The only financial obligation he has at this time is car insurance. He readily paid me what I was owed last month, but has been avoiding me this month.

I guess I will just have to drop in to his work tomorrow so that I can put him on the spot about it.

He either pays, or I will call to have it removed from our truck. And, himself from our plan.

Oh, another thing is... I changed our phone number shortly after he moved out because I had heard all of teh horror stories about OW's calling and harassing. I have not given the new number to WH because he was calling me at work, and that was a better arrangement at the time for me (less yelling on his end because other people were around, and I was able to stay calmer because he was not upsetting me)

Would it be a good idea to give him our number now? Or, should I wait until my H starts to rear his head?

Yes, please ask him calmly and cheerfully for the payment. Tell him you cannot make the payment without his help. If he doesn't pay, I would remove him from the insurance. But don't be mean or angry about it.

The waywards are so busy spending money on the affair that they often let their obligations slip. The less money he has, the better.

Yep, I've heard all about how broke he is. Poor him.

What about the phone number? Should I wait to give it to him?

Does it sound strange? I am nervous about seeing my WH tomorrow. I have not heard from him in a long time, and worry that I might just lose it and cry hysterically begging him to come home.

I know I won't do this, but, what if I do?

I thank God everyday for being my rock. He has given me the strength to do this. Between Him and the friends He has chosen for us in this life, I feel WH and I can do anything.

So, when word gets back to WH that everyone now knows he is living with this girl, you say this should put a bit of wedge in the fantasy, Believer?

Are you familiar with the Freeloader/Renter/Buyer concepts that Harley has discussed in his books?

"living together" is ... by default a "freeloader" or a "renter" agreement

most live-in-before-marriage arrangements are MORE LIKELY to collapse under their own weight of built-in resentments than a fall-in-love-get-married-then-move-in romantic relationship

I am NOT saying this so you use this to try and educate your befuddled WH with this information

I am saying this because YOU need to know that their "living together" is a BAD thing for THEM

when these adulterors sacrifice for each other ... they eventually expect repayment ... and when the "repayment" is not enough .... the resentments and doubts begin to fill the closets & spill out into the room

take heart

they are turds
you are fresh air

THIS THREAD LINK may help understand the dynamics

best wishes

I understand Pepperband.

WH and I lived together before marriage (three years before) but that was only after being very much in love and knowing we were going t ospend our lives together as husband and wife.

We had been together for two years prior to this.

What form of repayment are you referring? Is this a love unit thing? And, I guess if that is the case, my Plan A should help to also put a dent in their happiness, correct?

And, yes, the air is really fresh here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

harley says (as do most studied MARRIAGE experts)

living together prior to marriage is a MINUS and not a PLUS

Well, in this day and age, you won't see many people that don't.

In my case, we have lived together (basically as husband and wife) for 8 years.

So did you do some nice things for yourself today?

Well, I went to work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Then had a softball game this evening. Unfortunately, our umpire (who just asked me last week where WH was... and I explained) kept hitting on me and being a real creep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Then, he asked me if I had spoken to WH. I replied that no I hadn't, and asked if he had seen him. He said no, then asked what our plans were. I informed him that I love my H and that I am doing what I can to save my marriage. Creepy umpire told me he hoped things worked out for WH and I.

Ran into a friend after the game. He asked how I was holding up. Told him I am hanging in there. He told me that he has spoken to WH and has suggested that perhaps he get his act together, but also made it abundantly clear tha the is not choosing sides. I said to friend, "Good." Then told him that no one is choosing sides. They all should be on OUR side.

I told him I am doing what I can to save our marriage, and that I love WH. He told me not to give up.

I am thinking I could use a hot bath right about now. I just realized today (even after reading about this stuff on the site) that things I do for myself are really keeping my self esteem up. Also, luckily for me, when WH left me that night, my Love Bank was through the roof, so I really don't feel as if I have had much in the way of withdrawals. Yes, it took a dive when he left... and when I found out, but there have been little things he has said (early on) that helped my bank to soar.

I dunno. I just feel really good about seeing him tomorrow. Nervous, but good.

I am thinking I should ask him if he is at his parents, and then hear again the whole "Well, I can't afford anything else.... blah blah" I will then say, "Well, you could always move home." then leave it at that. Change the subject.

Like I said... I hope I don't get too anxious when I see him. It has been a month. I miss him (H... not WH) terribly.

