For the last three years my spouse and I have struggled to find some recreational activity to share, and we have found nothing that either of us like enough to enjoy with one another. We've tried everything from poetry reading at coffee shops to fishing trips in the great outdoors to online games. What do you do when you simply don't enjoy spending time with your spouse at all?

I partially blame myself, as I have been highly independent since my birth - my mother was disturbed at times by the fact that her infant child desired to spend more time focused on playing alone with toys or whatever was handy, than with other children. All through my childhood, into my teen years, and still to this day, my most rewarding recreational time has been spent alone on intense mental challenges, immersed in nature, or in loose 'alone in the crowd' settings where conversation is light and brief, or everyone is focused on some group activity that does not require a great deal of interpersonal relationship.

My spouse has a great desire for high physical activity such as sports, biking, and hiking, where as I have a great desire for solving complex puzzles, reflecting quietly on art, nature or music, and enjoying solitude.


Any suggestions on how to bridge this gap?

Go camping. Your spouse can hike, swim, etc. You sit in the sun and read. In the evening, play chess under a Coleman lantern.

Try rock climbing.
A combination of complex puzzles, nature and physical activity.

Bring magazines to a baseball game-put a podcast on your ipod for a motorcycle ride-whatever it takes

We haven't been able to do that until recently due to the ages of our children. We might be able to now that the youngest is at least potty trained.

Work is also a problem as my spouse's job has him working 70+ hours a week. He's often so exhausted he doesn't have time to do much more than come home and drink a couple of beers to try to make himself relax before bed. He often can't sleep, and has been seeking medication and therapy for anxiety issues. Sleeping medication, even combined and aggressive insomnia treatments, have not allowed him to sleep reliably.

As you make this suggestion it occurs to me that I may have built up an aversion to spending time with him as well, as most recreational time spent with him in the early years of our marriage, up until the last few, were him turning me into a pack mule to watch after the kids and hold his jacket and drink and clubs for him while he had a great time golfing or hiking or whatever.

Seems like you have much bigger fish to fry than finding common recreational activities. Namely, you are detached because he is never home. I would focus first on spending 15 hrs a week together, avoiding lovebusters and doing your best to meet each others needs.

Do you have His Needs, Her Needs?

Is it also possible that one picks one activity one day and the other picks the next activity? You can trade off back and forth on who plans which activity so that both of you get to do things you like and still spend time with your spouse. You can also take turns planning date nights out, more romantically focused time together. I am sure that you will find something to do together that will please both of you eventually. Just don't give up...

Indy,

Did you find the Recreational Inventory on this website? Print it out...and go over it with your DH. It's a hoot. We loved going through it.

Next, how about the esoteric approach to commonality? What you both experience together, for the first time, is part of the attraction for RC...rather than the specified RC event. Doing what is new helps break our DJs, as well...as to what we will or won't like. Widening ourselves...challenges us to gain intimacy from expanding our comfort zones...and doing so together, grows our marriage.

What are your babies like? Are they like you were?

LA