My wife met a man for drinks last Friday. I need to know if I should be concerned about this, and what I should do.
It started in March of 2003. I went to her computer to print out something on the color printer. There were several emails from this OM. I recognized the name because once when we broke up before getting married she asked me if I thought there was just one 'love of your life'. She said that she thought it was this man and that she had blown here opportunity with him. Apparently she had an affair with him during a period when she was separated from her prior husband. He got remarried and wasn't available when she divorced her husband.
In March, 2003, he sent her an email stating that he was now divorced and had moved back to the city where we live. She wrote back and said that she was happily married, but perhaps they could be friends. He asked her out to lunch, but she said perhaps they could meet for drinks instead. Then she said "It has to be a dark bar so that I won't be recognized." If her intent was to just be friends, why would she need to meet in a dark bar? Why would she even need to keep it secret from me? When I read that I immediately purchased a spy program and installed it on her computer.
They made arrangements to meet, then at the last minute something came up and he cancelled. Since that time he has been sending her emails asking when were they going to have that drink. She kept putting him off and finally said, "Here's the deal. I can't have drinks with you because I'm afraid that I'll become your lover again."
Last summer the relationahip apparently heated up (still just emails). She apparently thoght I might be spying on her, so she got a new yahoo email account and started writing him only for work. However, one Saturday night she had too much to drink and she emailed him from home, so I was able to find out the password for her new yahoo account.
She started acting very unhappy with me and I thought she was on the verge of divorce. Then all of a sudden things turned around 100%. I was the best husband in the world and she really loved me. From reading her emails it appears that she found out he was married.
I approached her about it and told her that sometimes she failed to close her emails and I had read some. I asked her about OM, and he said that he was just a friend -- that he had originally been a friend of her husband, then had become a family friend. She said there had never been any romantic involvement between them. I acted like I believed it, but one of the emails discussed the fact that she had handcuffed him to the bed naked and then found out that she didn't have the keys. Is this something that you normlly do with friends? I think not.
She asked if I wanted a divorce, and I said I didn't know, that I just wanted to be happy and I wasn't happy. She said she loved me, that she wasn't giving me a divorce and that if I pursued it she would make my life miserable. She said she wasn't the reason that I was unhappy, that she hadn't done anything wrong, that she was an excellent wife, and that I just needed to solve my own problem of finding happiness.
A few months later OM sent her an email stating that he was free (whatever that means). She has a weight problem, and she immediately started on a strict diet. This month she is close to her goal weight (lost 85 pounds), and she sent him an email suggesting that they have they meet. He asked her if she preferred Hilton Inn or Holiday Inn. She suggested a bar instead.
For the two weeks between making the date and meeting OM, she acted very unhappy with me. The date was at 1:30 pm. Prior to the date she spent $250 for a makeover. At 4:30 she called me and asked if I would like to meet her for drinks after work. I agreed, and she was a completely different person. All of a sudden I was the best husband in the world, she really loved me, etc. We had sex that night for the first time in several months.
I can only assume that he got back together with his wife, or something similar.
She sent him an email saying that she had fun and that next time she would pay. On Saturday (the day after the date), she informed me (no discussion) that she had decided that she was getting breast implants. She wrote to OM and told him about it. He asked if he could see her before and after so he could compare. She said that after she got the implants she would show them to anyone who was interested in looking. He asked if they could get together for drinks beforehand. She ignored the question.
This has ruined my life for four years. Perhaps I just need to let go and accept things as they are. I know talking to her about it won't help -- she'll just deny that there is anything more than friendship involved.
What should I do?
