There was an OW at the grocery store that my co-workers and I frequent before we go out to the field. I hadn't talked with her for several years and she does not work there anymore. Some of the guys saw her there and she asked about me and they thought it would be funny to give her my phone number. She called me at first under a private/blocked number and I did not answer. She then called me with her area code number and I picked up. I told her not to call. Am I wrong for not telling OnlyUcan that she called? I saved her phone number under a friend's name in my phone so that OnlyUcan wouldn't freak out. She continued to call and I returned her call as well this week to tell her not to call me anymore. Yesterday morning OnlyUcan found a voicemail from her and now she knows. My bottom simple question is was it wrong?

Did she fall for that story? If so, I would appreciate it if you would send her here so I can smack her around a little.

Come on now, you have to know it was WRONG. There should be no secrets in any marriage, let alone one that has gone through infidelity. How can she trust you now? It takes months and months to rebuild trust. YIKES!!! I am amazed that you need to ask if it was wrong. Maybe you can get some IC to work on your boundaries.

p.s. if you are going to be a [censored] artist, get some better bs; this story line is not even clever, much less believable. Good grief, waywards are such amatuers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What a bullcrap story.

I'd be a fool to believe it on the internet and Mrs. Ucan would be a fool to believe it in real life.

You are a proven liar. If you wanted NOTHING to do with this woman...the one fact that refutes your story is ...

WHY DID YOU HAVE THE NEED TO STORE HER PHONE NUMBER AT ALL ON YOUR CELL PHONE?

Further lies...did the work guys give this woman your home number AND your cell phone number, why both, why did you allow them to do that...WAY TOO INSENSITIVE TO BE TRUE, your marriage is NOT a joke, your wife is not a joke...you need new friends and a new job if this happened to be true.

Assuming your story is true...then it was a HUGE mistake as now your story seems unbelievable and you are helpless to PROVE otherwise. You should have told her about the guys at work giving OW your number, you should have told your wife about the calls, you should have allowed your wife to speak to her instead of handling it yourself, you should NOT have answered the phone (screen all calls with an answering maching), you should have KNOWN that you'd never be believe when (not if) you got caught.

It is YOUR burden and consequence that require YOU to demonstrate complete openness, honest and accountability. YOU need to develope and maintain a consistent plan of ACTION for handling this situations. Life doesn't happen to any of us. It is what you make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Your wife is NOT crazy...YOU ARE, so stop gaslighting her and blaming her for overreacting. You are untrustworthy...you're just the last one to realize it.

To be clear, OnlyUCan's husband...you lied to yourself which is why you are wondering if you did something wrong.

It's plain to others because we aren't lying to ourselves.

You are.

What part of no contact don't you understand?

Did you tell your coworkers how much your BW was hurt? How you think their behavior was reprehensible, as far from funny as can be? Did you say your choice to SAVE OW's PHONE NUMBER was you stabbing your BW's heart again, just like on DDay?

Wow.

Want to amend? Change your cell number.

Change your lies to yourself into honesty...know when you are hiding anything (like her number under another name) because THAT'S WHAT YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Boundaries are around you...and what you hold yourself to so you can look at your face in the mirror and not puke...get your own signals, dude. Only you can control yourself...and if you aren't choosing to be radically honest with yourself...then you won't in your marriage.

LA

Mrs. onlyucan, your H is a professional serial cheater and an amatuer [censored] artist. Why not accept that he is a cheater and ask yourself if you can live with that? You can't change him and I think the sooner you accept that, the better off you will be. You cannot change HIM, but you can change YOURSELF.

If I were you, I would be asking myself WHY I continue to volunteer to live with a cheater? You are not a victim anymore, but a VOLUNTEER. And if you volunteer for something, you no longer have the right to complain.

I didn't fall for it. I know that it's all part of the infidelity process that goes on in my marriage. I'm digging out my Plan B letter that I wrote last year.

I feel like such a fool!

There's more to the story that he wouldn't put on there. There were text messages too...although he claims that these were meant for the male friend that he stored her number under.

It's all lies.....This is my "annual" acting out. He thinks that he has done so well and because this wasn't really an OW that he is interested in, just someone that he knows from the store, all is well.

I have some serious issues! I read back through my e-mails to my best friend from last year's incident and the one thing that kept coming up for me was my father abandoning me and the feeling that I get about abandonment and wanting to be loved. I'm soon to be 40 years old, when will I grow up and stop looking for love in a man???

You will grow up when you start making better choices. There is no better time than the present to grow up. Maturity is demonstrated by taking tough actions despite your emotions. You are old enough to know what to do and just have to do it. It is alot like getting a root canal, it hurts like he11 at first, but it HEALS the wound in the longrun. You simply have to face the pain TODAY so you can have some peace tomorrow.

The fact of the matter is that you are condemning yourself to a life of he11 by choosing to live like this. People who stay in adulterous marriages often end up having nervous breakdowns and suffering years of post traumatic stress disorder. If that happens, you have only the lady in the mirror to blame. There is no reason for you to live like this, onlyucan.

He feels like these are just other people's opinions based on their experiences. He says that he couldn't tell me based on history of how I react. I don't have a great history of how I take the news or finding out. It's been a very painful process. He's not really liking the fact that I am on here and getting support.

