Absolutely! But there are some here that dont believe that!

Personally, I don't think ANYONE should have sex with anyone they are not married to.

And in today's society, that is a radical idea! Go figure!

We are in total agreement BK!

There are many here who believe their presence here is hurtful and they could choose to get help in a less harmful venue yes. The poll results would support that interpretation.

And that may be. But do the Harley's agree?

And in the end, does the poll really matter? will it change the way things are done here?

My answer would be "no." There will be those that think a particular poster is in an affair marriage and will want them to go anywhere else than here. There are others that believe differently, and will engage that individual.

It will always be this way. The issue is...will this argument continue?

The results were predictable MM.

It will always be this way.

I have no doubt the arguement will continue. I certainly will continue to post if for no other reason than to show new posters who will undoubtedly be horrified by affair marriage legitimisation that not only do not all posters sanction AM's but that those that do are in a small minority.

Anyone ever ask the Harleys what they think?

And I agree that the poll turned out as expected.

But just because there is a majority doesnt mean they are correct!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well it's their board MM. If they want to make a comment about this issue I am sure they will but given they have chosen not to do that, I can only assume they don't mind the debate.

Um Really. WOW. The majority can be wrong? WOW. Who knew. LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

doesn't mean the majority isn't correct either.

They dont!! Agreed! Just interested, since they are the experts on this and as you said, this is their board, what their call might be on so called "affair marriages."

Agreed.

Well we already know that they do counsel people in affair marriages don't we. But they don't do it in full view of a forum do they? They do it privately.

To be fair, they dont counsel ANYONE in full view of a forum. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

True. LOL

I have been following this thread with great interest. I think there are several different questions being discussed. Bob’s original point was asking the board their opinion on what should be done with A marriages on the board but I think, like someone said a while ago, that it’s a moot point since posters do not have a say in how the board is set up. Still, I think the discussion had to happen sometime and I think it is a very important subject for everyone to have an opinion on.

I have listened to Dr. Harley every day (since the show is rebroadcast at least) and he has mentioned the board a couple of times. He always says that it is a space where people can get together and discuss things, but that he himself does not participate or even read it. It’s a space he provides on the website. I haven’t ever heard him recommend the discussion board to callers, although they always recommend the web site.
On the other hand, although he will counsel all sorts, it IS HIS JOB. And not his personal preference. What I’ve heard him say about what he prefers is that he likes “the worst cases”.

Another thing that he always says is that the first thing that he asks when a couple affected by infidelity comes to him, is whether the BS WANTS to save the marriage, and this he has explained many times. He has said he would divorce if his wife were unfaithful. He always says that infidelity is the worse thing your spouse can do to you, and yet, because people asked him to help them save their marriages in spite of the infidelity, and because he saw that it could be done, he has specialized in this area.

I have noticed he is not as optimistic with A marriages as with normal marriages.
Another thing Dr. Harley is consistent about is that whatever happened in the past may explain the present, but should not be dwelt upon and the steps to achieving a good marriage are basically the same. What does make a difference is that he predicts which people will be more likely to follow those steps based on their past. A marriages are based on dishonesty, approved and enabled by both spouses, so I guess that applying radical honesty and transparency is more difficult in thee cases, and that’s why they have worse prognosis.

When there are no children, and there is cheating or infidelity, Dr. Harley seems to lean towards divorce.

This what I have understood from the radio show.

When there is a very hot topic on the board he eventually finds out and I’ve heard him give his opinion on the show too. But we’ll have to wait for that, because he’s away at this moment.

I have got time now to try and express my personal position. Noodle said it better than I ever could.

The following is unrelated to the topic of this thread, but I want to share it here anyway for what it's worth:

Hubby and I are friends with a Christian couple (both psychologists) who are in an AM for 12 years now… They are much older than us. We always knew it was the 2nd marriage for both of them, but only found out last year that their M was the result of an A (we didn’t found it out from themselves and we’re not sure if they know that we know.)

We became friends with this couple after I received IC from the woman more than 5 years ago. She became my “mentor” and also helped me and my H to deal with our infertility issues emotionally. Especially after my H lost his job, we received tremendous emotional & moral support from both her and her H during that 3 year period.

But...learning about the way their M started was a big disappointment to me...especially since we have become so close friends with them...and I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this... I just look at them totally differently now... I will not judge or condemn them (it’s not my place) and they are still friends we value, love and care about, but we simply don’t view them anymore as this “perfect” couple and people we used to admire so much... I used to view her as my “role model”...but not anymore... That was a big loss to me.

So I guess in the end an A (and AM) can indirectly hurt a lot more people than just the people who’re victims and have been affected by the A or AM themselves...even if it’s years later.

You know, I read the first few pages of replies and just couldn't continue as it was starting to sicken me. Y'all can be just as judgmental, arrogant, self-righteous and bossy as you want, but you have no right at all to decide who posts to MB. That is the job of the Harleys and the moderators.

Some of you think you are "permanent" members and should have some say in the operation of this board. As far as that goes, once you start paying some of the monthly costs for operation, then you have that right, but until then we have TOS for use and moderators to enforce. You all are *users*.

Once you've succeeded in pulling off this stupid prank, how long will it be before you decide non-Christian marriages aren't valid either and try to force non-believers off the site?

Are any of you adults? Even moderately-functioning people know how to avoid threads that offend them. Most of you can't seem to do that. You have some kind of overriding urge to jump into every situation and demonstrate your superiority of morals. If you burn your hand on the stove enough times, you avoid putting your hand on the stove. You don't start a campaign to ban stoves.

If one is spending so much time here that they've run out of people to help and need to start "administering" things, maybe it's time to get off the board once in a while and get back to real life.

Fine, thanks, and you ?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />