Mine does.

I'm now close to 3,000 posts so I can understand why. It's really helped me to get perspectives of different people on a very difficult marriage.

We're now trying something different. We're telling each other one negative and one positive for the day and then each of us is deciding what one behavior change we will make each month that will increase the positives or decrease the negatives for our spouse.

Next month, my objective is to limit my computer time to one 30 minute period per day unless I am working from home. I've had to print off my recipes, my calendar, and my telephone lists. And now I feel like I am going to need to withdraw from the addiction of Marriage Builders.

I am going to try only going on Marriage Builders one day per week so that I don't get caught up in threads like whether Marriage Builders should be supportive of marriages that began as affairs. My husband's affair forced me to evaluate and change my own values, values which were an interpretation of the Christian virtue of "selfless love" as tolerate everything and anything.

It's taken me a long time to realize that I not only was willing to tolerate but also was willing for my husband to tolerate. He doesn't like the black hole of time I spend on Marriage Builders.

He just came home and said, "Is Marriage Builders really that much more important than your family?"

Maybe not. I need to decrease negatives and increase positives for my husband as well, so I'll limit my time here.

Thanks to so many people who have posted to me over the years.

Cherished

I had a similar question..... I had to look at the real reason for the question before I ventured an answer. So my response went something like:

Xws: You spend a lot of time on MB.

Orchid: Yes, I agree.

Xws: (looked a bit smug - hint 1).

Orchid: (noticed smug look)....want to know why?

Xws: (smug look disappears - blank look takes over with slightly raised eyebrows - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ). ....uhmmmm yea.

Orchid: From what I have learned and experienced, we both have needs. When you had your A, you stopped meeting my needs. Now that you are back, it is getting better but not at the level I need.... yet. So for now until you can meet my needs, I need MB support. When are you going to be meeting my needs as I need you t/d?

Xws: oohh.... not sure. I am trying. It is hard.

Orchid: Yes I understand it can be hard but it isn't going to stop or die, is it?

Xws: No dear. I will keep trying. I understand now why you post. I didn't realize it was for support.

Orchid: Thank you.

That's the condensed version. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

In my case, I am making the decision each month of what one habit to change to either reduce the negatives or increase the positives for my husband.

Harley promotes the POJA, but I find it difficult to follow with my husband. It's not just that he kept me from calling the husband of the woman who turned out to be his lover or that he kept me from telling my sister he had broken my arm. Throughout our marriage, he has used leverage to get me to agree to what I didn't want so that I was able to do what I thought I should. The most terrible example was when my father was recovering from colon cancer surgery when he had been diagnosed with two faulty heart valves. My brother flew in from London to be at the Mayo Clinic before and on the day of the surgery, I was to go from Minneapolis to Rochester (2 hours' drive away) right after the surgery (if all went well, and my brother could leave), and I was to stay until Sunday when my sister was able to fly in from California. As I was leaving to go to see my parents, relieved that my father had survived, my husband said that he should be able to run (a time-consuming hobby -- he'd trained for and run a marathon) if I was able to spend the weekend with my parents without the kids because he was sacrificing to care for them.

My husband once said to me, "Any agreement we reach would be your way to control me." Now we aren't making agreements. Each of us is choosing what to change, which seems like a way to get away from this being a control issue. Each of us is find ways to improve life for the other person.

It's going to be hard, though. I've really enjoyed being on Marriage Builders and will miss getting on every day. My kids will enjoy having me be more attentive. It's time, at last, for me to accept that my value of "selfless love" did not work and to move forward with a different value of "mutual care."

Limiting my time on the computer is the habit I have chosen for June, so I have just a few more days to spend a lot of time on MB. As of Friday, I'll only go on once a week and then only for a maximum of 30 minutes per day. There's been a lot of solace in reading about and sharing the pain in the wake of an affair, but it's time for me to leave this sad chapter of our lives behind, learn the lesson from it, and more forward with a new approach to marriage.

My husband may or may not continue with an approach of mutual care, of each of us changing habits to please each other, but one thing is for sure -- the days of my being talked into doing what I do not like because otherwise I'm selfish and pathetic or all sorts of other things -- those days are over.

Cherished