This may be a dumb question and maybe already posted on here somewhere, but I was wondering when is Plan A needed? Is it for any BS to do after DDay or is there a specific chain of events that need to occur first? Any input would be greatly appreciated...thanks!

BS (me) 30
WH 33
DS 7
DS 2
married 7-97
Dday (EA) 1-07

jlash,

Well, I'll jump in here to get the ball rolling.

Plan A is to be used when the BS realizes there is a problem with a WS and wants that WS to become attracted to the BS again, maybe like it was when you both first met. It can be before Dday and I don't think there is any chain of events.

You just need to decide to do the plan A and then do it.

I am sure there will be others along to add to this.

kirk

My struggle is that we had that initial "fix it now before it gets any further" and we were on the high part of the roller coaster and now, it seems that we are falling into a low part where I am frustrated because she hasn't contacted him and I wish she would so I could see how he reacts (is this weird?). He has had only one contact with her since the official dday. I say official because I found emails from her/him back in January (that were written in October- nothing sexual or explicit but crossing the line for a married man with a female coworker) but didn't actually associate them with an emotional affair until I had shared them with a trusted friend and my brother who pointed out to me that this was an inappropriate workplace friendship. I keep reading over what Plan A is and even though he is ****** bent on making this marriage work, I am not always refraining from the LB's that I need to.

Jlash,

"" so I could see how he reacts (is this weird?).""

Yes.

Like having someone shoot you point blank in the chest with a .45 to see if the kelvar vest is really bullet proof.

When you confronted him with the emails and your accusation was he surprised that you considered this an EA? Was he totally apologetic and remorseful, saying he did not realize the relationship had crossed the line? Did he promise to end the relationship then and there and beg your forgiveness?

And now you say he is working *****bent to make the M work.

Could it be that maybe he actually did not realize the wrongness of the relationship and he is totally committed to make this up to you?

Stranger things have happened.

And why are you at the low end of the RC? Because she has not contacted him?? Are you looking for more drama than there should be in this situation?

I am only saying that because when you discovered the emails you heard no alarm bell or felt any gut feeling until others informed you of the sitch.

So give the boy a break and BE HAPPY that he is working so ****bent.

IMHO

kirk

"Like having someone shoot you point blank in the chest with a .45 to see if the kelvar vest is really bullet proof."

Okay...I get that...

"When you confronted him with the emails and your accusation was he surprised that you considered this an EA? Was he totally apologetic and remorseful, saying he did not realize the relationship had crossed the line? Did he promise to end the relationship then and there and beg your forgiveness?"

"I am only saying that because when you discovered the emails you heard no alarm bell or felt any gut feeling until others informed you of the sitch."


We were both suprised. I did not consider it an A of any kind- I never knew about EA's until MB- because there was no mention of physical contact, love, missing each other yada yada yada. I have had red flags about her since I knew he was working so closely with her. The emails (sorry I didn't clarify on these earlier) were a humiliation of me and my feelings.

This is a co-worker friendship that should never had been. He has been friends with alot of women before in previous jobs that I never saw anything wrong with because they were not personal friendships...if that makes sense. In other words, no personal information was discussed...just general.."how ya doing...how's the job at your end?" To me, there is nothing wrong with that. When it crosses the line, is to me when something is said that would never have been said in front of me and that's what happened.

I did not realize this was an EA until I came here at the request of a friend who had been in a PA and had found this site. Yes, once pointed out to him, he was shocked and deeply regretful. However, after promising me two weeks ago that he would not contact her- it's not crucial to his present job in the company- he ran into her at an interview a few of them from his company had that was off the job site and instead of walking away, he stood there and talked to her- alone. Now, normally, I would have had no problem with this at all and had he not promised me he wouldn't talk to her, it still would have hurt, but not as much as the fact that he promised NC with her unless absolutely necessary and he admitted to me after justifying it, that it should never have happened.

There has never been any promise to end the friendship from him, just avoidance- which I don't think is the best move when the OW thinks nothing has changed. When first told about it being an EA he felt like he "wasn't allowed" to talk to anyone of the opposite gender and of course was quite defensive about this relationship and any female co-workers and got quite upset at me. I know he misses talking to her, he told me. He said it's like telling your best friend to go to ****.

We realized by doing the EN worksheet that his greatest EN is affirmation/admiration so I have done basically a 180 trying to do that for him and the fact that he talked to her after promising me he wouldn't, hurts. I asked him what she still gives him that I wasn't and he had no answer for that.

"And why are you at the low end of the RC? Because she has not contacted him?? Are you looking for more drama than there should be in this situation?"

Possible...I guess also because no NC has been established because he has chosen not to do this at this point and until he finds another job (which he hopes happens so he won't have to own up to a NC letter)...which may take a while...I feel like I am in limbo on how I am supposed to feel. I don't want to drag him through the mud every time we talk about this, nor do I want to pretend to be okay with this. I already had insecurity issues before this whole thing started so I know that does not help any. I am also a SAHM who relies heavily on the EN of conversation and when WH is working 13-15 hours a day 20 minutes from OW, I tend to get a bit ancy wondering what's going on.

Thanks for your "IMHO". It helps me try to put things into perspective.

Dear JL, you really are in limbo- until he commits to no contact and one of them leaves the job, the affair is either ongoing or stands the HUGE chance of restarting.

Have you read up on Plan A- all of it? That means exposing the affair to those who can might have an impact on their relatioship.

Being an office romance, you should certainly expose to his supervisor and or the HR dept.

Are they using the office internet, computers, etc, to communicate? Many businesses have very strict rules about that.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair? I would order them and read them ASAP.

If your husband is working 13-15 hours a day that certainly doesn't leave much time for the two of you.

I completely understand what you meant when you said you wished she would contact him so you could see how he reacts. I think that is how we want to test them as well as build trust. If she contacts him and he tells you, then that is a block in rebuilding trust. I know it may be a tad warped, but I understand what you mean.

Just some thoughts...

I realize and have known for some time that no matter the situation, I try to either take control of it, if I can, or attempt to control the behavior of the person who can take control of it to steer them to make the decision that I ultimately want them to make (ie. the NC letter/email from WH to OW that has not been done). I cannot force him to do this. I asked him to do this right after we discovered that this was indeed an EA that needed to stop and he chose not to do that because he didn't know how to separate telling OW he couldn't have personal conversations from her and then still having to talk business once in a while. I explained to him the suggestions from MB and after three times of asking him to please do this, he still has not. I told him last night I was not going to ask him anymore because he had obviously made his decision and I did not want resentment towards me from him doing the NC letter if he still has feelings for OW and that the reason he chooses not to do this, to me, means one of two things...either he still cares about her or he is too cowardly.

Does this make me happy? Not in the least, however, he knows that I feel like I am competing for him and that no matter how many times he tells me he doesn't want her or to be with her, until I see action on his part proving this, the trust is not going to be rebuilt. I can only control my part of this problem and I have finally realized that.

Since I have been doing this for the past 25 of my 30 years of life, it's a bit difficult to just let it all go, but I am trying really hard to do so. I have finally said to my WH that I have to understand that he will make mistakes, but I cannot try to keep him from doing so nor try to take ownership of them myself and show him all the reasons that he didn't have to make the mistake he made. I realize that this only pushes him further away from me and where I want us to be. He was upset that I was so quiet this weekend and said that our relationship will become quite dull if I don't talk at all and I explained to him that until I learned to shut up and listen to what I say before saying it, I will attempt to control every single aspect of my life and everyone's around it when God is ultimately in control and has that down pat.

I also explained to him in a calm rational voice that his decisions will ultimately affect how long it takes for the trust to rebuild and that I must see action and not just words to begin trusting him again. If he continues at the job he continues at and puts himself in the position to be working directly with OW again, then that is his decision and if he screws up or screws her, that is also his decision however, he needs to keep in mind that I will also be making decisions that he won't like either.

Once I can learn to speak without controlling, I will do so. Who knows how long this will take, but I can say that in just the few days I have attempted this, I already feel better. Just not hearing myself rant and rave and freak out about things I ultimately have no control over is so nice for me I can't imagine what it'll do for those who have been subjected to it for so long. Will I fail at this? Maybe, but I'll try for as long as it takes.

I know this may be a far cry from the actions told to me by other MBer's but I have laid it all out for him this weekend. He knows that he sucks at prioritizing his time and takes no initiative to fix this. He knows that we get zero time during the week because of his schedule and that I will not wait around 20 years for him to figure this out. He also knows that he is the only one who can fix this part of it.

He has been actively searching for another job. He was off yesterday and we drove around dropping off his resume and filling out applications. He has also faxed a few.

To Move Forward...Thank you for your post. I have read HNHN and have shared with him and we have both completed the EN questions. We know what each other's needs are. My top one being conversation and his being admiration/affection.

Have not read SAA but plan to get it from the library this week.

I have access to his email at work and right now the job he is doing for his company does not require any time with them working together and the emails prove it. (I also check his phone when he comes home) I am actually in the company's system so I know there is nothing private going on. He willingly gave me passwords but I refused them because I already knew what they were and this way if he thinks I don't know them, he's more likely to put something on there he doesn't think I'll see.

Because of some crap that happened at work Friday, he was given the option to either stay at the job he is doing now, or go back to the other one which would put him directly in her path each and every day. He told me he decided not to take that one but we will just wait and see. If that is changed to his only option and he has no other job lined up, he may not have much of a choice.

All in all, he knows that I am completely abstaining from any decisions regarding what I think he should do. I will gladly give opinions...if asked, answer questions...if asked and share feelings...if asked. It's the only way I feel I can learn that I am not in control of anyone else's decisions but my own.