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Hi, this is my first post here. I have been posting on another forum that is dedicated to infidelity and a couple members there recommend I come here and take a look at plan A. I found out my wife is having an affair a little over 2 months ago and things have been up and down since then. She is pretty much in fence sitting mode and has been there since this started. One week I think it is over and next week she is right back to the sneaking around. Since this started, after the initial shock wore off(hasn't completely yet, that's for sure) I had inadventently been trying something similar to plan a, but I think my problem was the inconsistency. It actually seemed to be working but every time it seems she is ready to stop the affair and reconcile our problems, I freak out and lose my composure and it seems to push her right back into her bad behavior. Don't get me wrong, I do not accept responsibilty for her affair, but there were many areas that I needed to improve as a husband and I am workig hard on those. She on the other hand is not doing any work at all most of the time, but lots more damage instead. My question is, what do those of you here that have experience with this type of situation consider a reasonable amount of time to stick to plan a before moving on to a plan b? What I mostly get from her is
'I need a little more time'. What she supposedly means by that, is time to decide to stop the affair and reconcile, or we get a divorce. What I think it really means is 'I can't make a decision', or 'I like cake and eat it too'. Those 6 words are driving me nuts. I now cringe everytime I hear it and it's what I get at least 50% of the time I try to talk about it, which I don't think I am supposed to do with plan a. She will rarely mention it if I don't bring it up and when she does, she is remorseful and then things get better, she starts talking about our future togehter, saying she has been doing stupid things, I become 'honey' again, a little contact, hugs, small kisses, she is nice for the most part, the sneaking around stops. Then she will mention going somewhere and I lose it and start telling her to stop lying to me that I know where she is going. Then we fight and next thing I know, she proves me right, that I can't trust her. Then she blames it on me for not trusting her and pushing her away. I'm not sure how someone who has been lying and sneaking around having an affair for months can expect you to trust and not question them in one day, but it is what she expects. It would not be so bad if she would give me time to get over the trauma of this. I have never experienced any kind of pain like this before, it is a nightmare. Anyways, I know I need to be strong and keep my composure no matter how difficult she is, but I do need to have some idea of when to give up on a and go to b.
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hey Journeyer Sorry you are in this position <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> This is a good place to get the help you need to restore some righteousness in you rmarriage however ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Your sweetie is cake eating to an olympic standard it seems. The response that worked for me aand many others in your position is to study Dr. Harleys methods then apply a tight plan A. As soon as this is in place, you should discover somebody in the other man ( OMs) life whose opinion he respects. A wife, parents, boss etc. and expose the affair to them. This is very counter intuitive but it is a very useful way of shedding light on the dark affair. Then hold on and ride the waves for a while in plan A. How long depends on how strong you are , but typically men can run a plan A without locing all their love for their WW for longer than women can vice versa. I wouldn't aim for longer than three months Journeyer. If plan A hasn't helped end her affair by then, it ain't likely going to and it stime for plan B . Right now here is a sumary of plan A for you Plan A is something YOU do selflessly. It recognises that the WS is most likely incapable of contributing to the marrige right now. Active affairs can be as addictive as drugs, and mess up theminds of formerly sensible WS. Friend WAT used to say they were kidnapped by the alien mothership and replaced with a pod person ! That's exactly how alien they will behave. You need to work on a list of conditions - not a set of demands, but a list of personal boundaries: the behaviour that when persistently broken wil mean you will have to remove yourself from the situation, because they are so hurtful or disrespectful to YOU. Yout jobis t make sure witout LBing that your WW knowsof your boundaries, then YOU monitor and police them. My boundaries are a VERY short list : * NC for ever
* Transparency
* Protection from harm of me and the kids thorough working on our M.Theres other stuff I WANT and NEED from her for a happy marriage but these are the dealbreakers. Squid violates them and does not stop in a timescale of my choosing we part. MY boundaries, not INSTRUCTIONS or demands. Reading your post here, you appear to be wielding plan A as if it were a stick, swatting your WW around the head with your eagerness to reconcile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It needs to be delivered in love an patience, but firmly. It is a proven way to make the created view of you as a beast in your WWs mind look really silly, and start to make her think you may well be a better man than she has convinced herself. Plan A also requires that you look at yourself critically and change that which needs to be changed in YOU. NO its not fair, but do you want to be right, or do you want to be married ? * Your instinct as a BS is to be angry, indignant, sad, fearful, reactionary etc and no-one could blame you. However actions supporting these emotions will REINFORCE the fantasy in your WS warped mind that you are a worse bet as a life partner than the OP and that the A was justified. * You may feel 'better' by venting, doing the vengeance dance etc, but this will almost certainly fatally break your relationship. * Plan A is a carefully calculated response to the fact of an affair that recognises the strengths and weaknesses of the BS position at this time, and who wants to save their M. It is NOT instinctive, in fact it is counter-intuitive, but it works if adhered to. To use MaddyKs analogy :scratching poison ivy rash feels SO GOOD but causes nothing but grief. Instinct does not always help in complex situations. * FACT a BS cannot directly stop an affair unless they kill or kidnap one or both infidels, and thats not usually recommended by MC * FACT NEITHER is a BS as helpless as they think they are, and has an armoury of weapons to use. Plan A bundles these for use in a proven strategy. * Plan A recognises the uncomfortable reality that although the BS is IN NO WAY responsible for the A and that an A is NEVER JUSTIFIED or OK the BS HAS contributed to the marital environment being ripe for an A. This is a major thing to choke down for most BS ( it was for me!) , but its also a major enabler to recovery. Once you know what broke in YOU you can start fixing it. * Using tools such as exposure the affairs bindings can be exposed to the light. Typically A's only make sense in a by-the-hour highway motel for two hours at a time when only the lying infidels listen to each others fog drivel and 'lets pretend' sex. Exposure to OPs significant other, and carefully targeted family and friends and colleagues forces this shaky, sex-justfying bag of fluff to the scrutiny of the real world. In MOST cases, the bindings disappear like vampires in the sun leaving the infidels 'love affair' looking like the tawdry, cowardly alternative to fixing a flagging marriage that it truly is. And YES exposing is counter intuitive too, but it WORKS !! see now ? * So when the A is exposed as a shabby thing, Plan A also makes sure that you, the BS have ALREADY and PROACTIVELY recognised the failings in your behaviour and demeanour that led to the marriage flagging and made a start at fixing them. You have also patently disarmed your WS by not being violent, disrespectful, unforgiving nor any of the other things that they expected and FEARED you would be. In fact you raised your game SIGNIFICANTLY as spouse material and they begin to notice it, really. * WSs fear that with the death of the A, they have no safe place to go, not the OP and certainly not home to face the judgment and wrath of the BS they have hurt do much....except the BS has done everything possible to provide a place of calm safety for the WS to return to. My own FWW thought it was a trick! She couldn't believe the loving and non-hudgmental "nest" I'd made for her when she felt she deserved it so little...through Plan A I'm a better Dad than I've been in years, a better listener and more thoughtful of my FWWs needs. Plus MUCH slimmer, fitter and more buff ( GgrrrrOOOWWWLLLLL ! ) * SOME A's bindings are stronger than others and SOME WSs find it harder than others to return home, so plan A may not always work at killing the A and providing a sanctuary for the WS to recover in. Thats when plan B kicks in. Plan B REMOVES the sanctuary , love , forgiveness and support so carefully built and demonstrated in PLAN A from the WS. You do a good plan A and you will be REALLY missed, while OM looks everyday more like the unreliable, lying betrayers they always are. * See how it works ? By choosing to lay down your righteous indignation in plan A you are in NO WAY a doormat any more than spying for the Allies made brave intelligence folks in WW2 Nazis. You are bravely and deliberately overruling your primal instinct in support of the marriage God gave you and you gave to God and each other. * STUDY(not just read) SAA, HN/HN , this site, the old heads stories and become aware of the dynamics of affairs. Deconstruct your own situation and apply the principles to it. Knowledge is power. Understand that affairs are JUST LIKE medical conditions, the symptoms, prognosis and cure are all utterly predictable in most cases. Your sitch feels unique BUT IT AIN'T ! THIS STUFF HAS WORKED FOR THOUSANDS OF COUPLES IN EXACTLY YOUR SITCH ! * Finally I have said before that Plan A is a heroes gig and I still think so. For a 'silverback' like me the easy way is to go crashing around hitting people , suing people and making lives bad. Instinct isn't bravery. Bravery is doing what is needed, however uncomfortable, frightening and counter-instuitive to rebuild a stable loving platform for all involved in the mess of an affair. Even if Plan A and Plan B doesn't recover your M , it will leave you a much more "examined" person able to move on in life and not repeat the errors that contributed to the problems in the M. I hope I have helped explain my take on Plan A. And to close, Plan A has worked UP THE WAZOO for us so far so I'm not talking theory. Calmness is your friend All blessings. BTW it would be helpful if you gave us some details about your history so we can know how to advise you best. Take heart, many of us have walked in your shoes and recovered.
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All I can say to that is Wow, That makes so much sense, I am finally beginning to see the light on this situation. Let me give you some history on this situation as you suggested. I've been with my wife for 28 yrs. married 26. I'm 47, she is 46. This is first and only marriage for both of us. We have 2 children, one still at home, she is 17. Now I'll give some details leading up to the affair, what I think may have produced conditions that led to the affair. 6 years ago, we bought a new home and some land, it was our dream place. We were never happier as a couple as we were at that time, we were so excited about the new place. We also really overextended our finances on this new mortgage, but figured that our finances would keep getting better as they had the last several years. That never happened. Instead we seen a downturn in the economy and we both stopped getting the large salary increases at work that we had been getting. Instead we seen few or none, insurance costs went up and we were very tight budget wise for the first time in a long time. Then my daughter started having medical problems and the medical bills piled up. (I'll just make a note here, she is Ok now.) We began to get behind on our bills and to compensate, I started working a lot of extra time on the side. I also started drinking a lot, especially on weekends to deal with the stress. My wife complained about this, but I didn't listen much. We started fighting a lot. She apparently found her own way to deal with the stress. I believe this has been going on since at least Dec., 2006 but I caught her in March of this year. She finally admitted to it and said she was going to move out. I ask her why she was doing this and she blamed my drinking for the most part. I immediately did the right thing and totally quit the drinking. I admit is was becoming a problem and was a foolish thing to do. I also ask her to not leave and she agreed but said she needed some time to think about things and just wanted to live as roommates and refused to sleep in the same room. I agreed to give her some time but said I wanted to work things out. She also told me that although she had an affair, but she blamed it on me, saying that I would not listen to her about the drinking and that I did not pay any attention to her and stopped doing things with her although she pleaded with me. That is partially true, let's call it fair enough, except I don't accept responsibility for her affair. She also said it was over and that there is no one else, but soon enough she was sneaking around again and also stopped wearing her wedding rings. This has been up and down ever since then, going on 3 months now. She has told me 3 times in those 3 months that it would stop and she wanted to reconcile, but then it started again. I am so happy I found this site, I was just all over the place on trying to deal with this, with no plan at all. I really believe if I would have known what plan a was and stuck to it, we may be working this out right now. Instead, we are right back where we started. I feel so much calmer now that I know something to try that has worked and that if it does not work at least I tried my best. That quote about plan A makes so much sense about my situation that it is just scary accurate. I'd like to comment on a few points: Plan A recognises the uncomfortable reality that although the BS is IN NO WAY responsible for the A and that an A is NEVER JUSTIFIED or OK the BS HAS contributed to the marital environment being ripe for an A. This is a major thing to choke down for most BS ( it was for me!) , but its also a major enabler to recovery. Once you know what broke in YOU you can start fixing it. I recognized this early on. I quit drinking, not a drop for over 70 days now. She is finally convinced about that. I have worked hard on the finances and that is much better also. We have also started doing things together, just going out to eat, to movies, family things. This is difficult while she is still having the A, and I have screwed those happy occasions up several times by trying to talk about the A, which sometimes leads to a fight. I have also admitted to her that I caused problems with our marriage and that I want to work on being a better partner. * Your instinct as a BS is to be angry, indignant, sad, fearful, reactionary etc and no-one could blame you. However actions supporting these emotions will REINFORCE the fantasy in your WS warped mind that you are a worse bet as a life partner than the OP and that the A was justified. I have done all of the above. Until yesterday. She has started to notice already I can tell. * Using tools such as exposure the affairs bindings can be exposed to the light. Now this one freaks me out a little. I tried following her once and she caught me and went back home. Later when we talked about it, I told her this is a small town and secrets don't last long, that everyone will know soon anyways. She laughed and said that no one knows, and no one will ever find out, that she is not stupid enough to get caught. She was actually quite arrogant about this and was bragging. Then I ask her what if I really wanted to know and hired a PI. She absolutely threw one of the worst tantrums I have ever seen. I can't remember all the threats she threw at me, but the one that stuck was that she would catch the person trying to catch her instead and that she would never come back if I did that. I let it drop and have not mentioned anything like that since. HOWEVER, there is a GPS logger in her car and I have a detailed log of the last place she went. It will be in there from now on each time she goes out until I have enough info to give to the PI that I hire. Her arrogance on this is going to be quickly deflated. She really is quite naive about this kind of thing. It will get exposed. Her initial reaction is going to be like a nuclear warhead going off, I guarantee it. I know exactly where her car was parked last time and how long she was there. Doesn't make any sense yet, but I'm sure it will in time. Once I know, I need advice on how to expose and to whom. WSs fear that with the death of the A, they have no safe place to go, not the OP and certainly not home to face the judgment and wrath of the BS they have hurt do much OMG! Maybe I should have listened to what she has been saying. I have heard her say so many things to confirm this, things like, 'I have no home to come to, only turmoil', 'you make me want to be gone', 'the only time I can feel at peace is when I am gone'. God, I am stupid. Wow, that makes so much sense. I really do feel better already. I appreciate the advice so much, I was like a piece of driftwood on a stormy sea, letting my emotions toss me in every direction with no control at all. I just have one question. Can I do a plan a while the A is still going on? If so, I will plan on trying a strict plan a for 3 months starting today. If it does not work, then plan b goes into effect. Thanks, and I really welcome more advice and direction on this.
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Journeyer i really do see hope in your situation ! The amount you have to learn can seem intimidating at first but there are folks who will help you here ! First make sure you read Dr Harley's excellent basic concepts Click Here for Dr H's surviving infidelity FAQs These are useful while you order "Surviving an affair" also by Dr. H. Its a book that srescued many marriages. Next, I bundled up my experiences along with some fantastic resources posted by smart affair-warriors in the past. I suggest you make a pot of coffee and do some readin' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Click here for Bob's toolkitJourneyer, theres stuff in there that may give you comfort as it did me: for example that wayward spouses all talk rubbish and mean almost none of it once they lose the "fog" of their addiction to the feelings the affair brings. It is highly likely that your W W, just like my Squid, will soon become embarassed at the thing she said. Read up and post back how you're doing. I don;t want to drown you in data at one time ! And don't panic. The cr4p of an affair is only deep enough to drown you if you cringe in it. I don't see any cringing in you. Thats GRAIN gain, br'a. GREAT gain. Study an dapply: be as calm as you can. I'll look in regularly. oh and remember - a closed mouth gathers no foot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Bob was in a terrible state when he arrived on MB forum
He has come a very long way and has learned so much !
Bob has the tools/knowledge/humor/compassion to help you
I urge you to follow his sage advice
Pep
Last edited by Pepperband; 05/29/07 06:07 PM.
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I need advice on how to expose and to whom.
In concentric circles starting with OMs wife if there is one, then out to his parents, boss, pastor, anyone who might have a stke in his morality or marriage.
Then out to the wide world if the other hasn't worked.
Read my toolkit for a while. You'll see the fantastic advice I was given when i asked the same questions you are asking.
All blessings
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Bob,haven't had time to check those links out yet, but I'm going to try doing that tonight. I have to tell you, I had a rough first day of plan a. For instance, in your last post where you talked about he WS talking rubbish. Last night we went to get groceries and she was quite a lot of fun. I'm being sarcastic, she was a ******!, even though I was very good to her and did not retaliate. When we got home, she got even worse, it's almost like she sees how good I'm being to her and she is testing the limits to how much I can take. She actually acts like a brat teenager who has no respect for anyone. I somehow managed to make it through that crap without getting into a major fight with her. We had a minor little spat at the end of the evening, but I kept my composure and she said she was just joking some of the things she said. None of it was funny. Since this has started she has acted like a completely different person and not a very nice one, very immature, irresponsible, and just downright hateful most of the time. I don't know how I will be able to do 3 months of this, but I'm giving it my best shot. I am on the verge of filing for divorce on a daily basis now.
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Mate I guarantee that any permnent decisions you make while in temporary trouble will be a bad one. You have every right to Divorce her now,and nobody would blame you. But you wouldn't be talking to me reading my limey cr[i][/i]ap if you didn't want to build a better M than ever with your baby, right ? You are already displaying uncommon sang-froid Journeyer. You're doing well believe it or not ! It took me a month and a suicide attempt to be as frosty as you are now... Your WW is behaving like a pod person. It feels personal but it really is just a manifestation of the addition of her affair. WWs in particular do seem to resort to a hormonal teenager cartoon in behaviour. Honestly, they all do that. Its what they DO not what they SAY that is important at this stage. I learned to have a little fun at all that waffle. I'd use good reverse-babble techniques at first like "our marriage is rubbsh ! It always has been !" I'd reply " I can see you feel strongly about this issue" when I really wanted to laugh or cry. But it gives the wayward no rationale to believe her rewriting of history and facts. Click here to read some of the beauties my dear Squid came out with ! She is very embarassed by that now. Your WW will be too. Getting through that without a fight BUT without losing your dignity took pretty major gonads mate. I KNEW I smelled sand in you ! Study that plan A stuff. Apply it. Get strong. All blessings.
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Seen the WW at lunch. She is looking worn out and deflated as she often does of late. She likes to pretend that she is 26 and not 46, but this constant running around is wearing her down. First thing she said to me was 'I'm so tired, I need to stay home more'. Well, no arguing from me on that one. I just want to mention here that a friend of mine that I confide in about this situation has suggested to me that the fact my wife is going through the 'change' may be adding to the difficulty of this. My wife is in denial about this even though she has all the classic symptoms. She is in denial about pretty much anything and if you try to convince her of anything, you have lost that argument before you get started, so I just keep shut about it now. Click here to read some of the beauties my dear Squid came out with ! Lol, those are some good ones. My wife has uttered so much nonsense and so many contradictions that thinking about it makes my head spin. Let me just list a few of her favorite quotes here. Comments about herself: 'I just need a little more time'(I hate those words, this is her number 1 favorite thing to say) 'I need to find myself(this was an early on favorite, now dropped in favor of above) 'I'm confused' or 'I'm mixed up'(try stop having an affair and see if that helps any) 'I just need to get away from here for a while and get my head cleared up'(ditto) 'I'm always tired' Comments on the OM: 'It's not about this other person, it's about the way he makes me feel' 'It's not about looks, you are much better looking than him' 'I'm not in love with him, I still love you' 'It's about feelings and emotions, with us it's just about sex' 'If I give him up, you'll go back to they way you were and you'll punish me for this, then I'll have no one' Comments on me: 'this is all fake, you being good to me, as soon as I stop, you'll go back to the way it was' 'You made me do this, it's your fault' 'You don't love me, you just want to possess me' 'You only do things with me now to keep an eye on me, so you know where I am' 'You'll start drinking again any day now(she dropped this a couple weeks ago and admitted that she was wrong on this one) Intermittent contradictions: 'I'm coming back to you more every day' 'It's too late, what's done is done' 'I love you' 'I don't love you the way I should' 'Our sex was fantastic but was the only good thing about our marriage' 'Our lovemaking was never any good, there was no passion' 'I'm the difficult one in our marriage, I need to change' 'You're impossible to get along with, it's all your fault' 'I was madly in love with you' 'I never loved you' See pattern here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
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I just keep shut about it now." a closed mouth gathers no foot " <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Stay frosty, mate. Study & apply.
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Hi Journeyer
I remembered this which might help you
[b]The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A.
[/quote]
Chin up.
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Bob, thanks for that info. Makes sense. I had a much better plan a day yesterday. Not that I got anything from her except her sneaking off again, but I managed to stay calm and 'frosty' as you say. This morning also was good. She smiled her cute little smile at me when we were getting coffee and I gave her a small one back, but I didn't say much to her and generally avoided her. Mornings are a dangerous time, it is when we have had our absolute worst fights, both before and after the A. So I am in super guard mode from now on in the mornings. I won't initiate any conversation and if she does I will be polite but brief. I have to point out here that I am a very analytical person by nature. I'm a software developer/analyst and consultant and I am very good at analyzing and breaking down complex situations and coming up with solutions. Except for in a situation like this where emotions get in the way, then I am a complete idiot. So I have decided to take myself out of the situation, become a detached observer, learn to watch and gather facts, see what works and what backfires. Of course I have this site and the good an tested advice I get here to give me a great advantage. If I stay that course, I think I can achieve the best results possible. Whether or not that ends the A and saves my M is yet to be seen. But at least I know I will have done my best and think it will make me better prepared for any future romantic relationships.
I can now tell with almost absolute certainty when she is going to meet the OM. There are little signs, looking at wall clocks, seemingly preoccupied, going in the other room after answering her cell phone, going in the bathroom and staying for over 15 minutes.
I put the GPS logger in her car again.
She parked in exactly the same spot again. It was almost comical when she came home about 3 hrs. later, as typical. Her brother was there and he had been there for over an hour. He ask where his sister was and I told him, I don't know where she is. He got kind of a funny look on his face, but I didn't elaborate on it, but I won't lie to cover for her. Then she came home and seen he was there. Right away she ask him how long have you been here? He ask where she had been and she said, 'Oh, I been over at mom's'(lie). Then just a few minutes later he said 'Me and your sister had dinner with mom.' She said 'tonight?'. He just looked at her and said 'No, not tonight, memorial day, what do you mean tonight, weren't you just over there?'. She really stuck a foot in her mouth there. I have been hoping that with the fact that she has 5 sisters and a brother living right here in this small town and all the people we know, plus now that I know her little meeting spot is right here, that this will get out without me having to do anything, but so far she has managed to keep it a secret.
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"baby, I love you, but I value my dignity too. I can't tolerate you knowingly hurting and disrespecting me by contacting OM for very much longer. There is no lock on the door of our marriage. You can leave any time. I would not chain to to our marriage.
If you commit I will do all I can rescue our marriage and be a great H to you. You must do what you think is right"
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stay frosty her poison is intended to get you so angry that you act out in a way that she can point to and say "Ah-HA .... SEE what a SOB you really are!" the angrier she gets means the better Plan A you are doing ! take her anger as a compliment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> for your efforts come HERE and purge your hurt/ugly/murderous thoughts/feelings we care
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s'right. Heed pep. She's drugged out of her GOURD right now, but still talks sense.
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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no the steroids are weaning off nicely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />fft
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 54
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stay frosty
her poison is intended to get you so angry that you act out in a way that she can point to and say
"Ah-HA .... SEE what a SOB you really are!" It's working, I am angry, but I have figured out how to not let her see it. When around her I am either 'frosty' or just indifferent, or nice. I have now managed 2 pretty much perfect plan a days, thanks to those of you here who have finally talked some sense into my currently deranged head. Last night was very interesting. She managed to sneak off again. That's kind of being sarcastic since I always know at least 15-20 mins in advance that she is leaving. Long enough to put the GPS logger in her car. So she left, and about 10 minutes later I decided to go into town and get some gas for my lawn tractor. I thought while I was at it I would drive by her parking spot to see if she was there and if any other cars were there or whatever. It's about 3 miles from our place to town and I met her about half way there coming back towards home... Hmmm, not sure what that was about. But I went on into town and got my gas. Went back home, she was gone again. I was doing some work on my computer but I was having a hard time concentrating as I am normally in a bad mood when she is gone like that. Then I made a decision. I am not sitting around here feeling sorry for myself while she it out like this. Decided to go see my mom and dad and my youngest brother. I have to start getting out and finding things to do, all I ever do is work. I never go see any of my family and I don't really have any friends around here that I do anything with. I have to change that. Anyways, I went to see mom and my brother and his wife and I got home about 10 minutes before she did. I mowed the grass for a while and it was getting dark so I went in and started working on the computer again and she came in there and ask me how I was doing before she went to bed(we sleep in separate rooms now). I didn't say much to her just goodnight and she went to bed. Then I went and retrieved the GPS to see where she had been. What I found was kind of interesting. She went straight to her normal parking spot, but something must have went wrong, because after about 5 minutes, she went back home. Then she went back there again and was only there a few minutes, then went to the grocery store and then to her moms, then she was just driving all over town. I wonder if she was looking for me since she knew I was in town? This morning, she was pretty nice to me and it was the morning, when she is usually a vile and venomous creature to stay away from. We share our bathroom in the morning and I left for work early(summer hrs. here at the college, so I get to work 4 9 hr. days, then get off at noon on Friday) so I told her bye and she smiled and leaned over to me for a little kiss. A couple things I can say already from doing a plan a, what works and what don't. Things that don't work: Reacting to her PMS like moods, fighting with her. Talking about the A, trying to reason with her to stop the A. Acting depressed and sitting around depressed. Things that do work: Doing just the opposite of things that don't work. I am also beginning to suspect that getting out of the house and doing things, not just sitting around waiting for her to come home is good both for me and is going to get her attention in a positive way.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
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Things that don't work:
Reacting to her PMS like moods, fighting with her.
Talking about the A, trying to reason with her to stop the A.
Acting depressed and sitting around depressed.
Things that do work:
Doing just the opposite of things that don't work.
I am also beginning to suspect that getting out of the house and doing things, not just sitting around waiting for her to come home is good both for me and is going to get her attention in a positive way.
attaboy ! You'e getting it !
Add some study of MB and application to that and you're WELL on your way mate !!!
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Joined: May 2007
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After a few perfect days of plan a, the proverbial ****** hit the fan. I no longer have to wonder who she is having the A with, my on and off suspicions have been confirmed.
Saturday around noon my wife announced that she was going into town to see her mom. I thought I would wait a little while after she left, then go see if she was in her 'meeting spot' that I had found with the GPS.
Then I got to thinking, if it was who I had been suspecting it was, a certain person she works with, he gets off work at 2pm on Saturday, something I have heard my wife say many times, 'the guys work until 2 on Saturday'.
So I planned my spy mission to arrive right around 2pm. Luck was with me. On my way into town I stopped at a gas station to get something to drink, and guess who happened to be in line paying for gas? The very guy I suspected. He seen me and said 'hi', I said hi and went back to get a bottle of water. Then I got in line right behind him as he was paying. Then for some reason, as I was paying, I watched the guy go out and get in his car, only it wasn't his car. It was some old car, and I thought it odd not only because it was not the car he has been driving recently, but being a car salesman and always having access to a new demo, he would not drive an old car like this. So I paid for my drink, it's now about 2:05pm and I headed down to the suspected meeting spot.
I got about 3 blocks from there when I spotted the co-worker in his car heading right towards me. Someone was in there with him but it was too far away to tell who. Then he all of the sudden slowed to an almost stop, then pullled into someones driveway, then started to back out, but hesitated, then stopped. There was a car behind me but I slowed down enough to confirm that it was indeed the guy I just ran into at the gas station. It was, but now there appeared to be no one in the passenger seat. They must have ducked down. I was now only about a block from where I suspected she was parked, so I headed on down and sure enough, there was her car, but no one in it. So I turned around to hopefully catch back up with sales guy, but when I got back down there, he was gone. I circled around the block back to where she was parked, and she was now gone also.
Went home and she was already there. Found her in the kitchen looking visibly shaken. I said 'where you been hon', she said 'at mom's'. I said 'where else?' She said 'nowhere'. Then she went in the living room and sat down, still looking very shaken. I recounted the entire incident to her. She sat there STUNNED! At first she couldn't say anything, then she started nervously making up lies. She admitted to being in the car with him, but said 'he was just doing a favor for me.' I said 'so, you go park back this alley behind a building where you know it cannot be seen from the street and he gets an old car off the lot that he knows no one will recognize and go picks you up in your hidden spot, so he can do you a favor?' I have to tell you, she was in a state of total shock trying to figure out how I did this. It was beautiful and horrible all at once. Her pompous 'No one will ever know' arrogance was long gone.
She still denies it's him! But she knows that I know.
She has not been anywhere since then, but I suspect they are talking on phone and she would have seen him at work this morning.
I need advice here on how to proceed. I want this exposed. Do I need to get a PI now that I know the identity of OM, or should I just call his wife and should I call the employer. If I call the employer, my wife will likely be fired along with him.
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Joined: Jul 2004
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If you are certain it is this OM, call his wife and expose right now.
Remember that she may hav ebeen gaslighted ( lied to in order to muddyteh truth) for a long time. You need to be confident that this is the OM.
If you are less certain hire a PI.
Tell your wife NOTHING. Just make certain and expose.
I would see what effect exposure to his W has efore exposing to work. IME most companies don't give a stuff about infidelity in the ranks.
I know it hurt, Journeyer, but thi sis a USEFUL happening honestly. My situation started being unf'ked soon after I exposed. Stay frosty and use your information well !
All blessings
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