When you see him tomorrow, I would let him know that he is always welcome home, as soon as the OW is out of the picture. Say it cheerfully. Don't cry or act sad.

Then he will tell you that there is no hope for the marriage, it is not about the OW, blah, blah, blah. But the seed has been planted - that he is welcome to come home, and there is hope for the marriage. He will have that in the back of his mind.

I am not sure he will say that. I did mention to him when I last saw him tha the knew his home was waiting for him. His response was, "I know".

I am going to stop and pick him up a coffee and a couple of bagels too. I won't see him till late afternoon, which means that he will go home from work full (with no room for dinner) At least he will have had something I know he enjoys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Should I wait to decide how to proceed next by the response I get from him tomorrow? I know he will be a bit surprised to see me (seeing as it has been so long since he has heard from me) Maybe having me walk up to him will throw him off for a bit? I know it will surprise his co-workers. (last time I was there, the manager came out WH was not in the room, and he asked me if I wanted him to knock a bit of sense into the guy... I told him he would have to get in line behind me and we laughed a bit... WH walked in on that... might have been upset that he missed the joke)

Also, I mentioned it earlier. I had changed my phone number since this all began and am wondering if I should give WH the number.

By the way... bath was nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So nervous. Wish me luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck. Be calm and cheerful. It is fine to give him your new number.

He will probably still be all fogged out. Expect nothing. Pretend like you are planting seeds in a garden, and then wait for them to grow.

Okay. So.

I was so cool and calm. I amazed myself. Plus, I asked God to help me on the way...

So, I walk in and he is on the phone with a customer. I wait and he was kind of thrown off on the phone (I could hear it in his voice) So, he gets off, and I walk up with the coffee and bagels. Put them down and he says, "Thanks" I tell him anytime, then say, "Here, I have this for you." It was the insurance slip. He says, "Oh" (kinda sounded upset) and he stares at it for a second.

So, I say to him, "You have any money for me?" He kinda looks at me for a second (thinking really hard) then starts rummaging through his drawer. Papers on his desk started to blow over, so I reached and grabbed them for him. He says, "Hang on a sec" then leaves to go out to our truck.

One of his co-workers walks by (he worked with this guy at another place before so I have known him for years) and he is staring at me. So, I say, "Hey Jeff. How's it going?" He says, "Good, and yourself?" (he keeps giving me THE LOOK) I replied, "Really good, thanks." He then asks me if I am keeping out of trouble (still giving me the look... and I noticed he turned and saw WH coming back) and I replied, "Now, why would I keep myself out of trouble? There's no fun in that." and we laugh. WH walks up and has a chequebook. Starts to fill it out and asks, "It was 88 something right?" I say, "Yep" and he fills in the cheque.

As he is doing that, I say to him, "So, how you been doing?" (I am so cheerful... I think I deserve an Emmy) He looks up and says, "huh?" so, I repeat my question. I get an "ok" and he hands me the cheque.

Then he proceeds to tell me that there won't be any money until tomorrow, so I say, "Oh, so I can't cash this?" and he says, "Well, I get paid tomorrow so it will be good then" I say, "Oh, okay" then add, "Thank you darlin'" and tunr to leave. As I am walking out he says, "I'll see ya later" and I replied, "Yep. Talk to you later."

Wasn't until after I got in the car that I realized I had forgotten my number, so I waited till I got home.

Called him and said, "Hey... you got a pen?" He says, "yeah" so I said, "Write down this number." He says, "What is it?" so I recite it, and he says, "Okay. What is it?" I tell him it's where he can find me, then say, "Okay, I have to go" and said "Goodbye"

OMG! I was so happy to just see his face. And, to see the disappointment.

Oh, and WH has gained some weight since I last saw him. I am thinking like 20 pounds. In a month.

He can't be happy about that either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

NWTT:

Nice Start!

Keep it up.

What time is lunch tommorrow?

LG

Very nicely done!

Another Plan A goddess in the making!

OMG! Thank you so much LG and Lexxxy.

Well, I work during lunch time unfortunately. But, I can have it delivered to him. (or, drop stuff of to him in the mornings or late afternoons on days like today)

I could not get over the disappointment in his face. No mention of wanting his stuff or of divorce, lawyers, etc.

What got me most was the disappointment on his face. Priceless.

My love bank is on cloud nine right now. I am so proud of myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good job NWT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />