Hello,
My husband of 18 years admitted to having an EA in November. He told me he was unhappy and leaving. He told me all of the things I did that drove him crazy like being controlling, not listening, making him feel like he was not appreciated or valued and treating him like a child to name a few. He had another affair 7 years ago but had never given reasons the last time, so we never resolved any of the issues. I thought the whole thing was his fault. He avoids confrontation at all costs. I think I surprised him by taking responsibility for my part in driving him to another woman. We continued staying together, partly to not disrupt the holidays which had my whole family home for the first time in years. They could all sense the tension however and I know he was sneaking off to see her.

I researched marriage counselling on the internet and ordered books and videos and found this website. They were all very helpful and I worked on meeting his EN. He said he noticed the changes I was making but he said that he loved her and didn't know if he could stop seeing her. They don't work together but she works in the same town as me and lives about 40 minutes from us. A couple of times he said he was leaving me only to return a short while later. Last week, he told me they had ended it. He is still at home but unsure how much he wants to work on things. He is still secretive and hides his cell phone and gets upset when I ask too many questions or bring her up at all. He thinks I am always snooping for evidence which is how I found out he was in contact with her before. Although he would lie and say he was not seeing her, he would never say they had ended it. After I started emailing her, telling people we both knew and exposing the affair it seemed to help and they ended it shortly after that.

I want to believe him but his secrecy makes me think otherwise. I know we can't start recovery until there is NC. I do believe they ended it (he forwarded me a text from her), but I want him to commit to no contact. He admitted that if she left a message he would call her back. I want to be patient and not LB but I am finding the whole situation very stressful. A month ago I would have given anything to be at the point where he said it was over, but now that I'm here I'm so worried they will start sneaking around again. Sometimes he is so loving and the next he is angry and resentful. He wants us to pretend it never happened. I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

Have you exposed the affair? Who is this OW? Is she married?

He is still in the affair if this is his attitude. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. If contact had ended, he would open up his life to you. He hasn't because contact has not ended.

Well I have exposed it to a few choice friends and to some people in the community who know her. She isn't married but they have known each other for years. She left her husband for cheating on her repeatedly years ago. I'm thinking she prefers to be the mistress than the wife. To top it all off, she is a family therapist! I agree that he is at the very least hoping for contact from her or he woudn't be hiding his phone.

I would expose this further. For example, expose to his parents and her parents and her EMPLOYER. And any other key ppl in your lives. Your children most certainly should be told and brought into the loop.

I would then take a very hard look at Plan B, HCA. You have been dealing with this now for almost 6 months and well overdue for Plan B. Plan B is a seperation that necessitate his moving out. Dr. Harley recommends getting a legal seperation agreement in order to do this.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Yes I have read Surviving an Affair. It really helped but I just am having difficulty executing Plan B. I have tried a couple of times but he always comes home and I let him. His parents know and knew before I did because he had taken her there. That was another slap in the face. Our son knows and is handling it well but our daughter is out on her own and I'm so worried she will hate him. I haven't told my parents, although I think they suspect, because I know they will hate him. I have contemplated telling her boss but just find it to be unprofessional. I have threatened to and have told him if he sneaks around with her I will confront her. Her parents are deceased but I have told some of her friends who were shocked. I guess I am just hoping he will start cooperating with a no contact plan on his own but I know I'm being naive. The more I insist, the more controlling he says I'm being, and he says I am pushing him away. I can't believe that once he says its over, I kick him out. I could be sending him right back to her.

HCA,I don't believe it is over. I think it may just be on HOLD, if even that.


A family counselor who has an affair is HIGHLY unprofessional and this is information her employer should have. It is not unprofessional to bust her. I would send a letter to Human Resources and cc her supervisor and any board members whose names you can locate.


He is already pushed away and is resistent to anything that interferes with his affair. The goal here is to kill his affair so you can get him back.

I think that one of the reasons this affair has gone on so long is because he is getting his needs met in TWO PLACES. So, he has no motivation to end his affair. What man in his right mind would willngly give up TWO WOMEN meeting his needs? See, the OW probably meets 1-2 key needs of his and you meet the rest. If you STOP meeting his needs by going into Plan B, he will quickly discover this and it will be lethal to his affair. All the onus will be on HER to meet his needs which will cause huge conflict in his affair, leading to its death.

I am also very concerned that you have been living with this affair for so long. Do you know that Dr. Harley DOES NOT RECOMMEND this because this is how women end up with NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS and years of post traumatic stress disorder? That is WHY he recommends Plan B around 6 wks for women. You have already been at this for MONTHS.

Tell all of these people, HCA, and ask for their support. Stop protecting him from the consequences of his affair. You do so at your own expense and certainly do not HELP HIM.

Im sorry your going thru all this....but I must say How would you be sending him right back to her if he never left her? Sounds like SHE the OW is the one who ended this and that your H is in a dream like FOG hoping she will want him back. NO HIDING the cell phone....do you have acct. together? I assume if you do you have privledge to the information that most cell co's. have online? You can go look at the current calls on the phone. I also would not threaten him with seeing her. I would simply go SEE HER. Non of his buisness really you see her woman to woman and find out what the TRUTH to all this is. Most OW will gladly share with the BS Because they A) want you out of the picture and will tell you the truth or B) Dont even want your WS and will share that too.

Not many OW will lie....would serve them NO purpose IMHO

Atruheart

Are his parents immoral cretins or have they been lied to about who she is and the status of your marriage? Have you spoken to them YOURSELF to ensure they have the true story?

