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Please help me! We have been married for about 6 years, and I noticed that from the beginning that he had some issues with porn...But he always had good excuses!! We've started to have some problems with our intimacy (like once a month) and I thought he just didn't like being intimate with me.
I want him to stop, But he is denial!!Then I catch on his computer a lots of pics and downloading videos on the internet.
I'm very Angry with his denial and tired of him throwing his craps on me...such as lying and saying that I'm extremelly jealous and obssessive with it ....
Should I leave? I'm Christian and I do NOT accept this situation in our lives!! I'm 8 months pregnant (I just lost a Baby boy last July due premature labor) and had a to be in bed rest for this one....
He claims to be a Christian, and is active in our church, yet he feels like this is capable to advice people!!
I feel so betrayed and disappointed.
I could handle this if he would come to me (as , and tell me he is struggling, or he has looked at it, but I only find out if I catch him! I asked him if he would be willing to go to a Counseling, but he said that nothing is happing.
This has really damaged my trust for him... several times he has looked at me and lied, when I have evidence to the contrary!! what should I do?
Any advice, or support would be greatly appreciated. [color:"green"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color]

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(((GRACHINHA)))
This is such a tragic topic. Try to do some searches on this specific topic or "sexual addiction" posts to find some suggestions for good books to read on the topic.

Satan has found a way to work his devious ways on the internet and with porn. You need to set some boundaries and get into some counselling...even if for yourself only first.

My WH was in denial for a very long time and even now with the acting out being longer periods of time in between, he is still in denial. It's a very sick behavior that is super hard to stop. Can you talk with a religious leader to help him and you both?


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6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Welcome to MB, Gracinha. Wish it could have been under better circumstances.

First, let me tell you how sorry I am about your loss last July. There are no words that can really make anyone understand what you have gone through.

Seondly, let me just chime in from a guy’s point of view about the problem that the two of you have. I hope that it will be helpful.

It is difficult for women to understand why guys are so fascinated by porn. But you have a very serious problem in your marriage. If you need to solve this problem, you first need to really understand what guys (or rather, your guy) see in these images, what it means to them and to you. Unfortunately for you and women everywhere, the fact is that guys just like to look at pictures of naked women. It is just something that guys like to do. Sorry. The question is what do we do about it.

Let me give you the good news first. Please know that the use of porn does not mean that he does not love you. It does not mean that he is dissatisfied with you sexually. It does not mean that he is dissatisfied with your looks or that he wants someone who looks “better”. It does not mean that he wants you to dress more provocatively, or do thing in bed differently. It does not mean that he wants to cheat on you or leave you. It does not mean that he is somehow a sexual deviant.

The bad news is that there is very little that you can do about this. The reason is that this is about him, not about you. Do not think that trying to put out will make him be drawn to porn any less. Do not try to compete sexually with porn. You wont win, because you are not in a race with porn. Making love to you and enjoying porn are in his mind two different things.

What you need to do about this is to communicate openly with him about it. If he views porn and it bothers you, then the two of you need to come up with some sort of a solution together. You can’t have the attitude that porn is simply unacceptable, nor can he have the attitude that he just has to be more careful in hiding it.

The real big problem that I see in your relationship is not his use of porn, but the fact that he hides it from you, and that he lies about it. In order for the two of you to have a healthy relationship, you need to be honest with each other. You need to be open to his explanations why he enjoys porn, he needs to be comfortable in telling you. You need to be able to discuss this or any other problem. What happens if there is a totally different problem (like money, or job, or parents); do the two of you discuss them, or do you keep the other partner in the dark?

If the two of you decide that he should not view porn (I am definitely NOT suggesting this), you need to realize how incredibly difficult it would be for him to stick with it. This is not “I promise not to do that anymore!” “OK… now, what do you want for dinner?” kind of promises. This is pretty much a life-altering experience for him. Don’t underestimate it. You need to talk about his progress, his cravings, etc. on daily or at least weekly basis. You cannot expect to talk about it once, and that’ll be it.

