Post deleted by dyers

Pardner, my first question is why you're allowing her to take your child? Your WW can leave anytime; you can't stop her. But your daughter shouldn't be leaving just because her mother wants to indulge herself with EA's all the time.

How about you take yourself off to an attorney tomorrow morning and file a restraining order or whatever the attorney suggests to keep your child from being ripped out of her home? I think that's the first thing you should do.

Once that crisis is taken care of, MB folks will be able to work a little better with you.

Tell us what you've been doing in Plan A, btw. It might have a bearing on the advice you get.

Hang in there.

Have you done any exposure of this to her family? friends?

dyers, where are you? Tell us about your plan A to date. What changes have you made in yourself? Is your WW a SAHM? Do not let her take the child and leave, nor should you leave your home.

How long has she been talking to this guy? How long have you been married? How long has she been addicted to WoW?

There is a lot of background info that can help here...my first thought is to agree with Longhorn...make it clear SHE can leave whenever she likes, but your daughter isn't going with her.

I'd also seriously consider just killing your internet connection and cancelling the WoW account too.

My wife went through an online EA via Everquest...I know what you're dealing with friend. You CAN save this...have you read up on plan A, plan B, etc.. on this site?

Dyers,

""She said she had to get away from me I was too controlling won't let her talk to her friends.""

""She started bitching about her right to privacy, ""

Scripted right out of the WS manual. So very predictable!!

""t this point, she's leaving in 3 weeks, in 3 weeks I will have destroyed this marriage, ""

I beg your pardon?? YOU have destroyed this marriage??? I think not, my friend.

DO NOT let her take your child and DO cancel the internet.

Do you know if this guy is married or not? Is there a phone # you can call?

Is her mother aware of her EA? She may not be receptive to the idea of harboring her wayward daughter to allow her to continue on with the EA.

They are talking an hour and 1/2 and I do not really believe they were talking about the game. You should have started laughing uncontrolably when she told you that.

A voice activated recorder could let you know exacly what they are talking about.

YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT HERE. Do not second guess your actions.

IMHO

kirk

[color:"red"] ditto ditto ditto [/color]

do this NOW

PLEASE take a look at this

HERE IS THE LINK

Her mother knows of the previous EAs, I think if I talk to her mother I can make her see my side and perhaps not harbor my WW.

Yes what she says and does is straight from SA.
For Plan A, I've done my best to not lovebust, I've occasionally LB saying something hurtful, mostly to get some kind of response from her because being helpful and kind and loving gets me no response at all.

Killing the internet is not so easy logistically... I know, I know, is it worth it to save your marriage? Well yes... but we have VOIP phones, so have to get new phone number...no more long distance...maybe that isn't such a bad idea. Previously she'd be buying calling cards to call a guy in hungary, so no long distance won't stop the calls. And I'm in the IT field so no internet kinda cripples my ability to stay on top of things.

She moved from Oklahoma to Ohio to live with me, we had child, now she decides she isn't happy here, she has no friends here, never leaves the house... I've done exposure to my family and hers, it pissed her off for a week, but now she doesn't even care who I tell.

She claims the current guy is just a friend, I have zero solid evidence, just a ****** of a lot of suspicion.

From the responses here I'm wondering if I have Plan A all wrong, laughing uncontrollably at her 1.5 hour call to this guy about the game, would infuriate her, would that not be a LB... been a while since I read the book, maybe need to go to library again.

If I deny her taking my daughter to Oklahoma she'll be furious at me(another LB?), my WW is a stay-at-home mother, so I guess I'd have to send her to daycare which is not what I wanted for my daughter but it's better than losing my daughter.

Since the original post I think the leaving to OK is a threat, she's made no action to do so, she will give me no specific date, she says her mother will come get her, but I am also sensing her mother does not approve, so I will be contacting her mother soon to find out what she thinks of this.

Since Plan A, I have been doing all the household chores, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, as soon as I arrive home at lunchbreak and after work, I watch my daughter and start dinner. I tell my wife I love her and want to save the marriage. We occasionally have sex still. On Plan A I pretty much do whatever she asks of me within reason (meaning she hasn't asked me to do anything immoral or illegal)
She refused to fill out the emotional needs form, so I don't really know if I'm filling the right needs. But from the past I know romancing is a top need of hers and I've always lacked in that department... I scored big points mothers day, but it doesn't make up for the past 4 years of "do nothing" valentine's days and birthdays. I'm that idiot guy that when she says she doesn't want anything for her birthday, I didn't get her anything... yep I'm a moron. lol

What is more amazing is she know exactly what my needs are and she's almost intentionally neglecting them to the best of her abilities and that makes it really hard to keep the love bank out of negative numbers.

Thanks for the replies, I'll check back in again in a few days.

dyers

I guess it would help to have all the details upfront here is the story so far:

Wife caught me hiding porn on my computer, according to her destroyed everything she believed about me, felt I was living a secret life, and in all honesty that was true. I promised to cleanup, had some relapses, but now we only share the activity and very rarely.

My wife has been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), which has made conceiving very difficult, and even when it happens it is difficult to keep the baby, we got fertility drugs, and eventually it happened, she carried to full term and went in for a c-section. Immediately after having our daughter, my wife was having breathing problems, they found water in her lungs, and put her on heart medication, after daughter was born my wife was in ICU, we feared she might die, the doctors told us very little, did nothing to assure us she would live, which made us fear she wouldn't. I was scared and couldn't deal with it, I took as much time off work as I could, and stayed many nights on that uncomfortable hospital chair in her room. Her status was unchanging, our daughter was already home with MIL, and it was too risky to bring the newborn babe to the ICU at the hospital. I visited every evening after work, talk about emotionally draining, we often cried together, I often got angry at the lack of "doing something" the doctors just "monitored" he state. I visited every evening, we watched tv together, I tried to entertain her, she thought she would die, I brought a gameboy for her to play, but usually she slept or watched tv, while I played instead. (this fact she brings up often in arguments, that I played a gameboy while she worried about dying)
I was scared, of losing my wife, how I would care for our newborn without her mother, I didn't know what to say, or how to act, I knew I had to be at her side, I came every night until visiting hours ended... Eventually she got better enough to come home, but she was never really the same, the doctors said it was peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM), basically some virus or bacteria caused her heart to have trouble after delivering. Her heart function is degraded 50%, she is finally off the medication, but she stopped going to the heart doctors for checkups on her heart function.

My daughter was born exactly 2 year ago today.
About 10-12 months ago, my wife started playing a game called world of warcraft, an online multiplayer roleplaying game. She got me into it, and we both got hooked, initially we mainly played together, but as she was home alone and I was working mostly, she began playing during the day by herself. She met people in the game, and made several friends, when I was on we would all play together, but some of her friends also played in the daytime, and she would continue playing with them... Of course, I caught on too late. She told me she was in love with one of her friends, that he's married and his wife is this horrible person. She helped him get divorced, I was devastated and exposed the affair to her mother, which helped put pressure on it, eventually the OM decided that she wasn't leaving me, and he ended it, partly swayed because we have a young child.

I had not read SAA at this point, I tried to give her what she needed, tried to find out how I could change, but she wasn't clear and I could not change what I was unsure was the problem. She then found another guy in Hungary of all places. She started buy calling cards so she could call him. I would complain about my financing her EA. I then found this site, and got SAA from the library, read everything upto recovery (wife doesn't want to recover) asked her to get me nothing for my birthday but to fill out emotional needs form. (i did my EN form for her) she said she would but was too busy talking to OM, she did not, and ended up that she would not.
I began my plan A, I called her mother about this EA, WW was furious, she insisted on going back home for 2 weeks with daughter so my MIL could see her granddaughter. I agreed for her mother's sake, she hadn't seen daughter since the weeks of hospitalization after the birth.
I exposed the EA to other friends on the game, was surprised at the lack of caring at all, and the attitude that, "he's in hungary who cares, they aren't having sex, it's not an affair"

Eventually I helped my wife see that the guy from hungary was using her just for phone sex and to really burn his own live in gf. He had other woman he chatted to, and she put him on ignore. I tried my best, but my wife would stop talking to him, but made no moves to fix our marriage, and insisted it was over.

I kept the plan A up, she found another guy, as soon as she mentioned this "friend" i already knew something was up, she denied it over and over, they had a falling out, and he ratted her out when it was over. This one didn't even last a month.
Now man #4, also from the damn game (yes I know, after she ends this one, I'm going to purposely get us banned or cancel the account) this one I knew was trouble, but she again denied it, kept hiding chat windows when I walk by, claiming privacy rights (right from SAA).
I found out when I caught her talking on the phone with him about things "other than the game".
Now that it's out in the open, she just does it right in my face, she even had him on speakerphone an entire evening, hearing everything we said to one another, I later told her it was like we were having him over for dinner, I was furious.

When I get home, I'm on baby duty, while she enjoys her EA.
I keep hammering home, I love her, want to save the marriage, she doesn't care at all.

Now she wants to move back home, (we live in OH, she wants to go back to OK) without me, but with daughter, essentially asking for separation.

I've exposed this last affair to her mother, and some friends online (the ones I know will actually care).
Her mother is going to try to get her into therepy, but doesn't want to push her too hard, last time she left OK early because they pushed too hard about the wrongness of the EA. And MIL really wants time with our daughter, so she is reluctant to push the issue too hard. ;(

It's almost as if she has already gone, spends all her time talking to OM, I'm the housekeeper/babysitter.

The OM is only 18, in college, it's a fantasy relationship.

I recently heard from a friend of hers that the reason she left OK early last trip was that her sister found out the purpose of the trip was to meet up with OM from the first EA, but that the plan fell through when he got back with his wife temporarily, and her sister gave her all ****** about the plan, because she had a loving husband and daughter and she was willing to through it all away to make an EA into a PA. (SIL gets huge points in my book for that)

So I'm scared that something is up with this trip, another attempt to turn an EA into a PA? I don't think I could handle a PA on top of all these EAs.

Need guidance badly. What move to make next?

She found out I told her mother tonight, she was so upset, literally foaming at the mouth, I completely expected this as this was the same reaction when I exposed affair last time.

She says I destroyed any hope of saving this marriage with that act, that I was trying to hurt her because I was miserable I couldn't stand to see her happy.

I said little during this tirade, I wasn't sure how to respond to these attacks, I did not cower I stood up for myself and my family and told her I did it to save our marriage, of course she laughed and said the marriage is long dead. And OM has nothing to do with that, that she could end it now and it would change nothing, she asked if that is what I wanted? I said, "yes."
Said she only stayed for daughter's sake.
I tried to keep my voice at a calm tone and level, and asked her to stop screaming with our daughter watching on.
She says my "nice guy" act is getting so old.
She said she's going to tell my family the horrible things I've done, to which I said, I've already told them. She didn't believe me.
I told her it is my past, I'm not proud of it, but it's true I've done it, they don't love me any less. And your mom still loves you, she said I don't know her mom and what she put her through.

I'm hoping she'll cool down, did I handle this ok?
Of course the move to OK, is now 100% on, she would leave now if she had a means to. I think her being with family should help, but that means I leave it in there hands to set her straight, and if not, well I'm pretty well screwed.

She asked me to leave, I told her I've done nothing wrong, and I would not leave. She asked her mother to get her but her mother cannot and still doesn't know when she can come.

From my SAA reading and here, this is a pretty typical response to exposure, she kept asking me why it is anyone's business, I would not answer her question, I told her she would not understand my motivation. She thinks I'm being spiteful and my last ditch effort to keep her here, she's not being logical at all.
Hoping she will calm down.

She purposefully gets on the phone and fights with me so OM can hear, but I keep a calm reasonable voice and repeatedly assert that I love her and I am protecting my family.
I think OM is getting nervous, ironically they talked alot less tonight, even after our fight about EA exposure to her mom.

Exposure was the impetus that ended previous affairs, so I'm hopeful history will repeat itself, but I have to find a way to "accidentally" cancel the wow account, when this affair ends. If I do it now, she'll only spend more time on the phone with him, and then find another reason to hate me, and it will push them to find other ways to spend time together.

Do what was advised, Dyers...file an RO to not allow your WW to take your DD with her.

Period.

Cancel the internet service now. Get a cellphone for yourself. Her addiction is distraction. Remove them.

Reverse look up OM's phone number and expose to his parents.

You're doing a fantastic job staying calm and reasonable. What I don't see you doing is listen and repeat. "I heard you say that you don't believe your mother loves you for all you've done."

Repeat back...so you know what is hers...no refuting, convincing, denying or educating.

Fill out the EN questionnaire for her the best you can. Identify most what you remember lit her up before WoW, 'k?

Print out and keep in a safe place (not at home) all the logs of the WoW time during the day, along with the phone records for her calls during the day and evening. You may need them if you have to pursue custody.

If she's as addicted as you describe, daycare may already be a better alternative to what your DD goes through today.

Prepare for Plan B...are you financially ready? Emotionally? It is an act you take to SAVE your marriage. Not dependent on her choices.

Stop DJing in your mind her stuff--you're adding to your own pain. Understand this is one big A...covering all the OM's. At no time did she wake up, get out of the wayward mindset, recommit to the marriage or guard her marital boundaries.

I don't want to add to your pain...sharing the truth is important. Neither did you guard your marital boundaries.

Understanding this puts you back center in your power, your choices...embracing your limits. Not to bash in anyway.

Choose the hard stuff now. Encourage her to make real life female friends. Those who are friends of your marriage.

In no way help her to get to OK. She can figure that out on her...without DD. Respect her choices as hers...hand them back. Acknowledge and validate. Know your own.

Whatever ENs you have been and are acting to meet...choose your intent as your own acts of love, for your WW and your marriage. Fall in love with your own self, those great choices, and you will feel love through gratitude, joy and delight at your OWN choices.

If you are choosing to give to get...you will feed your Taker and unravel your marriage. You will create and build resentment...like that cold distance from before. You've walked that road. You know it leads to disconnection and heartache.

Walk a new road. Find out your legal rights as father, primary caretaker and if OH safeguards one parent from removing children of the marriage from the marital home, out of state.

Please see if you can expose to each of the OM's BWs...do not accept her word on any marital status. Please work at notifying them, 'k?

All these acts are ones from respect and truth...you can receive feelings of respect, honesty and love from your own actions. You really can. Part of personal recovery. So you can look your DD on this day, ten years from now, and say honestly, you did everything you could to save her family.

You are worth it--your marriage is worth it. You can do this.

LA