I need some much needed advice on how to handle this situtation. WH came back home for the second time without my approval. He says that he is back to be with his kids and that he is not leaving them again. He says that he doesn't care if he is unhappy the rest of his life with me as long as he is with them and there to help raise them. He says he loves me and cares for me, but he is miserable living with me. I feel the same way. I feel miserable living with him, but still love and care for him. He says that he is just going to let things happen. He still talks to the OW and helps her son with go-cart racing and says that he is not going to quit help him.

So, I am like what do you want to have your girlfriend and me at the same time? He says no, that it is not like that with her and he just needs someone to talk to. I tell him, well then talk to me, I am your wife and he says that he does talk to me. So, why does he need to talk to her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to deal with this any more and I am beginning to lose every bit of my love for him. I just want to divorce and move on, but he is making me feel guilty because I want to be with someone who loves me. He says that he would and is going to sacifice his happiness to be with the kids. I understand being with the kids, but if he was so willing to sacifice his happiness to be with them, why did he have the affair to begin with. Well, that is something I will never know. But now I am expected to sacificemy happiness to be in a loveless marriage with him for the kids.

Does this sound normal to anyone? Know wonder I am or have to be on ADs. This is so crazy. If someone could give me some advice and I realize I am not perfectly following the MB way, but I need some advice anyway on how to handle it that way. I love him and want a happy marriage with him, but I need to be loved too and don't want to live a life with someone who can't or won't give me that.

Thanks,

jam

Squid came home because she had nowhere else to go to begin with. Sh eloves me a LOT now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Doesn't matter why a wayward comes home. When they ARE home you can plan A effectively.

Study up jam, and apply a storming plan A.

Also try to learn to use "loving detachment". It helps to save your sanity and love for your WH while you are weak.

This isn't instinctive, I know, but I will summarise what you have to do now:

1. Detach.
MB is a set of proven techniques that can accelerate the end of an affair, and can manage BS hurt. It is not a way to force your WH to do anything. You have to realise that whether you have a GREAT MB day or a bad one, the decision to stay or go will be made at a near-subconscious level by your WH. So concentrate on your plan A without worrying that you are making things worse. Things can't get worse than having an entitled WH.

2. Once you have detached you can start working with the tools you HAVE.
You need to invest in yourself - recognise the habits you got into that were not productive in your spousehood and change them. Also identify those emotional needs that your WH has that you can meet under the current difficult circumstances and do it.
Note that it is not the direct focus of your WH that will notice the changes for the better in you, it will be his heart's "peripheral vision". Consistency of goodness, unsung is what overcomes the WS active rewriting of history and casting you as a baddie in their movie. Its not about gestures.

3. Move on in all but fidelity.
Invest in yourself. get fit, if you already aren't. Fashion up, if you're not. Dress to impress. Smell great. Go out with friends often and make sure your WH sees how great you look and that she doesn't know exactly where you're going.

Protect your finances , assets and guardianship of yor kids.

This REALLY worked with Squid. Made the reality that she was threatening to lose me come home to roost.

BUT !! Guard against flirting or spending time wth men. You are vulnerable right now. Stay with female friends.

Plan family thing swith teh kids, and ask WH to come. if he doesn't make sure you tell him he missed the BEST time !

4. Lock up your taker UTTERLY.
Nothing is a sickening and anti-MB than a needful BS.
I actually 180'ed Squid. Stopped all non platonic touch, no kisses. ILY became "I care". This coupled with investment in myself and being as attractive as I could be drove Squid WILD.

You aren't likely to get any cuddles or lovin' for a while. Best LOCK UP that hope for now. Really.

5. Unlock the door.
I know this sounds crazy. But its only a PRETEND lock you have on the door to your marriage right now.

Tell your WH "look baby, I love you and I'll work as hard as I possibly can on building a new marriage with you if you want, but I won't force you to.I want you, but I do not need you. If you leave or continue your affair I'll be sad,but I will survive. I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity for very long, as much as I want this marriage. You need to do what you think is right"

In a nutshell, thats it.

I think you have done Plan A too long. If he continues feeling entitled to have contact with the OW, you will end up not loving him. I would see an attorney for my options to get him out.

Hi B !

I know what you're saying but it doesn;t read like its been a tight boundary-enforced plan A. Even a short sharp one is required if plan B is to be effective IMO.

Just to go dark without first having reminded WS of the spouse they would be giving up doesn't seem to be as effective.

What say you ? I know that your example shows that all almost affairs end at some time whatever the BS does, but as a tight plan A worked for me, I can over-emphasise it I guess.

Jam:

He's home. That is good. You can Plan A him.

Whatever reason his WH Fogged out brain gives you, go with it.

It's alot easier to work on your M when he is home than when he is elsewhere.

However, DECIDE if you really want him.

No, not for appearances, not to beat the OW, not for the kids, not for the rent check. Decide if the man he used to be is the type you want to be with forever. He's fogged out now, and showing you parts of his personality that you never knew. Take that as part of the equation.

And then Decide.

It's alot easier to Plan A/B with that decision made.

And this "loveless" M? That you both proclaim to have? The Harley's have a plan for dealing with that as well.

LG

I agree and well planned and intense Plan A/180 and if NC is still not established and the love bank is low then Plan B shortly thereafter.

She has been dealing with his adultery and lack of care for too long now. He continues to cake eat, and is moving back WITHOUT agreeing to no contact with OW and her son. I think it is time to get tough, and check with an attorney to protect her family financially. I would at least see what the state law is regarding adultery.

This has been especially difficult because the adultery has continued through her pregnancy. I'm afraid that JamBear will lose any respect or love she has left for her husband.

OK. Understood.

I do want to work things out with him. But right now, he is just there for the kids and does not want to work on our marriage. He feels he has tried and something always happens to wreck it. So, I guess at this point I am just going to do a well planned and intense Plan A and see what happens. I do love this man or the man he used to be very much and I believe in my heart that he does love me too. He has said so, but there is just so much hurt we have caused every other that we don't see right now how it could work.

And I feel as long as he depends on her to talk to, then how will it ever work. He says that he does not depend on her or me that he is not worried about a woman right now that he is just worried about his kids and will be happy as long as he is with them.

So, I don't know.

JTB:

WH says this:

"He feels he has tried and something always happens to wreck it."

YES, he calls and goes to visit the OW. Duh.

And you state:

"And I feel as long as he depends on her to talk to"

What would you do to get him to depend on you to talk to?

So, let him talk, do not challenge some of the ogspeak, but do employ reverse babble to keep it in line.

But encourage him to talk about everything else....

Kids
His Job
His Hobbies
What you two can do in the future
Fixing the house, car, boat whatever.

But just listen.

OK?

LG

Well, I told him to talk to me and he says he does and he has, so why does he need to talk to her? I just don't understand it. He tells me that I have friends to talk to and I say yes, but they are all women, not men friends.

Am I just being stupid or what?

jambear...

have you done a really good plan A which does not focus on the OP....

have you filled the home with joy..
are you greeting him at the door with a big smile...

was this a physical affair..and have you had testing...

are you engaging him with charming stories..funny things the kids do...

what is the tone in your home ...filled with light..
or doom or gloom..

ark

Hi Jam,

I am new to your story so I'm sorry if I'm going over old ground. What kind of boundaries do you have set up re: your H's contact with OW? What have you said to him?

KM

I feel I have done a good Plan A and not focused on OP. But he brings her son in the mix and blames not being able to help him for his unhappiness. I have filled the home with joy and done things for him that I have not done in a long time, like decorate the house, greet him at the door when he comes home later than me.

Yes, it was and is a PA/EA and no I have not been tested, but I am going to.

Most of our conservation I try to make enjoyable and I do tell funny stories about the kids and about my day and ask about his day and what I can do to help ease his load from the business. I have been understanding and caring more through this whole thing than I have before. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I can not live with him like this. He still talks to her and still goes to the races with her every Saturday (to help her son race). I have asked him not to have any contact with her and he just tells me that he is going to help her son and that he is not going to get rid of his other phone he has to call her on. So, what am I do to? I have set boundaries and it is like it does not matter.

I just don't know what to do any more and I am ready for a solution or resolution.

jambear ~

I don't know your sitch, but here are a few questions/comments:

Have you exposed their affair? If you have not, you have to do that right away. He is still in C with her because it has not been exposed, he hasn't seen the DISGUST in people's eyes when they hear about his relationship with OW.

How long have you been in Plan A? It sounds like you are dam* well just about ready for Plan B. You need to start prepping yourself for that, my friend.

Sounds like you are doing a good Plan A. That's excellent! Keep it up while you start prepping for Plan B. We can help you with that...

jambear, have you exposed this affair?

so what and when are your plans to go to plan B...

plan A is done to be followed by plan B...

Ark

I have exposed this A to everyone and anyone. Because we live in such a small town, everyone already know about it. But it does not seem to do any good. It is like that does not matter to either of them. So, what can you do?

I asked him for a divorce and asked him to leave Wednesday night. He was so upset and told me that he quit helping the OW's son with racing and quit talking to her. I don't know I believe him, but who knows. I know he loves me, but we have just hurt each other so much, how can we make it work. He keeps hurting me and I keep hurting him. I love this man and have always loved him. I just want what is best for my family and right now, I don't know what that is.

Any advice???