I'm working my plan. I'm in plan A. I've read 'His Needs Her Needs'. I work part time as a consultant out of the home, but she is the larger bread winner. I thought we had a mutual understanding regarding this, but I think her envy has poisoned her along with the OM. We have three kids 15, 12, 12; been married 20 years. Wife wants to divorce me. She is in an affair with a married co-worker (what a scum he is). He's screwed up his second marriage, his wife is recovering from cancer. In his first marriage, he left 3 small children, now he's potentially leaving a 10 year old. Isn't he evil incarnate? Can't say much better for the wife though.

My wife recently said he's going back to his wife. Don't know if it's true. She still wants to end marriage. I'm interviewing for a full-time position to get myself set for Plan B. Home environment is very comfortable. Only had one major love-buster event, but every time I say 'no' to a divorce, or moving out, she gets angrier.

Have been hugging her regularly and trying to talk to her regularly, but she signals that this is annoying. Have taken over almost all household duties. I'm working on four of the five needs in the book, but the fifth need (money) is taking time. I read six months for plan a followed by plan b. Kids are distressed; everyone is seeing a psychiatrist except for the wife (she's fine). Wife is consuming 'Metabolife'. I've asked her to stop. I see behavioral changes (makes her more intense).

I love my wife (despite her destructive behavior), but she is oblivious to the affects her behavior is having on the kids. It's hard; very painful and hard. The whole family knows, more and more friends are finding out. I have not confronted her employer yet.

Advice or comments from men in similar situations would be appreciated.

I am very sorry what you are going through.
First, contact the OM's wife immediately.
Second, contact an attorney immediately to understand your options and to protect yourself. If your wife has been talking divorce then it is a pretty good bet that she may have already spoken to an attorney herself.
Third, get tested for STD's.
Fourth, expose the affiar to relatives, friends, work and anyone that would have an affect on her. Adultry trives on secrecy. Expose the affair immediately. I wish you luck.

Actually Bryanp, my attorney has strongly, strongly advised me against contacting the OM wife. What is the benefit with talking with her? I know her. I know the other man, since he works with my wife. I've been to their home before.

Does the OMW know about the A? If not, she should know.

The A should also be exposed at their workplace.

You need to expose the A to her employer and also to the OMW. I cannot imagine WHY an attorney would strongly advise you to NOT contact the OMW. On what grounds?

If you want the A to end, you need to expose to everyone. If the OMW knew, the A would be much harder to continue.

Yes the OMW does know. She confronted my wife at work.

I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to my wife's employer just yet. I need to get to plan 'b' with a full time job first. There is a boss subordinate issue at play here and they both may get fired. In the long run, my wife losing her job is a good thing, but I need to make sure my kids are feed the next few months. In the mean time, I'm interviewing.

It's a vicious 'catch-22', 'rock and a hard place', 'darn if you do darned if you don't' deal. I feel like I'm slogging my way through darkness. My wife sleeps in another room and she is usually very cold or resentful toward me. It's terrible.

The longer you wait, the more entrenched this A becomes. If you expose your W's A at work, and she gets fired, your kids arent going to starve. You will have plenty of time to find a job and do whatever it takes.

If you dont act, kiss your M goodbye. It is tht simple.

I would expose at work as soon as you can. The consequences that happen are entirely your W's.

Stay in Plan A, which is being pleasant, showing what a good husband you can be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments. Since the OM's wife knows, and the job knows, the affair may end. An affair often can't survive reality.

Chances are excellent that he will go back to his wife, as they usually do. She may SAY she still wants a divorce, but that changes too. So hang in there, get in Plan A, and stay there.

If you start going crazy, come here and vent. We understand.

This sounds so familiar. I was concerned about my W losing her job as well. So I gave into my fears and didn't raise a fuss about her continuing to work with the OM. One of the decisions I stil regret - I think it significantly delayed out R.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

The above post was shamelessy stolen from "Pep" (Thanks Pep!)

Wakingthefield, thanks! I've seen that carrot and stick approach on the discussion forum before. It confirms what I've been trying to do.

