I am not sure if I am goind to send this or not but I want some input on its content. Any ideas?

Dearest WW,

I come to you humble and remorseful for any hurt that I have caused you. I come before you to let you know that I could not and can not file for divorce. 3 years ago you came to me with the knowledge of what I had done to you, you asked me what did I do and why I still wanted you around. Over the next two years I thought long and hard about why I did what I did and what I wanted.

We have done a lot of things to hurt each other over the years, but those are minor to what good we have done. We have 3 wonderful daughter's that are growing up each day seeing the two of us die a bit more inside. The girls have asked to come stay with me and give you flexiable visistation, they have told me that YOU want to keep them from me. I know you don't want to interact with me or deal with me, but the girls see you controlling their contact with me. They know how I feel and I would never keep you from them or them from you. So they see me as a safe place where they will get all the access to both parents. You have continually planted in them that I have dated have had girlfriends, while you were in multiple relationships over the past year. I have not or will I date, its too complicated and it too hard on the girls to bring someone else into their lives. I have a profile on match.com and so does your lawyer, but I have not attempted to date anyone.

I don't know what will happen in the future, if the cold and anger that you feel for me will ever go away. I think you have a lot of your own demon's that you need to sort out before you worry about anything else.

I will always have feelings for you, even when you were seeing Chris, I wanted to be married to you. When you traveled to NY, when you got back I couldn't help but look at you and be amazed by you. Even when you talked about moving the girls, I didn't want to think about not seeing you.

Its now 15 months since we sepearated, our finanances are split, our homes are split. Your receiving Childsupport and for now Post Seperation Support. I have learned not to be depenedent on you as that was clouding a lot of things. I am now just being the father that the girls deserve and want. I am trying to plan for their future one that has them going to college and getting married and having families of there own. I don't know how all this will effect them, the odds area against them. I look at your neice Christa and see what trouble she has had since her folks split. What her dad, your step brother, did to his family is sad.

The girls are going to face more challenges because of a split family vs a whole. Eventually you wont have the support from me that you have now and wont be able to cover the kids expenses, like school, but I will do what is needed for them.

You have always meant so much too me. I have learned that I haven't always shown it or been there in the ways you have wanted or needed me to be. However, this past year I have learned a great deal and know my true feelings better than i have ever known before.

I want to take full responsibility for any action in the marriage that I cause you hurt or pain, I also want to recognize that you have done your share. Over all these years and all these challenges in life I come back to our family as being the greatest achivment of our lives, I don't want to see them hurt and I don't want to see you hurt.

I would like to know what your feelings and thoughts are on what you think will happen in the future and what you feel you need to happen to be full.

Over the next 20 years we will have detailed interaction, school events, graduations, marriages, grandchildren and I can't stand the thought of us not being civil or friendly together.

If there is ever a chance that we can talk about things, please feel free to reach out to me at anytime.

This comes across as terribly weak and groveling. Frankly, it does not sound like a MAN wrote it, and if WW comes back to you she will want to come back to a MAN.

If you can take out the weak and begging parts, it might be ok. Sorry I could not be more supportive.
Mulan (not a man)

One of the very key reasons why my wife elected to stay with me and reject the OM was and continues to be, my essential manhood. I groveled for a week or so. Then I started getting my head screwed on straight and eventually I stood tall and did what I had to do.

The stark contrast with my manhood and the OMs sniveling was a wake up call for her, as she later told me.

There is way too much weakness in your letter. Quit blaming yourself for what she choose to do. It is NOT your fault. Once you quit blaming yourself, your essential maleness can take over and you can write a letter that is worthy of your situation.

Larry

I wrote a letter like this to my husband. It will push her further away. You do not want to beg. You want to give her her space, and have a little contact with her. Get on with your life and improve yourself, don't worry about her. The more I am improving myself the more my husband is calling and coming around.

She is unhappy right now, and no one person, object or place can make her happy. She alone can make herself happy.
You do the same. Enjoy the kids. Have fun, get a new hobby and make new friends, the rest will fall into place.

I'm still working on getting mine back, so I am not an expert in any way. There are so many good books that you can read though.

Love is a decision, Divorce busting, His Needs / Her Needs, Conflict in marriage. Most of these you can take out at the local library.

Good luck with it.

I agree with Mulan, Viking. To begin with, I can't see a real good purpose for this letter. Seems to me you're a little depressed and wanting some kind of contact with someone/anyone. I sympathize, but this isn’t the way to fix it, friend. Besides, though I’m certain it never occurred to you, sending this is backdooring your attorney and has a potential of making his job that much harder. Were I you, sir, I’d file it away in a drawer somewhere and review it some day in the distant future.

Find something to do today, pardner. Go find a baseball game somewhere to attend, jog a couple miles, swim a few laps, or whatever physical activity you can push yourself into to break the mood. Personally, I’m re-reading Robert A. Heinlein’s Starship Troopers on this fine Memorial Day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, pardner.

yeah it was more of a whimp letter than a rant and I am not sending it to her just wanted to write something out.

Yeah she is in a low spot, only being supported by my financial support, she doesn't have to work because of the amount I having to give her right now, but come october PSS stops and we requested a jury trial for alimony.... no way in hect would a jury give her anything witht the story I have.

So I guess I am still trying to protect her from her own consequences

Pardner, even if you are a sheepdog, you can't deal with this 24/7, man. Get out and do something, okay?

Do NOT protect the WS. Protect and love your children, yourself and your W.

I understand the need to tell her stuff, so shorten the nice part down (a lot), then step up the part of protecting and providing support for your children. Let her know you have found it necessary to protect you and the children from 'someone' who no longer has the family's interest at heart. No names, just reasons. End it by your plan B actions.

Do NOT spill your intent of the plan and do NOT outline your purpose. You are NOT trying to teach her anything, so there is no need for her to respond. While this may start out as a 'love letter', it really ends as a letter of instructions.

Whether she heeds those instructions or not, they are in writing so you have proof when you go to court.

Don't apologize so much. Keep that one brief. Unless you have committed a major crime against your family, apologize for small stuff but don't exaggerate it.

ex:

Dear WS,

This letter is a hard one to write..... Our lives started together as one and grew into a family. Along that journey we made mistakes, of which I acknowledge my share and have made great strides to improve myself for the sake of my family. This family is important to me. Protection and support of all our valued family members is necessary for our survival.

It has come to my attention that the children (share their comments as you previous wrote)......

Therefore, my love for you as my W/friend along with my deep love for our children forces me to take the following action.


(Outline your plan B info.)

Love,
BS and family.

Remember to present this plan as a family.

JMHO,
L.

brief Threadjack to Longhorn:
TANSTAAFL!
Mulan (SFWA member, no kidding!)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's another good 'un from the master.

Threadjack complete

Hi VR,

I'm sorry you're at this stage in your M and that any A ever happened.

I read the letter and some of what you said is good, but it needs work. For your letter to be optimum, it has to be able to be read out loud, say, over the phone or in person. If you wouldn't feel comfortable reading it directly to your WS as written, then re-write it such that you could.

Keep in mind that unless you are able to pick up the phone and call your WS and talk today, then there is a good chance a letter won't be read by her either, at least not immediately. It's possible she might keep the letter and read it months or years later. If so, write it such that after the A dies, she can see your value in a good light. No threats, no demands, with lots of love and wanting to fill her ENs.

God bless,
CS