marriage to end. I knew in my heart that I needed to let go and move on with my life but I was scared to death of being alone.

Then one day it all came to me, I realized that my husband was no longer the man that I fell in love with .....he's a stranger now. During the 1 1/2 year that he was running around, I was taking care of our children, I was taking care of our entire house hold issues, taking the children on vacation & visiting his family on my own. I was spending nights alone while he was out with MOW. It never occurred to me that I was already on my own doing my own thing. I also realized that I was setting bad examples for my daughters. I was being a weak woman who was sitting at home accepting her husband's affair and being his doormat.

When I finally moved out, I was more excited than scared. It’s satisfying knowing that I can take care of my children and myself.

I joined Divorce Care and made many friends. Remember, it's important to get support from others who have gone through or are going through similar situations as you. Being here at MB is a great start. Good Luck!

Hi Leah, Most of us who are BS's whose M's failed came to MB because our hearts were breaking. If you've just begun trying to move on, it will take time.

I think it actually takes longer to recover when you've been in an abusive relationship ~ and disrespect and repeated infidelity is abusive ~ because it damages our self-esteem so badly. For me, it was like I felt I needed my XH to come back clean, sober, and remorseful to undo the damage he'd done. Eventually, I realized that was never going to happen. It's taken a long time ~ he moved in with MOW 6 1/2 years ago and I finally ended contact, with the help of a restraining order 5 years ago ~ but I'm now truly over him.

Ironically, MOW left him, cleaning out his checking account as she left, and he's apologized to me several times saying he never meant to hurt me. He's also suffered the worst possible loss ~ the suicide death of his only son (also a great loss for me). I still feel sad about both of them, still miss the person I thought he was, but I'm no longer waiting for him to make me feel okay. I never thought I'd reach this point, but now, even clean and sober, I don't want him back.

I agree with Chris, accept your feelings for him as you move on. It means you are a loving person. You are also worthy of love from someone able to love you in return. Your XH sounds like he may only be able to love himself.

Truly,

Thanks. I will keep working toward that very thing.

Immovingon,

Some of what you write about I can really relate to. I, too, was fearful of being totally on my own and somewhere in this process I realized that I was taking care of everything on my own and doing just fine. My H was in and out a lot with his business travels and then had left me twice for other women. Meanwhile, I took care of the children and everything at home.

I appreciate your advice about getting a supportive group of people around you. I do have a lot of family support. I'm trying to find some other divorced folk to talk to. This would seem to be a great place to do that. It's nice to talk with those who understand where you are.

Letstry

You are right about the time factor. That is something I keep wanting to fast forward but I'm realizing that I need to be patient about things. I guess the end of our marriage was such a slow death. I've been alone a long time yet the finalization of the divorce is still pretty recent. It brings yet another step in the journey. Thanks for your encouragement.

Leah2be,
On the more practical “moving on” side of things, I would suggest making a few positive changes in your life. I have no idea what those changes would be. Just things that will make you happy that are new to you. For example: redecorate a room, take a fun class, go on a trip with a girlfriend, go to a show, host a theme party, join a yoga studio. Activities like this should give you pleasure and also divert your thoughts and energies away from your XH. Ideally, they will also provide you with new avenues for social interaction.

Curious,

Thanks for the great suggestions. I'm currently trying to plan a trip away with some friends while my girls are with their dad this summer. They're going on a three week trip to Europe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I thought I better come up with some happy diversions.

Most of the activities I'm involved with are all with women and or children. I'm involved at my church and volunteer a lot at my girl's schools too. So, I think I need to come up with ways of expanding my horizons. Thanks again.

Leah2be,

You just can't turn off your feelings and "get over him". OK?? I think the worst thing a BS can do is lie to themselves and say I don't love him/her anymore when they still do. It has taken me over 2 1/2 years to fall out of love with my X and occasionally I feel I am still in love with her. Not near to the extent that I was years ago but I still have feelings.

So here is my advice:

Don't date until you are over him and don't put a timetable on it. Being over him doesn't mean that you have completely forgotten about him but that you don't occupy yourself with thoughts about him.

There are tons of ways to meet people (keep it to female friends for now). I met some really good friends at my divorcecare group. I bike a lot and have lots of biking buddies.

Take up a rewarding hobby. Maybe work with kids? I coach youth soccer and football and love it. (And I am not into sports!). But I love working with the kids.

Go to church... you would be suprised how many people there care about you.

Dear Leah,

Two books helped me let go. They sound silly, but they gave me good perspective:

1) Avoiding Mr Wrong by Stephen Arterburn. Lists Mr Wrong's different types of personalities. When I saw bits of my x in Mr Wrong, I stopped asking the whys of what he did. I just understood that was his make-up because of his upbringing/background/mentality. We had different values. It is time to let go when your significant other undermines your values (infidelity was common in his family, not mine. so, infidelity was part and parcel of his life and he would continue to have affairs. faithfullness means old fashioned and confining. i can't change his views and I won't release my values). After reading this book, I stopped blaming x for what he did.

2) He's just not that into you - Greg Behrendt. I love this book! It is so sassy. I aint going to waste my pretty and pretend to be dumb to suit his needs. At one point during our separation, I was so insecure, I wore the wrong clothes and had too much make-up. Today, I am just me. And I am with people who accepts me as I am.

Remember, letting go is not an overnight process. You may always remember the good things about your marriage and feel sad, and that is ok. It means you appreciated your marriage. It gets less painful as time goes on.

All the best and keep us updated!