If he gives you the promise not to use porn, it needs to come from his heart, not simply a promise to placate you. He needs to be of such a character, that the next time he is able to enjoy porn, even if you could never find out about it, he should pass. If he gives his word, then he should not enjoy porn because he gave his word, not because he can’t get caught. What I am saying is that do NOT accept his promises until you are sure that he is that kind of a man.


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Hi Grachina,
Hi Before AG (a self confesse3d porn user) gets on here and tells you Im saying what I am because I hate porn I will say straight out yes I do..
Its degrading , destructive and the users IMO are pathetic self serving people lacking in any integrity. (so there it is said and done...you know where Im coming from and I make no apologies for this..I have seen porns destruction first hand and in many other peoples lives.
Although AG is quick to imply porn has no impact ona mans desire or perception of his partner..increasingly the reseaerch is showing this to be false (something many many women could tell you from personal experience in cluding myself. It does make many (not all) men see their partners as less attractive. Here is a link to some recent reseach showing this.
http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/2007/1881621.htm

There are a stack of other ethical and spiritual reasons for not having porn in your life. Whilst I totally disagree with AGs implication that porn is in any way acceptable I do agree with what he said about you having little control over whether your partner uses it. I do believe that if he stops simply to placate you he will probably use it secretly. Therefore , because you have clearly said it is unacceptable to you. I guess all you can do is share that with him and leave the ball in his court. If he chooses to continue using it then honesty I would urge you to consider how much you want to be with this man? At the end of the day the decision as to what you will settle for is entirely in your court...IMO any woman who accept this behaviour from a man is selling herself short (there are of course women who either accept, participate and/or enjoy porn and although I would say these people are seriously lacking in self respect or compassion that is their choice) You dont want it and therefore should not settle for it. There ARE many many men out there who wouldnt dream of supporting this sad exploitative industry regardless of how some users try to sugar coat it and make it sound like 'oh its seperate in his mind and therefore should be accepted' RUBBISH RUBBISH RUBBISH. Porn soes hurt women and therefore any man who wants a self respecting woman should simply not go there. and AG before you get on here and tell me how self respecting your wife is ...SORRY but no she's not! Accepting porn use and having self respect are incompatible


porn is produced predominately by men for men at the expense of women....Over 96% of the WOMEN in porn were sexually abused as kids. Do you really think their in a healthy mind state to make good decisions for themselves. Porn hurts not only these women but all women (even those deluded by a patriarchal society to think porns ok). Porn promotes the viewing of women as sex objects. It does not teach respect for the real values that women offer. and disregards any women who does not fit the mould (ie any women over about 25, one pound overweight, or who shows any signs of having bought life into the world) Im talking mainstream porn here...not the fetish stuff which can be found if sought out. Mainstream porn is what is in the newstands and constantly flashed ina womans face....any man who thinks porn isnt hurting his wifes self image is deluded and selfish...If a man still wants to look at various naked females then simply IMO he SHOULD NOT get married. Most women expect exclusivity and that includes sexual arousal....If she gives you the gift of sharing her beautiful body yet you find that so meaningless that your happy to take the same 'gift' from any women willing to do offer it...then her her eyes what she offers means little to you...these are the men who arnt getting any.....simply because they dont have respect for their partners or any woman.....women know this instinctively....

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Hello guys...Thank you very much for replying my message...

My hubby is not the kind of men opened to discuss that issue...he probably will be willing to discuss that once and then no more...
Unfortunely He will do nothing...I know him...or will leave thing settle down a little and then expecting that I will yield on him...Just because I love him...I don't want to continuing my life like this!! 6 years accepting (believing in his excuses and lies!! I just don't accept his behavior and that is all!!
I'm convicted Christian and I the only bible verse in my mind right now is that when Jesus told that if look at women and in your mind desire her, you had already committed adultery.

I praying that God will guide me in this situation because I will have a baby girl to take care of and myself as well.

He should have more respect for me and the baby, because I having a difficult pregnancy, and I really thought after my baby boy passed way he would change....because the pain of his passing was sooo overwhelming that it has changed me.
i couldn't believe after he held our baby body life less he has not changed a bit!! That's unacceptable!

So we're not speaking with each other and I think he will let things settle down a little and everything is going to be the same.But I'm very focus in solve this huge problem whether or not I divorce him...
I love him very much, but I love myself first. I think he didn't love me anymore.
It is a sad situation...he is extremely nervous person and I wrote on his computer a very disgusting letter after I changed his desktop picture and put a huge big pic (of his porn collection) and he is very pissed with me.

Well what can I do? I was once in the past a cocaine addict and smoked cigarettes, and both was very strong addiction in my life. But once a really wanted to give up these addiction i remember that was hard but not that difficult because God was by my side. I stopped for myself and I didn't need to use counseling or therapist. I just wanted to stop and that was enough to start a new life a new Vanessa.

Well just wanna to thank you guys for take your time to advice me.

I really appreciate :>)

God bless you All, Vanessa [color:"red"] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

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I read these posts...hmmm...

First, let me say I'm really sorry things are going bad.

I read averageguy's post. As harsh as it may sound, I agree with him, for the most part, say 95%. The rest is somewhat subjective from person to person. A man's perspective about porn is sometimes helpful, even if you don't like hearing/reading about it. However....

I think that sometimes, depending on the specific man, porn is somewhat more subjective. As for me specifically, um, this is tough to talk about, but we are all adults here. Every now and then I like to look at pretty women naked. ALL men do. Yep. All men do. (What!? NOT MY HUSBAND!!!) Yes, your husband, too. For me personally, I didn't want to look at it at all early in my relationship with my wife, because she was killing me in bed. Why would I look at porn when I got so much better in real life? As things slow down, every now and then I glance around. And then I don't. Weeks, months go by, and then maybe again. I'm a guy, and there are pretty naked girls to look at. What can I say?

Wife found some once. She got mad. Then a few minutes later, she came to her senses and said, "You're a guy, I don't mind if you look at porn. Just don't let the kids see it." End of discussion. With all due respect to Letmejustsay, sexual arousal in a man's mind is not exclusive. That would be fighting hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Thats not how we are built. We literally wake up, um, in a turgid state. If a man goes long enough with some, um, relief, he will literally do it in his sleep!

Not all porn is 25 year-old women who weigh 100 lbs. That idea is so wrong that I won't even debate it. There is all types. I have no idea if 96% of women in porn were abused as children, but that sounds like bunk to me. Besides, some porn is homemade with husbands/wives. To each his own, I say.

I like to eat. I like the occasional drink. If I eat too much, I get fat. If I drink all the damn time, I will become an alcoholic. Porn is like that. ******, some women like it, too. But just like alcohol, if porn usage is causing problems at work/home, then it is too much!

I'm not defending your man's porn usage. Quite the contrary. If it is causing problems, then it needs to be addressed.

You say you are religious. Just how religious is your husband? I used to be religious, so I can identify with you there. (I'm not anymore)

I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could give you better advice, I just think that we are too different for us to connect via the internet for me to weigh in in a way that would be helpful. I will offer my advice and opinion from an adult male perspective in whatever area you want/need. Just ask away if you think I can be of help after all.

TO LETMEJUSTSAY-- You alluded to a personal experience with porn that was really bad. I don't need to know the details, its just that I respect how you feel. I DO NOT agree with your opinions about some things, though. However, I do want you do read this next part...

I respect you and how you feel. Please do not in any way, shape,or form think that I am attacking you. I'm not. I bet you have a real good reason to feel the way you do. So please, please, please don't take offense to anything I posted, please? Please accept this pat on the back via modem (pat-pat) I'll even buy you a beer, so long as its not a light beer. I hate light beer.

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. I'm a guy, and there are pretty naked girls to look at. What can I say?

