Hello,

My wife told me this morning that she is filing for divorce and will not listen to anything I say. I'll give some information about what led up to this event.

First of all, we have a beautiful new baby daughter (almost 8 months). We also have 2 daughters from her first marriage. They are 16 and 18 years old. I have helped to raise them since ages 4 and 5 (they are just over a year apart).

Lately, things have been going very well. We were out (as a family yesterday) for dinner and bowling. I was awoken this morning by her and she wanted to tell me that we need to go buy a car today for our teenage daughters. She said that she found a zero apr deal from a dealership and we wouldn't have to make a payment for 5 years. I told her (and maybe I wasn't understanding what she was saying) that it would still mean payments on principal (the lump sump) which we couldn't afford and it would drastically increase our insurance (by $200 to $300 per month if they are the sole driver). She said fine but we still need to get them a car (immediately) because they want to work and have college in September. We argued about it. I told her that there was no way we can afford it right now and we are financially taxed. I told her that I "still want to be able to buy lunch" adding that I would show her the numbers but she didn't want to see them. I went to the closet, put some cloths on and walked out of the room becuase things were getting heated. She followed me downstairs.

Arguing with her is very hard because she takes everything I say and twists it around into things I never said or meant. She said I told her I was lying when I said I can't afford lunch but spend $7 every day. Then she said that I wasn't willing to talk and go through the numbers and started insulting me. It turned into a shouting match.

She even accused me of cheating on her; something she has done constantly (something I have never done). I love her too much and its not worth the headache of dealing with another woman. I told her I was even willing to take a lie detector test if it would set her at ease. Her ex husband was a cheater and so was her father, so I think she takes it out on me.

The thing is, I cooled down and apologized for my behaviour within 15 minutes (even though I don't think I was entirely in the wrong-just very wrong for shouting and swearing), but she said she was fed up, that we can't talk, and she wants a divorce. I tried to apologize more but she said she was going to a lawyer this week.

I wish to God I could take today back, because everything would be fine. I went to the store, bought her flowers and a card apologizing to her. I wrote her a 2 page letter apologizing to her and telling her how much I love her and telling her I will do anything to make our marriage work (mentioned counseling for myself).

We have arguements like that periodically. She is a very controlling person and wants things her way (I accepted it a long time ago). Her complaint is me losing my temper and shouting. It is true I do that but she does the same. I talked with the 16 year old and she doesn't understand how she can feel that way because she is the one that starts shouting first.

I know we need to work on our communication, but she refuses to see a marriage counselor. I am very willing. I love her and want to raise our new daughter together. I am horrified to think of the idea of being away from my daughter except for "visitation rights". She went and wrote a paper detailing what she wants to do financially. She wants everything and is leaving me almost nothing.

I am so scared of what the future holds. First of all, I love my wife and want to make things work, but she won't even talk to me. She didn't even look at the roses and won't read my letter. Secondly, I don't want to be apart from my daughter (I love her so much). Third, if she goes through with this, she is going to take everything and leave me with nothing.

Sorry for being so long winded. My question after all this is, how can I earn her forgiveness and love back? I thought sincerely apologizing and roses and writing an honest letter would be a start, but things are just getting worse. Please help me someone, I am so sad and sick in my stomache. I feel like there is nothing I can do and my life is falling apart.

I have a feeling she will cool down and you can discuss this matter with more rational frames of mind. If you cannot fit a new car in the budget, wait until she sees what an attorney will cost.

It's probably fair to surmise that you were not in the best frame of mind (having just been woken up) to have this discussion in the first place.

Crunch some numbers. Put it on paper. That's reasonable. Show the money coming in and the money going out. If the bottom line does not leave enough for a new/used car plus the expenses that go with it then start considering sacrifices. Perhaps the $7 a day lunch could be trimmed to once or twice a week. Perhaps you can get by without premium cable channels. Perhaps, if the kids are going to have jobs, they could contribute a percentage of their wages to the car fund. Wife said she found a good APR. I see a lot of room for negotiation but, you have to both put the facts on the table first. Selfish demands by either of you will only make matters worse.

For starters, there are some great links on the right side of this page. You might want to start reading Love Busters and The Policy of Joint Agreement. The behaviors you describe in your post are destructive to any marriage.

Love Busters will help you recognize destructive behavior and help you minimize it.

POJA is the concept of negotiating an agreement that both partners can be enthusiastic about. The problem with this concept is that it takes the enthusiastic participation of both partners. Cooler heads prevail.

Hello Ozzzzz,

I agree that you have to stop love busting with the angry outbursts and insults (your wife too).Even though you may have a right to be angry,it's never is a good way to communicate your feelings and needs this way.It only chips away at the foundation of your relationship/marriage and it doesn't really get your point across any better.Some people think the louder they shout the better they will be heard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well,for one thing,I thought it was odd too that you were woken up from sleep to discuss this car matter.If you cannot afford a car right now,that's really the end of it.You should be able to go over your budget together and rationally sit down and discuss what the future holds.

I for one,went out as young girl,got my own job and then got my own car.It was all me.Not only was I so proud to have done this on my own ( parents co-signed),but I had the job to pay for it too and even though my parents could have purchased a new car for me,todays kids I think are so full of entitlement that in my opinion,it's a great idea to get back to making oneself responsible for these major life issues and responsibilities.Some kids nowadays expect things to be handed to them and heaven forbid they should have to work hard for it.

Certainly the 16 year old should wait a bit but the 18 year old should be able to chip in in some way.I used to work through college myself.Many kids do.It's a necessity.And it's nice to have some extra cash here and there.So the job should come first.

If I may say,your wife seems to do what many people do: they don't get their way so they shut down and sulk.It's annoying in my mind.I like to think that people can calmly sit down and work things out together as adults.Or maybe I should say,reasonable adults.Sometimes you have to negotiate/compromise but it should be a mutual agreement.And you keep working at it til it's solved,not taking out your frustrations and anger on eachother.You are supposed to support one another right? The trouble is too that so much emotion rides up with these things that it's hard to just try and solve the problem like a puzzle, instead of hurting one another.

You did the right thing by apologizing and trying to help the situation.But your wife also has to be in this with you too.You are a family and if she doesn't want to go through another costly painful divorce,she has to settled down and come back to the table,swallow her pride and try to work this out as a couple.I think counseling is a great idea and maybe you can even go yourself,as a show of faith,even if she won't go yet.Also,stop getting involved in shouting matches with your wife and put yourself to the test of being as patient and calm as you could be during the storms.If you don't engage in the fighting,it helps diffuse the situation a bit.Approach your wife again when she is calmer ok?

Good luck and hang in there!

Ozzz,

There are two ways of successfully dealing with someone who is angry and directing that at you in an inappropriate way (and neither involve shouting back!) Either 1-You ignore the tone of the message and reply to just the content (in a calm, neutral tone of your own.) Or 2- Leave the house BEFORE things get too heated and give her a chance to calm down. Then talk after whatever length of time she needs to calm down.

Also, is it possible that there could be a step-issue here? Maybe because she sees how you are with the new baby she doubts your love for your step-daughters? Is it possible she could fear you playing favorites? I could be way off base here but it would explain her over-reaction.