You are probably right. I have just been fooling myself to think that he would end it on his own without my having to kick him out. I had hoped it woudn't get to that point. I has been very difficult to deal with for this long by myself. I hadn't even told my friends until a couple of weeks ago. So do I just go home and tell him either hand over your phone, commit to this marriage and stop the secrecy or you can move out until you are ready to do that? I thought you weren't supposed to give ultimatums?

He has a pay as you go phone. No record. That's convenient, isn't it? I don't know if I could bring myself to confront her. She won't even answer my emails, I've sent two. I tried calling once and she hung up on me. I know that I need to do something though. I'm driving myself crazy. I could have her ex sister-in-law confront her for me (she offered) but that would be cowardly, wouldn't it? I think I'm afraid she might have me thrown out or something, I don't know.

HCA, I would first expose this affair. Expose it in one fell swoop tomorrow going down a list and doing it all at once. Ask each person for their help in saving your marriage.

Did you see my question about his parents? What have they been told? and by whom?

Wait a couple of days and then tell him you can no longer live like this. You are willing to work on the marriage if he will commmit to certain things. If he is not, then you believe seperation is the answer. Ask him to move out. Once he is moved out, then you would want to get a legal seperation agreement to protect yourself and then go to plan B.

I broke into his email account back in December and that's how I found out she had been to his home community. I confronted him and he told me some of the details. He said at that point he thought he was leaving me. They didn't stay together, she stayed at his brothers. I called his mom and told her I knew about it. She said she didn't like her and that she never calls the house for him but that she didn't know much more than that. His family will cover for him no matter what he does.
So should I contront her before I talk to him?

I don't see any point at all in contacting her. I would, however, contact her employer and expose her there. I imagine they might need to know if one of their own counselers is unfit to counsel others.

I wanted to add support for Mel and Atru's comments. I hav eno extra smarts - its all there.

Exposure and investing in personal dignity works for almost every BS.

First, I am so sorry that you are here. I was reading your story and it sounds so similiar to mine...

My WH admitted to me once that he liked having his wife and Gf at the same time...OUCH, and he refused NC letter...

He would agree on the surface and then do what he wanted anyway, regardless of how I felt...wasn't his first A either...

I heard all the same things...I was controlling, I was acting like his mother, I would never be happy...He was great at turning things around and playing the guilt game...I heard that "he would not kiss my @ss!"

DON'T believe him! A's are not about you the BS, they are about the WS...

Is he typically a selfish person or is this something new for him?

You have some great advice here...I will check in on you, hand in there...breathe, and focus on you the best you can!

HCA, I thought you were speaking of the OW when I initially responded, but now I wonder if you are talking about his mother? Can you clarify?

Gosh I feel terrible about what your going thru.....breaks my heart because I know how your heart must be hurting.

My suggestion is first EXPOSE this but apparently it's been done and nobody seems to have carry the moral attitude that it's wrong....at least that is how it sounds. Must be terribly painful knowing his family is basiclly supporting this bahavior. Has your H been supported about everything in his life in this way by his family? geee it's almost a form of abuse to do that your own children.

To expose this your WH should be willing to tell the TRUTH. If he is not willing I think you should assume your correct in everything you think is happening.

So your at a stand-off it seems......unfortunetly if a WS isn't willing to expose his own A it's kind of a tough battle and more than likely no matter what you do nothing will move forward. I suggest you DO NOT THREATEN your WH again with going to the OW but you just do it...follow thru with your original threat. Boy now won't that shock him?? You will have the upper hand in exposure in this mess.

I have a hunch H is way more invested in the A than the OW.

First step in MB is EXPOSE the A if I remember correctly...

Atruheart

I am so sorry to see you going through all this yet again.

1. I suspect that the affair ended because the OW decided to protect her job. It would NOT be unprofessional for you to expose her. In point of fact, she may be violating the Code of Conduct for her profession.

Go to:

http://www.counseling.org/Resources/CodeOfEthics/TP/Home/CT2.aspx

And send an inquiry to the ethics committee. You will get a response within three days. If your husband has any sort of professional contact with the OW, be sure and mention it. What you basically want to know is if a Family Therapy Counselor having an affair with a married man is a violation of the Ethics of her professional.

Locally, a counselor in family therapy lost his license for catting around. He was real piece of work and had been doing it for years. Someone finally asked and it hit the fan. His daughter took over the practice and then promptly got in trouble over billing issues with the Feds.

Most counseling organizations have a managing partner and there is where you go with your complaint if you elect to proceed. I would recommend it. Failing to report her is like failing to report any other crime you witness. Don't enable her garbage.

A Counselor is de facto presumed to be an authority figure.

2. This is his second affair that you know of. Once is a mistake, twice or more is a pattern. Please do not confuse Plan A with accomodation or enabling. Plan A is both a carrot and a STICK. For serial cheaters, which he is, the stick usually works better. About the only way I know of for a male of any age to grow up and be a man is to be presented with serious consequences. Otherwise they continue to cling to their male entitlement that God and Mom programmed them for.

By emphasizing the wrong end of Plan A, you are enabling his garbage.

I disagree with Mel:


Only a male who is OUT OF HIS COTTIN PICKIN mind would try to maintain relationships with two women. One is hard enough if you try to do it right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

3. Please stop being a doormat. Expose and fight. Get a 4X4 out and use it.

Larry