Hi, Please read. I really need some advise:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3237076

Welcome. The problem you describe is a sexual fetish which has always been around. I think there are more men who fantasize about it than actually act it out. We've had a couple here.

But the problem is him desiring something that you are not comfortable doing (and then getting hurt feelings to boot).

It sounds to me like he needs some IC for sex addiction.

How is the rest of the marriage?

You have received very specific and advice of a high quality over on just found out. You unlikely to hear anything different here, just more of the same.

By definition, your husband is NOT a grown up. His moral compass doesn't exist. He is screwed up in the head. He needs help. Given that he doesn't have much respect for you, then it is obvious that you cannot help. Forget nuturing him, he won't hear a thing you say even if he appears to be listening.

Work on getting your own head on straight and developing a plan how YOU want to live. Then go forth and live your life.

Larry

jalynnsprouts,

I have to respectfully disagree with Larry. I think it would help if you printed out my post and showed it to him.

Sometimes people eroticize that which they most fear. That is why he thinks he wants you to be with other men, but as soon as you do he panics and gets jealous. Then later he seems to change his mind again. The reason is that fear increases adrenalin, which can make sex much more exciting.

The last thing he wants is for you to develop an emotional connection to one of these other guys. But he needs to understand that for a lot of people, and I think this may be true for you, it's hard to have a sexual connection without their also being an emotional connection. Sex is a very intensely emotional experience, so even sex with someone you don't know well is rarely "just sex." He needs to understand that.

But he's thinking that giving up this fetish means giving up his adrenalin high. I'm not so sure that's true. Maybe he could replace this fetish with something that would be more acceptable and respectful to you. Watching a scary movie together might work (as long as it's something that really does scare him. For some people, thrillers work better than horror movies, which are often more gory than scary.) Or you could try on a dominatrix role if you're comfortable with that, and scare him that way. I've read that most guys with this fetish are naturally submissive anyway. In any case, it's something you should talk about together and decide on a solution you both can be enthusiastic about, as per POJA.

Oh one other thing after reading the responses on the other post...I don't think labeling him as an "addict" is going to help. It's just going to make him think you're being prudish and don't understand. And the longer he feels deprived of his adrenalin high the more he's going to obsess over his fetish. So he needs some sort of substitute you can be happy with that will give him the same feeling. After all, adrenalin is not cocaine. It's something the body makes naturally and something we need from time to time.

Thankyou to everyone who responded to my post. This weekend has been very rough and very tiring. Friday started off good. He picked up our youngest son and took him to run errands while I went to an apt. I then met the two of them at McDonalds for lunch. Our 4 year old played while we talked. Later we went back to our house so he could say Hi to the older boys (they just got back from school). My mom and her H took the boys to a movie while H and I got some alone time. We went to a couple stores and got a few things we needed.

He agreed that he would stay for dinner as I had stuff to BBQ etc. So my mom and her H and kids all came home from movie and we had a really nice BBQ. Things seemed to be fairly relaxing. A friend of ours stopped by (my sigle friend) and she hung out with us most of the night. We all ended up drinking and talking and things were good. H did fall off the wagon many times with making rude comments etc, but for the most part he was good.

I ended up sneaking into another room and called his brother. I ended up begging him to come over with us all. He denied. Shortly after that my H said he was going home (to his hotel room) and he kissed me and said "Please dont call my brother and beg him to come over anymore". I said Ok and that was that!

Saturday there was a large BBQ being held at his brothers (same one as above) and his family invited us. H was reluctant but said ok. We went and I thought everything went great! I visited with everyone alot and made many attempts to give H some touching/affection, and barely spoke to the brother, except for a few times.

So we are on our way home and H seems mad. He said he thinks I still have feelings for his brother and that I ignored him (H) all night and gave all my attention to his brother. That was so wrong!!!!! The purpose of the whole BBQ was because H's mom brought over a nice coworker who she was trying to set up with this brother. I talked with coworker almost entire evening and encouraged brother and her to "get together".

H and me started fighting and yelling horribly. I walked out and left. I took a long walk alone. My mom and her H were still here visiting from out of town. My mom was so worried that she called a good friend of mine who knew where I probably went. She came there and we sat on this rock wall together and talked....I cried! After about an hour I went home. H and I fought more and more and he ended up leaving. I went to bed. he went on a long walk and got home around 2ish?

Today things seem better. We talked. He is super mad that I called his brother. I said I was sorry and that I didnt know why I did. I have been used to having the brother here alot. We talked alot, my mom went back home today and now we are on our own.

SOooooooooooooo brother in law calls a little bit ago and said he talked to this girl he was being set up with and she wanted us all to get together (with kids too) and go bowling. Brother in law is very shy and really wants us to come along. Plus this girl said she really hit it off with me. So now what????? H says we can go, but it seems like even if I dont do anything wrong that he sees wrong. Obviously we arent going to get away from his brother easily as he is family and lives very close, plus I watch his child in my daycare.

I am so exhausted. Both H and I have another counceling session on Monday at 6pm. Then H has his own counceling apt Wednesday with a sex addiction therapist. We found that in our town 2 nights a week there is meetings for love and sex addicts. These meetings are FREE!!!!! I am so excited! He wants to meet others in similar situation that he can use for a support system. So far things are starting to look as though there is a tiny light. Also we are looking at consumer credit counceling for the HUGE debt we have incurred with his spending addiction (part of the sex addiction).

Hope to know more after our counceling session tommorrow night.

J

You really need to have no contact with his brother. I know it would be difficult, but I don't see healing until that happens.

It's good that your husband is going to counseling. I think that will help.

Ah, found you again at last. Bump.

We just got back from MC and both are feeling good.

First let me say that things last night (possible double date with his brother and new friend) didnt happen. Luckily they couldnt get their act together until much later than anticipated so I said we better not go due to overtired kids....whew!

Anyways, back to MC session. We talked about me calling his brother Friday night. She asked me why I did. I fgured out I called because I am used to having him around so much. He was like a silent support. A little background on him besides the obvious affair. H worked, went to college and then worked overtime. When he was here he was sleeping or doing homework. It was completely grueling and I was severly lonely. Around the same time his brother started to regain more custody of his son and needed me to babysit him (he is now 10).This was last summer. So after work brother in law would come here (H was always gone until at least 11:00ish), he would sit here, have dinner with all of us, hang out here, help me with the kids etc. Kids would all go to bed and he and I would have alone/talk time. This started around May of last year and continued at this rate until just a couple months ago. We didnt have the A until Septemer 06 (Labor day weekend).

Ok, so our MC was shocked when she heard how strongly he had been in our relationship. She said she can see how things developed and why I haave an emotional attachment to him. That being said she said IF we want the marraige to work that I have to completely quit talking to his brother for the most part. She said all phone calls made to brother in law for family get togethers or whatever need to be made by H. She said when/if brother is here that I dont invite him to stay and if he does occasionally stay here for dinner or whatever that the main conversation is between H and brother.......not me and brother.

I forgot to mention to her that I am still watching his son. This may end within a month though. MC also suggested that H may possibly have to say something to his brother about not calling me as much and to go through him vs me about stuff.

One thing H and I found interesting was that over the weekend when brother had this BBQ at his house, the blind date showed up. Brother hid in another room, called me and said "HURRY and come over here PLEASE". H says obviously his brother relies on me for support as well.

Another thing we discussed was sex. We have been having issues knowing the right things to do in an addiction case and both feeling rather awkard. MC told us that we can have sex completely as long as its healthy sexual relationship. Of course she talked about this and explained this much much further.

MC also showed us this "Circle of Security" model/drawing thing. It was really helpful. Its for all kinds of relationships, with kids, friends and spouses etc.

So tonight I am feeling a bit scared being told I cant contact brother in law for support. Only because I dont want to mess up. She said it will be hard at first for me to do. I am assuming this is like the NC talked about here.

I realllllllllllllly want to get some of the materials from this website. I feel they will be really helpful. Last night H and I spent aprox 40 minutes both doing some silent reading (our own self help books). It was nice. Then we ended the night cuddling.

It's so odd how up and down things go with this. I mean some days are so bad and awful that I am sure our marriage isnt going to survive, and then others have so many positive things happen that there is hope.

We still have a very long ways to go. H has his first individual apt with the sex therapist on wednesday. I am really curious as of how that will go. Our MC will be out of town for awhile so we have to go all the way to the 8th before we see her again. That feels so long. I may be on here alot more looking for advise.

Thankyou all so so so much for everything on here. It has truley been a HUGE support for me.

J