I really don't know how to start this. What I do know is I need someone to talk to. So this is a good way to vent I guess.
I don’t fit into the just found out spectrum, or I do I don’t know. I always had a feeling and these are past events, but they pertain to now as when they happened we were engaged, to me that meant almost exactly the same thing as being married it means completely faithful until you are 100% sure and get married. I found out how she felt about it after the fact. I had many suspicions before, but always tried to will them away and wish I was wrong.
I don’t want to go on and on though I could. I’ll start with what I am trying to cope with right now. 1 year ago when we moved into this apartment we were almost exactly $200 short on the move in cost. She magically came up with the money. Said she was upset about it and a friend at work gave her a loan that she would have to pay back until she could afford it. She always talks all the time about her 2 female friends at work. So I took her at her word, although something in my gut felt there was something wrong, it was just the way she acted about it and to tell the truth I think all people believe in intuition.
To make a long story short, this feeling I had led me to hack her work email account and monitor her every move from her cell phone and the rest. I found out she was seeing someone. I called her on it and she admitted he gave her $100 of the $200, I knew this was a lie already as there was a message from him wanting her to go visit him @ lunch on her day off. She declined, but she had to work the next day anyway. So, at this point I already knew he had given her the full $200. I explained to her that as a man we do not give away money unless we expect something in return. She swore he was a nice guy….. He did it out of the kindness of his heart. At this point I had not called her on everything. She still thought I thought he’d only given $100. Hence from here on out I followed her every move.
Something I guess she didn’t take into account is the fact I used to work at the same place and got her the job there. So I had eyes and ears everywhere.
I am at this point. She started with the lies of the money. Moved on to the fact they got along really well and was attracted to him ( I already knew this as she had pictures of him not wearing a shirt in a “special” folder in her email) Then I drove to her workplace and saw them being friendly mostly. She was holding his arm and they were just talking nothing conclusive. Every time I have confronted her she has sworn to that nothing more than “this or that” happened, but she lets slip a little more. It’s come to the point 1 year later she admitted she made out with him and she thought I already knew that and that’s what I’d seen not cuddling. Fact of the matter is I know a lot more than that. I know that she took long lunches and ripped the employer off by mot clocking out before lunch and she forgot. I know that they got busted making out in the parking lot. I know that he came to work on her lunches so meet her on his days off. I know she left work early on occasions and had short paychecks which she claims are clerical errors. I know this all happened 1 year ago. I know 100% she’s been faithful since we’ve been married. I just want her to tell me the whole truth and want to stop crying when I let her sleep to take care of our new born babies. And to say the rest…. She was seeing him when we were trying to get pregnant and have a child. I don’t know the full extent of what she did, but I know she’s not telling me everything as it is. I just want to know how to get it out of her. She sincerely seems to want to work on us and shows nothing but love and commitment now. She doesn’t understand that the past in my eyes means that she may do the same in the future. I’ve been waiting for the truth and baiting her to tell it for a long time now. I truly love her and she’s faithful now. I know where she goes what she does every minute of the day and everything she does online and on her phone. There’s a lot more to this. But, I just needed to vent this part.
I must go now... I’m starting to cry.

I am so sorry about your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> If you repost your story on General Questions 11 (its 3 or 4 lines down from "Just found Out") you will get sooooo much more response over there. My prayers are with you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi there! So sorry your here at all but want you to know that your not alone. One thing that I know I would do if I were you....I woud find a way to get that 200.00 and I would take it directly to HIM in person. Get the monkey off your back first. If not him at least the fact that you are where you are because of him....that in and of itself has to be playing games with your mind!

I would start there. Confront the OM and then make a stance with your W and disclosure of the TRUTH.

Atruheart

Wow. You have a situation on your hands mate.

Don't think you are alone or wthout weapons. This is a great place to get the help and tools you need to restore some righteousness in your lives.

Firstly it reeks of an affair from here. Sorry mate but it does. Your W is showing symptoms of fogginess and lying despite saying she is "back".

You are right be be suspicious of her new "commitment" to your marriage. It sounds difficult and complex but theres a few things I think you need to do right now :

1. Detach.
MB is a set of proven techniques that can accelerate the end of an affair, and can manage BS hurt. It is not a way to force your WW to do anything. You have to realise that whether you have a GREAT MB day or a bad one, the decision to stay or go will be made at a near-subconscious level by your WW. So concentrate on your plan A without worrying that you are making things worse. Things can't get worse than having an entitled WW banging an OM.

2. Once you have detached you can start working with the tools you HAVE.
You need to invest in yourself - recognise the habits you got into that were not productive in husbandry and change them. Also identify those emotional needs that your WW has that you can meet under the current difficult circumstances and do it.
Note that it is not the direct focus of your WW that will notice the changes for the better in you, it will be her heart's "peripheral vision". Consistency of goodness, unsung is what overcomes the WS active rewriting of history and casting you as a baddie in their movie. Its not about gestures.

Identify your personal boundaries - the minimum behaviours you require in order to stay committed to your marriage.
Mine are :
* Permanent NC and Total transparency - give me no reason to police you
* Take all action to protect me from further hurt
* Learn about why FWS had the affair and take action to prevent it recurring.

I would divorce Squid even now over persistent violations of these boundaries.

Yours may be different. You need them so you have an external measure of how you ar ebing treated so as to retain your dignity.

3. Move on in all but fidelity.
Invest in yourself. get fit, if you already aren't. Fashion up, if you're not. Dress to impress. Smell great. Go out with friends often and make sure your WW sees how great you look and that she doesn't know exactly where you're going.

Protect your finances , assets and guardianship of yor kids.

This REALLY worked with Squid. Made the reality that she was threatening to lose me come home to roost.

BUT !! Guard against flirting or spending time wth women. You are vulnerable right now. Stay with male friends.

4. Lock up your taker UTTERLY.
Nothing is a sickening and anti-MB than a needful BS.
I actually 180'ed Squid. Stopped all non platonic touch, no kisses. ILY became "I care". This coupled with investment in myself and being as attractive as I could be drove Squid WILD.

You aren't likely to get any cuddles or lovin' for a while. Best LOCK UP that hope for now. Really.

5. Unlock the door.
I know this sounds crazy. But its only a PRETEND lock you have on the door to your marriage right now.

Tell your WW "look baby, I love you and I'll work as hard as I possibly can on building a new marriage with you if you want, but I won't force you to. I want you, but I do not need you. If you leave or continue your affair I'll be sad,but I will survive. I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity for very long, as much as I want this marriage. You need to do what you think is right"

In a nutshell, thats it.

All blessings