I have been dating my fiancé for almost a year now. He has been married before and he has 2 children. One is his biological child (age 6 and the other is his adopted child (age 12) who is his ex wife’s child with another man who died. The children come up to our house on the weekends and I have noticed when they come up I am pushed aside by my fiancé. When I try to explain how I feel he always says “what do you expect me to do I only see them on the weekends”. The children never want to do anything with me, sit by me, play with me ect. It always seems to be those three and me, we are never a whole and I am always left out. Now the youngest has decided to live with us and I am afraid I will be pushed aside everyday. They are is number 1 priority, am I being selfish by not wanting to be pushed aside when ever the children are around?

What does “pushed aside” look like, feel like to you?

I’m asking because guess what? Husbands and even wives can feel pushed aside when they have children. Children take a tremendous amount of time and energy, and for those who haven’t been waist deep in it, it can seem like there’s no room for you. So, now, add in the dynamics of a blended family, and those feelings become amplified.

I suggest you all do some pre-marital family counseling with someone who specializes in blended families. You can position this with your fiancé that you want to be the best possible stepmother, which I sure is true. Along the way, you both can learn to deal with the demands of children who may be jealous of you or resentful of you, you resenting them, him feeling torn by conflicting loyalties, etc. At some time, all of these will happen to a lessor or greater extent. If you are prepared, you’ll all handle it a lot better.

Then, you can really enjoy the thrills that come with the family. Being part of a child’s life, enjoying his or her small and large victories, and more.

You are completely right; I do need to start working on my feeling now before they become worse. I guess I just hate feeling left out of “his” family even though I am apart of it. It just feels like it will always be him and his boys and then there is just me.

It’s like wherever I am, like the couch or kitchen table or car the kids don’t want to be around me. My fiancé and I will be sitting on the couch right next to each other and the kids will come sit between us or on top of him. Then my fiancé moves to a different couch because there is no room and both kids follow him to the second couch, and I’m left by myself. It’s just hard being the person no one wants to sit by or run errands with.
We went camping this weekend and the boys were sitting at the picnic bench eating dinner and my fiancé and I were next to each other in lounge chairs. He got up and sat with the kids. He told me he went to sit with them so they wouldn’t feel left out. I just don’t understand it was just eating dinner, how would they feel left out? We only have them on the weekends so maybe I am just being selfish and not realizing the children need their dad more than I do. what if i already resent the children? i love children i just don't know where these emotions are coming from.

Thank you so much for the advise

Your relationship with their father wouldn’t be the reason he got divorced, would it?
If your relationship started as an affair, it would dramatically complicate everything.

My input is assuming you met their father after the divorce. If this isn’t so, I think you should discount what I say.

Okay, first their father needs to give the kids some room too. I firmly believe that children should know they are not the center of the universe. Be there when they need you, but not always when they want you. But that’s me. However, the children didn’t even seem to want him!

I’d also suggest patience. It sounds as if this is all still new. And by new I mean less than a year. Children adapt, but it does take them time. It may take them more time if their mother resents you, which she probably does. Remember, these are boys. From earlier on, they feel a deep protectiveness and loyalty to their women folk, and Mommy heads that list when they are young.

How much time do you spend your fiancé and his boys during a typical weekend? If you are there the entire time, it may be difficult for everyone. This will still be the case when you get married. Why not plan to do something else for one day a weekend? Or for half a day? Dad and the boys will love having time on their own, and you won’t have the stress. Then, when you are together, you will enjoy your time more. Also, the boys will see with their own two eyes that you don’t want to take daddy away from them.

This can be a very real fear. Chances are they know someone at school whose mother or father basically stopped parenting when someone new came into their life. This is so scary for children. Heck, it’s scary for adults. It took my sister about two years to accept my mother’s husband and she was 26!

The other idea I have is for you to let them set the pace of your relationship. In other words, don’t invite them to sit next to them. Don’t offer to read or play a game. Instead, you could do stuff they may like, for instance digging a hole in your garden, pulling out the worms for “bait” before you plant your plant, and if they join in fine. If not, fine too.

My other advice is that you and your fiancé really sit down and work through this. Not so much how he leaves you out, because that will make him feel he has to choose. (Work out how you will handle the children. What role will you play? How involved will you be? Are you invited and/or expected to attend school plays and concerts? What about discipline? What are the rules? How will he handle it when the boys are disrespectful to you? What happens if one of you wants to do something on a weekend when the boys are over? Do you get a sitter? How much money over and beyond child support will you spend on the boys? What happens if you get pregnant? What if the unthinkable happens and he dies, how will the estate be handled?

I know that sounds like a lot, but there is probably more. These are some of the BIG questions that make blended families so difficult. You need to be 100% sure you and your fiancé are on the same page, or this could rip you apart.

