Well, I found this place after the affair had been on for about a month.

I had done a lot of reading at that time, and took some of the steps in Plan A. I was very open to WH and talked to him almost daily.

I just kept reading here... trying to get a sense of what I should do.

Then, WH stopped calling. I let him have some time. Why? I don't know. I thought maybe it would help him to see what he had done.

But, in actuality, I think it helped me. Because, now I am able to walk up to him and fight this fight.

It made me a stronger person to be able to walk away for that month.

I believe, as you have said Believer that he will be back. How can he continue in his misery? He can't. My H is a very happy, fun guy. People like him instantly. The man I saw... and friends have seen as of late is defensive and mean.

And, that is the man I want to see on our doorstep. I love him. I am disgusted by the WH.

That is what keeps me in check. Knowing there are two different people in that man's body. I want nothing to do with the guy who took over... but I want to continue my life with the man I love.

At what point do I say that's it?

Meaning, how long should I typically carry on in this plan?

What hurts me most is watching him fall apart right before my eyes... and I cannot do anything to stop it. And, because he is falling apart, is that a good sign? Something to hold on to?

Should I say I will continue for a month, and if I get nothing, then switch plans? Is a month long enough? You've all read my situation. Any ideas are greatly appreciated!!

You need to do a good Plan A for 3 to 6 months. Then it will be time for Plan B.

But just continue working on making a good life. I have seen people do a perfect Plan A, and save their marriage, and I've seen folks do a lousy one and save the marriage. The plans are just meant to give the marriage the best chance possible.

I think the best tonic for saving a marriage is a happy BS who has a good life, and who will be happy with or WITHOUT the WS.

So, do we count the month I took off from WH? lol

I was plan a'ing my heart out before then. I think there was only one instance where I totally broke down when talking to WH and it wasn't even over him. lol I was having a bad day, and when I was talking to him just got really upset.

I saw a little bit of my H during this time. More so near the end. Then I took some time away for me. But, I continued to be content and moving on... and WH was told. I think that may have been why he tried to get ahold of me. He wanted to see for himself.

It was all just a bit coincidental if you ask me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So, now what?

Just found out that the things I brought up to WH went right into the garbage when I left. One of his co-workers told me not to bother because he apparantly thinks I am trying t ohurt him (by poisoning him)

How can he think I would hurt him? What have I done?

Well, at least he realizes that he deserves to be poisoned. (JK).

I would leave him alone for a couple of days.

I fully intended to, but come on.

Did he think I would actually get away with poisoning him???

No, I think he is putting on a show for the people he works with. He has to paint you as the crazy, mean wife. Otherwise he would look like a big JERK.

OH! Duh.

Why didn't I think of that?

That is why I come here. You guys are smart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here I was all upset... Thank you Believer.

So, now what?

NWTT:

You said this:

"What hurts me most is watching him fall apart right before my eyes... and I cannot do anything to stop it. "

And guess what? Maybe he just needs to.

That's why you continue to grow, and get stronger in Plan A.

Because when he falls apart, you are available to pick him up.

But he might have to find that place first.

OK?

Good idea for the Lunch. Sorry the idiot threw it away.

Send Dunkin' Donuts next time. For the whole crew.

Watch him throw THOSE away!

LG

LOL! I thought about bringing in stuff for the rest of them. I highly doubt they believe his bull****.

Perhaps a call to his manager would do the trick. Just to get the feel of what he sees.

And, LG, I do realize that. I just hate standing back and watching.

NWTT:

But you have too. You can not force him to change. He has to decide to.

Often, we think that the right word here, or the right statement there, will make them "see the light"

They are in the tunnel. You are the light at the end of it. You might be faint right now, but your light gets brighter, as your plan A improves, and you improve.

Call the manager? For what? Deliver the donuts to him, but I wouldn't CALL him. That gets back to WH and he thinks you are checking up/creating trouble. If you Deliver the donuts to him, then the Manager can talk to you....

And about exposure, the manager already knows, right?

LG

He does. I did not have to tell him either. He came to me to see how I was holding up. Told me that he had some words with WH about what he was doing. Funny thing is, WH is trying t ofool everyone, but he's not. Who leaves their wife then has a girlfriend the next day??? Come on. They are not that dumb.

Actually, he has had a few questions for me because he was concerned about the change he had seen.

He has not told WH that I have spoken to him. He came into work one day and told me that if I ever needed to talk, to give him a call. I took him up on that offer about three weeks later (after having gone to see a very fogged out WH)

I justasked if he was alway that way at work lately, and was given a resounding yes. Then, he asked me what my plans were as far as the affair etc. I told him that I loved H and that I was doing what I could for our marriage. This was when he told me that he had made a comment to WH about me moving on, and asked what he would do if that happened. WH replied that "we would see"

I have spoken to him one more time since then but just to chat (in front of WH at work)

WH's work people are on OUR side.

Its time to be very classy. Tell whoever told you that he threw the food out that you are hurt that your husband of 10 years would think you would poison him, and that you are still hoping to save the marriage.

Then go clean those toilets again.

I did that this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And, my toilets can only be so clean. lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, then go rowing, or whatever. You are just going to have to let this go, and give it time. He knows that he is being nasty, and would like you to turn into a B*tch, so he can tell everyone why he left.

You did a good thing for him, and he tossed the food. Just let that be.

I am over it. The minute you said why he did it, it hit hard and I was over it immediately.

I meant it when I said for some reason I have been really cool through all of this.

The changed me is amazing. I am not joking when I say the old me would have crawled up into a ball and died.

It was like of those 2x4's got me smack in the forehead. All it took was you saying why he did it.

Thanks believer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, now I've taken on the roll as an advisor.

A friend of mine is having a lot of troubles with his STBX and the child custody things. She is a complete nutjob, and is really bringing this friend down.

Now, I know that I cannot be very sympathetic with him (because of the whole EN thing... and my lack of receiving any) but, I did tell him to ask for guidance from God. I gave him a clear and concise prayer list (the one I have used to stay so calm and rational) but, I know I need to remove myself from this situation.

Okay. Thanks for the talk all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tell your friend about Marriage Builders. He can get a lot of support here. You are right to worry about being vulnerable right now. I even had SF with an old friend! It was a HUGE mistake. After a year and a half of no EN's being met by my WH, I was very vulnerable to the first person who did anything nice. So be very careful.

Well, I am not currently at that stage of the game. I am fairly comfortable with the way my WH left me. Yep... full of love, and bam... heartache.

Anyway. I love my H and would not in any way jeopardize that.

And, I am being careful. Thanks Believer.