I've been divorced for a year now, after three years of separation. I have been finding it really hard to make new friends! Friends whom I can call on for a movie or a dinner impromptu on a weekend or a weeknight... everyone seems to have their own schedule, their own family and friends to keep them company... except me.

It gets pretty lonely on weekends. It wasn't so bad till last year... I used to divide my time between my parents, my brother and his children and a couple of friends. This year, everyone's moved away... parents are an hour away, my brother lives in another state now, my girlfriend had a baby, another friend is moving... I find myself suddenly ALONE.

I am definitely not ready to start dating yet... but being alone for two days and not speaking to anyone except my cat and the newspaper man is meaningless.

I am home alone this weekend, reading and watching tv, washed my car and did other chores... I called up a couple of friends: one is having a nap, another has guests over, and another is out of town.

Can anyone give me some tips on forming new friends that I can hang out with.

Is it my age? No one is single at my age anymore. Those who are divorced even have their kids to keep them busy...

Yes, at our age, it's hard to find people that can swing last minute plans.....

What I did was to get out there and do things that interested me. Usually you meet people doing these activities, that have similar interests. I joined a belly dancing class and signed up to volunteer on the weekends that i didn't have my DD at my local animal shelter ( I LOVE animals!)

It's a good way to meet new people

Hugs!

My church has interest groups that people sign up for-everything from crafting to hiking. I went on an easy hike yesterday and met 19 new people.

Maybe there's an activity like that.

Also-I have friends my age who have much younger kids than mine (my youngest is 15) so I will call them up and see if they want some grown-up conversation. Usually, they appreciate it. They may not have time to get out and do something, but there's time for chatting.

Hope this helps

The same list you should be making to find your next mate you should be using to find your new friends.

I make a terrible mistake when I became single and made friends with people who were not right for me for a variety of reasons and that sent me into therapy as much as the divorce did.

Right now, I stay connected to a couple of lifelong friends from college. My social circle is primarily people from and asscoiated with church. I insist on having people around me that share my values and believe in the golden rule. Do I occasionally spend some saturday nights alone because they are busy with their family or other obligations, sure. But that's better than being desperate to fill the time with the wrong people.

My suggestion is church groups. Church preahes brotherhood and familial atmosphere, That creates a support system for when you are down or need emotional help. The people you work with may be kindred spirits, You obviously share common interests if you work together. Hobbies are helpful too. Usually people who share your hobby interest will want to be friendly.

My friends all come from different activities, and areas of my life. But, we rarely call each other on a moments notice to do something together. You may find it easier to plan things with the friends you do have.Even though I don't have kids, and I have alot of free time, I plan my activities.
I have girfriends that I have dinner and shop with, friends that I party with, and then my girlfriends that are into horses.

You probably need more activities that involve meeting people. Whether it's joining a gym, garden club, sports activity, whatever. There are other women in your shoes, you just have to search alittle for them.

I don't do gym thing, owning a horse has brought me many new acquaintances many of these women are single/divorced. I guess their husbands hated horses as much as mine didn. LOL
We get together at horse shows, go tack shopping, met for dinner/drinks after riding, etc. We share a common interest so we have lots to talk about and do.

Good Luck..
Save a cowboy, ride a horse...(it's the best theraphy)

I think meeting women is harder sometimes than meeting men!
I agree about actually planning social stuff in advance. Dinner, drinks, shopping, whatever.

And that way, you know you have soemthing going on for the weekend.

My sister did one of those speed dating nights. She didn't meet any men she was interested in, but she said she met some nice single women her age. They had laughs and giggles before the "dating" started.

Those who are divorced with kids typically have their off weekends. Get to know your friends "off weekends" and set something up.
My friends and I coordinated weekends, and used to go out every non-kid Friday night. Now we are busier and don't do that. While I find I need downtime on my non-kid weekends, I feel like I should go out with adults.

I think many of us don't go out because we don't want to go out alone. Make a short list of people you know whose company you enjoy. Don't be afraid to call them and ask if they'd like to meet for coffee or a movie. I think you'll be surprised. I should try to do that myself this weekend.

Thank you so much, for all your replies.

- So yes, I will plan ahead for weekends now.

- Will check out non-kids weekends from divorced friends.

I am not very familiar with my church members (still having the stigma of being divorced), but I meet up with a divorced and widowed network from another church and two interest groups.

Gekko, I can't even think of what I want from a next mate... am certainly afraid of relationships now... am so afraid of men in general!!

And thank you for affirming that I don't have to waste time with people whom don't share the same ideals/life values. I bumped into a friend from university a couple of weeks ago. He is still the same bum he was 20 years ago. I didn't want a long conversation. I didn't feel elated to see him, and I think he was insulted that I didn't seem interested to renew our friendship.

I went hiking last weekend, with a group of 25 people. Having them around me (and I made some new friends) made me feel 'normal' again. I was happy. I am glad to be sleeping next to someone. And when I went back to work on Monday, I was much less cranky.

It didn't use to take so much effort to make friends. I am even begining to miss my x's friendship.

After my X left, the local separated/divorced support group was a godsend to me. I didn't feel alone, and they planned activities to get people out. It was such a safe place for socialization (and early on for shoulders to cry upon).

Also, look for local events in your town. I wanted to get out Friday night, but wasn't motivated by myself. I found out there was a simple singer/songwriter festival 5 minutes from my house. If I'd just looked it up, I would have gone.
Keep your eyes open for activities/events in your area. Check the local newpapers. And Volunteer.

Newly,

I feel the same about going out by myself-- I tend to be less motivated. I'd end up on the couch watching tv instead.

When I meet new interesting people, I feel afraid (or shy, I don't know which) to call them up for a chat or and ask them out... especially if they are married and have kids. I don't mean a romantic outings, I mean like, go hiking/diving/rafting. It feels strange even saying it here.

I know. I always feel people have their own plans.
I think too many of us feel that way, and would just wish someone would say, hey want to catch a movie.
I think that's an easy one. Ask a friend to hit a chick flick. Most H's don't want to go, and then if married, there's a built in babysitter.

I want to have a neighborhood "ladies night out". About 1/3 of the people are new to this area, and I've only been in my house 3 years. So I think it would be great to get all the people I see walking the dog together for a night out in my backyard. (Now, if I only finish my house. I want to oldtimers to come by to see all the changes I've made from the 96 year old man who built it, and the new people can just relax).

Oh, and borrow a dog. It's a great way to meet people. Offer to dogsit. Hey, I've heard of people volunteering to walk shelter dogs. It's a thought.

We have to make our own lives. If we sit at home, it is our own fault. And where are you anyway? Aren't there any MBers around to drag you out?

I'm at the shakey end of a marriage right now. If we make it, it will be all God!

So I'm thinking about what single will mean, which is how I wound up on this part of MB. Kind of looking over the fence to see where I might be heading. I sure never thought I would find myself here again.

BTW ItHurts, I love the sig line "Save a cowboy, ride a horse" My mom has a thoroughbred and will LOVE that!

Ruffled, what part of the planet are you on? I just bet that an MB'r nearby would be happy to go out and play. If you are in my part of the world we can go grab a chi latte, whatch a chick flick....ever see Autumn in New York, or Somethings Gotta Give? My H is a major movie fanatic but doesn't like the same ones I do. That's a whole nother story.

Church is a great place to start, some have divorced groups that are designed to keep people from growing moss in front of their TV's on the weekends.

Get a fabulous pair of sunglasses and go to an outdoor cafe and have a tea and people watch.

I always run into the scheduling conflicts too. My H once told me to go out and make some friends, don't make him my whole world.....boy did he get clobbered! I told him that most women I know were so busy taking care of their kids, husbands, jobs and homes that they barely had time to shave their legs much less hang out with the girls...he didn't get it....perhaps if he started doing his own laundry??

The best company I have found is God. If you ask he will bring the people to you. Ask him to make divine appointments for you each day and see where it takes you. He knows your heart and knows what you need.

((((Ruffled))))

It will be ok.

It is definitely difficult to make new friends once you reach your thirties. Here are a few of the things I have done.

