And, that is what I am thinking. If I continue to harass him (and yes, it looks like harassment... because we have NO contact) it will only drive him further in to the affair, won't it?

I love my H. More than anything.

LG has a good perspective as a FWH

however.... a clear and resounding "BACK THE HECK OFF"

makes "Plan A" more irritating
hence less effective

he's not around currently

WH is a different creature <~~~ do you love HIM???

It is a lawyer's letter... However, if you are a co-worker, and you know WH has been telling everyone I am crazy... and you see me showing up at work, what are your thoughts going to be?

The minute I leave, he is going to tell them that I am stalking him, etc. Which, he is already trying to do, because the letter also states I have followed him around, which is completely false. He claims he has "seen" my car at his ball games... not true.

I have some pride too.

No, he's a jerk. Can't stand him.

that's fine

but do you have a lawyer letter of your own as well?

What do you mean?

get a cease and desist letter

(defamation of character at your place of EMPLOYMENT is probably actionable)

That is a thought. Thank you Pep.

NWTT:

I'm sorry if your not getting it.

You state this:


But that's the M that lead to him starting an Affair with someone else, moving out, hiding from you, gaining thirty pounds and telling everyone else that you are a stalker and crazy. All in about four months.

So, your M wasn't "Golden". Sorry.

Mine wasn't either.

I found out what was wrong with my boundaries and worked with my BS to fix them. And I'm not heading for any A's now. I can even talk to my W about women who I feel might want to get to close. And we watch together.

Your H is defective. So was I. I fixed it. Can your WH?

If you want to save your M, decide how you are going to save it.

You can make yourself available to your WH to allow yourself to be considered an alternative to the OW.

Might you get thrown out of your WH's place of employment? Yes. But you have talked with the Manager. Let him know what you are planning on doing. Visiting your H for 15 minutes at lunch time and bringing him lunch. Give him the heads up. Your WH wants to create a scene? so be it.

You can wait for the A to end. This can take six months, or two years, or five years. Read Silent Lucidity's thread.

Or you can disappear into plan B and wait for the D to be final whenever that happens. Be the Killer B.

But make a choice.

Your WH is ignoring you. You didn't like my advice, fine.

Pep is right as well. If you are irritating him, then STOP.

But if you are putting a burr under the saddle of his A, then that is a good thing.

And you should do that.

But if you are Afraid of him because he had his attorney write a letter, and he's telling mutual friends that you are crazy, then agree with him, and go to plan D.

Because he is defective.

Sorry I lost my stripes on your thread, Maybe all the other FWH can chime in....

LG

The best thing to do is to LURE him to you...ENTICE him...NOT to PUSH yourself on him...

Can you happen to show up places where he is..and say.."OH, HI"

How did you meet? What FIRST ATTRACTED YOU to HIM in the first place?

ETA: I don't know the details of your situation, Sorry...

I'm weighing in somewhere BETWEEN LG and PEP..

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

and .... avoid getting arrested !!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Enticing him is one thing... but he does not GO anywhere.

Because I exposed the affair, my WH has not been seen. Period. Before exposure, he was out having a ball.

LG, I understand what you are saying... but, like I said. Bringing him lunch so that it gets thrown out? I did that... and look what it got me. I'm not made of money here. lol

He does find out where I have been. People talk. I play softball two nights a week. People tell WH I was at the bar with the team after. And, I have fun. He plays on different nights in his men's league (my coach is on his team... and WH is NOT having fun)

I am Plan A'ing myself. Isn't that the point? To make myself look irresistable? He knows I am out there... and he knows what I am doing. But, if he is hiding at his little OW's house, I can't really do much more.

Mimi, WH and I met at a coffee shop. I was 18 at the time, adn we "hung out" there. WH was not someone I saw myself with when I met him... until he pursued me. I was in love within a month. We just hung out together. Had a great time... up until he left.

I can't tell you what happened. I can tell you he had the 30 bug... dreaded turning 30. Did he feel he missed something? Couldn't tell ya.

But, he loves me. Told our friend that the day we were "getting back together"... Why he said that? I have no clue. But, it was what he said.

Soooo...he likes to be the PURSUER....

How did he do this?

What are some of his FAVORITE THINGS that he usually can't RESIST???

I'll tell the whole story.

I met WH through a friend. I had been seeing someone (not at all serious... more like a couple of dates then just sort of said... yeah not gonna work)

Anyway, WH was his friend. I just saw him around for a couple of months. Not a big thing,.. didn't even know his name (I remember him though)

So, we sat and talked one night. Ended up being the only ones left there, and we just kept chatting. Next night, same thing. Only, that night, we were there late. Did not realize the time... and I paid dearly when I got home. Anyways, that night I had given him my number... because I really liked him.

He called the next day, and we agreed to meet with friends. He ended up driving me home, and from that day on... we were inseperable.

We used to hang out at his place and watch tv, movies, etc. Pretty much the same thing since day one.

ETA: his favourite things? Tough to say because he has never really relied on any ONE thing. He loves food... any kind of food. Big eater. (and was thin as a board) Is always munching. He's also a huge baseball fan. Loves the sport. Kinda got out of watching it on tv (aside from World Series) but loves to get to the game. I had made plans for a weekend getaway for us this year. Now, I am sitting here wondering who is going with me.

Mimi, what would be the best way to go about this? Seeing as he is avoiding the world, and does not see me as much a I would like.

I know word gets back about me, and I know he asks about me. (must be during his saner moments)

I thought of something. Last time I really spoke to him, I made the comment that he should always remember where his home is. I made a mistake though. Maybe I should have just flat out said, "Come home. I need you there." I beat around the bush to put a bug in his ear, but didn't flat out say what I felt.

Should I give this some time before I say this to him?

A couple of thoughts...

I think you should MOVE SLOW and not be TOO PUSHY...

So one thought is A CARD..has to be SPECIAL though that would be MEANINGFUL to JUST the TWO OF YOU....It should say something SIMPLE like "MISSING YOU"...

You want to play up the FRIENDSHIP..that's all you wanting right now...NOT REALLY..but I think YOU TWO could possibly reach ONE ACCORD on this RIGHT NOW....

Another thought is some sort of GIFT..A SPECIAL GIFT..again with a CARD that does not SAY MUCH..."This made me think of you"...AN OBJECT that reminds him of YOU..that it would be hard for him to TRASH...an AUTOGRAPHED BASEBALL(?)

For my H, for example, it would have been a PLANT because he LOVES GARDENING...

The thing is, the OW does not know the SPECIAL THINGS that you know about him..she does not have the HISTORY with him..they are just getting to know each other....

LET HIM THINK THAT YOUR PRIMARY GOAL IS TO BE HIS FRIEND..you know, "FOR OLD TIMES SAKE"...

Thank you Mimi.

Where do I send this card?

I could mail it to his parents... but then I am not guaranteeing he will receive it.

Or, could I have a friend drop it off?

Not sure how to proceed.

About a month or so ago, I gave WH a gift that I found for him... was baseball memorabilia. That was the day I told him he could come home.

Can you have something DELIVERED to his office?

Or send THE CARD by mail but requiring SIGNATURE?

Or have a FRIEND deliver it to him?

Whatever YOU think would WORK BEST....but make sure he get it in HIS HAND...

The BASEBALL GIFT was GREAT!!

Maybe back it up with another GIFT...

You want him to SENSE YOUR PRESENCE IN THE WORLD...hovering around out there somewhere...so that he continues to get a WHIFF of you...

I also had another gift waiting for him. Tickets for a game. I got them a while back in hopes things would turn around... (and knowing it would be hard to get them at a later date)

The games aren't until late in the summer, so should I mention them? Or wait?

When I gave WH the gift a month and a bit ago, he was grateful. Said, thanks. Asked where I had found it, etc. I think was about the same time now that he told our friends about us working things out.

Best idea would be to have someone drop it off... just not sure who. WH is completely avoiding all of our friends save two (the ones he confides in, not realizing we talk more than he thinks)

I worry that is they get too close, he will shy away from them. Should that be a concern?