When’s the wedding? It’s not this month, is it? I would not get married until this is much more nailed down. And don’t be afraid to get some pre-marital family counseling.

Hi, welcome to MB. It hurts to be pushed out, I understand.
Couple of questions:
1. How old is he?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you living together, I gather?

I met him when he was divored. We are getting married in a year and a half so that will give plenty of time to work out this situation. thank you so much for your advise. i will start doing my own activities when the kids are up so they can have more time with their dad. i'm just worried their dad will think im trying to exclude myself from his family.

I am 24 and he is 31. we have been living togeather for about about 5 months now.

i agree that children do need an adjustment period.
since you do not have children of your own it is hard for you to understand what a mother feels.

i know when my ex and i split, granted it was due to his affairs and he is living with his latest one now, my children went through a very hard time. they were in counseling for a year after he left. and i, being a very protective mother, had a very hard time having my children around another woman, one that had no children, one that was young 20's like you, and one that was the ow (which you are not). i definitely resented my children being around another woman who was not me.

my words of advice:
please know that until you have children of your own, it is going to be hard to understand children completely. and know that thier mother may well have a hard time with you around them.

don't try to be their mommy, they already have one. (and i am not saying you are, just saying) i would keep a safe distance from his children for awhile. be friendly, be kind, but don't go overboard. it will take time for young kids like that to adjust to seeing daddy with someone other than mommy.

you dated 7 months than moved in together. again, another adjustment for children to make. not only do they see daddy with someone other than mommy, but she sleeps in the same bed as daddy! from a childs point of view that can be confusing. my ex has lived with ow going on 2 years now and my dd who will be 10 this month STILL HAS A HARD TIME WITH IT.

be patient. some of this may have to do with your age as well. not to be down on you in any way, but you are very young and have no experience on a day to day basis with children of this age. at your age of course you want your soon to be husband all to yourself, but he has children and that is not going to happen. it is a whole new dynamic when you are with someone who is older and has kids and an ex under his belt. there are challenges there most women your age don't have to deal with. again, not a criticism, but an observation from my point of view.

i agree with your own activities when the kids are around. then you don't feel left out. if you are concerned about your bf's feelings, talk to him about it. say you are doing it to give the kids space and time with him because really, when he has visitation, it is supposed to be his time with them, not their time with you.

if one of his children do end up coming to live with you i would suggest it be after you are married and that the 3 of you go for some kind of family counseling to ease the transition.

just my 2 cents.
i see the situation with my ex. she does everything to win my children over. buys them whatever they want, promises them stuff, takes them places,etc... it is over board and extreme and does not help the sitch at all. but she has no kids and thinks it is cute to go and blow all this money on mine, etc... it is ridiculous. so don't try to buy them either! altho you did not indicate that you are. i guess my post is a post of the does and don'ts.

mlhb

well today i gave him hos time alone with his kids, they went swimming and i stayed home and cleaned house. when they got back my bf pulled me aside and asked why am i avoiding hima nd the children. i told him i wasn't and that i was just giving them bonding time. he was mad and said he noticed that when the kids come over i hold back from them and do my own thing.i don't understand why he doesn't think they need time alone without me. he thinks i need to be there for everything regarding his kids beacuse if i'm not then i am trying to exclude my self from his family.. what to do, what to do. what ever i do it seems not be be working..

i really try not to buy their love and their mom doesn't help the situation either. the kids come over telling me i'm rude and lazy because thats what their mom tells them. i understand them listing to her, that is their mom, but it doesn't make my life any easier.

it is good to hear another side thank you so much for your imput. i just wish my bf would concider getting us family help, but he says it is out of the question and we don't need someone else to solve our problems. i just wish sometimes i could be more understanding and not so emotional. sometimes i think that i didn't know what i was getting myself into.it is true.. my age and me not having my own family at one time does make it harder to jump into a pre-made family.

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well,
i don't think his ex should be calling you names in front of the kids. she should keep her opinion of you to herself. but, i guarantee she is miffed because he has chosen someone so young to be with. us women who are in are 30's and get divorced or are cheated on, it is hard when we see our ex or our husbands choose women who are in their early 20's. for me, it was a slap in the face. (again, my ex has an affair partner, i know you are not that) but even if my ex had just went and found a gf who was that much younger than he is, it would hurt.

i am 36, my ex will be 33, and ow is something like 25 or so. that is a slap in my face. you feel like you were traded in for a younger model. if his ex is the same age as he is, i am sure, even though they are divorced, that she feels really old right now. not that that excuses her talking smack about you in front of the kids, but inside that is probably what she is feeling.

honestly, i would think long and hard before marrying this man. this children issue is NOT going to go away. and he doesn't sound very willing to work with you on it. does he not realize that the 12 year old is only half YOUR age? you are not even old enough to biologically be that childs mother let along be a step mother at some point. it would be hard enough for a woman his own age who had never married and never had children to fit into this picture, let alone you.

unless some family counseling can take place and unless he is willing to work with you i think you are in for some very big headaches. i know you love him but he comes as a package deal. and he should not be trying to force you into his children's time. it is not good for you or for them. that is HIS time with the kids. not his and gf's. yes, maybe a little bit here and there you could be with them for a movie or something, but that is supposed to be his time with them. when he remarries that is different.

personally, i think him having you two live together after only dating as short time was not really taking into account how the kids might feel about it. when you have kids you have got to think about these things. you never again get to make a decision without thinking how it will effect you children once you have them. my ex made (and still makes) tons of choices and decisions without even thinking about how it will effect them. know why? because he is only thinking about himself and his wants, everything else is secondary. not saying that is your bf, but those kids have got to be considered in all decisions.my bf is just NOW going to be meeting my kids and we have been seriously dating for a year! we plan to make this a more permanent thing (ie marriage) in another year but we are taking another year to plan all that out. we will not live together until that time. this gave my children the chance to adjust to mommy having a bf and adjust to someone new, etc. now my ex, he moved out of here and pretty much right in with bf. that was no good for my kids at all and trust me, they suffered for it.

again, i am not bashing you. i just think you should think long and hard about this. there are plenty of men around your own age who would not have all this baggage (and i hate the term baggage but it seems fitting here somehow). you are young, you should be thinking about starting a life with someone and building that life, not worrying about how you are going to parent someone else's children and deal with ex wives,etc.... it is a lot to handle.

do some serious thinking before saying "i do" to this one.

mlhb

How does your boyfriend respond to his kids saying this to you?

If he doesn't address this NOW..it WILL cause problems later..

If he is not addressing this issue with them now, letting them know he and their mother ARE NOT getting back together, and that YOU WILL BE A PART of their life..they will try and pull the two of you apart..so if he really believes he wants to marry you and wants you to be his life partner, then he needs to let his kids know not to treat you like this..and if it continues he will discipline them...if he doesn't..HE is not showing YOU respect either...and you need to rethink if you want to remain in a relationship where the man who says he loves you does not insist others (including his ex-wife and kids) treat you with respect.


They don't have to like you...but He should insist they treat you with respect...he also needs to let his ex-wife know not to talk bad about you in front of the kids..

"Danger, Danger, Will Robinson"

I'd like to add that I consider it a GIANT red flag that your fiance is unwilling to get help now. If he's unwilling to look to others outside your relationship to get help now, he's unlikely to do it when you are married either. Often people who don't want other's help solving their problems, don't want it becuase they don't want to hear they need to change their behaviors.

DG23, think long before you marry this man. Do you really want all this complication in your life? If this site teaches one thing it's that romantic love does not conquor all. In fact, romantic love is easily extinquished by the bad behavior or neglect of the beloved.

My prayers are with you on this one.

PS: I also sense that your fiance's expectations of the family he wants to create are wholely unrealistic. He focuses intensely on the boys when they're there (fine), but then you must always be around, otherwise you are avoiding them?

Gosh, even married parents of children aren't always in each other's hair like that.

Try asking him for a description of the normal day wiht the kids, including details.

Also, you may want to loop in whoever is going to marry you to insist on good pre-marital counseling, including the boys. Many priests, ministers, pastors, rabbis, insist on hours on counseling before the marriage. They hate to see what they've help God join ripped apart.

DG, it can be really hard dealing with a partner's kids at the best of times. I've had arguments over the years with my DH regarding his little darlings but we've come through it ok.

I came across a website that you might like that has a forum for people dealing with a stepkid situation. Its http://www.childlessstepmums.co.uk/. It made me feel better to realize that we're doing a hard job that doesn't always get a lot of support.

Another thing to keep in mind is to think carefully about whether you want to tie yourself down to someone who already has kids. You are quite young and will probably go on to have your own kids some day.

Hi, me again.
Suggestion: Move out into your own place until the wedding. And see him on your own, without the children. The children have already had a lot of upheaval. Mary Poppins couldn't win them over.
I won't go into long detail about the effects your relationship with their Dad can and is having on the children. Just to say, even if you are Mary Poppins, it is harmful, in so many ways.
Are you two trying to save money by living together? That isn't enough of a good reason to be living together before you get married.
I'm not talking about "sex before marriage" as an evil thing. That isn't the reason I suggest you move out. I believe many good marriages start out with the couple not being virgins before they marry.
I think your boyfriend will be angry and upset if you do follow my suggestion. He may even say he doesn't want to get married if you move out. Yet I believe that is the best thing for you to do, for him, you, and the children.
Also, please find a good pre-marital counselor. Your boyfriend needs to get on board with that. [My guess: he will not want to.] Anyway, I think it could be really helpful.
Good luck, honey.