1. Got involved with local land use boards
2. Got involved with watershed associations (which may have recreational activities - mine did)
3. Got a parttime fun job (way different skill set from my day job)
4. Took a few college courses
5. Considered adult ed. classes
6. Joined a pool league
7. Joined a softball league (co-ed)
8. Made myself available to help with my friend's kids (hanging with kids was a good way for me to chill out and rekindle my joy for the simple things in life and gave the parents a much-needed break)


Right now, I'm looking into Habitat for Humanity and/or some type of literacy program to volunteer my time to.

I've met some really cool people and a few have become good friends.

Good luck!

Thank you for all your responses!

I am in South East Asia-- in Malaysia. Not sure if there are any MBers here.

I have two free tickets from the French Embassy to the International Jazz Festival-- and I thought it was for next weekend... but it's for this weekend! O I am so forgetful. Now I have to quickly call up some friends to see if anyone can make it with me... it is so last minute (again).

I know I have to take this as an opportunity to grow. I have always been on my own as a child, a teenager, as a young adult... and more so throughout my marriage. I do not always enjoy being alone, but I 'lived' through it.

I can see the many activities that you guys have listed, and I appreciate it. I have thought of volunteering to paint the playroom of an orphanage and perhaps start on my Masters degree this year.

And ahopefulalone, thank you for reminding me to speak to God... I often tell Him how lonely I feel and cry, but I forget to ask Him to send someone :-)

Ok, so you are really far away. I have always wanted to visit KL. Is that where you live? I guess you are an expat?
I've been to Singapore, but never KL.
This summer, I'm planning to visit Beijing as a friend is moving there (no hotel costs). Still want to visit Thailand someday.

Good Luck. If you are an expat, vs. a local, I can see where things would be harder.

Any Mb-er's in Nottingham UK? I can identify with all that has been shared. It's tough for me as I moved to be with husband and have found it difficult to join any groups as no confidence - and I still cry when asked too much about me - so hang on to existing friends - some of whom are 'shared' and cannot emphathise with me and sometimes unwittingly come over as 'smug marrieds'

Chivers,
If you are still that "raw", a local divorce support group may be safe place to be. These groups allow people to talk through the many issues, without burdening your friends. These groups are also in the midst of what you are feeling/experiencing, and can help in recovery, or at a minimum, provide a social outlet.

Hi Ruffled,

I'll be praying for you. My thread is over in General Quesions II. I'm lonely in a different way. In the house with someone I love who won't speak to me. But I believe God put us here to help each other when we can.

My mom told me something when I called her in tears not too long ago....I'm 48 and still call my mommy! God blessed me abundantly with that amazing woman! Here goes:

Imagine that you are sitting in your Heavely Fathers lap, he is big and strong and loves you like an only precious child.You are very safe and loved there. Now imagine that his arms are around you and his hands are cupped together in front of you like they are holding water. Now make your hands into the same cup above His. Place ALL of your concerns, hurts, fears, worries, anger, and sorrows one by one into your cupped hands. Are they all in there, good. Now, dear daughter, open your hands and let all of that fall into the hands of your Father.

Go in peace.

Ruffled, you are going to be ok. There are some incredible folks at MB that can walk with you through anything. I'll keep praying.

Thank you for your prayers, ahopeful.

I am at a period where I feel my friends are being stripped away from me, either by relocation, resignation, sudden silence-- it's painful. There are too many incidences-- I know God is at work... although I don't know what the message is.

At the same time, this is a considerably stress free period for me at work. I am able to leave at an earthly hour, and I also take it easy in the mornings where I don't feel I have to rush to go to work.

Am thinking of going back to the gym and probably taking up sewing classes during this 'stress-free' period. Am also thinking of pursuing a masters degree.

Newly -- I am a local. Should you decide to drop by on your way to Beijing, you have a friend here!

Something tells me you'll meet more people in a master's program than in a sewing class. But then, I could be wrong. Either one sounds like a great idea.

I took my own advice and emailed 4 single women from church to see if anyone wanted to attend a local concert with me. All were busy, but I took the initiative (just not enough to go alone. Found out there was a parade and town would be crowded with kids).