So everyone, you've got me thinking about calling my wife's boss and talking to him and exposing the affair at work. I think a lot of folks at her work already know. I'm not sure any more that talking to her boss will result in any action. I think talking to her boss is a love buster. I'd like some feedback on this.

Thanks.

P.s. Some of you might notice how this post shows how confused I am at this. This is the most difficult time in my entire life, and my wife, my love, 1/2 my sole, is some sort of possessed, evil, manipulative, narcassistic, self-centered, MTV watching, immature, teenager. Transformed in just 6 months! WTF??? Get this, she even told a group of teenage girls in a car pool all about her affair with the OM!!! Then swore them to secrecy. She was just one of the girls, which resulted in some confrontations with the girls' mothers. Where's the paddy wagon?

Just one little note on exposure.

It should take the form of a large tsumani of TRUTH! It is best to expose to those whom can make a difference / influence your WW at the same time.

Incremental exposure gives the waywards time to come up with a cover story / to spin the exposure to not be as [email]d@mning[/email] to them.

Make no mistake, your WW will not be angry with you, She will be FURIOUS!! She will likely spout words and vile like you have never witnessed before! Be prepared for this!

Your M CAN survive your W's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair!

Bringing the A to the attention of the company means that they can not longer ignore / feign ignorance of the A and it will compell the Company to act in it's own self interest.

Stay Strong!

Justkim, what would you talk about with the OMW? She already knows. My wife tried to recently tell me that the OM is going back to her. I don't know if I believe her, but I don't know what I would say to her that matters. Even if she tells me that my wife's statement to me is untrue, at this point what difference does it make? On course to lay the plan 'a' foundation, followed by plan 'b'.

I'd like to hear more.

If you can compare notes with OMW you will both be better able to help each other restore your marriages / determine what your WS's are up to. Where, When, etc...

Everyone, I had two tough but useful conversations with my wife last night and this morning. I found out the OM has been fired. He's negotiating a severance and is losing his job. YEA!

I was also able to put on the table a whole lot of issues with my wife without any love busters on my part. In the past I would become flooded with emotion and have to stop before I lost my mind, but I was able to talk calmly and maturely with my wife for a very long time last night and this morning. My wife walked away from the conversation once, and she's full of fury and resentment, but I'm getting much better at conversation with her. It's like working with an adolescent. Conversation is definitely one of my wife's greatest needs. Do these tough conversations count toward the 15 hours a week of undivided attention?

My wife is becoming more secretive about things and that's bad. My wife would not allow me to hug her; more problems to contend with.

I also had more conversations with friends; shining light on our marital problems and her infidelity.

Believer, thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it. Have you come from a similar experience? I'm struggling to find other successful outcomes to similar situations such as mine. Finding hope helps me endure these awful days.

ManInMotion, so you had a successful outcome? Can you tell me about your experience? Finding hope helps me endure these awful days.

Well, it depends on how you measure "success". I'm I still M'd to my FWW? Yes. And for the most part we are quite happy. But the recovery rollercoaster ride hasn't finished yet, my W is a different person in my eyes and sometimes I do wonder if I really did the right thing by trying to recover our M.

I think it's actually much harder for Ms to recover when the W is the WS - I remember reading somewhere that almost 78% of Ms where the W was the WS eventually fail. Not very good statistics. I guess it's harder for men to accept a WS, and for W to fall back in love with their Hs after having an A with someone else.

I think it's good news that the OM was fired. In my case, my FWW eventually left the job. After the A ended and the magnitude of what she did began to hit her, she left more out of shame than anything else. The OM still works there, in fact got a promotion. I'm still upset with myself that I didn't expose at their office immediately after finding out about the A - in not doing so, I basically protected the OM from the consequences of his actions.

My advice to you at this point - try avoiding the long drawn out conversations at this point in your recovery, unless your W is doing most of the talking. Just show that you're there for her, even when she's not there for you.

ManInMotion, I wouldn't say I'm in recovery, but your comment above has me thinking. Tell me more, please, because I've been actually working in the opposite direction.

I've been assuming that my wife's biggest need is her need for conversation. I work hard at talking with her. I've gotten a lot better at talking to her about her emotions even though they are angry emotions directed at me. I can remain calm, take the punches and be loving and mature as she slams me.