ROFL

Im a gal, I want my husband to respect me .What more can I say?


Are you really telling me you cant understand why your wife resents being your sperm repository from your lust over other women???
Seriously dont believe me on the stats, or research that shows it decreases a mans perception of the attractiveness of his partner...It is not simply my experience you know?

I suspect those porn users who say 'oh but my wifes more attractive when I use porn are rally experiencing attraction to the thought of 'getting of' rather than deep intimate lust for their wives....

If it hurts your wife, If your wife feels demeaned why on earth would you continue to do something that hurts her...Is it really sooooo important to you ...regardless of the socio political reasons...

If its so acceptable fellas, if its so 'ok' then stand up declare to the world ...wives, mothers, sisters bosses, female friends etc that you use it...after all AG compares it to a 'hobby' Somehow I suspect you have shame attached because deep down you know you are demeaning all women with your hobby.., I dont deny there is diverse porn IF YOU LOOK FOR IT but the vast majority in the stores IS 20yr old blondes....
Your wife gives you her commitment, your children, and her love WHY would you put her through any pain (eccept AGs wife of course who is a martyr who puts aside her dislike of porn so he can get off to young women)

After studying gender issues I have seen one thing ...men who use porn dont care to learn about the inequaility and injustices around this issue they only care about their own sexual kicks.

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Hello ReprobateMind!!

You are sick!! You're opinion shows that you're kind of men that is lost, selfish, has a lack of self stem and needs to look for help!! I feel sorry for your wife and daughters because they have to live with a guy with no dignity at all, and the worse you think you're right, and that you are normal person...Shame on you man!!


And I agree with haletmejustsay in everything that she said!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

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I'm sorry you feel that way. You asked for advice. I am sorry that it wasn't what you wanted to hear. I won't even attack back. Thats not who I am.

Sincerely, I hope that you and your husband can resolve your issues.

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Just a thought from another mail perspective... Maybe he knows how angry you'll be, so he can't talk to you about it all. We men, innately, hide ourselves in our shell of human existence if we sense danger. Some men, hopefully few, lash out instead, either reaction is unhealthy, but it's hard to reveal a true part of yourself if you know you're going to be attacked by a person you love very much.

The other thought, is you mentioned he doesn't talk about this kind of stuff with you... Maybe he doesn't feel "safe" talking about it, and would rather be safe in his fantasy world than get yelled at.. Read much of the information on here about love busters, and so on. Judging by your reaction to Reprobate and others, this is a very hot issue for you and you get VERY angry over it. I could be wrong, but if I'm right, you'll never get him to share with you what's going on.

Just trust me on this one. It's how some men react. The porn is just an escape mechanism. It's like alcoholics drowning themselves in alcohol to get away from what they need to face. Your H turns to Porn to escape his realty. Possibly... Would need to know more to determine this and a counselor could help in determining this.

You have to realize YOU CANNOT change him or force him to change. By yelling at him or accusing him or belittling him you are only driving him away. What happens when you show an alcoholic that they are an alcoholic? Do they stop drinking? I think not, if anything they drink more to get away from the accusations.

There is something you can do. Learn how to handle addictions properly. Don't just accuse him and yell at him and expect him to change. If it is an actual addiction, (a counselor can help identify if it is or not) then You cannot force him to change. You can draw bounderies, and support him and help him change in a loving manner, but it has to be his decision.

Some women are fine with porn and don't mind it. You hate it. He either uses it to escape, is addicted, both, or is neither, but just enjoys it. You will have to decide what you can do about you. What are your bounderies? If he persists on using it and doesn't get help and shows symptoms of true addiction, will you leave him like a wife may leave an alcoholic husband that refuses to change? Bounderies are what will you do, if behavior A continues.
What you will do if behavior A changes, but not enough. and so on.
You will need to state your bounderies clearly to him. what's the point of drawing a boundery line in the sand, if you don't tell anyone what that boundery means.

He has to know what your bounderies are, (not when you're yelling and accusing him either.. He knows what he's doing, you don't have to point it out all the time, it's pretty ovious you know and he knows you know... )

But, you have to choose your life independant of his. It's something I learned the hard way and am still learning. I thought I could change my W, it turns out, I needed to change myself and put in place hard bounderies, I am seeing her change, because she chooses to change. Your H may choose to change, he may refuse to, you'll have to determine what your bounderies are if he refuses to change.

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P.s. I tried to point this out, but wanted to reiterate this.. Your issues have very little to do with porn and everything to do with your relationship to each other. Others have chosen to justify porn or put it down. People can justify alcohol drinking too. I don't know, would 1 cigerette a month kill you? Maybe, would 1 or two beers a month kill a person, or hurt someone else? Probably not. would occasional porn use change a person's view on women or men? (why do women always think they're being belittled? What about the men in the industry? They are as belittled as the women.-- anyways, not important for this thread.) I doubt it.

The point is that the issues in this relationship have more to do with relationship skills than with porn usage itself.

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P.s. I tried to point this out, but wanted to reiterate this.. Your issues have very little to do with porn and everything to do with your relationship to each other. Others have chosen to justify porn or put it down. People can justify alcohol drinking too. I don't know, would 1 cigarette a month kill you? Maybe, would 1 or two beers a month kill a person, or hurt someone else? Probably not. would occasional porn use change a person's view on women or men? (why do women always think they're being belittled? What about the men in the industry? They are as belittled as the women.-- anyways, not important for this thread.) I doubt it.

The point is that the issues in this relationship have more to do with relationship skills than with porn usage itself.


Hello there...thanks for your opinion...I was angry with REPROBATEMIND because he assured that I had issues with Porn before....And the way that he thinks about women...
I just lost a baby (9 months ago) and having a difficult pregnancy... I know my husband probably have this problem before he know me, way before we got married...
I DO NOT yell at him and we haven't talked about it (we barely talk) since last week, when I caught the pics & downloads on his computer...I just left a note saying the way I feel about this problem...I'm waiting for him to talk to me for us to solve this matter...I think he is ashamed that he doesn't have excuse this time...He is very quiet guy...Of course I'm angry, but I really want to help him (understand and look for help maybe?)...That's why I came to this thread and I thought that everybody here was Christian, and could understand me and give me some "vent" on this problem...One thing I know the pornography is not healthy thing for anybody!! Is an addiction and needs to be cured!!
I hate porn because it is a sin that has broken families all over the world, and besides it opens the door for affairs...

Anyways thanks for your advice and God bless you all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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Hi Grachinha,
I really hope things have improved for you over the past few days.... Regarding your response to Repro ...yes it is true he is a sick man...and so is AG and all the others like hm who find excuses for their own porn use (or their partners), but please take it from me...its not worth getting upset about...I have been visiting this site for some time and you will see most of my posts have related to this topic. I used to get frustrated and upset over the justifications, but then i realised something. These men who justify their porn use....simply dont care, cant stop FULL STOP.
You could give them 1 million good reasons why they should reject the porn industry but the bottom line is that for them THEIR ORGASM is more important than any of the following
- the fact porn does PREDOMINATLY glorify ONLY ONE female body type.
- the fact many many women say it makes them feel degraded.
- the fact that the industry survies through exploiting people who for whatever reason dont know how to make healthy life decsions
- the fact that studies have shown it makes a contributes to many men finding their partners less attractive
- the fact that many of the 'actresses are of 'dubious (at best ) ages
-the fact that many of them made a commitment to 'forsake all others' (and yes the images on paper ARE of other people believe it or not )
- the fact that they are directing their sexual energy outside of therir relationship onto pixels or paper
-the fact that porn encourages them to glorify the bodies of women who look very different to most wives and mother (the very eople most of them are married to)
- the fact that it robs them of the own integrity and self esteem (as alluded to by repro who suggested men are exploited through porn)
-the fact that they are happy for OTHER women to be in porn but not wives mother, sisters etc increasing the problem of madonna/****** syndrome (where men become unable to see women as whole human beings and create a dichotomy in their mind)..

