Been reading for awhile. This is how things have been thus far.

WH left early March. He needed space. Did not figure out until about a week later that he had been having an A and that it had been going on since early Feb. (although, it is kind of hard to say how often they "saw" each other because we do spend quite a bit of time together... almost all of our time lol)

He just "feels" we are over. I in turn had been in Plan A without even knowing what that was. I've never had any DJ's, no LB's or been anything but friendly with him since. Have not had much contact with him in a couple of weeks.

Sent him an email this week and received no response. Found out he is not at work the remainder of this week. (a guy who has never missed a day)

I exposed to everyone in our families and circle of friends. WH has avoided everyone in this circle and when he has seen them has been not quite friendly.

I am finding it difficult to be in Plan A based on my not seeing him. When I do have the chance to speak with him, I try to meet his EN's by listening, paying attention, etc.

I know in my Plan A, word does get back to him on what I am doing in my life. He has asked friends what I have been up to, and has also told them things are not well with OW at present.

So, how do you plan a someone that is hiding from you? Do I just continue on with my self improvement and let word get back to him?

Welcome. Can you tell us something about the other woman? Is she married? Do they work together?

He will show up sooner or later, so I'm really glad you found us.

Oh, and have you secured your finances?

Aside from being not very pretty IMO, I don't much about her. Know her name, she is not married, and no they do not work together.

I think he may have met her through a friend. (not a good one obviously)

Yes, finances are secure. Actually, WH went about doing that after lying to everyone about me squandering money when I found out.

How was the marriage BEFORE the affair? If there were things he complained about, those are the things you need to work on.

What I meant about securing finances is so that HE won't take money and blow it on the OW.

Affairs almost always end, so he'll be back. You just need to figure out if you still want him, if the marriage was a good one, what needs to be changed, etc.

Well, the one change is obvious.

As far as money goes... he is broke. All he has complained about when I do talk to him. So, he is taking every cent he has from work and blowing it on his new lifestyle.

Before the A things were great. We get along very well. When we fight, it is usually because WH keeps things bottled up until he can't take it anymore, then he blows, we argue for an hour, then we are great.

We've never gone to bed angry save for maybe one occasion... and even then, when we awoke, it was a clean slate all over again.

He did not really complain much. He has always said he liked to show me off, but sometimes, getting all dressed up is a bore. LOL I've always been a leavethe house with makeup and hair done, but had no qualms about a bulky sweatshirt and jeans. So, that's one thing.

I'll think of other stuff.

NWTT:

Lets Look at this:

"Before the A things were great"

However:

"When we fight, it is usually because WH keeps things bottled up until he can't take it anymore, then he blows"

HE has alot of trouble expressing his feelings doesn't he?

Were you sure to point out the error of his thinking in these arguments?

And then he's quiet again?

Next:

"He did not really complain much"

So, he never quite measured up to your expectations?

And before you think I am just beating you up. His response to all this was lousy. Closing down and then finding someone else. Lousy.

So, Order His Needs, Her Needs, (HNHN) from this website. Also, Surviving an Affair (SAA). Don't wait to get it from the bookstore or the Library. You need the information contained in those two books to fight for your M.

It might be the best $50 you ever spend.

Now, a little bit more about your situation.

Do you work? Does your Husband?
College Education? You? Him?
Career Choices? Are you happy with yours? Is your H?
What are your top 3 emotional needs? What do you think your H's are?
How does your family treat him? How does his family treat you? Before Dec 2006?

That's a place to start.

Sorry you have to be here. MB has a plan to help you save your M.

But the plan is about changing YOU, not your H. And if your H recognizes your changes, he might change as well.

But that is up to him.

LG

LG...

Yes, we both work.

Neither of us went to college. I however have been offered teh opportunity to take over the business I work at, and WH has been at his job just over a year now and has impressed them immensely. He has started to build a reputation forhimself.

I am not sure what my top three needs are exactly. I have not been unhappy, so I really don't know what they are. I will have to give it some thought.

My husband's first one I believe is attention. I have always paid him attention, but maybe not the same way I used to. Not too sure what the others are.

My family loves him. So, they are pretty hurt by his behaviour. His family has always treated me well. We have our moments. They have pretty much decided they want him to be happy, so I am the enemy now. I expected it though.

I will have to order the books. Thanks for taking the time t reply.

I guess I should just continue on changing myself, and not worrying about him seeing said changes... for now.

NWTT:

So, you are very successful whare you work, and have the opportunity to BUY the business.

WH has been at his job for a year. And they like him.

See the difference?

How long have you been working for this company?

How many different jobs has your WH had prior to this position?

Do you make significantly more than him? Or vice versa?

Read up on this website about EN's. If you can not describe yours, it will be very difficult for you to discuss his.

