I have made a big mess of my marriage. He tried telling me for a while, but I could not see what I was doing wrong. He has been unfaithful to me and has been utilizing the internet to hook-up or attempt to hook-up for sometime now. I believe that this has wrecked my self esteem and made me into a person he just doesn't want to be around anymore. But HE did not do this. I am responsible for MY actions. I know...he cheated. Of course I became an emotional disaster. But MY emotions drove him away and now I want to fix it. He told me a long time ago that he believes he has an addiction and I ignored him. I became defensive. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be there to help him and be supportive.. but now he doesn't want me near him. He has asked for a divorce and moved into the spare bedroom. Actually, I moved him into the spare bedroom.. but now I want him back. The past few weeks have been the worst and I have done some of the stupidest things out of anger and hurt.. so now it is me who needs to apologize. How do I get him to hear me?? I can't say anything straight to him, he just gets mad at the preaching. How do I get him to get help for his addiction without "blaming" him again? I just want another chance to show him that I can make him happy. I know that I can. And together and with God we can go to therapy for ourselves and for us. God has shown a light into my own faults and mistakes this past weekend. I am working at fixing what I can. I just pray that my husband is around long enough for me to show him. I also pray that the Lord speaks to his heart and shows a light into his sexual addiction and that of his (and Gods) volition he chooses to go to therapy. I pray that this pain in my heart and in my gut goes away. The pain I get when I imagine him with another woman. I pray that he can forgive me for the stupid and wrong things I have done to get back at him and to hurt myself because of all the anger and pain I have been feeling. I have received forgiveness from God. How do I get it from my husband?? How do I fix this mess? Please pray that God will show His love and mercy and strength into this marriage. I know all things are possible through Christ. I just want one more chance to show I can be ME and not be controled by emotions. I can be the woman that he loves.

www.sanon.org 12-step group for the co-addicts of sexaholics - similar to AlAnon

What about telling him you are sorry about the choices you have mad lately. That you are working to make better choices. That you would like for him to consider counseling with you to see if your marriage can be restored.

Then, go to counseling, for YOURSELF.

Thank you for the advice.

I am going to counseling myself. I have had many discussions with him about returning to counseling (with me and separately). He is just not on the same page of wanting to save the marriage. It is easier for him to start over with someone who has "fresh" eyes for him...that's what I believe.

I am hoping to change this situation and get him to return to a place where he wants to put forth an effort to change and recover the marriage.

Thanks again,

PrayersNeeded

I am finding the next Sanon meeting in my area right now!!

Thank you so much!!!

PN,

Would you consider moving your post to Infidelity General Questions II forum? It gets the most traffic, and this is infidelity.

You are not alone or crazy. Welcome. Take Cinderella's advice pronto...and consider supplementing it with www.recoverynation.com because they have a program for partners of SA, as well.

If you'll copy your post over to the other forum, I'm sure you'll get a lot of input and support.

And in case you choose to not move your post...a few things.

1 - You ARE the woman your WH loves. Sexual addiction is not about sex, is not about being intimate with others...it's really about secrets.

2 - We do not educate our partners. We work on ourselves and respect our partners' ability (and choice) to do the same.

3 - Read everything you can on this website and get Dr Harley's books...Surviving an Affair, first off. Read all about Plan A and Plan B.

4 - Stop picturing him with other women. That hurts you. You'll trigger to a lot of stuff...you remain the only one to control your thoughts. Practicing this power that God gave you is essential right now...where you dwell, there is your treasure.

Get yourself a plan and you'll find many supporters to see you through this...so you can grow, heal, and live from love, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

How do I know this? I'm married to a recovering SA.

LA

LovingAnyway,

Thank you so much. Your comments have brought me new hope and I did repost in the infidelity section.

I do believe he still loves me. However, he is so angry at me... or at any rate is telling me he no longer wants to be married to me. He doesn't want to work on things anymore. At one time, he promised he would attend therapy, Promise Keepers, SA, and Anger Management. But now, it has become easier to leave and start over. I believe that having this new woman in his life makes it difficult, if not impossible for him to see "me" anymore. I am praying that the Lord would end their relationship and bring him to a point of accepting help for his addiction. I can no longer discuss it with him.

I will most certainly take your advice and attend any meeting, read any book, visit any site that I can. I will do this because I believe he does still love me..he just needs to see it.

Thank you again.

How are you doing, PN, on your self-care?

LA