I'm going to get an IC and refill my Xanax first thing Tuesday morning after the holiday. I have been choosing this life...and continuing to choose this life and it's made it real easy for him to continue to act out because there have been no consequences. Last years incident I was ready to leave. He begged and pleaded, went to our Bishop and told some of my family members what he had done. I thought we were really on the road to recovery. Although this is not one of the OW that he had an EA with, it was still one that he was secretly talking to and all this dishonesty is completely unacceptable. When I called her after the voicemail yesterday morning, she said ..."I'm one of his really good friends"....I'm thinking to myself, this is my husband and you're telling me that you are his good friend...who are you? It was the weirdest feeling. And then I realize that I'm the one that probably really doesn't know him.

I have major issued with how he acts at work and the guys that he works with. I feel like he is a follower and not a leader when he is with them and that he should be standing up for me and protecting me, but instead he joins in with their destructive behavior.

Is there any hope for us? Is this something that we can work through? AAArRRGGGgg!

Do you have children together?

The children from my 1st marriage live with us. His children live with their mother. That is part of what makes me stay because of the guilt of putting my children through another divorce. My youngest son is quite attached to this man as he has been his father for the last 5 years.

If there were no children, I would hope that I would have been strong enough to end this the first time it happened or at least the fifth or sixth....how sad.

Well, only you can answer that question. Can you live with a man who is a serial cheater and liar? If you CAN, then you have your guy. But, you have long forfeited your right to complain about his cheating and lying [and very AMATEUR bullcrap] because you are a VOLUNTEER.

If you can live in a marriage with a partner who lies and cheats, then your answer is YES, you can "work through this." But if you have an AVERSION to lying and cheating, and some ppl DO, then you might strongly consider moving on.

For me, I am quite biased against lying and cheating so I would, naturally, not CHOOSE to be married to a serial cheater and liar. But that is just ME; your preferences might differ from mine.

so, is this the type of man you want your son to admire and want to be like?

Thats some great role modeling for your children there. Do you want them to grow up and be a liar and cheater like your husband?

Do you want your daughters to learn from your example, to grow up and make themselves available to be abused? And not lift a finger to help themselves.

How very tragic for your children to be dragged into this sordid, sick mess and to watch their mother doing absolutely nothing about it. I am horrified.

BTW...thank you all for your radical honesty. When we were discussing this, I told him that there wasn't anyone in the world that he would find that would think what he did was ok. I told him we could put it to the test simply by asking this forum. He lies to himself, I assume to avoid guilt. I know that he had a childhood of being beat to the near inch of his life...I truly believe that lying has become a survival instinct for him. But I have proven to be a good wife to him and have stood by him through all of this and there's only so much a person can take. It's quite ridiculous at this stage to continue to blame me for the lies.

Again thank you all for your honesty and candor and thoughtfulness to me in all of your replies. I could not have said it better to him and he wouldn't have listened to me this way anyway.

OUC,

I was a serial cheater. I'm glad to know that Mel wouldn't have stayed married to me...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's a hard way to live and does a ton a damage, with consequences for a lifetime.

I changed for me. For my marriage.

You aren't crazy, OUC. What you are is doing the same thing expecting different results. That's what I see.

OUC's WH...can you find all your payoffs in continuing to live untrue to yourself, your marriage, your life? Self-deception hurts, too. Seems like it's pain coming in from your partner...it's not. The pain comes to you, about you, from your own choices. You're doing it to yourself.

You have a chance to have a real marriage...a full partnership...learning to partner, to have your whole self loved and accepted, is worth getting these truths. Take the opportunity to change your whole life, 'k? Take it now.

LA

A sane person would not and should not stay in an abusive marriage. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child. No responsible person would advocate staying in such a situation. That is not to say that a serial cheater CANNOT change, but her H has not changed and has no interest in changing. And the truth is that she CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Only HE can change himself.

All she can do is accept that he is a serial cheater and REMOVE herself and her children from the abuse.

And no, I would not stay married to a serial cheater personally. But no one should stay with one who refuses to change.

I'm embarassed to say that I have tried to hide this from my children, family and friends. We have so much drama going on with my 19 year old daughter and have since the beginning that when my children see me cry, they assume it has to do with her. Also, my mother died 2 years ago and they assume my sadness relates to that as well. None of my children know of his infidelity. I'm ashamed that I have stayed married to a man that does this to me. He puts on a show for everyone that I guess I want to believe as well.

And you are right.....I have volunteered. I'm choosing to be a victim...and it is repulsive, horrific, disgusting. I stayed with their father who verbally and physically abused me for 12 years, I was trying to pretend this one was better so I could show them something different. He doesn't drink and he doesn't hit me...what he does I was not prepared to handle. I was ashamed that I married a man that could not be all that I had hoped for my children and I've been feeling sorry for myself and for him and I have allowed him to convince me that he will change because I am weak.

I know I need to change myself.

onlyucan, i would make it known that he is a serial cheater to others. This effects their lives too. Nor should you protect him from the consequences of his sleazy behavior, that just hurts HIM. You will likely find out that most of them know anyway and just think you are ignorant of his behavior.