There are some on this board who are concerned even the suggestion an “Affair Marriage” might succeed is harmful to newly betrayed spouses. They worry it might inhibit your recovery. I hope nothing of the sort is happening to you, but if you are newly betrayed and are uneasy at the thoughts generated by the discussion lately, please allow me to help you through this time. I will stay with you until all hours of the day or night for talk and my best possible advice. I’m not a professional counselor, but I work darned hard for those who need help. I’ve done it in the past; I’ll do it for you.


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If you are a wayward spouse, don’t be cheered by the fact there is a so-called “Affair Marriage” on this board. The fact is, affairs rarely last beyond two years. As a general rule, they simply are not sustainable in the long term. I don’t know the latest statistics. I’ve searched the Internet and my personal library of volumes on the subject of infidelity, and the information is both scanty and contradictory. There’s no consensus on terminology, method of gathering statistics, or even if statistics CAN be gathered. The reasons for many, many divorces are never recorded, and no one asks why a man and woman are getting married.

What becomes clear in reviewing a lot of pages of information is that darned few “Affair Marriages” ever happen in the first place. I’ve seen numbers that say there’s only a 5% chance an affair reaches the two year point, “Affair Marriage” or not, and only 2% of affairs last five years. I’ve never seen the stats for ten, or twenty, or thirty years but they have to be vanishingly small. We’d know if they were significant.

I wouldn’t take heart if I were you, Wayward One, that your affair will be one of those that survive. You aren’t that special. It happens, but people win the lottery too. If you haven’t won the lottery, don’t count on keeping your “Affair Marriage” intact for any meaningful time at all.


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Okay, there it is, folks. “Affair Marriages” do exist, but not very darn many. If you’re not in recovery, and you’re depressed they exist at all, please contact me, or join in this thread. No one gets deserted on MB. We’re here for you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[b][color:"brown"] TURDVILLE = Affair marriages = smells bad = not pretty = broken from the start[/color]

^Bump^

If anyone not in recovery is depressed by the "Affair Marriage" discusssion, please come here for help.

LH

my father's affair marriage has lasted 20 years now. i will not say it has been an easy road and any other woman would have left my father YEARS ago like my mother did. but, funny as it sounds, my stepmother believes that marriage is supposed to be forever and stuck by my dad through some VERY rough times. There marriage now is happy.

my father and stepmother became christians many years ago. i am a devout christian. they asked my forgiveness and, i believe, my mothers. my mother is in a marriage now that is 150% happier than her marriage to my father ever was. we have family gatherings and both my mother and stepmother (ie other woman of 20+years ago) are there and get along just fine. i am sure it took my mother some time to get to this point but she knows, and has told me over and over, that she is happy the marriage ended (because of my fathers many affairs and alcoholism) and that my stepmother, in hindsite, did her a favor.

i have forgiven my father and stepmother. i love my stepmother and my sister than came from their union (before they even married). i love my sister dearly. i know they have asked god's forgiveness and god has granted it. that is good enough for me.

i have lived this, this has been my life for as long as i can remember.

i take each situation on an individual basis.

i do NOT advocate affair marriages. i do believe there are many that do not work out. i do believe there are many that don't make it even to marriage. i do believe there are some that do make it. i even have a tendency to think that my ex and ow will be together for the long haul, although the jury is still out on that one. this october it will be 3 years since thier A started.

i take each situation on an individual basis.

mlhb

Good words, mlhb. I sympathize with you. It's not easy to deal with parents or other relatives who have indulged themselves with such a thing. That they’ve asked and received God’s mercy is a wonderful thing. I’m glad you’ve released the anger and the bitterness, because they would destroy all that you are.

Case by case is exactly the way to go. Those cases, like your father and stepmother’s, where the partners are remorseful and ask for God’s forgiveness are highly unusual, and worthy of consideration, in my opinion. Those who are not penitent are doomed and we can’t forgive them until they repent the wrongs they’ve done.

I know of at least two AMs in my small community, and they've been going strong for years. I doubt they represent anywhere near the vast majority of AMs though.

I think we need to face the fact that sometimes people marry for all the wrong reasons and end up existing in a miserable M, and unfortunately sometimes it takes the presence of someone else to wake them up to that fact and give them enough desire to exit it.

Yes, now if they would just end their current marriages correctly, so much pain and suffering could be avoided. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

... both spouses have a demonstrated lack of boundaries for the sanctity of marriage.

If you marry a person who has committed adultery ~with you~ there is an acceptance of ADULTERY as a viable choice in life.

So, when adultery is again the choice ... on what grounds does one complain?

Adultery was not UNacceptable when entering the marriage...

.... I am being apposite

^Bump^

Anyone not yet in recovery who is depressed by the discussion of "Affair Marriages," please come and let's talk. Email me if you wish.

If I were in a newly BS situation... based on your words and support offered for AM, I am sorry, but turning to you would not be an option that I would exercise since I would view you as being one of the people here that was being insensitive to my feelings.
Just my thoughts.

Awwww, MEDC. You PROMISED you were going to put me on ignore.

^Bump^

If you’re not in recovery, and you’re depressed they exist at all, please contact me, or join in this thread.

dang
another broken promise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

this made me laff, sorry guys

If you’re not in recovery, and you’re depressed they exist at all, please contact me, or join in this thread. I am myself a victim of an "Affair Marriage." I know how one feels in such situations. Come and we can work through this together.

If you are really depressed

please contact a health professional

depression can become very serious

Longhorn,

I am in recovery, I am depressed by the discussion of Affair Marriages, and I don't have any pressing problems at the moment....but I would like to say that if I DID have a problem, and if I was NOT in recovery, and if I wanted to talk about how depressing the whole affair marriage arguments are to me, you would definitely be my choice, the one person I think I would talk to at this point. I have been reading and thinking and reading and thinking and I have definitely noticed and appreciated how you have handled yourself in all of this. Just wanted you to know that...for what it's worth, anyway.

Ya know, actually I DO want to talk about it.... I read somewhere that you said you had a "crisis of faith" of sorts over the whole affair marriage discussion, but that you had talked with a Chaplain at length and worked through it....can you possibly share some of that...what was it that helped you come to "terms" with the whole thing? I am very much interested in hearing about it....if you have time. Thanks in advance!

NOW

LH... took you off... replaced you with a long standing "problem" for me.

I'm was depressed by thinking my WS and OW would get married and "live happily ever after", but then even more depressed when they ended the affair right after we were divorced.

At least if the lovebirds had married, I could rationalize that they were "meant to be", or (on the other)"deserved each other". As it turned out, all the pain and loss of the marriage just seemed so pointless.

NOW, I had to come to terms with the fact that many Christians don't practice their Christianity all the time. The Chaplain said that, while our God is a merciful and forgiving God, there are many who set "conditions" upon passing His forgiveness on to others. In fact, the Chaplain told me "forgiveness" is often the first virtue Christians are willing to give up when they are "offended" by others. We talked for a long time but the bottom line is one cannot change such people. All we can do is present a better image of God’s love than is reflected toward us. It gave me enough peace to continue working here at MB.

Darn it, MEDC. What do I have to do to get back on your ignore list? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />