I will try to make this brief and sum up where my wh and I are at this point.

We have been married almost twenty years (anniv next month). I would say most of those years up until now have been wonderful. We have three children 24, 17, and 12. Ws came to me out of the blue last November 26 and confessed that he had been having an affair for the last six monthes. The usual was said....havent loved you for a long time, in love with her...we struggled through the next four monthes and although there was not a lot of verbal fighting there was alot of unspoken tension..I told him in March I could not take any more and he rented an apartment.

Prior to this I did plan A....plan A so much that I was really like a wimpy little puppy following him around. I boosted his love bank with many many deposits, and received practically none. I have been wishy washy about starting plan B and have just kind of gone with the flow.

In the last few weeks things have really improved. He is calling, we went rideing on his Harley last weekend, and we have dinner together and have done several kid related school activities, with the kids. When he comes to he house he kisses me, hugs me and we have just been getting along so much better. This has really helped me just knowing that he is trying. We see a mc twice a month and that is going well. When the mc asked ws how things were going he said pretty well...I replied good but there is so much uncertainty still on my part..as far as what my ws wants..to save the marriage or not. Ws has said several times to me and the mc he is committed to working on the marriage. The MC thinks I should be focusing more on the positive things going on than the negative.

I am focusing on the positive and I feel great lately. I suppose I just want things to move faster. I miss my husband and my family.

I am beginning to see though how much I have grown or been forced to grow these last several monthes. I feel like I have finally grown up...thats odd being I am 44 now but there is a difference in me. I have really been working on myself these last monthes...at first for him and to get him back but now it's really more for me. I have lost 41 pounds and have gone from an 18 to a 10/12...the only benefit I see from this mess! Finances are ok...we have worked well together on this and both have very good jobs (big blessing).

So what is my question? I am not sure! Most of my days are good now after spending months and months crying. I have never felt the devestation I felt the night he told me about the affair...I think I walked around in shock for months. Ace suggested I use General Questions II for extra support....

I wish I knew how this would all end. His lease is up in Septeber..we both said to the mc this week we do not want to move to quickly and chance putting our two children still at home through another goodbye/seperation. It is not time for him to move back anyway...how can things feel so awkward between us still when we have always been so close? We really are starting all over...it's strange. I continue to go with "the flow" and be positive. I am as over the affair as I am ever going to be (I think) and am ready to move on with our life. I realize it will not be the same but maybe it will be better.

I hope this post is not to "all over the place" I worked last night (RN) and have been up since three oclock yesterday afternoon. And the spelling is awful...too tired!

Thanks or listening....and replying.

FYI

this is not a description of Plan A at all

Plan A does not appear wimpy

I know what they will ask.

Is he still seeing OW?

Finances in order?

Exposure been done?

he is not seeing the other woman..who was single.
Finances...pretty good shape.
Exposed to all I could

Your right Pepperband wimpy little puppy is not at all what plan A is about...maybe that is why it did not go over so well. I smothered him I think with so much ..I did so in hopes that he would see what a good wife I am / could be without much success. I continued to get hurt and rejected over and over.

Welcome to MB.

U R going through stages. Please read my link about the stages of grieving. Then read His Needs/Her Needs. Even though you have your own MC, give Steve H a call. He does phone conferencing. If your H won't do it with you, you do it. Get a recovery plan going.

Btw, in that recovery plan your H has to help you recover. Then you can help him. He's got the bulk of the work. Your helping him w/b meeting his needs and him meeting yours.

Get a recovery plan going ASAP!!!

take care,
L.

I am as over the affair as I am ever going to be (I think) and am ready to move on with our life. I realize it will not be the same but maybe it will be better.


I'd surmise you are just coming down a bit from the adreline drain over the last few 6 months. The 6-8 month post d-day period is tough for many. Post truamatic stress and often depression kick in.

YOU WILL feel a whole lot better in two years.


Where is the OW now??? What assurances is WH giving you that he's not in ANY contact with her???

I ask because typically the WH WILL move home ASAP if he is truly done with his fantasy game whereas a WS will cake eat and keep you with lies and OW with lies. Much easier to do while separated.

Call Steve Harley and/or good to the marriage builders weekend conference together. I've seen it often said that even ONE phone call far surpases anything your local marriage counsellor can provide.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- If you truly are taking it slow and don't want him home yet...why not a road trip?? Get HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS on the Audio CD version and listen to it on the trip TOGETHER. Cheaper than calling the Harleys.

Mishes,

Mr. W. just suggested the HNHN CD's. WH and I read the book, but our recovery took off when I got the CD's (like he and LG suggested) right after we exposed to OWH. In addition to listening in the car, I absorb the insights while I do housework, make meals, work on special projects etc.

Can you call Steve H. or increase your MC to once a week? It seems both would be good.

Ace

I am so embarrassed and humiliated...I caught my ws in a lie last night, and he was with another woman..he says it was not the first girl andrea but someone a friend fixed him up with..what does it matter he is a married man and our agreement was to not see other people. I suppose my guess is that it is Andrea (the original ow).

Oh my God it feels almost like it did in November when he came clean. We have been spending so much time together we just had dinner Wed and he was out with this girl Thuresday.He sat in the mc office Wed and told him how much better thoings were going, how he really enjoyed being with me, and he was pretty sure he knew what he wanted to do about coming home...we both agreed during our meeting that we wanted to be on steady ground so as not to hurt the kids with another seperation..we wanted them to feel secure. I told the mc I also felt better but there was still a missing piece..the marriage counslor said I was focussing too much on the negative. Womens intuition..you cant stop it.

Why do I let this man do this to me? How can I possibly love and care much less trust someone who obviously cares nothing about me, or his family. Why is he doing this?

You know I really am beyond being mad..I am hurt but this man has caused me so much grief over the last six or so monthes that I am going numb. What does he want? Why is he dragging this out? I was starting to feel so much better and he jumps me from behind. Is he trying to drive me crazy?

I am also so scared..I dont know anything about selling a house much less home owners insurance etc., dont even know if I can really afford it here..

I dont know what my next step should be or if there should even be another one. You know another thought is we havent had sex..I thought he wanted things to be really good between us first and did not pressure him although I needed to feel close to him in that way...now I know why..its been nine weeks..he has been sleeping with her I suppose.

I am getting stoner but there are times I just dont want to go on. I so wish my mother was here.

Mishes,

Hang in there girl. No one is worth losing your mind over. So get a plan.

First, have you seen a lawyer regarding finances and separation of assets. If not, make this Step one of YOUR plan. You won't know anything until you find out what your rights are, as well as do for the children.

Now, with that out of the way, your WH is riding the fence. Also, DO NOT TRUST WHAT HE SAYS. Only what he does. So far, he has cheated and isn't fully open and honest with you about his whereabouts and such. He is still very much a wayward, getting set up on dates. This is not unlike my FWH last year, not at all.

You will deal with everything else as it comes. You will learn how to do a lot (selling a house, taking care of problems, etc.). I'll post more at a later time. Please, just get a solid plan together and then begin to implement.

Get legal counsel and, if you can, set up a legal separation agreement. I would suggest Plan B for you, after you get all your ducks in a row.

MISHES.....

You are in the right place.

Don't be embarrassed....YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And now that you're on GQII, the veterans can walk you through this step by step.

BE THANKFUL you have MB....millions are going through this somewhere around the world without a support system.

Do you have vacation time coming? Can you switch your RN shift to days? You feel like last November because IT IS like last November. I've had 4 D-Days, Mishes, I know what you're feeling. But I didn't have MB and now you do.

Please post whatever you're feeling whenever you can. Be thankful if someone 2x4s you because that means they're reading and they care enough to say something that might help you.

Do not post on the recovery board.....just let that thread slide. Email me if you can't post from work but you can email. I do not know what steps you need but I'll learn right along with you and encourage you and pray for you.

We can do this, MISHES. Please lean on MB and refuse to let shame or humiliation double whammy you.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[Mishes}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Mishes,

Not shame or being humiliated, the feelings you will feel is betrayal and anger.

What u r experiencing is d/d 2, from which recovery is possible. Like Silentlucitdy said.... you need a plan.

Another suggestion is do NOT make major life changing decisions while in a highly charged emotional state. You want to but don't. You can vent by posting in a journal, sending an e-mail to the WS (I did that..... whew.... they were powerful....keep them and reread then a few years later.... wow). Post here as needed. Call your MC ASAP. See if you doctor can perscribe some anti-D's if you need help getting back in control.

So what's he reason for losing his pants and loyalty....again?

Plan B will look better now but you need to get your mind and heart in sync 1st.

Is your MC familiar with MB principals? If not, call Steve H for a personal recovery plan, then later, one for the M.

take care,
L.

He just called a few minutes ago...I said we needed to sit down today in a public place and talk. He has no excuse he said " I told you it is just a friend." He said you are makeing a mountain out of a mole hill...I responded with thats what you said last November. I have worked the last two nights and did not get much sleep yesterdaybefore going to work...it was a long night. Confronted husband on the way to work via telephone...I work in a cardiac unit..very intense at times..I just have to close it off when I am there..I take my patints seriously. When I leave work and come home it is such a lonely ride..I can finally let downthe face I have been putting on for the last twelve hours. Ws said you are tired and I will not sit down and talk with you until you have had some sleep! I agree but who put him in charge?

I intend to contact an attorny tommorow or Tuesday after the holiday. God I dont want to do this, I know I need a plan but ...I did not ask for any of this..I know this is childish to say but it is how I feel;. There has been so much loss, I dont want to do this anymore. I am scared if I do plan b it wont work...isnt that dumb? I am having a pitty party here...I am so thankful and blessed to have you all..its like family almost. The sad thing about all of this is even though we will be stronger and I do feel stronger in some ways..we will never be the same.Before the affair we had what I thought was a good marriage..someone said to me if you take the affair out of the marriage were there problems before this? If not you should try to work it out. I just dont know anymore if I want to..the pain has been too much.he isnot the same..how do you do this to people you say you love.

Sorry all but thanks for letting me vent. Going to try and get some sleep. Post later.

Words to live by. You've just helped me remember why I am fighting.

And will not quit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You've got all of us here to help you do the same. You can do this. And you will.

Mishes, this is a song that i always think of when I'm in deep, emotionally. I come here to my comrades and walk the line with them...

Everything But The Girl - We Walk The Same Line


If you loose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

I would get a Plan B letter ready. Post it here so we can help you. The problem with all of this is that each time the WS betrays the BS, the BS loses more and more love. I think my marriage would have made it without the multiple betrayals. But you can get to the point where the respect for your husband is gone, and that is FATAL to the marriage.

Mishes,

While the WS is correct that you need your rest, I can't help but think he is stalling. WS' do that. Don't fret about it.

Get your rest and then let's help you get ready to tackle the creature inhabiting your H's soul. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When you are ready, howz about you write down a view key item. It will help you imbed these points in your mind so when you talk with him, the WS will have a harder time distracting you.

Expect the WS to throw you off by accusing you of things he is doing.

Ex:
WS: You are too controlling

BS: Hm... really? I am too controlling....so.... you had an A? How does having an A fix that?

WS: Uh..... I don't know.

BS: Ok, your next point of accusation is...... (let him talk....let him spit out his venom and u b ready with the antidote).

WS: I never loved you. I like you but I don't love you.

BS: Hm... really? My H doesn't love me. Can you please tell me when that started? Like a date and time.....because this is now confusing me. Was it last year.... you said never..... so you mean you lied to me when you asked me to marry you? Why did you lie to me then? (You may find yourself getting angry with this one, so be careful).

WS: Well, not then....

BS: Yea but you said never loved me..... (frowning at this point is good). If not then, when.... I need a date so I can understand your babbling. (Throw out some key time frames).

WS: Well... I don't know.

BS: That's telling... you never loved me, you know you did love me but you can't pin point when you stopped loving your W but you resolved it by having an A? Does any of this make sense to you?

(The key here is to get the WS off balanced in his thinking. Get him confused.....then let him go).

NOTE: I had conversations with my then Xws. Really worked. Seeing him confused had t/b acceptable for me. When it was, it became easier for me to deal with the issues because I was basically giving him back his guilt and it took a lot of weight off my shoulders. There is a 2-fold purpose to this exercise. It made the WS think..... he may not like what he was thinking but it also made him realize he had to babble about other stuff because the above 'reasons' he gave had been shot and buried. He no longer could use those excuses with me and the OP certainly didn't like knowing that my H really did love his family..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If you want to discuss this more, you can e-mail me at: **edit**

Btw, you've got a great MB suppoert out there looking out for you and tha supporter directed me to post to you. Just wanted you to know that despite a lot of the turmoil that goes on even here @ MB, we do help each other out and that is what makes this place a great place for many of us dealing with these painful issues.

take care,
L.

Mishes,
I have been following your "story" over the past few weeks. I've never posted to you because I guess it was like listening in on someone else's conversation and it didn't seem like I should join in because I have so many problems of my own. I just experienced 2nd Dday 2 weeks ago when I caught WH planning a meeting w/ OW and I have been in my own "fog".


I just wanted to let you know that it broke my heart for you when I read your post today because I know how you are feeling. I told WH that I felt even worse than last year even though their meeting was interrupted. I told him that I felt hopeless because I had done everything that I could this past year to make things better.It's his turn to do the work and he has.Call me a fool , but even though he isn't trustworthy, I believe that he hasn't been with her or anyone else this past year(just a gut feeling),I am just upset that he didn't break off all contact like I thought and he wanted to meet with her.

He told me that he is willing to do anything to gain my trust again, but I don't know what he could do at this point. We are still together and he supposedly told her that he didn't want to start things up w/ her again and that he loves me and wants things to work out. He also supposedly told her that they shouldn't even talk at all anymore.

I may get "burned" again, but we are getting along great right now. He thinks that God sent me outside to catch him talking that day and I tend to agree. I told him that God was on my side and he agreed.


God is on your side too---your WH has the devil on his side right now. Remember who is the strongest, God will prevail and so will you! Good luck.

IS3,

Thank you for your timely post. I AM SO GLAD that you confirmed what motivated me to step back a bit, feeling like my responses to Mishes on the recovery board, while encouraging, were actually enabling her and eventually allowing her H to hurt her.

Like you, I've had multiple D-days....have you read my Mr. Romance Saga? I am vulnerable for being burned, too. But I choose to err on the side of faith and not fear. So far I have few regrets.

Mishes......I hope you're rested. And while I cry for your pain as if it was one of my own D-Days, I am so glad you posted on GQII BEFORE this DEVASTATION DAY #2 occurred.

We're all here for you. BTW...Killer Bees...get ready for another fight.....and thanks Chrisner and Silentlucidity ......C for hosting that great thread and SL for responding to my call for help for Mishes a few weeks ago.

{{{{{{{{{{MISHESZZZZZZZZ}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Hey Mishes,

How's it going?

Ace

Mishes,
Orchid has given you some great pointers on conversations with your WH. Try to pick through her post and adapt it to what you believe your WH may have to say.

Never in love with you....how original. I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying it because it's PROBABLY not true. Excuses, justifications, entitlement, you can take that all away with reverse babble.

Please let us know how you are doing.

I'm with believer on this, I think it's time to prepare for Plan B.