I am sorry, but my H has yet to see what he did after two years. BUT i have been here and talked to people enough to learn that yes, they do become wise to their actions, but I think that it comes back more slowly than you think. It is different for everyone.

Did you sleep last night? I was up til 2:30 last night and up early this morning and you were on each time? Are you taking good care of yourself?

Was your WH in your home still? Mine moved out before I could find out what happened, so, his coming back will be because he has seen what he has done.

Had a horrible sleep last night. Could not get to bed, so that was why I was here.... hoped I could read myself to sleep.

And, I intended on sleeping in today, but that did not work either. (cats)

I have to go to work in a bit, so, going back to bed is not an option. Busy day today. Work for a few hours, then grocery shopping and then I am supposed to head to the batting cages with a friend.

It'll be early to bed tonight though. *yawns*

It is very hard to predict when or how they will come out of the fog. I tossed my ex out on D-day. That was before I found this place. It was a mistake, and just brought him closer to the OW.

Then, I did a Plan A, but not a good one. It drove me crazy that he denied that he was with OW. So I would try to catch them together, but no matter what, he still denied. I finally caught them together in bed, and he couldn't deny any longer. But all of the drama just made them cling together.

Five months after I went into Plan B, he called me at work and announced that he was moving back home. But he was still with OW, and I was able to keep him out.

There were several times when I think we could have made it, but by that time, I had run out of steam. When he told me he needed my help to get over the OW, I told him I had no interest and didn't want to hear about HIS pain. Big mistake.

That is why I think it is much better to be friendly and calm, but get on with your own life. Recovery is very difficult and you need to save your energy and patience for it.

NWTT:

I think it is time for you to really find out what is going on with your WH.

Where is he living?
Who is he living with?
Who is supporting him?
Where does she work?
How are her parents?
Who are her friends?
What was his real issues. I discussed some of this early on in your thread. EN's.
And how was your relationship, really. You need to really start evaluating your M. You state several times that it was great. But I see many issues in your original posts, that indicate to me that is wasn't as great as you thought. (At least from my Male POV)

My wife didn't know about my A for 3 years. Didn't even suspect.

You need the facts while in Plan A. So that you can really attract your H back into the Marriage. Read Bugsmom's thread. And LilSis original thread. Slightly different sitch's, yes, but you will see many of the same things.

Since everybody knows, send a letter/e-mail with this info to everyone you know/WH knows:
Dear:
WH has moved out of the house and is currently living XXXX. A number of people have mentioned to me that WH is now the ex-H. This is untrue. Until WH and I are DIVORCED, we are still Married. As of this date, no legal proceeding have occurred, and until they do, DO not refer to the man I love as my Ex-H.

I still love this man and I am working my hardest to have him return to our home, and marriage. Please assist me by refraining from calling him anything except my husband. Please call me with any questions, support, ideas. I am fighting for this M and I ask for your support.

NWTT

Understand that right now, he doesn't want to talk to you. Because it points out how awful he is treating you. And by sending the above letter to everybody, you box him out from making you look like the "bad guy" and you state that you want him to come home.

He will be furious, and come looking for you.

Good. Conflict you can deal with, being ignored is death.

So, find out where he is and start interfering in his life. Be pleasant. Make it appealing for him to be with you. Change Jobs. So that you can be home more often.

LG

Like I said. We got along great. Our marriage was great. We did EVERYTHING together.

We rarely fight. When we did, it was one big mess that lasted for a couple of hours at most, but we NEVER went to bed angry.

Also, I know he was living with his parents, but I now suspect (based on our truck rarely being there anymore) that he now lives at OW's.

As far as supporting him, I assume you mean who is helping him with this affair? He has a friend and his family who support whatever decision he makes. The rest of his friends, as well as his Papa, are helping us to save our marriage.

I know nothing about OW and have tried in vain to learn more about her. Frankly, she has locked herself up tight in hiding. I have a friend who knows a friend of hers and is trying to get ahold of him so that I can find out a little more.

As I said, my marriage and relationship with my H was great. This is a man who told me everyday (without coercion) that he loved me more than anything. He called me at work everyday (and on the days he was too busy, he later apologized at home that he didn't get to call and would tell me he missed me)

I know exactly when the A started. I know exactly when he had seen her. Up until the day he left. He moved out because he KNEW he would not be able to hide it from me any longer. Then, even after he moved out, he tried his best to hide it. I caught on by the cell phone records... because he had tried to change the online login so that I could not access it, and it sent an email of the change to my email address. We went EVERYWHERE together (by choice... not because I MADE him)

This is a man that told all of our friends when I was not around about what our plans for the future were. A man that was proud to go places with me and proclaim his love for me. His boss has talked to me and told me he just does not get it because my H always talked about how happy I made him.

We have already gone over the exposure hurdle. And, as soon as I can find the OW's family, I will be on that hurdle. He has gone to see a lawyer, and I was able to get him to drop that by telling him I would not co-operate and that I believed we could deal with our issues on our own. WH agreed.

As far as the job thing... I actually only work at most 30 hours a week. It is just spread over a 6 day week. For example, today I went to work and was there for an hour and a half. It was not lack of time together that brought us here.

I sent that email out LG. Thank you very much. Now, I wait for the fireworks.

Would it be a good idea to drop a copy off at my inlaws? Or, leave them out of it?

It just needs to be said.

I feel great today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement.

LG does an excellent job of advising BS's. I'm glad he checked in.

Also happy that you are feeling good. Now we will see what happens next. If you get stressed about it, go clean the toilets. At least that is always productive.

Should I drop off a copy to WH's parents?

Might as well. If they say anything, just repeat the mantra that you love their son, and want to save the marriage, and would appreciate any help they could offer.

Parents often side with their WS offspring, so don't be surprised if they just want sonny-boy to be happy. He may have rewrote the whole history of the marriage, telling them how miserable he was, so that he doesn't look like a lying, cheating scumball.

From what you say, she is hiding. Thus she is trying to protect herself from exposure. In my opinion, expose to the world even if you have to take out a billboard and this includes your inlaws.

Larry

Well, I already know how his mom feels. Last time I spoke to her I heard how horrible I am.

I am wondering if I should bother though.

Actually, you have a point Larry. Also... my inlaws may have noticed the change in WH's behaviour... so a letter may tell them a bit.

And how did you handle that?

Larry

I think I may have gotten a little angry. *shame on me*

She told me I was horrible to her, so I asked that she name one time I was or had done something to hurt her. She said that it was not the time to discuss this, so I repeated my question.

Once again, she said the same thing, so I replied, "I thought so."

I then left the house until they were gone.

Dear MIL/FIL,

As you are fully aware, WH has been involved in an affair since early February. I know he was at some point living with you, but it has come to my attention that may no longer be the case.

There have also been a number of people who in passing have referred to WH as my exH. This is untrue. Until WH and I are divorced, we are still married. I ask that you please do not refer to the man I love as my exH.

I still love WH and I am working my hardest to have him return to our home and marriage. Please assist me by refraining from calling him anything except my husband. Please, feel free to call me or email me with any questions, support, or ideas. I am fighting for this marriage, and I ask for your support.

Love,

NWTT

Is that enough info for my inlaws? Oh, and Larry, I replied on the last page... not sure if you saw that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would leave out the part about them calling him your ex.

Dear MIL/FIL,

When I married, I vowed to stay with my husband through good times and bad.

I still love WH and I am working my hardest to have him return to our home and marriage. Please, feel free to call me or email me with any questions, support, or ideas. I am fighting for this marriage, and I ask for your support.

Thank you Believer.

I am wondering if it is possible he had some sort of falling out on their end, which may be why he is not there anymore. And, if there is, maybe a letter from me would help them to get on OURside again.

Or, it will just tick WH off more because I left it there.

Either way... eek.

I received a response from my brother in law. Who, three months ago was very respectful and loving towards me.


"I have a suggestion....leave me out of this. For the record....never email me again. You should be ashamed of yourself. I cannot believe you when you say that you are making every attempt to repair your marriage when this email is first of all making an [censored] out of yourself, but, also letting everyone know how much of a child you are.

Unrespectfully yours,

brother in law"