Hi all

It's been a while and things are going well. We have been getting along good and I am trying to meet her EN.

I do have some things that are bothering me:

1) My wife's way to deal with the affair is simply reassure her love for me (this is good and I appreciate) and that is really it. I asked her to fill out the EN questionaire and she never did. It is like she doesn't want to face the issue or something? There are other things I asked but they generally fall on deaf ears.

2) I am having real issues with what happened. I can not get the visual picture of them together out of my head. I have forgiven her but can not seem to shake the images How can I get closure on this?

I need to get some closure on #2 as it is hard not to LB. I find myself saying things that I know are huirtful to her yet represent the way I feel.

God Bless

Get the book: His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley.

U read it 1st and leave it around to see if she will read it.
Then call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. U have a session with Jennifer, invite your W. If she says no, you have one for yourself anyway.

Jennifer will help you get a recovery plan. While your W s/b playing a vital role in your recovery, Jennifer will guide you on how to help your W (even if the 1st few calls may be only with you). Then in turn your W can learn the importance of helping you.

If your W is reluctant on helping you recover, that's a bad sign of which you must deal with soon.

Please read my sig line about the signs of grieving. This is what most BS' go through.

take care,
L.

You are in the time frame that is so hard for so many of us. 6-9 months was killer for me.

Try writing out your feelings and then throwing it away, so she doesn't see it. That way you get it out with out LBing. That helped me a lot as did screaming out my feelings in my car.

Will she do couple's counseling?

Hiya , G

Dr Harley says that as we fill our time toigther with lovebank desposits, our resentment over the affair reduces.

I didn;t believe that at a year after d-day, but now at three years I can agree that it is true.

I still hurt, but not 1% what I used to.

In case it helps, by the way, you are not alone or unusual

I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines are very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.


1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.

2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.

3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.

4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WW sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"

We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"

So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so whY am I here ?"

BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWW as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWW not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OM.

8. - What about MY needs ?

BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OM was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWW offered him, 100% of the blame for the A is FWW. This hits hard.

9. - Resignation

The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWW is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.

10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.

An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.

Adhere to Dr Harley's MB principles and try to concentrate on building new loving memories with your FWW. Then the memories will reduce in importance.

Its not time that heals but what you fill the time WITH.

All blessings.

Thank you for the replies.

Bob
I feel somewhere between 7 and 8, I guess. I can relate to what you've said there very well.

21 months, but who's counting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am at 8, jumped over 9 and looking real hard at 10. But not too hard, wife is taking good care of me or at least giving it her best shot.

Is there an 11?

I can attest that when you reach about where I am, you take random hits at any number from time to time, but the hit doesn't last very long. Apparently I ran through a lot of steps faster than most. But some of the steps were slow. Everyone is different. I think Squid needs to chase Bob for a while. Hope she does if that is what he needs.

Larry