Don't worry, you have the time. It took your M 10 years to get here, It can take a while to straighten out.

OK?

LG

Admiration is a top need for many men, and that is often one that the other woman can fill easily. What's not to admire when they don't have to deal with the day to day stress and worries?

Hi Lousy,

Small threadjack here. Does this matter?

Who

WhoMe:

"Does this Matter?"

You bet.

Maybe not for you.

Maybe not for NWTT.

I don't know. I asked to get a sense for the type of R they had.

I see a H who may not be keeping up with a strong powerful W.

And realizing that he never could.

And then he finds someone who accepts him how he is.

To be blunt, Flamingo has made more money than me for the majority of our M.

And do not think for a minute that it didn't affect my self-esteem and how I felt about my ability to provide for my family.

I always thought I was getting ahead and getting better at what I did.

And Flamingo, directly sometimes, and indirectly other times, would point out my inadequacies in this regard.

It wasn't until Flamingo read HNHN that she GOT THIS.

And it has made a world of difference.

So.

Until NWTT can rank her EN's properly and completly, both for herself, and her WH, addressing the issues in thier M is difficult.

And Who? Do you make more than skirmsher?

LG

Thanks all.

I work as a server in a restaurant. I have worked there for nine years. My employer came to me and asked if WH and I would like to take over hte business. He told me to talk it over with WH, and that in five years, he would like tobe done with it.

So, we had five years to find a way to do this. WH was excited to do this.

We both make the same amount of money. Money has never been a problem between the two of us.

LG, I've given it some thought, and here they are.

Admiration
Affection
Recreational Companionship

I believe my WH's are very close to be the same. Definitely Admiration and affection as his top two. He has always been very affectionate and has always loved to receive compliments and admiration from me. Also, he is the type to constantly ask me if he looks okay, etc.

I am not sure what his third one would be though. Hard to say, because his "new lifestyle" is a little on the reckless side.

So everything was fine in the marriage until he met the OW? And he didn't have any stressful things that happened in his life?

No. Nothing of major importance.

In talking to a friend, she seems to think his turning 30 might be a trigger for him. I tend to agree because he was a bit upset at that stage of his life (like he feels he might have missed out)

He's kind of young for a midlife crisis.

Does he have a good relationship with his family?

I'm only asking because in most affairs there are also other problems - the Harley's say emotional needs aren't being met, others say some kind of crisis or life change.

But at any rate, he will be coming around. It isn't unusual at all for them to pull the disappearing act - they don't want to face the betrayed spouse.

In the meantime, start making a good life for yourself. Clean the house, detail the car, plant a garden, exercise, go to church, volunteer, go out with friends.

I don't doubt the crisis thing. It is something that has bothered him for awhile. I always told him he was just being silly, but, I guess that might have been the wrong thing to do.

His family relationship has not always been great.Kind of up and down.

So, Believer, what you are saying is I should just continue to go about my business as I have the past few weeks? Have I mentioned this is tough? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yes, it is tough. We've all been there - walking around like zombies, not believing this is happening to us, unable to eat or sleep. It is completely miserable, but I promise you it does get better.

At first, I didn't think I would be able to stand it for another week.

And even if he came back today, you won't get over the grief and awful feelings for about 2 years. Sorry.

So the best course of action is to take good care of yourself, do things to make you feel good and get your self-esteem out of the toilet, and not count on him to meet any of your needs. Consider him a heroin addict who has just found his fix.

But know that affairs almost always end - 97% of them, anyway, and out of the 3% who stay together and get married, 75% divorce. So the odds are way in your favor.

I am hoping you are right.

I see all of these people on here waiting, and I worry that will be me. How long can one actually wait?

I think right now I understand the grief will be there, but it is the hope that the sooner, the quicker we get to fixing it.

In the nearly 3 months, my self esteem has improved.

What happens when the affair starts to wind down? And, why are WS's so miserable? I am so annoyed hearing from the people he does speak to, how awful he actually is. Sooo not my H at all.

Well, I waited 3 and a half years, and I ended up divorced. But I'm still happy I waited, so that I know that I did everything possible to try to save my marriage. I have no regrets.

But for most people, it isn't that long. Most affairs are over within 6 months to a year or less.

Let your friends know that you want to save your marriage. Then go on and make a nice life for yourself.

Are you close to your family?

Not really. Well, sometimes it depends on what day of the week it is. lol

They have their own issues and I tend to stay out of them.

I have made my intentions clear to friends. I have their support, although WH does not see it as being that way. Rather than seeing everyone rooting for us, he takes it to mean they are against him, which is not the case. Why do they get so angry and volatile with our friends like that?

Thanks for the talk believer. Glad things ended up working out the way you wanted it to in the end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />