Hi there new to the forum and looking for some much needed advice to some unanwsered questions.

I'll make this short and to the point. In December 2006 I had found out that my wife of 3.5 years , now ex-wife was having an affair with her supervisor at work. I started to look into the length of the affair phone bills , card statements , etc. Gut feeling is what gave it away. Have been in this situation before with past relationships. She came home the night I knocked on his door , gave me the he is just a friend , I made a mistake , I'm sorry story. I tried for the next month to work on things I think she mite of to. I asked her to quit her job , and of course she didn't. Lies just kept piling up one on top another. She was given a trip to ST Thomas from her job which inculded her supervisor and not me. I begged her not to go but she did , said she desirved the trip because of her hard work on the job. I filed the week she came home , Feb 2. Four months later the divorce was final. I guess my question is the next day after the divorce she broke down and lost it , I mean really lost it crying , didn't want me to leave , I will love u forever , Love just don't go away , etc. Why now would she come to realize what is going on? She still is hang'n around his house , I now live down the street from him. She tell's me still were just friends , Does this have to do with there jobs? Did I make the mistake of never contacting her work? And will she stay with this clown? She has been seeing him through the whole divorce process. She is still trying to keep it a secret were just friends that hang out? Even denies That he has been at the house after I seen them go in together! Just very confused I still love her , don't understand how people can be so??????????? If this post is alittle confusing , forgive me it's my very first. Any input would be greatly appreciated Thanks.

Atrez let me give you a little heads up. Your W may very well love you but she is in what we call here lost in the fog. She is addicted to what the OM is making her feel. What way did your behavior contribute to the state of your M? You need to look into gettin Surviving an A and HNHN. They will be very helpful to you.

Sorry I forgot to add this part. Welcome to MB. Sorry you had to be here but in your sitch it is the best place to get the advice you need to fix the problem in your R.

atrez,

It sounds like you divorced, but only because that was the only way you could see to preserve your dignity. Is the divorce actually final or have you just "filed"?

I would move on and have no more contact with her. On the days where she is crying about how much she "loves" you, it might be that she is feeling insecure about their relationship.

Look around for someone that can love you and be faithful.

I know the faults that I contributed to the marriage, nothing that could not be worked out. Of course these faults did not come out untill after the fact. I worked tons of hours last year 70-80 hours a week to make are lives better , buy a new home , which i haven't even lived in for a year. For some reason deep down I just want the truth to why this happened. She told me last night that I was the greatest and deepest love she will ever know??? Wanted me to stay the night with her(sleep next to her). Right after she came from his house. The divorce is final. Have been go'n to the house for some leftover items. For some reason i think it mite be a cover up for his job , the man has no dignity in my eyes to steal another mans wife. I really thank u guy's for the advice it is well need!

Also A and HNHN what does this mean? I'm new so.

GO to discussion threads-emotional needs-acronyms, smilies, UBB codes

Thank u.

I guess this question needs to be asked & answered. What is it that you want? Do you want to be with your WexW or do you want her out of your life?. I am also guessing you do not have any kids. How long were you two M'ed?

3.5 years , no kid's. Was planning this year over the summer to have kid's. I think this is one of the things that hurts the most , was looking forward to it. This may sound alittle crazy but i do wish to be with her. And every time she tell's me what she has, I think maybe we will be together. But I think it mite be just smoke.

Ordered the book months ago , She laughed it off. Said thats not what was happening and the book was a joke.

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is still with this guy time and again. She has lied to you in the past and continues her little story. She seems to see you as a backup guy because the OM will probably never marry her. I hate to be harsh but do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to see what is happening? If she was truly determined to get you back would she still be hanging around and spending time with the man who she cheated with on you? You need to see things as they are and not as you wish them to be. She is still playing you as a fool.

atrez,

She most likely does love you. Her feeling for the other man are addiction. Pure and simple addiction like that to a drug. This is why she will come to you after being with him. She gets her drug, her cravings are stabilized, she feels 'normal' and her feeling for you are more clearly expressed.

The problem is that her cravings will only return and she'll end up next to him again.

She took a trip with another man while married to you. She refused to stop, even after you asked. For me, that would have been the last goodbye. Regardless of how messed up a person is, there are actions that I simply cannot overlook.

She has lied and continue to lie so that she can keep you on the hook.

You had no children, you are already divorced. I say let it be and walk away. I know this is easier said than done...

In my opinion you should notify their workplace of the details of thier affair regardless of what you do. Just on principle I believe the affair should be suffocated for the filth that it is, and this is the best way to get started.

Let's see - 3.5 years, no kids, already divorced, and you still have your house.

IMO, no need for "His Needs, Her Needs" (HNHN) or "Surviving An Affair" - unless you want to learn how to preserve your *next* M and make it flourish. As for this particular relationship? I suggest NC with that XW of yours. NC, period. No calls, no visits, no e-mail nothing more than what is absolutely required. You may also want to consider moving (selling or renting your current home) to avoid even seeing her or the OM by accident. Any "in-love" feelings that you might still have for her will fade and you'll see her more for who she really is.

There *is* someone out there for you, atrez, and your XW is likely NOT that person. Consider yourself lucky - you found this out very early into your M, not years later with children and communal property involved.

Is that supervisor married? If so, expose to his W - she needs to know who she's really married to.

atrez,

ManInMotion is right. You really should consider moving somewhere where you don't have to have the knife in your back twisted each time you see them.

There is nothing more to see, you know what they are up to.

Get away and start over. There are people out there you will love as much as you once loved her, just take your time.

Atrez,

I agree with ManInMotion. The divorce is done and you did not have children. Get the books and read. It is time to recover YOU! You need to heal so that when you do find the right person, you can have the discussions about how to have a successful relationship/marriage. Spend time with the one in the future learning how to protect your next marriage.

Best Wishes,

FTS

Atrez:

Yep.

No Contact.

Get off the roller coaster.

Might she come back?

Write her a Plan B letter and give her the terms that you would accept her back.

And then go into Plan B. You have already divorced, so the rest is up to her.

She may be a terrific woman. But she made a lousy wife.

LG

atrez:

In my opinion, your ex-wife is getting her rocks off working you. Yea, I know that sounds cruel, but what is the definition for cruel? How abour a f f a i r as one definition. So why is she working you? That one is easy, she wants to be wanted, simple as that. So long as you are willing to be manipulated she will do it.

Keep things simple. Your wife betrayed you. You divorced her. She says one thing and does another. What you gonna believe, what comes out of her mouth or what she does with her time and body? You deserve better than that.

Take MiM's advice, go dark, stay dark and go find a real women to warm up your heart. Yea, I know, she has her hooks in you, but you ought to be able to man up to the job, after all, you did divorce her.

Larry

Thank u all for the advice every bit helps.

Atrez,

Great advice on your thread. I don't think you're crazy for wanting to be with her. The real her, not the WW she remains, even after your divorce.

I fear divorcing too quickly promotes our fear we missed something...as your questions are signalling you to consider. Maybe not reconsider...just to get all your lessons.

Reasonable to me.

Now that you're here, you've read about Plan A...which includes exposure. You missed the opportunity to verify, expose...to live from truth. I think that's gotta eat at you.

You filed as a boundary enforcement...thing is, those are predetermined (not in crisis) and progressive. Maybe you're feeling you went from DDay to Divorce day in like 0 to 60?

I'm of the camp to get the books, and more books, and like MiM to go dark (Plan B) and use the time to get your lessons, choose your life...heal and grow.

Not find someone else to get wrecked over right away.

There's no rush. You mentioned past relationships...been on the infidelity road before...were your choices pretty much the same, each time? Or was this time different?

Were those relationships marriages?

Consider reading all of Harley's books...including Love Busters. When it was suggested right off the bat to consider your half of the marriage...this is key to having thriving relationships. I got that your response was nothing that couldn't be worked out...instead of identifying exactly what you're working on.

You matter. You're important. Don't short yourself...maybe you're now craving to learn how to act and not react?

LA