If even ONE of these is true for a man I have could never understand why HIS SEXUAL kicks are more important than even one of these points...But I know from reading what AG and Repro say that THEY SIMPLY DONT CARE...I used to think it was their egos, their hatred of women Whatever I wasnt sure but know I know....IT THEIR FEAR...
Fear of womens power, fear of accepting women as anything less than t....s and B... because to do that means they need to acknowledge their own weakness..
They need porn it helps them feel like the men they are not and anything you or I or a million others say or do will make no difference.. Dont let it upset you, get on here have your say and then forget it..because at the end of the day you can only change your own life by making sure you exclude people who are happy to exploit and hurt othrs for their own kicks. I dont know if your h is a die hard ma....or to porn or if this is something he will grow out of , I guess at the end of the day you need to find out the answer to that question and then make your decision based on that

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I would like to add a twist to this topic. My husband started looking at porn years ago. I have now found out that he belongs to an online Escort site and has been seeing prostitutes. I have read on this site about having ones emotional needs met and understand the concept of looking elsewhere. I am in the process of confronting him on these issues.
I would like to hear comments from others that are in similar situations. Seems to me that no more porn would be a necessary component to saving my marriage.

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Porn/Sex addiction is a real problem. There are a couple of good books, Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, and Breaking Free by Russell Willingham. Russell is a Christian author and his books point to Christian principles.

www.bethesdaworkshops.org is a website that discusses sex addiction, spousal enablement and coaddiction and they also provide workshops for the addict or spouse of the addict.

Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, so the addiction needs to be worked on through counseling in order to restore proper intimacy in a relationship.

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I have read what the ohters have written you and I just felt that I needed to say something. My dh has been struggling with porn for almost 20 years. We have been together for 12 and until recently, I didn't realize how destructive it was. Porn is not normal. It is not necessary. It was not given to us be God. As Matthew 5 clearly states, if a man looks at a women in lust it is adultery. Porn is adultery. Now, at this point, your dh may not want to hear that argument, but let me also tell you this, porn is a slippery slope of sin. It may begin with internet and soft-porn pics, but because it is sin, the deceivor takes hold of your life and no telling where it can turn. Someone pointed this out,b ut let me reiterate that men who look at porn end up being less sexually satisfied by their wives. God ordained marriage and sexual intimacy between and husband and a wife ONLY and porn makes that impossible. You need to buy the EVERYMAN'S BATTLE Book and maybe I SURRENDER ALL. It will help you begin your battle and journey.

God bless you both and I will pray for you.

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What good can come from a selfish act that hurts their spouse...of any type? Nothing...that's for sure.

I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be alone than unhappy. I have stated how hurt this behaviour is for me. I know I can not change him or make this decision for him.

I told him that I have never given an ultimatum...until now. I just pray that he knows I'm serious and is being honest with me. I hope that if this behaviour is continuing...that I find out sooner than later. I have decided that I WILL LEAVE!

It's sad how many times I wonder about it. How can one make them accountable if they don't want to be found out?

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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />It is hard for an addicted person to realize he is addicted. The most just deny it as long they can.
It is a sickness, and you both need help.
In this link I found information that helped me to realize my husband was addicted to porn and that was something that requires help. He needed help from me.

http://www.geocities.com/hotsprings/villa/7446/selftest.htm

It helped me to understand what it was about and what to do. The first thing to do to start the process of recovery from a porn addiction is to recognize it. The website could be helpful for him if he is willing to look at it and for you as a victim of his addiction.
Give it a try, before to give up. You can help him to recognize he is addicted and then to look for the recovery.
Once he starts the recovery you can apply the Dr. Harley plan to your marriage.
It is possible, and it is worth to try.
May the Lord Bless you both <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Toadette

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